Your Coming Out Should Be Their Loss, Not Yours

To commemorate the National Coming Out Day, which is today October 11, here is something from a KDian.

I never really had that coming out moment with the expected “Nigerian reaction”. I came out to my mother sometime back and she has still been my mum, going about her motherly duties and having zero problems with who I want to be with. I’d come out to her out of naivety and sheer silliness, thinking I had a problem and hoping she would have a solution and not even realizing how bad things could have gotten if her reaction wasn’t positive. I am one of the lucky ones in the minority.

My dad and I are basically estranged, and me being gay happens to not even be part of the million reasons why we hate each other so much.

All my close friends know I’m gay, and looking back, I never really came out to them. They just caught on and treated me no differently, effectively changing their use of pronouns in regards to my sexuality and being open-minded about the topic too. All heartwarming experiences that not a lot of people get to have.

A few months back, I actually took a step by letting all my friends, potential clients and followers on social media know that I’m gay as fuck – and they had no choice but to deal! A lot of them already knew and the few that didn’t swarmed me with overwhelming support. Yes, I’m talking about Nigerians. I really couldn’t place why I wasn’t getting any hate but the love directed my way was heartwarming. I didn’t have to make a grand coming out post or whatever; it was just a small update in passing, whose tone was one of carefreeness that didn’t even hold as much significance to me as it did to other members of the community. But there – I did it. It was done. And my life remained exactly the same.

I have never actually come face to face with homophobia except that one fight I had with my cousin where I tried to beat the homophobic demon out of his head. I don’t think I succeeded though; he probably sees gay men as dangerous thugs now. However, apart from that incident, I have never been a victim of any form of homophobia and everyone knows I’m gay. I mean, everyone! So, I’ve never really had anything to fear as I’ve always been unapologetically gay.

But this doesn’t make me oblivious to the fact that there are a lot of gay people – gay Nigerians – who aren’t this lucky. People who are surrounded by the toxicity that exists simply because of the knowledge of homosexuality.

I know my experiences puts me in the minority.

With all that said, I still feel the journey to coming out is a personal one and finding yourself as an individual should always come first. Telling friends and family that you are gay or bisexual shouldn’t be on your to-do list. It’s mostly something they should catch on to, in my opinion. Talk about RMD’s style. Gush about Idris Elba’s physique. Grimace when they mention that girl they think you like. Make them watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race and love it. Send them links to romance stories posted here on Kito Diaries. Dribble them around the “Are you gay?” question they wouldn’t stop throwing at you. There are many ways to avail your people of the truth about your sexuality without the directness of an announcement. Pressuring yourself into doing something that has unknown consequences can be quite tacky and you shouldn’t do it unless you want to for a good reason (or no reason at all, that’s fine). As a gay person, you can be visible without a coming out party.

And the best part is: they would learn to look above whose dick you suck and see the beautiful person you are inside and out. They would respect you for your achievements and not over how many members of the opposite sex they assume you have been with. Everything they like about you would still very much remain and they would have a choice to make: Turn their back on you because of that one thing about you that they’d probably not like or stay because of the million other things they can’t get enough of.

You shouldn’t be the one to choose. Coming shouldn’t have to be this big defining moment. It can be a transition that goes on in a process. You just be your authentic You. Be flawless. Live your best life. And when in spite of this, they still won’t accept the person you are, you would have lived so authentically you that you will recognise how their rejection is their loss, not yours.

Written by Bain