To All The Boys I’ve Loved (Entry 7)

Hey Choco,

How are you doing? It’s been a while. It’s not like you never reached out or anything. I’ve just been too much of a coward to admit to the fact I fucked up what I think would have been a beautiful relationship.

You were the first person and only person I ever stalked on social media and ended up dating.  To be honest, when we first started texting, all I had was a lame crush. But you grew on me. You had – and I would definitely say, still have – this warmth that you radiate from inside you. I met you in a time when I was healing from a nasty relationship and you made me realize in your own way that it was okay to be vulnerable. You made me see that one is only truly strong when he admits weakness and his need for help.

I didn’t give you the time of day, Choco. You were amazing. You were patient and kind. You were always there for me to talk to on days when I needed someone. You were there. And I took your availability for granted. I could say I’m sorry, but that would not be enough. I learned a lot while I was with you. You taught me friendship was key in any relationship. You made me see I’d have to see and trust you like I did with my other friends.

You made me see vulnerability as a strength and the fact I could still choose to be vulnerable with someone after being taken advantage of several times made me the strong one.

You also showed me how jealousy and a bit of possessiveness are needed. I didn’t agree with you then, but I do now. I would want my man to look me in the eye and tell me, “You’re mine and I won’t let anyone take you from me.”

Choco, I don’t know why this happened, but for some stupid reason I picked my friends over you. They didn’t think you were man enough and I was too much of a pussy to shut them up and stick with you; even if it meant losing their friendship. I was a coward – yes, I was. I gave up all you were because I was scared of falling out with friends. What’s funny is even after you, they still do not relate to my taste in men. At first I was mad at them but now I understand we don’t and never will have the same taste in men. We are different. I for one will never be blown away by the sight of a muscular man. Sean and Ugo still think it’s strange though.

Choco, I was an ass. I really hope you can forgive me. If you’re reading this, please just say something. I am still plagued by guilt anytime I see your post up on Instagram or try to go back in time to forgive myself for some of the shit I’ve done.

I am truly sorry.

Love Olly.