IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 22)
April 20
I like to think that the Many-Worlds Theory is actually true. That sandwiched in the fabric of space-time is an infinite number of universes. That time, though linear, may branch off in different directions. What causes this branching off and all of that, I don’t know – wormholes maybe? Just ‘cause a pin-head-sized hole in that space-time fabric and ‘cause an alternate time line. Maybe there’s a world where I’m not gay, or I’m gay and the whole world is cool with it, or I have overdosed on some recreational drug or something. The possibilities are endless.
I’ve been doing some thinking about this journal and in between the temptation to finally tell Pinky that I’m no longer interested in writing and worrying that there might not be another good enough LGBT platform for Nigerians to air my thoughts, I decided to go back and read some things I’ve done.
Initially it was me rambling on about things, basically trying to find my footing as a writer here, and though many might confuse it for style, it was basically lack of skill and mass confusion (lol). Then it changed, I think I got a better handle on things.
Then I started to use this journal to document my thoughts on how the LGBT community could be better and encourage people and stuff. No regrets there. I firmly believe that someone somewhere would read those pieces of introspection and they’d serve as some inspiration. I’ve inspired people with my mediocrity. Okay. Maybe that’s harsh. But you can’t say I’m stellar. However, people have seen what I do and decided to attempt it and ended up being better than me. Perhaps it’s safe to say that I’m just here to inspire people. Like, “If he can do it, then I can.” No, I’m not gloating. It kinda sucks. I want my own spotlight.
I’m a creative. Creative people tend to be self absorbed and crave praise or validation. We want to be told we are special and that what we are doing is special. Then when we are told these, we vigorously deny it till we believe it. We think “Oh, he’s just being nice” or “It’s because she can’t do it, that’s why it’s a big deal to her”.
This is both a blessing and a curse, to be honest. You strive to be better but you don’t give yourself any pat on the back because, in your eyes, you are still stuck in the same place you began.
Anyway, me being all intellectual and forming wise-beyond-my-years was another phase. But then, it began to feel like it was all talk, and we would talk and talk and everyone will go home and get married to females, and people will still get kitoed and nothing will really change. And even from my end, I felt it was all talk – and if it wasn’t, if what I was saying was something I genuinely believed in, maybe life would land me a few big blows and I’d realise I’m not as strong as I thought I was, and I’d succumb and just become a hypocrite. Even my name change had something to do with that. We said “Come out!” and there I was hiding behind a pseudonym among people like me. So I changed it – and changed my Facebook name too. Just in case. Lol. I’m not very brave. Or maybe I am. I had a dream where something wanted to harm me. So I looked around me for a possible avenue for escape, and there was none. So I turned around to fight. Then I woke up. So I’m more of a “If all else fails, then you go down fighting.” At least, in my dreams (but I digress again, old habits die hard).
So yeah, the phase two of my journal entries was the intellectual. Then phase three was when the comments extremely dwindled. It shames me to say that I felt bad. Lol. I tried to form “I don’t care” but really, I’d write stuff and nobody would say anything?! So I began to wonder if maybe it really was time to retire this thing. No point talking if what you’re saying wouldn’t be heard. Boyfriend thought it was because I was telling people what to do, that I was being (forming) smart. So I decided to focus more on the goings-on in my life. But to be honest, my life isn’t that interesting. It has its moments but it can get monotonous. Right now, I’m on a ‘wake up, classes, sleep, eat, project work, sleep’ repeat schedule. So yeah, the comments plummeted and so I decided to take a break. Besides, it wasn’t like I knew what to write about.
The break was needed. I’ll be here on and off. There might be a spurt of posts, then a sudden decline. But I’m too self absorbed to quit writing this thing.
Oh, and phase four? I dunno. We’ll see how that turns out.
***
Meanwhile my family is on a mini-vacation in Jos. My cousin is having his introduction tomorrow. The number of times I have met this cousin and his sister, I can count on one hand. He’s basically a British citizen with Nigerian parents. We aren’t close. We just know each other exist, but for the introduction/engagement thingie, he’d need family members. And we (my brothers and I) are the only male immediate cousins he has. So we were called upon.
I thought I’d go. I thought my dad had booked a ticket for me so I’d fly out on Thursday and join them. But he didn’t. He assumed I’d be busy with school, which is true. But at the rate I’m going, missing two days wouldn’t hurt my academics much. He didn’t bother to ask either. Now I just feel very, very, very left out. Lol. It’s dramatic, I know. But picture this. You’re the gay son who loves his family very much but there’s hardly anything to relate to. Your father’s science-y questions and remarks have become borderline annoying and self-indulgent. You can’t really say what’s on your mind to your mother because you don’t know what will trigger conversations that will leave you depressed for a couple of days. Your brothers live in pussy-ville, enjoying the patriarchy to the fullest over a barrel of beer while watching football and hanging with their friends. And you’re just there – the nerdy one who plays Hearthstone constantly and is on his phone talking to people who are miles away. Hopefully it explains why I feel bad about it all.
It also makes me think of distancing myself from the family so that I don’t get unnecessary pressure from them. But here I am, feeling left out. So two options: Scrap the plan of distancing myself or man up and use this to discipline myself. Neither one sounds palatable.
Anyhow sha, I’ll just go to bed and hope sleep fights away those thoughts that if I disappeared without a trace, the real world wouldn’t even care.
Written by IBK
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27 Comments
JamJam
April 23, 07:01Think about all the updated versions of Hearthstone, laden with lit features, that you would never get to play if you disappeared without a trace!
Bryce
April 23, 08:35All these suicide notes you’re dropping here and there,be took your careful o
Khaleesi
April 23, 08:47Keep writing hun! You’re awesome!! We might not always respond because you know sometimes coping with all the shit that comes with being gay and living in Nigeria can just like to drain the life outta u, but you can be sure that WE are reading!! Please don’t stop!!
Mandy
April 23, 08:55Your last entry that had people buzzing about your suicidal tone had me feeling skeptical. Nothing in the entry seemed suicidal to me.
But this entry is worrisome. Please dude, be okay. You’re one incredibly matured under-25 gay guy I’ve ever known and this impression started right from the moment I started reading your journal. Don’t come all that distance to give up now.
As for your family, this is an opportunity for you to learn the balance between separation and involvement.
Zemocrush
April 23, 09:37I’m reading IBK, don’t stop.
beejay
April 23, 10:00IBK? Listen. You’re special and what you’re doing is special. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a little validation, Lawd knows you’ve earned it. Now get your lazy Keister outta bed and write something amazing.
Agbi
April 23, 10:26Keep writing
Delle
April 23, 10:35Oh I read your journal. I love the effortlessness it exudes. Don’t stop writing but stop with the suicidal undertones.
OAN, you should probably acknowledge Michael. Lol.
You can’t keep someone hanging like that. It’s wrong.
logan
April 23, 23:01Hi Delle, I really enjoy your articles & find you to be a really interesting person. I’d like to be your friend someday.
Delle
April 24, 08:07I’d be looking forward to that day, Logan. ?
Logan
April 24, 08:56Wow, thanks. Anyway, I’m new here & I’ll be looking forward to all of your posts, so keep em coming dear. Thanks once again
Francis
April 23, 10:41I wonder why peeps are getting suicidal vibes from this. I still feel like this some days and it passes after a while. It comes wth the territory I’ve created for myself.
Lopez
April 23, 11:01Whatever (crap) u write we read it, i assure u that. hell! i even go back to read nd reread ur previous entries. y? somehow i found them entertaining nd they remind me i’m not the only one struggling. i’ve mention it here that i wish i’m as smart as u r when i was ur age… but with all my clumsiness somehow i survive. Don’t go anywhere pls, there is a soul here that’s gonna miss u.
IBK
April 23, 15:30Thanks for the love guys.. And I’m sorry if I alarmed anyone but like Francis said it comes and goes, the thinking of less than ideal thoughts. That was just the headspace I found myself in as I wrote. Right now I’m as right as rain after getting a lil TLC from pookie over the weekend.
I’ll tone it down but there’s no cause for alarm.
Iliana
April 23, 17:55I’m happy to know that u ain’t considering suicide IBK, by the way I love ur journal and alot of people do too. Please don’t stop writing, I LOVE YOU
Iliana
April 23, 17:57I wish I could write ?
Jide
April 24, 00:35Another week, another one. It’s becoming frequent once again and we couldn’t be more glad.
MagDiva
April 24, 09:01A fan here ?? Don’t you dare stop now. ((((Hugs))))
Henry
April 24, 10:58IBK, pls don’t stop writing. This is an avenue to let it all out. Since u cannot yet talk to family, u can talk freely here. Trapping everything inside doesn’t help. Talking is good for d body n soul. Much love!!
Khodja
April 24, 12:53We mightn’t always comment. Seeing that this is the first time I’m commenting upon the thousands of journals, short stories and poems I’ve read on this website. But rest assured, we are reading with no chance of stopping soon lest……
Chuck
April 24, 17:19he said he’s self absorbed and wants validation, right?
Bryce
April 24, 20:52Nwokem,zuzupuo ebea
Chuck
April 25, 13:43whats that vernacular?
Francis
April 25, 14:12Direct translation: Guy carry your silly self the fuck outta here
Chuck
April 25, 14:39Lol welcome back
Francis
April 25, 14:41Where I bin go???
FJ
April 25, 15:04Dude, we all love you. I personally wish i could write the way you do…but hey we’re different…kip on with the good work, bro….hugs and kisses