We were walking down the street, laughing at jokes that only the two of us in the entire world could get. It was evening, and the combination of the florescent street lights and the surrounding darkness made it seem like our skins were glowing. He had the most adorable laugh. We were high from the fervour of sharing each other’s company. A walk down this street that used to feel like an endless journey where you have to navigate pot-holes and see people, some of which you had to talk to, felt like taking a go in the newest fun ride in the amusement park. Till this day, I’m not sure if we encountered anyone on our stroll because in that moment, he was all that existed and it felt like I was all that existed for him too. No two other souls could cohere more flawlessly. We were definitely two of the lucky ones Lana sang about.

We got to my stop. I was laughing at the very mundane thing he had just said, after which followed a silence that would have been awkward in any other moment, between any other persons. But there was no awkwardness for us. It was a concept that was impractical between us.

And then, in the brief moment between a wink and my eyelids flying back open, he planted a kiss on my lips.

“What the hell was that?” I queried, startled.

“I just needed to do that. I needed something physical to take home from this night,” he replied, smiling unabashedly. And then he caught on to my alarm, and began, “Oh God, are you not… You’re not… I am so sorry…”

“You should learn to control yourself,” I chided gently, before going on to point out that we could be lynched if anyone had seen him kiss me.

I even risked a hasty glance around, my eyes searching the dusk for any eyes, any undesirable attention that might have arrested that moment of affection. I was terrified of getting kitoed right there in front of my home.

But when the alarm passed, I began to feel other things. That kiss had started something in me, like a spark that ignites a piece of paper that goes on to burn the whole house down. I suddenly felt the urge to grasp him by the head and return the kiss. The need frightened me. I should control this flame, I told myself, or else it would ravage me.

I told him to come see me the next day so that we could further explore each other’s minds and hopefully conquer each other’s bodies.

As I began making my way inside after we parted, already impatiently anticipating tomorrow, loud speakers from the sitting room playing one of those generic Afro pop beats violently dragged me back into reality. I had returned here. Here where lonely and depressed were my constant states. Here where who I am and what I want is wrong. I am me again, me who is not bold enough to do anything about my excruciating loneliness.

But there was something different about tonight, about my loneliness. For as I went to sleep, I found myself drifting off to that realm, that magical place where my soul mate was waiting for me. It wasn’t the real world, but it was alright as long as he was in it.

Written by Real

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  1. Ken George
    September 10, 08:42 Reply

    Loneliness is psychological, its a thing of the mind. And sometimes its even borne out of our choices. Many gay people pretend that everything is wrong with our society, and not us. Oh how we love to parade ourselves as victims of this cruel environment that has refused to last us “have fun” or perhaps “fall in love”?? Hello wake up already! You and I are the architects of our predicament. Friendship, relationship survive based on the choices we make. Many of us have not even been able to love and accept ourselves for who we are, but we are very quick to blame the outside world for not acceptibg us. You keep your so called friends and lovers at a distance claiming fear of being kitoed. Its not just being kitoed Thats the problem, somewhere deep down u still see your friendship/relationship as being dirty or sinful or even evil. So in my opinion, the so called lucky ones only exist in your mind, and nowhere else

    • Foxydevil
      September 10, 08:56 Reply

      ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
      Nothing to add here, you’ve said it all.

    • Pink Panther
      September 10, 09:06 Reply

      This is a very resounding comment. On-point, Ken. Very on-point.

      • Leo
        September 10, 09:31 Reply

        No he’s not mr panther ?

    • Mandy
      September 10, 09:22 Reply

      This is why I’m so not impressed by people who use the excuse that society doesn’t endorse gay relationships as an excuse to sleep around and reject loving relationships. Like seriously nigga, how about you stay true to your hoe-ly self and say you’re simply too afraid and semi-hateful of yourself inside to have a meaningful relationship with a guy, especially if you have no problem carrying on with a woman to appease the society

    • Leo
      September 10, 09:29 Reply

      Spoken like someone who has never truly experienced depression. And I’m not talking about those brief periods of being “sad” that everyone feels and chalks it up to being depressed. You don’t just tell a depressed or chronicle lonely person “yo! Snap out of it. It’s all in your head bitch!”. And you think all that new age crap they keep peddling about loving yourself and finding inner peace makes a difference to those ACTUALLY suffer mental and psychological pains that most people can’t imagine. Happiness and loneliness and depression and self hate aren’t switches you turn off and o n. And how do you expect someone who’s been told from birth that how he feels and how he thinks is evil to feel just because he finally got laid? I’m tired of everyone making it seem like those poor guys who can’t accept themselves or who are struggling with their sexuality as the “enemy” for not putting on some glitter and bursting out the closet door.

      Wow. Thank you Ken, you’ve turned me into one of those people that leaves a poorly written sad/angry novel as a comment ?

      • Pink Panther
        September 10, 09:38 Reply

        I don’t believe he was taking aim at sufferers of depression.

        • Leo
          September 10, 09:48 Reply

          I feel like if you can’t comment something positive or constructive after someone posts something personal then you shouldn’t comment at all. And whatever his intentions were, ” loneliness is a choice” is something that should not be said to another person.

        • Real
          September 10, 10:09 Reply

          yeah, I believe there are some who can relate

      • Foxydevil
        September 10, 10:27 Reply

        You just made everything about you and totally misinterpreted his very intelligent comment.
        Depression is a real thing . I have acknowledged that too, if you checked my post a few days ago.
        He is talking about people that simply refuse to explore, to live freely and thrive ,simply because of the imaginary restrictions they created inside their head about the society and how its only agenda is to keep them from being themselves.
        I’ve been with people that are depressed, nothing is as scary as depression, not only does it eat you up inside, it creates an unhealthy addiction ,some people turn to substance ,food or drug abuse, others turn to a voracious unrestricted sexual cravings others inflict harm upon themselves, cutting, breaking and so many other despicable practices.
        That being said, unless the story is incomplete, the writer of this story didn’t show any sign of depression, so I wonder why you had to bring it up, just to prove you are a better person and clearly more sensitive .

        Side note : this place is not for lady bird stories, this is reality ….this is real people sharing real stories, whether it comes under “our stories ” or “fictions ” it is still experiences and witnessed event speaking under a disguise. So you don’t get to say people shouldn’t comment unless it is positive. I find that comment highly insensitive and judgemental and a bit self serving. People should be free to speak their minds ,that’s what reality encompasses. Not everyone would share your views and certainly not everyone would agree with you… Maturity is learning to ignore it you don’t agree or learning from it if you want to.
        Sheesh ?.

      • Ken George
        September 10, 11:52 Reply

        Loneliness and depression are not the same thing. One is a mental illness would never make fun of someone suffering mental illness. All I am saying is you can prevent loneliness by choosing to love yourself, your entire self… including the fact that you are attracted to the same sex. If you hate or are ashamed of yourself, then don’t expect anyone else to like or accept you. Try to open your heart to those who actually like you the way you are. If you choose to travel your journey alone, then you cant be heard to complain of loneliness. Many will never let any of their so called “friends” come anywhere near their home or family… its like “we can be friends so long as it ends in a random public place where no one can identify me. ” Don’t let your life be ruled by the paranoia of being kitoed, so much that u forget to live it.

    • Real
      September 10, 10:07 Reply

      well, That’s the actual point of the story

  2. Real
    September 10, 10:34 Reply

    anyone is free to interpret this anyway they want or need to, but keep in mind that people have had different experiences, maybe similar but different

  3. quinn
    September 11, 22:54 Reply

    Ah, i can relate. BTW love Lana always!

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