MY LOVE OF AN HOUR
Someone – a wise person, I can imagine – once said that only fools rush in where wise men tread. Maybe I was a fool; but I couldn’t help falling in love with Tomi. Anytime I think about how love came to me, I think about the day we made our vows. By the lake side. I said some things, promised him forever. He was quiet. Had tears in his eyes. He crafted a canoe out of a sheet of paper and put it in the lake. We both watched it bob and weave as it sailed away.
His point was made even before he said the words to me. “Till the end of time, I will love you. In spite of the tides and storms that may make our love struggle.”
As I hugged him after that, there was no room for us to think about how the paper boat would eventually absorb water and sink or disintegrate, and the symbolism of that. No. We did not think of that. We simply hugged, with me whispering in his ear, “I love you.” Just shy of kissing because we were in a public place.
Tomi was one of the best things to ever happen to me. He’s that kind of person who comes into your life and makes you believe in all the possibilities of being committed to a man despite all the odds. I felt peace with him. Comfort. Love.
It took us a while to get there, to make things happen between us. But it happened. in those early days, we could talk about anything. Family. Nature. Education. Our individual experiences, hopes and dreams. He was scarred; fell for a straight guy in a situation that led to him being outed to his family. For this, he had trust issues. Was scared of committing his heart.
But I was there. I was present. And I was patient. Eventually, he began to open up to me.
Then the Christmas season was around the corner and I was going to travel home to Lagos to spend it with my family. We decided to spend some uninterrupted quality time together. Two days of just us. We lodged into a hotel room and it was all love. Even though we didn’t have sex, it was still one of the best times I’d ever spent with someone I cared about. His kisses that first night, his tender touches, the way we held each other in bed. It was all magical.
I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to go all the way to actual sex, but it was okay. I won his heart; I was going to win his body too.
The next day, we went out together to some places, visiting places, enjoying the leisure of our company. When we had dinner at a friend’s restaurant and during the banter with my friend, Tomi jocularly asked for my friend’s number so he can report me to him anytime I fuck up. I told him a third party wasn’t necessary for our relationship; if anything happens, he should be able to talk to me about it. It was after all about just the two of us.
That night, back in our room, during our intimacy, when I reached out to make a move for sex, he suddenly switched off. Told me he was tired. I was both hurt and bewildered. What was going on? Did he not find me desirable? Was there something about him that he was trying to hide? Questions darted about in my head, but I tried to stave them off. If there was something wrong, I would wait for him to let me in.
We slept off, and I woke up in the middle of the night to his caresses. We made out heavily, touching and groping and kissing. My body ached for more, but I didn’t push it. This much was satisfying. We slid back into sleep after the heavy petting.
When I woke up next early in the morning, it was to see him wanking quietly in bed. This hurt. That he preferred the release of masturbation to the satisfaction of our mutual desire.
There was an awkwardness between us that morning. An evaporation of something. Throughout the breakfast he ordered to our room, there was a stiffness to our communication. Whether it was because our brief holiday had come to an end or because of what I caught him doing, I couldn’t tell.
By the time I was done putting my things together, I’d had it. I sat down before him, took his hands, and told him how sad I was by what happened earlier. I told him how much I’d promised myself to commit to making this relationship work. How I would own up to whatever it was I was doing to put a strain between us. Relationships aren’t easy, but there is nothing we cannot overcome if we just communicate.
He got teary-eyed as I talked. And said simply that he was sorry.
Thereafter, we checked out of the hotel room and proceeded to the mall. It was Sunday and I’d wanted to go to church, but he made me forego that when he asked that we still be together that entire day. And I was fine with it – until he left me by myself at the mall to go watch an Arsenal match. I was infuriated by this. Not because he had his own interests to indulge, but because he’d made me forego mine just for him not to make an equal sacrifice. We fought after that.
But we made up later that day.
We stayed in touch while I was away in Lagos, from phone calls to video chats and all. When I returned to Abuja, we carried on like two people in a relationship would. There was bliss. And then there was stress. We would be intimate, and it would end at foreplay and romance. No sex. I was baffled by this. We would fight too. He would complain about my indecisiveness when it comes to making decisions for us. And I would complain about his spendthrift ways and how he could have gotten the car he wanted if he learned to save more. Sex was also an issue; I used to bring it up, trying to get him to tell me what was going on and why we weren’t going all the way. But when I realised it was a thorny issue he persistently wouldn’t talk about, I let that go.
Things began to get really bad when he traveled to Ibadan on a three-week work thing. Our conversations dwindled and he began to miss my calls. No video chats and slow responses to WhatsApp messages. When I drew his attention to this, he said work was crazy. I tried to believe this. I tried not to think about the fact that an ex of his had relocated from Abuja to Ibadan.
When he returned, he buzzed me, wanting us to have dinner at our favorite restaurant. We met and as we ate, we talked about his trip. About work. And when I asked if he saw his “friend”, his countenance changed. His expression betrayed him. Feeling a sinking feeling inside me, I asked him to simply tell me the truth.
He said he was sorry. That the guy – his ex – had called to know if he had come to town, and then came over to his hotel room for them to hang out. A hangout that ended with them making out.
Even though I’d worried myself sick with this in the past three weeks, I was heartbroken. Heartbroken and clearly a glutton for punishment, as I began asking him questions. Questions whose answers could only wound me. Did they have sex? Was the other guy hung? Was he skillful? Who came first? Did he enjoy it? What did he like about reconnecting with him? Was it me? Was I not good enough? My mind was running through a riot of thoughts, trying to figure out what was wrong. Maybe I was too rigid. Not fun enough. Maybe there was something I wasn’t doing right.
He said sorry over and over. I thought about ending things there and then. But he seemed so contrite. So remorseful. And I loved him so. He was getting teary-eyed and things had gotten so emotional that I was relieved we were in my friend’s restaurant and there weren’t a lot of people eating there at this time.
We tried to settle back into our rhythm after that. It was great. Things were good. It appeared that Tomi’s indiscretion had impressed on us the importance of what we had. There were still some issues to address, like the sex. But I had a plan. He would soon be traveling on another work thing, and we decided to make the night before his departure a thing. We would spend the night together in a hotel room and I was determined to set the mood right. We got to the hotel, had dinner, and then went out to the cinema. We got back later that night and went to bed.
Our intimacy was going great, until I revealed my intent to have sex. And it was as though we were back to the previous times we’d tried and failed. He stiffened and his demeanour soured. He pulled away from me, slid off the bed and went to the couch, where he began tapping away on his phone. I felt a flare of anger. What was this? Was this what I would be dealing with for as long as we were together? This was so unfair!
Suffice it to say that the night I’d imagined us having turned out to be a disaster. It was looking like Tomi and I could have a great relationship, as long as sex was not an issue.
He later told me that he’d written an email to Pink Panther that night at the hotel, telling him about his frustration over a boyfriend who craved anal sex, for which he was not ready to give. Because he was a Side. Something he claimed he let me know from the start of the relationship.
He told me this the day the post hit Kito Diaries on the “Dear KD” column. I didn’t get to the post until much later in the evening, and I sat there, feeling devastated by what I was reading. Reading the gateway that my boyfriend had unfairly opened for people to judge us – judge me – unfairly. As I skipped from comment to judgmental comment, I felt like screaming at everyone that THIS BOYFRIEND HAD GONE TO IBADAN, CHEATED ON ME, ONLY TO COME CRYING TO KITO DIARIES THAT I WAS TRYING TO FORCE ANAL SEX ON HIM!
I went to bed in heavy dismay.
After that day, there was nowhere for us to go but downhill. We didn’t see but we talked sparingly to each other. My birthday came and we made no plans. Instead he sent me a message. The awkwardness and painful lack of things to say to each other when we finally met one time was all it took to let me know that we were well and truly done.
I certainly didn’t need the WhatsApp message he sent thereafter to illuminate things for me. His message read: Can we just be friends? I just want to be finally honest with you. I look back now and I realize that I always felt rushed into this. We hadn’t known each other for long, but you were enthusiastic and you wanted something serious. And I liked you and wanted to give it a shot to see what happens. But I have realised for a while now that I prefer to be friends and nothing more. You did nothing wrong. I just hope we can still be friends.
Whether we go on to be friends or not is up to the Fates. I have loved and lost. But I’m sure I will go on loving.
Even if this love felt as fleeting as an hour. I’m sure I will go on loving.
If that’s what it takes. I’m sure I will go on loving.
Written by Sworld
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52 Comments
Radiance
May 31, 06:09Sigh. This feeling sucks, and I’m so sorry that what seemed so blissful has come to this. Hopefully, you’ll heal from this and get to love again.
See me sounding like I’m Tomi ?
But, mehn, with guys ehn, only god can safe us ?
stimpex
May 31, 06:22I wonder who’s lying?
Or was it just a case of initial miscommunication?
If it was, how is it that Tomi never reminded Sworld of the initial ‘no sex’ agreement? Or is Sworld’s account shaving off Tomi’s initial position on sex?
A man wonders.
A man is slightly confused.
Tomi
May 31, 17:29Neither of us is technically lying. But there are other aspects of this that you all that really know as well. Hopefully PP will release my full reaction soon.
Kelvin
May 31, 06:29Like they said, there are two sides to every story
You will be fine sworld
Mitch
May 31, 07:34*sigh*
The fact that he lied to you, cheated on you and took it further to lie to Pink Panther and the KD community, painting you in the light of an overbearing, inconsiderate boyfriend, tells you the kind of person he really is.
I don’t think people like him are capable of love. Not because they don’t deserve it. But because love can’t exist in the midst of lies.
That said, you also need to own up to your fault in this sad farce of a relationship. And that was your expectation. You don’t expect people to know what you want. You tell them to know if they want what you want.
Every single time you planned to have sex with him, you made the plans in your head and simply expected him to go along with it. In my experience, this is not just foolhardy. It usually is disastrous in a relationship.
Learn how to bring your needs and wants to the knowledge of your partner. If they don’t roll that way, good. At least, you know from the start and end her make a different plan or withdraw completely. The onus should be on you, after this blow to your psyche, to communicate more effectively so as to prevent things like this from happening to yourself.
That said, I hope you heal fast.
No one deserves the pain unrequited or ill-requited love brings. I hope you find peace soon.
The trial of Tomi
May 31, 10:49So you just took his world for it and branded me a liar right?? Ok
Mandy
May 31, 07:49This kind of shitty situation is way too common in the gay community. People constantly falling for others and expecting too much from relationships that those others can’t give but won’t be honest about not giving. Tomi was wrong for this. Whether he is a Side (which seems doubtful from your telling) or not, the fact is that he did not go into this relationship with you with the same intent to commit like you did. He shouldn’t have encouraged a relationship with you. He went into a relationship with you for all the wrong reasons. Because you wanted it? Because he wanted to see what happens? No, no, no. You don’t date people based on these.
Sworld, you were also wrong for this. You should always ALWAYS communicate your feelings and expectations. Especially in a young relationship that hasn’t lasted the length of time it takes for lovers to be intuitive about their partner’s feelings and intentions. You should have been frank and open about what expectations you had, and when Tomi won’t meet them, you take that as a red flag to check out of the relationship.
COMMUNICATION cannot be over-exaggerated in a situationship between lovers. Someone might say: “But if I speak my mind, I might offend him and he will say i’m nagging him and leave me.” Well, to those, I say: “Then that’s how you know he is not the one for you.”
Plus I get the feeling you two dived headlong into this thing without taking a beat to simply enjoy each other first. There is nothing with being friends who have sex. That is a privilege us gay people can enjoy without judgment that is attached to it when it comes to straight people. Just be friends who are getting to know each other through conversation and sex. this helps a long way in determining whether two people really want to be together.
KingB
May 31, 08:50Love wey me dey find, na him someone else dey throway.Irony of life. We shall be alright las las
Cocent
May 31, 13:53I’m with you, sir. I read the story and was like “This life is such a paradox”!
Yaya
August 08, 23:44Tomi must have told Sworld but he was hoping tomi will outgrow it
Higwe
May 31, 09:10This is why I’m never quick to judge or castigate the other persons in all these stories submitted here.
If you’ve dealt with humans long enough , you’ll know there is always a story behind a story.
Hardly anyone presents a version that makes them look culpable .
Reason every sensible person should tread with caution whilst riding that “moral ” high horse.
Beware of the dangers of a single story – Chimamanda Adichie.
****************
Funnily enough , the people that had so much to say there , will still have so much to say here ????
“Fickle like leaves – dancing to every wind ” .
Fred
May 31, 16:42This is exactly what I thought as I read this story through.
We just don’t know it all.
Higwe
May 31, 09:39I hope other people follow suit and send their rebuttals.
There are stories I’ve read here that just didn’t sit right with me….but having an opposing viewpoint here is synonymous to seeking attention.
While we may never know for sure who is telling us the absolute truth between Sworld and the other guy ….one thing we do know for sure is that ….one of them is telling the truth or both are lying .
So before liefly hitting your keypad…typing strongly worded ,derogatory, condemning epistles …..halt for a second and THINK …you might actually be hurling all these obscenities at the innocent party ….based on one person’s version …. the person you think you KNOW …who may or may not be telling the truth .??♂️??♂️
saucebutton
May 31, 09:55Las las you’ll be fine. Be strong and communicate more to any one you would want to commit to.
Enjoyed the fact that you aren’t given up on Love. It’s sweet but I wonder why one has to go through much stress to really find it.
PHOENIX
May 31, 10:57Anybody to direct me to the ‘prequel’ please. The title can do. I need to read Tomi’s side of the story
Pink Panther
May 31, 11:40The link to Tomi’s side of the story is in this story. Check the part where he talked about the post coming on Kito Diaries.
PHOENIX
May 31, 12:20Thanks
The Kd trial of Tomi
May 31, 11:04Its maniacally bewildering that I have been painted to seem like a pathological liar here. In fact neither of us are technically “liars” here; (I genuinely felt backed into a corner about the pressure to have anal sex thing and only sort the advice of pink panther and a couple of other people’s aswell on how to resolve the issue, it was PP’s idea to bring it up here, believe it or not) his just given a more detailed account of what transpired on the entire relationship but comprehensively played the victim and absorbed himself of any blame whatsoever.. Let every one else carry on with my judgment though.
Wayfaring stranger
May 31, 12:05Sigh. I can be your rebound if you want. ??
demi
May 31, 14:51its hard for me to pick a side but I feel for sworld.. I think he genuinely cared for tomi and I kinda hope for them to fix this and be togeda but without kidding, I dont think tomi loves him enough..
both should apologize to each other but because i think sworld cares more according to d story and tomi text to him about not feeling d whole relationship bar being a side or not, allow him to heal and I hope he comes around so y’all can be buddies…
as for tomi, well I don’t understand d ‘side’ thing well enough but its something to make potential beaus really grab b4 anything to avoid such again.. I think ud prolly find someone for you eventually.. love yall
PHOENIX
May 31, 15:21You penned my thoughts Demi except the friend zoning ?.
I hope they both find someone they are compatible with. The VOWS came too early with all these issues unresolved.
One rhetorical question for Tomi though, never ever having anal sex or just not with Sworld?
Sworld, for the latter part of your post, ☑️✔️✅?
Tomi
May 31, 17:23Never ever having it, even tried it and it just doesn’t work for me. And the truth is I told Sworld this on the first day I met him.. That’s the truth.
Tomi
May 31, 17:25And I told him about (the not liking anal pen part) on the first day I met him, believe it or not…
Temi
June 05, 05:40Tomi & Sworld I feel you guyz can settle this off social platform. Just be more open to each other and if you feel it won’t work out my dear come off it there is nothing like being friends with an ex.
Sworld
May 31, 15:08My friends still mock me that I was used as specimen for trail and error of Love, Maybe cos i had always talk proudly about you to them. I embrace it now before they could make fun of me.
I just want to tell you I once truly loved you and I miss you cos the moment i had with you were really genuine to me.
seeing this post here today ripped my heart off cos it has really been a long while I wrote this to PP and I have really moved on!.
J
May 31, 18:14Forget about the sex part, this person obviously didn’t like you much… From your story, he has given you so many red flags, but you ignored them. Get rid of anyone that makes you the kind of exhausted that has nothing to do with sleep.
Reading your story felt like watching an emotional abusive romantic movie. I didn’t believe there were guys who are looking for a stable gay relationship in Nigeria. Keep to yourself until you meet someone who understands you better.
Black Dynasty
May 31, 16:27*sighs* the importance of communication cannot be overstated tbh. Folks need to understand that people cannot understand you fully if you do not express yourself.
Folks keep quiet and expect the other to understand how you feel and what you want… whilst silently getting upset and angry over what you haven’t communicated to each other. Just gathering unnecessary resentment and frustration tbh.
I really do wish men would talk more openly, freely and honestly. If your honesty and genuine self scares the other person away, then they probably weren’t meant to be with you in the first place.
Patrick
May 31, 16:51I do have a lot in common with Tomi: A side and an Arsenal fan???
Tomi
May 31, 17:30Lol, oh yes tough time to be an arsenal fan though… Really tough.
Patrick
May 31, 21:15I know right. I’av learned to compartmentalize. I’m hardly affected by their mediocrity these days.
Tomi
June 01, 07:20But its not still easy to just feel absolutely “nothing” each time they fail again and again. This is the club if my life, I am stuck with them.. You don’t love somebody or something for 14 years+ and still not have some hope..
Omiete
June 01, 10:46Oh my lawd!! We should have a side hangout. Just saying
Tomi
June 01, 17:38Lol interesting..
Rx
June 01, 20:21Yea lol, I feel so lonely
Audrey
June 01, 23:07Odiegwu…
suddenly everyone has become a side I cannot be left out Mbanu!
Me I’m a Front abi Na Back I be which one I go choose.
Do I have my type in the house?
Tomi
June 02, 07:57Lol
Ryan
May 31, 16:55Hmmm…
Relationship isn’t a day trip, it’s a house of many blocks. You don’t get a house from foundation in a day.
Quite touching, stories from the two ends, something about Sworld caught Tomi’s attention that’s untold. Sworld couldn’t hide love at first sight but wanted more, he just wanted a house in a day!
On the other hand, Tomi, keeps nuturing what about Sworld that got him…perhaps, Sworld’s colour, etc.
Sworld, pick your pieces and move on, there’s someone out there who would love and cherish you more…
Tomi, you mean friendship is all you wanted and couldn’t spelt it out at first?
A part of the story got me…Tomi masturbate while Sworld still right beside him? That’s crazy and really an insult to Sworld!
Notably, communication is key in all *-ships* including relationship.
Love yourself more to heal faster Sworld…
Tomi, how’s your ex in Ibadan, hope you’d move on with him…good luck!
Peace
May 31, 18:51Hmmmm.. I really deem myself unfit to give relationship advices cause I don’t know jack. But then I wish you guys had stayed together, because your love story is so inspiring and beautiful. I wish it had lasted forever. Reading your story today from the point before things went downhill, really increased my yearning for a good and stable relationship like you guys had, even though I’ve never been in one.
Dear Sworld and Tomi, I hope you both heal from this pain , I hope you both find compatible people. Sending you both my love from this side of Abuja
J
May 31, 19:47Tell them you want to get to know l them LOL Don’t be shy aunty! Which one is this side of Abuja? ?
Tomi
May 31, 20:47Lol
Peace
May 31, 21:13Errrm hegzkuzz me…….
J
May 31, 23:15See as ‘side’ matter dey cause wahala and you want to add your own side of Abuja ? ?
Peace
June 01, 17:33Hahahahaha go away joor.
J
June 02, 21:54???
Magiccharlie
June 01, 06:52Being a side is really tough and I can relate…in every relationship communication is key…sometimes I wonder if sides can have a healthy relationship.
Tomi
June 01, 07:23Why not? Mine ended but not necessarily because of being a “side”
McDuke
June 01, 08:50I don’t know why everyone is making this a communication issue. For me this was never a communication issue…the truth of the matter is that Tomi never loved Sworld the same way Sworld loved him. Tomi loved the idea of being in a relationship more than the person he is in the relationship with and seeing how much Sworld loved he feels he can get away with anything which to me is mean and cruel. How do you claim to be a side and your bf have no idea about it but you’re already on KD playing the victim and telling every other person that cares to listen claiming you told him initially (pls this is not sth you say just once…). And for the records, I don’t believe Tomi is a side…he’s just being manipulative and trust me Sworld, he doesn’t deserve you, you deserve much more better.
Delle
June 01, 10:51This is quite an insensitive comment to drop. And very dismissive.
If someone says he is something, you give the benefit of doubt. He says he is a Side, take his word for it.
I do not think Sworld got cheated by Tomi, I think Sworld allowed his heart rule over his head and expected more than was available for the taking.
Lopez
June 01, 09:30Do you guys have to do this here? both of you playing the victim to strangers, how is that going to validate anything? you two exactly know what transpired between yourselves and talking about here is only going to make things worse. it’s over so move on, if you can’t, deal with it, you’re adults for God sake.
stimpex
June 02, 01:04We call it washing thy dirty pant in the main road
Seun
June 05, 11:02lol…really
Stretchy
June 18, 18:50We should have Side support group. Sides what do y’all think?