RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 55)
I am happiest and in my element when I am with my friends reveling and having conversations about gender identity, feminism and human sexuality. My dear friend Lothario will say these are the moments I hold court, so I can squash opposition with the strength of a trailer driver (even though that’s subject to debate). So anyway, I was in one of such gatherings one breezy evening and we were arguing about equality and equity, when a friend of mine said that as far as he is concerned, men cannot be feminists because feminism is a lived-in experience. Therefore a man cannot lay claim to such. I’d heard this narrative before, and countered with the view about the distinction between the female experience and feminism. They aren’t exactly the same thing even though they intersperse at different points. Saying men can’t be feminists is like telling someone they cannot advocate for the rights of children because they are adults, or that they cannot fight to protect our forests because they are not plants. I pointed out that in some cases, the message of feminism is stronger coming from a man, as it does in the cases of the equality of gay people, when the message is coming from a straight ally.
We contended a bit and didn’t find middle ground.
I later had a realization a few weeks later which made me understand a bit of what my friend meant, even though it didn’t make me agree with him totally. A few years ago, I’d come out to a close straight friend of mine, and we were very cool with each other. Now, my friend is a man-whore, and does not let a beautiful girl pass him by without making a pass at her or a lewd remark about her. He’d say things like: “Omo, see this babe brezz…” or “Choi, ukwu nwa sara mbara…” And we’d laugh over his remarks.
However, I began to notice that if a boy passed by and I happened to say something lewd or checked him out, he would scoff and say something mildly sarcastic, sometimes even tossing out some names my way, like ‘whore’, ‘pervert’ or ‘ashawo’. When these happen, I would typically let it slide, reminding myself not to always be overly sensitive.
One day however, he did it again and I read him his rights. I told him that being my friend means accepting all of me and if I can put up with his lewd conduct, he’ll also have to put up with mine. I pointed out that what he is doing is discriminatory in a subtle way and I would not stand for it, assuming my friendship is still of interest to him. He apologized and said it won’t happen again, that it was mostly unconscious.
And that was when I understood a bit of what my other friend was talking about. Here I was with a straight man who was purportedly open-minded and all and who believed gay people are equal to the rest of humanity, and without even knowing it, his bias, no matter how infinitesimal, would slip out. Oftentimes, you’ve got to be wearing the shoes to be able to tell how it pinches.
*
So I have this geek friend who just returned from the UK where he was studying and we all met up one evening to have cold beers. While we were drinking and chatting, he mentioned that he had a software application, some sort of malware that you can install in someone’s phone and it would make it possible for you to monitor everything that the person does on his phone from your own device. Apparently this app comes in handy when you’re looking to catch a cheating partner. He asked if we wanted the software.
I declined. I told them that I trust my boyfriend and I have never believed in policing people around; and even though some people say trust is not given but earned, for me, I trust by default until you prove yourself unworthy of that trust. Therefore an application to monitor my boyfriend’s every move is certainly not how I roll. The other people at the table scoffed, saying I was just being politically correct (apparently I am the Nigerian Hillary Clinton, lol). Most of them requested for the app.
A few weeks later, one of the guys who’d been at the table (he was dating a very cute medical student) came over to my house late one evening. It would seem that the app had exposed his boyfriend as a cheat, lying scumbag, and he was really broken and pained. Before then, I hadn’t realized the dude had meant so much to him; it came as a surprise to me to see him looking so heartbroken. I did what I could to console him, but he was very bitter.
At a point, he said to me, “Dennis, it’s just me and you here. Leave political correctness and tell me if you really think Nigerian gays are capable of being in a relationship.”
I told him yes. I am sure that Nigerian gay men are capable of relationships. However there are a few things to take into context before that answer will make sense to you.
I told him that first of all, to me, the concept of monogamy and fidelity are societal constructs; humans are not wired to be that way (which is why they say that only two men are needed to get all the women in the world pregnant). These things are products of social conditioning over centuries. Now heterosexuals have the privilege of being able to build traditional family set-ups, therefore it could be argued that they have a future they fight for. But consider two Nigerian men in a relationship for example; what future do they have? What can they fight for? So many of them begin to think that, well, sex may be the only thing I can get out of this, so why have it with just one person?
He agreed somewhat and said that even when he was abroad for graduate school, it wasn’t any different, as most gay men just want to move on to the next shag. I told him that to be honest, the difference between Nigeria and a lot of these Western countries is that it is legal to be gay there and you have the protection of the state; that doesn’t mean there is no homophobia there and it definitely doesn’t mean that there is 100% societal acceptance in those countries. Very many gay people are still hiding out in comfy closets over there. There was also a study I read which found out that the rates monogamy amongst gay men is on the increase in countries with marriage equality.
I also pointed out to him that saying that heterosexual people are more committed in Nigeria as per relationships is a huge fallacy. All my straight guy friends have girlfriends that they love, but they also cheat on them on a regular basis, and I am talking about every single one of them. Don’t let me go into my married male colleagues that the minute we leave town on a work trip, all the wedding bands come off and they start acting like wild lions. Even many of the women aren’t any better; they are just sneakier and smarter and hardly get caught.
So the problem here is not gay men. It’s about humans in general and how they are wired.
I told him that for me, being faithful to someone is very easy if I care deeply about them. Also, I am almost thirty, and I have been there, done that, and seen it all. There is no kind of sex I have not had in this life, therefore I will not potentially throw away something precious and great just to give in to lust. However, there are people for whom monogamy is nearly impossible and such people should just consider having open relationships (please I don’t want to start an argument about whether they are valid or not) in which each party knows what’s on the table and doesn’t deceive his partner.
I’d like to know what you guys think. Do sound off in the comments section!
XOXO
DM
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62 Comments
Chimdy
July 27, 06:23I kinda agree with the part that reasons with the legality of same sex relationship. I have so much craved for a working relationship. I’m not the kind of guy that jumps from bed to bed, but most times, I ask myself, there is no future in this, we aren’t getting married, we won’t be staying together so it becomes all sex for me, meet up, have sex, become friends and hope the friendship stays.
My point is, if same sex relationship is legalised here, a lot of Nigerian gays can be very faithful. I for one is that type of guy.
ambivalentone
July 27, 07:24Lol. Pinky, how much is advert rate? This dude paid in full and some.
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 07:31Like !!!
Mandy
July 27, 06:31I can’t bear the burden of suspicion when I’m in a relationship. Like really, this is one area I firmly believe that ignorance is bliss. I don’t want to strive to know. It’d be like I’m wishing for my worst fears to happen.
Besides, if you’re in a monogamous relationship because “you’re jealous and possessive”, then understand that those are the wrong reasons to be monogamous; at that point, your monogamy is a defensive mechanism, not something borne of true and simple love and trust with your partner
Peak
July 27, 08:41I am very much with you on this
DI-NAVY
July 27, 06:46Nigerian men are so capable of relationships and when I mean relationship , I mean exclusive and monogamous one . People shouldn’t get that wrong
The worst thing he did was to install app
What was he thinking ? Smh. There’s a need to be possessive but when you push too hard, u will end up hurting urself .
Pink Panther
July 27, 06:47Hi DI-Navy 😀 I knew I would find you here, preaching the gospel of gay monogamy. lol
DI-NAVY
July 27, 06:51Hi PP I hate the stereotype on Nigerian gay men. If not for anything , I am sure of me.
U meet guys who believe because you are based in Nigeria , you should shag anything that comes your way and when you turn them down, they believe you’re pretentious because you base in Nigeria so anything goes . That mindset gotta change
Pink Panther
July 27, 07:01You’re preaching to the choir, hon. 😀
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 07:33Pink Panther
First of her name
Lady of the slut throne
Commander of hoes of the north
Leader of the sexually liberated
???
Pink Panther
July 27, 07:50HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Francis
July 27, 07:05DENNIS! See as you take open your friends ynash. You for just talk SOME of my straight friends na. ????
Monogamy, open relationship, FWB, polyamory etc whatever rocks your boat, all are valid AS LONG AS both parties are on the same page. Just keep it straightforward so no one gets hurt without warning.
Me I never see am all but I’m content with what I’ve seen so far. Hopefully I get to see the rest with just one person. ??
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 07:35Even the one that is engaged sef! We went to Aba to shop for his traditional wedding the other day, we finished late chilled in hotel, before I knew what was happening, Abia Polytechnic babe done show!
I was like Jeso Kreste! Dude we are shopping for your wedding! Uncle just slammed door in my face.
Abeg leave these people, I know them finish
Peak
July 27, 08:48@Francis, I think we should start understanding that no matter how u slice it, someone always gets hurt. It’s just inevitable. The only major difference is that when the terms of engagement are explicitly stated and agreed on from the get go. it makes the fall and hurt less painful, invariably quickening recovery. Just know that ppl get hurt. Ppl are able to brush things off quicker or avoid collision when they have the map of the road being travelled in hand.
Francis
July 27, 09:17Eerm, is we not saying almost the same thing?
Peak
July 27, 09:20Emphasis on ALMOST. Almost can make a lot of difference mate.
Francis
July 27, 09:30In my opinion shit happens always BUT most times shit goes down ’cause peeps aren’t straightforward or someone sees k-leg and decides to straighten it by fire by force.
I dey pray for husband for you but you insist on maintaining this your pessimistic view. ??? Lord coman epp your pikin
Peak
July 27, 12:51Pessimistic? Coming from you? Ok nau!
FYI: there is nothing wrong with living a loveless life and dying alone. Na person them design am for.
Francis
July 27, 15:19Of course na person dem create am for BUT must you claim it fiercely? Nna have small hope/faith biko. Try leave past for past.
ambivalentone
July 27, 07:17Monogamy and fidelity, a result of social conditioning u say??? But u r not politically correct and trust ur bf. You trust him to what then? Cheat on u abi? Your face is here and there so fast, I wonder why your neck is not snapped off.
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 07:36Its called functional adaptation darling! The same way your mouth runs and runs and you don’t bite off your tongue!
See? Humans evolve!!! ✌✌
Pink Panther
July 27, 07:51Touche. Lol
ambivalentone
July 27, 08:34Sweetheart, by a nasty quirk of biology, only u got saddled with such a hingeless neck and a gaping hole. Its not ‘functional’ for u then. Its all structure. This mouth may run, but your wednesday tell-alls are a reminder that prayers and miracles are what rein you in, not leashes and muzzles, and definitely not a mouth
bruno
July 27, 08:23cognitive dissonance
ambivalentone
July 27, 08:40Ehen!!! Oshey jare. This one too adds to his list
papasmurf262
July 27, 07:34Oh pish posh!! I happen to believe in monogamy. It works. But I also am a disciple of “know yourself”. My advice is be honest about who you are and if your partner-to-be is fine with it…. get on with it. But hiding your true nature can have consequences.
Eugene
July 27, 07:51Me, I want that app. I need to reassure myself. Dennis, is the app available online?
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 08:45Me doesn’t know ooo! Its a malware that’s all I know. I didn’t bother to ask the deets. Ask the real geeks, they may know
Terra
July 27, 12:23Malware: malicious software, aka virus. You’re not going to find it on any app store.
Personally, I don’t think you should use it because a) it’s a massive violation of privacy b) what malware does vs what it says it does can be very different. If the potential victim is one that does banking kn his phone, you could be exposing him to having his account hacked
Kainene
July 27, 07:58Relationships, true love, hmph these are concepts I’ve come to fear with great passion. Believe me sometimes I do not believe there are real monogamous relationships left in this world and I aint settling for less so instead of sleeping with anyone and risk repeating dat endless cycle of rise nd drop (I don tire) Trust me celibacy is the way to go. Calmly waiting for ur man to come your way when the time is right and calmly resolving to feed him his own balls if he messes up.
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 08:46Celibacy or Pamela?
#AskingForAFriend
Kainene
July 27, 09:18Lmfao! *in patience jonathan’s voice * aya continu!
zilayefa
July 27, 08:08KD announcement! uncle Denniseeeee, so we d oshelenge girls of happytopia, aka slim shade noodles aka chocolate stick consumers aka joystick resource controllers have decided to give you a chieftancy title…..ONWA NETILI ORA1 of happytopia. This is for your good deeds especially with the young dude from last episodd We loff you
Bikonu, there are Nigerian men that aspire to something more. There are people who do not know how to separate their emotions from sex so close up their lower dichotomy till they find someone worthy. i dnt believe in open relationships either. Three is more than a crowd. Its an Audience actually. Experience has also told me that Grindr is a no love support area.
GBAM!
I have spoken!
Kainene
July 27, 08:36Zilayefa nnem ukwu. My mother my mother and u decided to show up here today. My morning is blessed!
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 08:47Please when is my coronation? I always want an excuse to party!
I need to set up a planning committee ASAP
zilayefa
July 27, 09:18ahh….we are still on the matter. The confederation of the Ndi nne’s and ndi ada’s lagos chapter will have to meet and decide to fix a date that is suitable for you and your obidie(aka boyfvriend, aka d heart of your love)….this is as a result of uncle pinky nt picking asoebi colours yet but we shall keep you posted….The council shall decide in 2weeks.?
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 09:30Please convey my best regards to the council and that I await the outcome of their meeting!
Pink Panther
July 27, 09:55Hahahahahahaa zilayefa, you’re a mess.
Dimkpa
July 27, 08:19There is an Igbo proverb that loosely translated, goes something like this “If you poke your finger up someone’s ass, you either get fart or faeces.’ If you go searchingredients for dirt on someone you will find it. No one is a saint, and as I once read, a saint is someone whose misdeeds have not yet been discovered.
I think it reveals a creepy/unstable/insecure personality of anyone that stalks another person. I would say there is paranoia mixed with narcissism in such character traits. It is a never ending process because it is not definite how long the search will continue before it is concluded that the subject of the stalking is clean. So hours on end are spent monitoring his activities than the more important business of living. I fail to see how such behaviour would come from a mature confident person.
Then again there is the drama of confrontation (which I suspect is the goal for some stalkers who somehow feed off the drama) or dilemma of what to do with the dirt. This is because in admitting knowledge of private communication, it is invariably revealed that one has been snooping. Furthermore, from experience (being a stalkee not the stalker) I know that information obtained by those means can easily be misconstrued.
If you want to know something, ask.
Pink Panther
July 27, 08:24If you want to know something, ask.
Period!
ambivalentone
July 27, 08:38ROTFLMAO. You do know that Igbo proverb don’t apply here? I’ll bet this site teems with clean bottoms.
Dimkpa
July 27, 08:48It crossed my mind as I was writing that 🙂 Ndi Douching Kwenu!
bruno
July 27, 09:15??
bruno
July 27, 08:51i think if you are in a relationship, you could communicate as if your partner is access to your phone anyway. if that is hard for you to do, then you probably shouldn’t be in that relationship anyway.
also, someone snooping through my phone this way is a breach of trust and a kind of privacy invasion i would find hard to forgive. this is probably because my phone already is mostly accessible to my bf anyway. i struggle to imagine a type if relationship where your partners hide phones from each other.
so humans are wired to cheat and monogamy is a social contruct but you would not cheat if you like someone? are you not human? the cognitive dissonance you express is amusing at times.
Dennis Macaulay
July 27, 09:03Sometimes understand what I am saying before nailing me to a cross. You people always see what you want to see anyway, so there is no use to clarify!
Peak
July 27, 09:41It can be quite confusing when gay people try so hard to establish how different they are from the straight population yet cling desperately to heteronomative rules. Attempting to structure sex, relationships, marriage and what have u to fit and mirror that of heterosexuals is never going to work.
Personally, being an LGBTQ individual defys rules, logic and structure. Limitless and lacks the ability to have an all embracing quota that defines it. Monogamy is one of the many options open to us. The constant idea to tame things and slap selected heteronormative rules on things js why we are forever going back and forth here. Pick what works for u and move on. It’s not a Nigerian factor, its a global factor and cuts across all LGBTQ persons.
You are possessive, jealous and controlling, for that reason, u decide u are fit for a monogamous relationship. We always forget 2 ask who in their right minds is willing to put up with these and our other ugly qualities? Everybody wants a monogamous relationship, yet lack the mental and emotionl discipline and maturity to hold one, talk more of keeping one. I think the major problem is our individual selves. A lot of us haven’t taken time 2 know and get in touch with ourselves, so we jump on what is trending and when things go sideways, we blame Nigerian men and everything within sight but ourselves. Find u and define what works for u and leave others to do the same simple.
Dimkpa
July 27, 09:58I applaud you for this comment!
bruno
July 27, 10:38we are all fucked up in one way or the other… and any type of relationship is hard enough.
i agree that any type of relationship can be valid. however there is no need to singly shit on monogamy or shame people for wanting a commitment. you think all the negative personality traits you listed here are somehow mitigated by open relationships?
*hint* they are not.
Peak
July 27, 11:44@Bruno. For the sake of clarity, at no point did I “shit” on monogamy. Lets outline some of my core views, then I will attempt to buttress as briefly as I can.
1) “Monogamy is one of the many options open to us. ”
2) “Everybody wants a monogamous relationship, yet lack the mental and emotionl discipline and maturity to hold one, talk more of keeping one.”
3) “A lot of us haven’t taken time 2 know and get in touch with ourselves, so we jump on what is trending”
I’m not against monogamy. It just one of many ootions opened to us. One of many ways to have a clear and HONEST relationship with one another rather than the rigid prescribed UNATTAINABLE model preset and prescribed by society as in the case of heterosexual relationships. In summary, LGBTQ people can never fit into any defined structure. This idea is hinged on the strength of our diversity, the omission society did in giving us some form of recognition and draft a module to dictate our ooerations and interaction. The fact that our interaction is main based on HOW WE FEEL rather than how we were DICTATED TO or asked to feel. We transcend beyond mental reasoning or rationale of societies.
Being in a monogamous relationship is no easy feat. Everybody wants it, but not everybody can put in the work, sacrifice, dedication and commitment it requires. Lets be honest, being in a monogamous relationship takes a LOT and very draining. Not everybody operates with this knowledge, maturity or have the discipline to operate one, but wants it regardless. Everyone wants to drive a Lambogini, but don’t know how much work, blood and sweat it takes to have one. How to service and maintain one along with it’s inherent cost. But hey, it lookes dope and we think we DESERVE to have one.
Finally, a large majority of us don’t understand or knkw a thing about ourselves as individuals, talk more of our sexuality and the complexities associated with it. But for some weird reason we have a well defined idea of what would work for us and how well it would fit in the context of picking a relationship. I happen to be someone who occasionally zones out of just drops off the grid without notice. How do u think that would fit in going into a relationship? Talk more if the supposed partner is someone who is in constant need of attention and lacks some degree of patience and understanding?
These are some of the things we turn a blind eye to in our hast to jump on trends. Lets not pretend that the “everyone is getting baed, I must get baed too” trend iis not florishing amongst us. It is for these reasons that i concluded with. “Find u and define what works for u and leave others to do the same simple.”
Pink Panther
July 27, 12:15‘…being in a monogamous relationship takes a LOT and very draining.’
I disagree, Peak. It takes a lot, yes. But it’s not draining. It is not the monogamy of a relationship that makes the relationship draining. It’s the people in it and their level of commitment. Once you start thinking of your relationship as draining, don’t lay blame on the fact that you two chose to be monogamous.
Peak
July 27, 12:48@PP True. I totally agree. Draining applies to someone who has been in a couple of failed relationships and the thought of going into another, doesn’t look so appealing or rewarding.
I agree with you regardless.
Truth
July 27, 12:58Peak, I don’t have much to say, just that you type too damn much, you need to get your thumbs checked out.
Being in a relationship isn’t draining; it requires hard work, but it’s not draining. Maybe you’ve never really been in one(a good one).
stop being a bloody pessimist.
Sensei
July 27, 22:41This comment filled me with awe!
ambivalentone
July 27, 10:32Seriously???? Apparently u lost it somewhere. I don’t think the fight for LGBT rights was ever about revelling in our differences as ODD. Its about revelling in our differences as REGULAR. HUMAN. PART OF LIFE. Capable of loving just as well and making rational decisions and not be lumped together with sickos or animals. I’m not sorry, but ur definition is as wrong as it is as selfish and if every gay man thinks like you, we deserve every negative appellation we are tagged with. Jeez!!!
This is not about conforming to any heteronormative precept. This is about love. Except u think love does not exist, love isn’t a fuckfiesta where it is ‘onto the next’ and every and all are slayable. Love considers. Love is trusting. Love is fidelity. Keep preaching your warped thots on monogamy. You prolly are still sowing wild oats with no thoughts for your future. See the Dennis u r following, he will keep sampling and keep being cynical while hoping and praying in his hearts of hearts that each one will be THE ONE. You, on the other hand, will still be there decieving yourself
Peak
July 27, 12:43Dear sir, correct me if I am wrong, but last I checked, we were discussing the complexities of relationships between gay ppl and not equality. I share the same believes as the ones in the 1st 3 lines of ur comments. The clamour for equal rights is hinged on the score of us ALL being HUMAN and being the same with the same CAPACITY to love and be loved (capacity and not ways). But make no mistake, there is nothing homogeneous about the human race.
We were never preconditioned to love and interact like straight folks. Please accept that there is nothing conventional about the way we love. Our way of loving is widely considered as wild, unstructured and free. No matter how u want to see it, it’s nothing but the truth.
A boy or a girl is said to have 3-5 other people that he is said to be in a supposed monogamous relationship with, and it’s considered normal (sharp/runs guy or babe) because it’s a practice that has been handed down thousands of generations, wrapped and framed with lies and deceit (what i like 2 call glorified open relationship) A gay couple unanimously subscribe to an affair where they can see other ppl and be open to each other about it(honesty any one?), and u call it what again…”sickos or animals.”?. Our love is not defind or bound by the limitations of society. That is why they don’t understand it, that is why they fear it, that is why they reject and fight it. Spin all the self soothing lies u like to tell urself, but it is what it is. We don’t see straight folks, highlighting their sporadic cheating, or how there is such a thing as swinging and swingers, but mention one form of relationship among gay ppl that is not a monogamous one and all the holy individuals would have a mouthful of condemnation.
As for following Dennis, you must know me so well, after all when 2 people have the same leanings towards a subject matter, they are “following” and “deceiving” themselves. I guess that a new term designed to replace KD’s “ass kissing'”,no?
posh6666
July 27, 10:54Lool association of igbo women…Zilayefa n Kainene so dramatic hahaha
zilayefa
July 27, 21:25ah…. leaving in Nigeria is a dramatic situation ni…..so what excuse do we have? please let d lights be turned on. By the way, our forms are still on sale incase u want to join…..if u are nt igbo we will still accept u….. to tie 2wrapper nd blouse is not hard after all?
posh666
July 27, 23:01Hahaha oshey my sista! You are too nice…
Chuck
July 27, 16:15Dennis Macauley,
Please could you point me to your evidence that humans are not wired for monogamy?
IBK
July 27, 17:27“Homo sapiens are basically monogamous but tactically unfaithful. Males benefit from impregnating as many females as possible but are able to support only one set of offspring.”
An excerpt from a book i’m reading. How does it translate to gay relationships? Don’t know. But the idea that we are not wired to be monogamous has been unsatisfactory to me..
lorenz Mac
July 28, 04:00Humans aren’t wired to be monogamous. I agree with you on that one. One hundred percent.
But what is a relationship without commitment? Yes it’s alright to be attracted to other people; that’s just nature
but it’s what you do with that attraction that matters.
Hirsch
August 07, 22:18If your friend is into medical student, I am available…lol