IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 23)

May 13

My ex came to town and asked if he could stay with me and I found myself agreeing. I wondered if I should tell Pookie. This ex was John – the one that I thought had got away. Wouldn’t it be better to keep it under wraps so Bae wouldn’t worry, and then maybe in the future, I’d bring it up in a flippant manner? I thought to myself. Wouldn’t telling him mean something when there was nothing?

These thoughts kept going through my head. So I told my best friend and he made me realise I was actually being a bit selfish, because it really boiled down to me and Bae being in a very good place and my fear that this might ruin it. Was it necessary I told him? No. But he deserved that “respect” for want of a better word.

So I told him and he said “cool”. And really, that was it. He didn’t even ask about the stay till my ex left. I’m a little disappointed because it seemed I made a mountain out of a molehill. But ah well.

So my ex spent a couple of nights with me. On the same bed. Lol. To be honest, the thought did cross my mind about having sex with him, but it was more the whore in me speaking than the “I’m not over you”. And it’s a relief because it’s safe to say I’m quite over him. And being over him and the nights he spent here made me realise just how annoying he is. ??

Like, I wonder how we stayed together in the hostel all those years ago and I didn’t move out from all his goddamn complaining. He had a comment for everything from the state of my room to my hair to my artworks – and it was just whew.

I’m a messy/lazy person. When I was younger, my mum tried to beat it out of me, but once I got my own place, I returned to default. I and housework are opposite sides of a coin. So since his request was impromptu, he came in to meet my room a mess with clothes everywhere and tubes of paint on the bed and a kitchen that contained dishes I hadn’t done in more times than I can care to mention. And he complained and complained and complained.

Normally I’d try to spruce things up and all, that but for some reason, I just wanted to be stubborn. So I left my room a mess, and then hired someone to clean it up after he left. After the cleanup, I didn’t recognise my room. It had never been so neat. Like WAWU! I’ll try to maintain it but it’ll probably just fall back to its natural state of chaos. This usually happens when I start desperately looking for something. Well, let’s wait and see.

***

There are two paintings hanging on my wall. The first was done for an uncle from oyibo land, who is building a house in Nigeria. He asked me to do it because he saw a smaller one he liked that I did and wanted it bigger. I repainted, and then framed it. And this ate a chunk of my savings because the painting was big. I’m hoping I’ll get some profit from it. But the thing is that I am going to have to present it as a gift even though I was “commissioned” to do it. This is because (1) he’s a really nice person and has helped me in quite a few things and is quite generous when he comes around; (2) I’m Yoruba and mí fẹ́ ko dá bí mì ó lẹ kó (basically, I don’t want to look like I have no home training); and (3) one time I said family members should pay for services and goods rendered by other family members, my parents were mortified, and so, I assume their siblings will feel the same way.

On the other hand, I could say “Fuck that shit!” And if he asks for a price, I’ll give it to him straight. It’d also make him value the painting more than if I gave it up free of charge.

The second painting is a 45×60 painting. I was asked to do a replica from twitter and the commissioner asked if I could do an exact thing. My instinct was to say no, but (was it?) greed or overconfidence or both made me say yes. He deposited half the required amount, enough to buy the canvas. And boy, was it huge. I started to paint and safe to say, I kinda botched it. It was looking like the original but I didn’t scale it properly. I had to return some of the deposited money and then some, because he was very angry and I was feeling guilty. I sha made a loss by way of money and paint and confidence. But at least, I had the canvas.

I thought I wouldn’t paint for months, considering the way I felt thereafter. And the canvas kept staring me in the face. But with the help of friends and Pookie, I picked up my brush and turned over the canvas and started to paint something of my own design. It took me about a week. (Longest time for me to spend on a painting, which was a relief because normally, on smaller mediums, I’d be done in 2-3 hours, so I’d wonder if it really was up to par considering how fast I finished. But I digress).

See, I’m not good at doing things involving humans or painting exactly what I see. And it’s really annoying and upsetting because everyone seems to be into those things – portraits and hyper realism – and it means you’ve got skill and stuff. But I guess those types of paintings aren’t ME. I always say it. Reality is a lovely place but I wouldn’t want to live there. So my works are often abstract or landscape-y, full of mountains and grass and trees and often colorful.

And this kinda embodies that. I was going to call it Two-Faced, but then people couldn’t see the two faces (there’s a side silhouette on that one face you can see). And because of this and from the way the figure is behind the foliage, I have decided to call it Hiding.

And it’s for sale. I’m not sure how artists get buyers but I’m pretty certain it involves a lot of talking about your work and showing off – two things I’m not always comfortable with because I still occasionally feel like a fraud. I have decided to try and fix that feeling by getting a degree in Visual Art. It could be a minimal one. But I think training will help fill the holes in my knowledge. I don’t know if my parents will fund that, so I guess I’ll be stuck working as a veterinary doctor to save up to go to a legit place to study. (*shudders*)

But if you’re interested in my work – and I mean seriously interested, because I’ve met people who just wanted to fuck in the guise of “I love your painting” (surprise, surprise!) – feel free to email me @ justjames892@gmail.com.

Finally, I’ve got a couple of covers I did and I’d like to share and they are dedicated to Ryder. It’s about 2.4MB. If you listen, I hope you enjoy. Check on it HERE.

Written by IBK