THE BURDEN OF MY PAIN
Heartbreak.
It’s not at all a good feeling. It is one of those dark places you fall into and eventually emerge, either made or marred.
Many people will say to you, “Move on.” But it is easier said than done. With every breath I draw, which emphasizes the sharp pain I feel, I want to heal. To hearken to what they say and move on. But I cannot find a way to heal. I cannot stop thinking about him, no matter how hard I’ve tried. I still love this person. I shed tears every day, wishing he’d change his mind about us.
I was at the dentist’s a few days ago for a root canal therapy, and with my mouth open while receiving treatment, I couldn’t hold back the tears that rushed to my eyes as unbidden, thoughts of him flooded my mind. I have never known pain like this in my life. Never been heartbroken before. And this burden on my heart feels overwhelming.
We connected via Grindr. Let’s call him Castor. After chatting a few online, we decided to meet. It was at a bar, where we chatted for hours, seeming to share the same interests. He told me he’d been in a relationship with a guy who traveled abroad and stopped giving much attention to what they had. The strain of the long distance made him quit the relationship. I’d never been in a relationship myself, not because I didn’t think it was something good, but because I’d never met a guy who I remotely felt anything strong enough for to want to date him.
After we had met three more times and had sex on one of those occasions, I began to feel like Castor and I could be really good friends. He was serving in Benin and I reside in Port Harcourt. We stayed in touch, chatting frequently with each other. And one day, he asked for us to start dating. I turned down his offer because of the distance. I didn’t want the complications that come with long-distance relationships. However, he wouldn’t let up and we talked about it some more. Because my major fear was infidelity, we decided to have an open relationship.
Castor was this person that made me inexplicably happy every time we talked or chatted. He knew how to make me tick mentally, and his jokes always took the stress off me. He talked to me about whatever decision he was faced with, often seeking my advice. When he visited me in Port Harcourt and stayed for a few days, I never once felt robbed of my personal space. I was very comfortable being around him. I felt safe. He made me feel safe. He was a good listener, and he could talk up a storm. As a very genial person, there was never a dull moment with him.
He told me he loved me first months before I ever got around to saying those words to him. I didn’t say them back because I was being cautious. And my caution would not let me explore all the ways I cared about him. But the more he grew on me, the more the feelings I had for him flourished.
I was falling in love with him.
I’d always had a fear of saying “I love you” to someone, because of all the ways those words render you vulnerable. But the day I told Castor that I loved him, the only emotions that were crowding my heart were those of joy and peace of mind – like I’d finally found what I’d been looking for.
I was very happy to love him.
But I suppose that the moment you finally let go to enjoy your happiness is exactly when Fate steps forward to snatch that joy away – as if to teach you a lesson for ever daring to be happy.
The day came when he told me that his ex was around and was pleading with him for a reconciliation. When I asked him what that meant, he emphatically told me that he was done with the guy and had moved on. That he had no intention of going back to him.
Days later, he began to not be his usual ebullient self. He was sleeping a lot, and I noticed he’d started taking some sedative drugs. I wasn’t sure how to deal with this oddity. He however later opened up to me, saying he was taking the drugs to help him not think about his ex. I didn’t know what to say to this. It began to feel like the solid ground I’d been standing on was shifting under my feet and I didn’t know what to hold on to.
Then days after this, he told me he had reconciled with his ex. That he still loves the guy, but that he loves me too. And as I stared at him in incredulity, he was going on and on about how it was possible for one to love two people at the same time.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt pained. I loved him very much and I didn’t want to lose him. But this was new territory for me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to handle this. The ground beneath my feet was shifting more rapidly, causing me to flail about, panicked that I would fall into the quaking blackness beneath.
And then, it began happening. He stopped picking my calls. Whenever he replied my chats, it felt like I was talking to a stranger. He wouldn’t chat me up like we were lovers; his responses were flat and lacked zeal. I asked me repeatedly what the problem was, and he said he had screwed up and would tell me about it when he was able.
Wow.
When he did tell me, I was stunned.
Apparently, when he was dating this ex of his, before the man traveled abroad, they’d sworn an oath to never have any other love affairs. Castor told me he didn’t know what he was doing when they swore the oath, that he believed the man used some sort of juju on him. And that he only came to his senses after they’d taken the oath. But then, it didn’t seem like a problem because he believed they were going to make it as a couple.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was desperate. I wanted my man. I told him that the oath should not be a problem, that we could always find a way to break it.
But Castor seemed troubled by his superstition. This man that I love, the one that makes my world go round, the one that gives me strength and joy – he said, he told me that he would need time to sort himself out. That we should remain friends and no longer lovers.
My God! He needed time for What! Did he want to be enslaved to a man who was married with kids? Did it mean he never loved me all this time he professed his love to me? I shot these words accusingly at him, and he denied them. Said he still loved me. But he had to figure things out. And in the meantime, we should just stay friends. I begged him. I pleaded with him. I tried to reason with him, to silence whatever fears he had.
For it is difficult for me to be without him. Inconceivable even. He is my world. I was so desperate, I even attempted to negotiate a compromise, where he could be with both me and this ex. But he stayed fast in his resolve that the oath was a problem. I didn’t even know that people still go to lengths such as this to ensure fidelity in their relationships.
I am hurting. I struggle with concentration at work; I have received two queries in a week for negligence of duties. This breakup-that-doesn’t-feel-like-a-breakup situation is draining the life out of me. Every time I consider cutting off from him, I get panic-stricken, like embarking on a life without him would be me stepping off a cliff into an abyss.
But I realise that I cannot continue like this. I want to know how I can stop loving him. The burden of my pain is weighting down my heart. I have tried to simply declare to myself that I should stop loving him, and it has been futile. My heart longs for him every waking hour.
And I want it to stop. How can I stop loving him? Somebody, please help me.
Written by Quadri
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27 Comments
O_shabby
May 09, 05:50Honestly you can’t stop loving him but you can just get yourself engage to someone else because he can come to you anytime and for the sake of the love you have for him you won’t neglect him just be in a open relationship with someone to keep your mind at ease
Black Dynasty
May 09, 06:51I will tell you the honest truth, right now and perhap for a few weeks afterwards it will continue to hurt. However, I can promise you that it will get better…. if you allow it.
Your heart is currently bleeding, not because you did something wrong but because Castor changed his mind. An injury cannot and will not heal if you keep poking @ it. It is difficult as hell to move on, especially when you did nothing wrong….. but you don’t really have a choice.
I speak as someone who was ghosted after 4 years with the same guy (long story). The first heart break is always devastating (I couldn’t function for weeks afterwards) but I promise you that time will heal this hurt….on the condition that you allow it heal.
People react different ways, for me I keep it moving, I can’t be friends, I don’t hang on and let anything linger. I just move on and give myself a chance to cope.
In a few weeks/months you will be ok, the scars will be there but you will be fine. The earlier you accept that Castor is no longer with you, the sooner the healing process can begin.
BRYAN PETERS
May 09, 07:08Hmmmm. They say the heart wants what it wants. However, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a step. It’s going to be very hard, seeing how attached you are to him. But the truth is it’s over. You would have to move on. It’s no good putting your life on the hold cos of a break up. Yes, it may seem that your world has come to an end, however, it really hasn’t. You feel terrible now, but trust me, you would feel much worse if you lost your job too. Then, you would be both emotionally and financially broken and other forms of “broken” would just keep adding to the list.
You can try to take this as an opportunity to get more productive. Take on more responsibility at work. Keep busy. Get a new hobby, keep your mind busy.
It is often said that one of the ways to get over an addiction is to get another one; so, try and get a good one. Join a book club, hang out with friends, go out, go to the movies, work late, join a gym. Just be occupied. The more you stay busy, the more the memories start to fade. No matter how slow the process may be and how long it may take, start today, take the first step. You would be better for it.
Rex
May 09, 08:24Quadri dear, so as it is, your sanity needs you, your job needs you, your friends need you, YOU NEED YOU.
Darling heartbreaks make us feel down but calmly think about this “do you really want to be with a guy that is enslaved to another man, a guy that cant figure himself out, a guy that blames juju for a silly decision he agreed to make?” na honey you deserve better, you see over the years I have learnt that using your head/logical thinking helpes heal broken hearts. Trust me its not going to be easy but it will hurt less by the day. You cant put your life on hold sugar, no you cant. If you loose your job to whose detriment kwanuuu. …. Baby you dont even know how strong you you are. No you dont, delete all his contacts, block them all (for now). Use your head not your head, and force your self out of crypityland and come back to the reality that you deserve better. I love you darling you can pull through this.
Higwe
May 09, 09:36Quadri : take this from me , there was no oath .
An oath would have killed him or made him ill the very first time you guys had sex .
You guys met on Grindr …it’s very possible he’s had lots of casual flings before he even met you .
Those smaller deities are neither lenient nor as forgiving as the Christian God…they strike at once .
I think he wanted to let you down slowly.He’s probably still in love with his ex (now current boyfriend ) or there is something he’s benefitting from him he can’t seem to let go.
Just like BD said , give it time .
You’ll heal eventually.
This is especially hard for you because it’s your first time .
In the game of love …there are bound to be hits and misses.
What doesn’t kill you , will eventually teach you .
Sworld
May 09, 11:03Only Love could break a spell but who knows about an Oath?, Maybe Death!.
Yeah, You love Him but what about His Love for you?. yeah! you gave love a shot and it turned out this way!.
you want to hear the truth? He used you! so my dear, you better wake up, your heart might be weak but your brain isn’t.
we learn everyday, what doesn’t kill you, will definitely make you stronger. Only you will help yourself out of the trauma because castor already moved on with the love of his life!. so pls do the same dear and never shut your heart to Love cos of one terrible experience! Move on dear, Time heals!.
Saucebutton
May 09, 11:21So much have been said already. I beg you to take action over this advice so you’ll see the truth in them. You’re strong, keep saying it. Look into the mirror and tell yourself you were broken but now strong.
Eddie
May 09, 13:04You poor thing!☹️
For your sanity’s sake, delete and block him….he ain’t worth it.
Let it all out…scream out, cry, do whatever k it’s okay. Go out with good friends, listen to upbeat songs about living and life(not heartbreak songs and love songs o)… accept that he’s gone and tell yourself that it’s going to be alright… that you’re going to be fine.
Every morning when you wake up and before you go to bed at night, recite this mantra out loud…” I am strong, I’m loved, I will survive!” and believe it.
Keep your chin up☺️
Shuga chocolata
May 09, 23:29Love another, but while at it F.L.Y first love yourself.
Astar
May 10, 00:30I’ve been there once. If you don’t get a grip on yourself, self harm will be next thing.
Don’t try to forget him and at the same time, accept that he’s gone. Just find a way to release your emotions. Like crying when you feel like it or going to the gym.
J
May 10, 01:01First of all you are a married man and you have children, so what are you looking for? I really can’t understand. Maybe he sees a future with his ex and not with you.
Secondly, for him to bring up his ex it means he’s no longer interested in you. Accept this cold truth and move on. Sometimes you don’t have to be explicitly rejected before you can let go, be mindful of simple indicators, they’re always there unless you ignore them.
Finally, this person obviously doesn’t love you back -so if you truly love him, set him free. Understand that it’s a phase and you will get over it, do away with everything that will make you think about him and keep your distance too. Respect his decision and don’t stalk him, otherwise you will hurt yourself the more and won’t get over him. May you have the strength and honesty to channel all your love and attention to your wife and children. They need it more than than this brother.
Quadri
May 10, 08:36Tnx boss 4 d advice, unfortunately it’s his ex dat is married not me.
Tman
May 10, 08:57He isn’t a married man, Castor’s ex is.
Quadri, I don’t think I can say more than the comments up there already
Love yourself. Heal, slowly. And don’t shut others.
I’ve been there, I know how it hurts, and trust it’s a gory process – the thoughts, reminisces, mood swings – but you’ll get better.
Much love!
Dimkpa
May 10, 15:48I cannot believe that in this day and age there are people who believe in oaths and all what not. Like seriously?
Is this for real?
Guy get a grip, that’s just an excuse he’s using to get rid of you.
I suggest you reread IBK’s post from a few days back if you want guidance.
DBS
May 10, 16:24It gets better with time. You’ll be alright
Youngy
May 10, 18:17Hey, am saddened to see guys who really believed in love yet kept on getting ghosted and disappointed by their partners
I was in your shoe once, this thing about love can often slip to obsession and insecurity if not checkmated
It’s not so easy to say move on, because once your in, your whole essence is attached to that being,
It’s kinda difficult to get all those memories out of ya head
It reach a point that I had to tolerate Alot of nasty things from my ex, such as allowing him to have another boyfriend and even make out with someone else because I was dam afraid of loosing him, but hey the first thing you should know is that he lied to you
There was nothing like an oat, his ex knew he was seeing u, and they had to discuss it on how you can be gotten ride of,
Secondly please this is the time to allow self esteem and ego rebound you.
Get someone, appealing, and just make sure u had a great sex with him, it will go a long way towards resetting and weakening that bonds, I know the type you met, they are husband materials 100 yards, so it’s not about sex too, they plan their future, see advise and me you see a life with them, you even see yourself as an invalid without spending it with them
I hate to break it to you, you are now the one hurting yourself
I recently met a beautiful dude, crushed and was falling, the came a certain time I asked him if he loose me what will happen,
The response stunned me
” Nothing, if I can loose my ex and still move on, I can’t see anyone else that will affect me like that anymore ”
Me still digging deep I ask him now am with you if your ex comes back will u abandon “us” and go back to him
He said
” if he gives him a good reason why he left, he wouldn’t mind going back”
Wow, I was so hurt and you know what, I started building emotional resistance towards him, while we still talk, I stopped getting so worked up, even fucked someone, get distracted, we still chat but I couldn’t imagine that within a short while I still feel attracted to him though, but I don’t feel that strong emotional bonds that nearly exploded my chest
So you need rebounding, and you should try for now to loose his numbers, pictures, unfriend on social media
Make me friends, chat with friends, don’t allow loneliness crept in
It’s a phase, but first u need to stop seeing the bastard , as alpha male, see him as someone that used you to keep up and left
I really wish u could read my anger typing this, building up this rage turn it to strength and see how far it will help you grow pass this shit
J
May 10, 20:14You know I realized that most men don’t like so much affection, they want to be mistreated a bit, they want someone that will give them a tough time. The moment you make someone know that they’re your all in all, then there’s no mystery to spark. Most men like mysterious, tough and shakara people, don’t show them you care too much. And anyone who wants you to change and be acting just to keep them doesn’t even deserve you in the first place, so don’t take them seriously.
Try and have a life, be busy, have a hobby, have friends. Don’t be clingy, mastubate often if possible. Touch yourself dear, have that alone moment, cook, eat, sing, exercise etc I have been doing quite a lot of that lately and I am at peace at least, I don’t need anyone distracting me. I’m so scared of allowing people into my space now, I feel they will just use me and run away. It’s good to be paranoid sometimes ?
I noticed most people that talk about love, monogamy, having that special someone etc have a very moderate sex life, they’re not sexually very active. And of course they watch movies about love and are into astrology and reading stuffs about zodiac signs, matches and that sort thing.
To love and be loved back is a very special feeling, but when it’s an unrequited love then there’s a problem. Learn to be independent, spend time alone, be very selective of the type of people you allow in your space.
And please I always say that asking people on the first date about what they’re looking for is not a sign of desperation. It’s good you know so that you will not hold on to them and waste your time. Are they monogamous, polygamous and etc? Do they want a relationship or only friendship? Be with someone that has the same values as you do, don’t try to change anyone or think they’ll will change in the nearest future. Love yourself, be very selfish with your time and maybe one day you’ll meet the right person. If they don’t come, continue to love yourself and live your life to the fullest.
Higwe
May 11, 12:11He’s honest though ….
I prefer someone who will tell me the truth (no matter how hurtful it sounds )to someone who will tell me lies and vaingloriously inflate my ego …only to send it crashing eventually.
Now you ‘ll guide your heart .
I give him C for sincerity.
Quadri
May 10, 21:47My sincere appreciation 1st to Pinky and then you all. I am so amazed the way you all rallied round me, I am blessed to have read all your comments.
Higwe
May 11, 12:41My people have a saying ……onye a na agbara afa ona ekwe na isi ; onye ana ebo ebubo ekwerego ?
The transliteration is… The person nodding because his fortune is being foretold ; has the person being accused accepted ?
The translation….you can take a horse to a river , but you can’t force it to drink .
I’ve learned overtime that people always know what to do …they ask for advice to further reinforce their stance .
Words are merely words …it’s fleeting .
Actions however ….
No one here is wearing your shoes , so definitely we can’t understand how it hurts.
But you _ yourself, can choose to wallow in the pain of a mangled toe or dip it inside a cold bucket of water and get some relief .
Love is hard .
Break up is harder .
But do you know the hardest ? …..Wasting time and energy, obsessing over something that was never meant to be.
You can’t get over everything in a day (you’re not an alien)…but tiny conscious efforts …go a very long way .
Don’t forget that tiny droplets made the mighty ocean .
I wish you the best of luck .?
pankar
June 02, 11:15You totally took two different sides here.
He needs reasons and support to take any one decision especially when he’s confused. Reason he reached out.
These things are always blank and white
J
May 11, 07:13You’re welcome Quadri, you’re brave to open up and seek advice. Thumbs up to you! It’s unfortunate that we in the LGBT community don’t have circle of friends. I just wish we can all unite and have like a support group where we can share contacts and be checking up on one another.
pankar
June 02, 11:17You can start a live support group if that’s what you mean. Or what do you call this place?
Bhawscity
May 11, 07:39I am so tired of crying myself to sleep every damn night. And seriously, how do people move on like so fast?
pankar
June 02, 11:21‘ how do people move on so fast?’
Some persons are saddists and once they think they have the upper hand in a breakup and that you are still hung on them, thats Gods speed for them – ego trip- to leave you and fast!. Reason you must move on too and show you have, because that might just be the thud they need to rethink the rship – that you aren’t hung on them afterall – ego burst
Bhawscity
May 11, 07:42I’m just trying so hard to stay happy, I would advise you do same. Truth is not everyone would have that special someone, and forever always doesn’t work all the time.
Tobi
May 18, 07:22Quadri, It’ll hurt but please accept that pain. It has happened, People would say Move on, Trust me it’s not easy to just move on but what i can assure you is that Time heals. It’ll get better, It probably may get worse before that but It’ll eventually get better. while you’re going through this phase of brokenness into beauty, remember that this community is with you. Keep Forging ahead, hold onto those dreams that kept you going, Like earlier stated, You’re not alone. our words, our hearts , our prayers are with you