JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 6)
June 22
There’s this guy I recently started chatting with. Ola. My, my, my… he’s got a smoking body. His face is not all that, but I can always put a paper bag over his face or close my eyes and picture someone else. Lol. Okay, it’s not that bad, but still.
I’d love to get into his pants, but I’m resisting and hesitating because he’s bi. I don’t have anything against bisexual people. It’s just that, there are some that spell trouble for you if you get involved with them, and my instincts were telling me to stay away. He’s one of those guys who will thrash as long as it’s a hole, and he has little respect for those he’s thrashed, and I don’t want to be one of his trophies. He also seems like someone who would lash out drastically, if his sexuality or masculinity is questioned. I have a friend who was outed by some bisexual guy, who carried tales about how my friend purportedly seduced him.
And to make matters worse, I found out this Ola fellow doesn’t even kiss and all that… Blergh!
The reasons for not doing it don’t really feel substantial when I look at them now as I write, but my instincts are blaring alarm signals that this one is full of drama.
But there’s still the classic battle between my hormones and my brain. Brain is saying “Sit down in your house and wank to your porn collection, or call a gay friend, or travel to see your bf if you’re so horny.” While Hormones – those little tramps – are reminding me how hot his body is and telling me to ignore Mister Goody-Two-Shoes Brain and go live on the wild side a little.
*sigh* Brain is winning so far, but that’s only cause I’m avoiding seeing the guy or being alone with him. I cannot categorically tell you that I will not pounce on him if we end up alone in a room. But I can always make sure that I don’t create a scenario for that (I think)
Two weeks ago, I got into trouble with Le Boo. Na me cause am sha. I went to sleep with my ex, John.
I felt guilty and in an attempt to free my conscience, I told Duke. I knew he’d be mad, but not mad enough to break up with me. He was after all the one asking me whether I had slept with John since we started dating, and how I should tell him the truth that he wouldn’t mind. But he didn’t take my telling him later very lightly. I begged and begged and even decided to drop all my plans to travel to where he was so that I could show him how sorry I was and we could talk and stuff. But he said no. That we are over. That I am wicked. Etcetera, etcetera.
I felt really sorry, but when he refused to give me the address to his new place, I decided to give him his space, and if he was serious with the break-up, then so be it. It’s not like I had much to go back to. More often than not, I have to remind myself that I have a boyfriend, and that he is real and not imaginary. His online presence is so low, and his is one of those cases where “out of sight and out of mind” works. When we are together physically, we click and shii, but when he’s away… Blergh.
So evening comes, and he beeps me on BBM – I’m horny.
What am I to do about that, I reply, a bit irritated.
Come over.
If he was around me, I would beat him with a brick. So I have turned to a booty call, abi? If the whole drama wasn’t happening, I might have found it sexy and shii, but this just felt irritating. I was even beginning to move on nicely from him (one cannot suffer himself because of one guy na)
We argued back and forth, but since I’m the one who actually was at fault and went to put my dick where it shouldn’t have been, I conceded to traveling to his place where I made him feel better as many times and as many ways as he wanted to. *wink*
We are still together and it’s still strained but whatever. I’m just chilling for the day I’ll decide I’ve had enough.
I’m sure many people are rolling their eyes and saying, “This is why I don’t do gay relationships. They cheat too much and there’s too much drama.”
I laugh and shake my head nowadays when I hear such. Because straight relationships are devoid of cheating and are drama-free, abi? Abegi! Go tell that one to the birds. My straight friends are cheating all over the place. And even the females have started to be masters at the game. And the drama can be epic.
Still relationships are not by force. You can fuck all over the place but I bet it would be awkward to want to cuddle during a one night stand.
Personally, I find the slutty life tiring. The first few times might be aii, but it gets exhausting. This one doesn’t kiss… That one doesn’t give BJs… This one is not clean and wants you to still fuck… That other one simply wants to go right in… One time I was with someone who kept asking me to bite harder on his nipples and I was scared I would draw blood from them. In the end, what I really want is someone to come back home to or wait for anxiously because the mo’fucka is late. Someone whose embrace and scent I’m familiar with, and whose lips I know like the back of my hand. It’s just like a comment I saw on Kito Diaries: ‘Sex takes care of an immediate need. Love takes care of the rest.’
And here’s my definition of love: Seeing the good, the bad and the ugly and all the bullshit, but deciding to stay because your life would feel incomplete without that person. Cause you want that person to be a part of your life and would do anything to keep it like that.
It’s flawed thinking, I know. But the human race is too flawed to have high expectations or expect a perfect story book relationship. I go into my relationships expecting the other person to cheat. It hurts when I find out, yes. I will rant and fume and do nyanga. But in the end, if I feel the person is worth sticking with, then I will stay.
But that’s just me.
I’m hungry as fuck and it’s past midnight. Lemme go and soak garri… till later.
Written by James
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18 Comments
Rapu'm
June 30, 06:08Okay, so I’m first to comment today, yey! This was a nice one, James. Yeah, that stuff about some guys not giving bjs just got me laughing. I’ve been with maybe two guys who said similar things. But when I also refused to give a bj, they gave it. And boy, were they good! You no dey give bj my head!
Ehen, that said. Me, I’m obssessed with love and commitment oh. But everyday what I see is just hit-and-run, and it’s depressing. So I’m doing a sex boycott, lol.
pinkpanthertb
June 30, 06:10Good for you!
Sex boycott? Oh dear Gawd! *shudder*
Chizzie
June 30, 06:26the major problem I have with this journal is its lack of cohesiveness. just when I was beginning to warm up to Ola, it went abruptly to Duke and just when that was sinking in, it went to a comparism between sam sex and intersex relationships. I just wish you’d focus on someone or something and ramble abt that
therealsalte
June 30, 10:27Today I will totally agree with you. I don’t even know if they read this before they post it sef. I was waiting know about Ola then he brought in Duke’s drama and before that could sink in he’s now comparing and contrasting, Osheeey writer! *chews my gum harder, park my weave, and adjust my azz on seat,* Next!!!!!
waitinForMyArabianPrince
July 01, 10:17my dear….life itself is not cohesive and it is the way life rambles that make our existence beautiful and diverse…..so I’ll like to enjoin you to let James be.
P.S. the rainbow is a rambling of seven colors
pinkpanthertb
July 02, 05:09LOL! Good one. The rainbow part. Lol. That was such a cheeky comment.
Dennis Macauley
July 01, 16:58Chizzie is often right, without the acerbic sarcasm ofcourse.
Absalom
June 30, 07:14Entering into a relationship – monogamous, I presume? – “expecting the guy to cheat” perpetuates the stereotype (mostly true, if you ask me) that gay men find it difficult growing out of their teens. See this article in The Guardian from 2006: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2006/apr/21/gayrights.comment
Why would an adult go into a relationship without a plan, without setting ground rules?
I am monogamy – minded but I don’t advocate it for everybody or in every situation. Some people won’t settle down with one person; don’t judge them for it, don’t force them to, especially given the Nigerian homophobic clime. When I was in an open relationship, I towed that line because at that point in my life, I was not emotionally ready to handle the responsibilities of an exclusive arrangement. Secondly, I’d just made a vow then – which still stands – that I’m not going to do long-distance dating ever again. Having to do trips or draw up a time – table just to see someone I love…sorry, I’m doing that anymore. I believe (monogamous) couples should be together, and it’s not just about the sex; the companionship nko? The peace that he’s within reach any day!
So, if I’m getting into into a relationship and we’re going to be seeing other people, it has to be clear from day one, nothing should be presumed. We are not babies. That’s my stand on relationships, infidelity and whatnot.
I quite like today’s very…candid entry, by the way. 🙂
pinkpanthertb
June 30, 07:46Sometimes you echo what I’m thinking so much it’s uncanny.
Dennis Macauley
July 01, 17:00Absalom! One million likes again! Dude you always take them words right outta my mouth
CeeCee
June 30, 09:30James, this is a beautiful piece, i like the way you so effortlessly transport the reader into the character’s shoes. The journal rambles, yes, but it does so with subtle infusements of creativity, i say; more of that!! Yes, I view bi guys with some caution, from my experience, they enjoy sex guys just as much, yet remain so emotionally detached that they’d think nothing of participating in a vicious bout of gay bashing. Its always better to let your brain take the lead rather than your dick/ass. In other words, think with your head and not your dick/ass!
Dating/monogamous relationships are cute, but not everyone is designed to be in one, if you can handle it, go for it, if you cant, spare yourself and your partner the heartache and bitterness cos in the end you’ll just complicate an already complex life and succeed in making one more enemy you really dont need.
JustJames
June 30, 11:39Love this comment. Oops. There’s a like button.
sensuousensei
June 30, 11:07Well done, James. This is one of your best entries so far.
Concerning this rambling matter, I think its about time we addressed it, especially since I know we have some accomplised writer here.
My understanding of a diary or journal is that it is supposed to be an account of experiences that happen daily. Most days sort of go from one aspect to another, like a ramble. But on some days, one issue is prominent. So by my understanding, its not unusual for a diary to sound like its rambling. It should sound like meeting a close friend who is giving you gist about things happening in his life. So if you are close to this friend, there could be five or more topics you have been receiving gist about for a while. And he can download all these in one sitting. So that’s would seem like a ramble. However, the trick is that it should be done creatively. So that the progress from one topic to the other should seem natural and easy and even unsurprising. That is what I know oh! And I’m wondering why the issue of rambling keeps coming up so often. Journal writers are expected to sorta ramble.
Those queen-writers among us, biko correct me if I’m wrong.
chestnut
June 30, 13:04It’s ok to want love and commitment,but “obssessed”? Darling,it’s not that serious…just chill and have (responsible) fun without crazy expectations. Goodluck though!
Blaq Jaqs
June 30, 20:08I really enjoyed this (laughed especially hard at biting nipple incident cos I had a similar sexperience a while). Like others comments have stated, I think it’s your best entry yet. And amidst the ‘rambling’ I feel like I’m getting to know you better and can connect with the things you wrote about especially with this entry. Well done ad keep it up!
Lothario
June 30, 20:16James one of your best entries so far. As for waiting for the other shoe to drop with the bf, I think tthat’s a bit unfair. If you’re done with him, let him go….that’s why most relationships never work, no laid down rules in the beginning, and when we’re fed up, we just wait it out just so we’re not labelled ‘the bad guy’. At the end of the day, ‘managing’ a relationship isn’t the way to go at all.
king
July 30, 13:16I feel u in d bite nipple incident..mine was someone who wanted to just sniff my armpits and any hole in me dat had any hair at all!!..oh boi wetin we no go see for dis tb domain….oh well I have to pack well coz I am all about the jump and catch…ain’t sticking to no one fella….oh sorry Dats just me….
Jan
February 11, 22:57Your definition of love is so apt James. Yes, drama can be epic and cheating is all over the place
Let me stop regurgitating your piece . It is simply raw and beautiful