MY PROBLEM…AND MY SOLUTION
Love is a tricky thing. It varies in intensity and in the specificity of emotions. It is sometimes the most beautiful thing in the world and, at other times, it’s the most horrid thing one will ever know. It’s odd how one thing can be the cause of so many contrary feelings – love is the only thing that can easily and comfortably encompass both good and evil, beautiful and ugly. There is, however, another kind of love, a much darker and sadder kind of love. It’s the kind of love that doesn’t signal the beginning of something beautiful, but rather the end of something that might have been beautiful, but will never amount to anything more than what it is.
I know this particular kind of feeling all too well.
Most of these mornings, when I wake up, it is with the heaviness of melancholy, a feeling usually brought on by a remnant of the night before. I reach for my phone. My IMs are dotted with words like “Please”, “Baby”, “No”, “Stop”. He is the reason I feel this way. Not again, I groan, mumbling, ‘I hate you for doing this to me.’
As an ardent Christina Aguilera fan, I always need a song to define the way I feel and augment the moment. And so, I explore my media player, open my collection of Aguilera’s music (all 5 of her albums, singles and OSTs) and decide to play Underappreciated, a song off of the Stripped album. Her sonorous vocals fill up the space around me and I am totally in a new place. At last, I find an escape route from my thoughts of Efe. Efe… He who is – what is ubiquitously referred to as – my ‘one and only’. I love him in the head-over-heels kind of way, but he became an ex sooner than I expected. He’s the reason I feel the way I do. When Kelly Rowland recorded the song, Still in Love with My Ex, for her Ms. Kelly album, I thought she’d gone cuckoo. But that was before Efe struck and I realized it is possible to identify with every line throbbing with pain from that sad love song.
How did we meet? What went wrong?
Flashback to sometime late 2010, precisely September, in my heydays of gay social networking. I’d just signed up to one of the raving gay sites then, and had no expectations. Minutes later, I was notified that I had just received a new message. Excited, I quickly opened to view its content. Nice… this stranger requested for my Skype id, mobile phone number and sent me his pictures – the person I saw was good looking and quite sexy. I checked out his profile info, his age, height, and status. Perfect! I replied, and then waited in anticipation. I didn’t have to wait long. He responded. A rendezvous was arranged and in no time, all was set.
It was a beautiful evening, the day we were supposed to see. The streetlights adorned the atmosphere and gave it such great luminescence. Abuja is a beautiful city, I mused. The El-Rufai cab sped down the Area 11 axis, and in no time we were at the 1502 Condominium. The cab drove into the complex, where I alighted. There I was wearing a white t-shirt with blue jeans (classic combo) and white kicks – le freak c’est chic. And then, after my call, he came out to receive me, waving and smiling from the other side of the street. He was this brawny, well chiselled, dark skinned fellow, even better looking than what his virtual representation offered. Right there and then, I was drenched with lust at the sight of him. A spark blew my fuses and I stood there, thinking about getting to those pouty lips, fusing mine on them, and working my way down the length of that body to whatever I shall find behind the trousers, something I was sure would please me very much. Like Ke$ha said in Dying Young, that magic in his pant was making me blush.
Ensconced in his pad, we started conversing, made dinner together and played adventure games on the PlayStation 3 console. We shared a taste in choice of music and fashion. He was very warm. And we had a great time, bonding quickly and managing to hold off on making any sexual moves, which of course I silently craved. At last it was getting late, and I suggested I should get going. He hastily vetoed that suggestion. And staying back for the night was the best thing that happened to me in my quest for love.
And then, that perfect moment, that first time, dawned on us. He had me in his bed. In his arms. Lips locked together. With the grey-slate lights on and R&B music oozing out the speakers, providing the perfect ambience for such a sweet, sweet moment.
He made love to me with a skill that took my breath away. He worked his way to my cakes and ate them, taking his time to savour the moment, eat my skittles and turn the cherry out. I could feel my insides part and my juices flow out; I whimpered. The sensation was so exquisitely pleasurable that it almost hurt. He worked his magic stick in all the right directions, spooning and straddling, thrusting and angling, having me pant for more. That night was a cosmic journey full of orgasmic interjections and rockets. It was not the kind of night you wanted to end just that one time.
It didn’t. We met often after that day, and had repeat performances of such torrid lovemaking. It wasn’t very long before he asked me to be in a relationship with him. My answer was an unhesitant and jubilant yes. Hell Yeah! We made good music, and I wanted it to last. I learned to cook, so I could satisfy him not just in bed, and I altered my partying habit to fit into the new shoes of becoming a committed lover, which was awkward at first for me, since I was the no-strings-attached kinda ‘guyrl’. Efe and I had it good and bad; there were explosions of emotion and the tender rush of bliss. I soon began not being able to imagine life without him.
Then came the intrusion of reality, when Efe’s mother began to complain about his unmarried status. As the only son, it was his duty to bring forth her grandchildren, she said. The woman was an indomitable force. Efe’s feeble excuses could not deter her in her mission to ensure the carriage of her lineage. If he Efe couldn’t find himself a wife, she declared, she would find one for him. And she did. She got him a girl and set about putting together the nuptials. My Efe was helpless to her unapologetic meddling. He simply could not defy his mother’s wishes. My heart burned and then bled as I saw the man I loved being wrenched away from me, one day at a time. All the bliss I knew started crumbling around me. But I had to understand. These weren’t my choices to make; it was Efe’s. And he seemed braced to welcome them. In a matter of months, he got married.
And I was alone like Leona Lewis in Happy, left to sink in my depression. Utopia was no more.
At first, I thought he would be done with what we had. I thought wrong; it didn’t end there for Efe and me. He reached out to me, and we reconnected again. The whole ten yards. We couldn’t go back to the way we were, but at least, I still got to have him in my arms. It mattered though that he wasn’t happy. He complained about his marriage, about his wife, about the choices he’d made. I want to soothe him from his pain, and hate him for abandoning me, and love him like his wife would never know how, and hate him some more for giving in to the pressure from his family. It became a ping-pong of emotions for me. A toxic relationship. But I couldn’t let go.
Two years down the line, and they have two kids. I’m still stuck in such a trapezium, playing the role of the other ‘woman.’ He won’t let me be. I don’t want him to. I loathe my addiction to him, but I can see no life without him. He has become my problem, and my solution.
Written by Neon
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17 Comments
Dennis Macauley
July 18, 06:18This is the problem with gay men dating in Nigeria. When you are getting older, there seems to be an expiry date on your relationship which will come in the form of marriage. Watching a man you love take vows at the altar to love and to cherish another can be heart breaking.
I think the best thing to do is to move on. Make peace with the fact that he is gone forever and move on. This Yo-Yo situation will keep robbing you of happiness
waitinForMyArabianPrince
July 18, 06:20the problem we face as gays……an arranged n forced marriage resulting from societal pressure. my friend I’ll advise u to try get on with ur life. I also left a prospective bf wen he brought up the issue of him getting married. ngwa, side chick me I no wan do. lailai
victor
July 18, 06:40This is too sad a story
blue fox
July 18, 07:13super sad
earl
July 18, 07:22This jst reminds me of the situation I’m going through at the moment.. I just couldn’t write about it… I had to end the relationship, and let him go, cz I felt bad for his wife.. She’s a good woman.. So we cried, we made love, and we parted ways.. This goes a long way to show that the society also influences our choices, irrespective of your sexual orientation….. I still love him…. Thank you, Neon
chestnut
July 18, 08:13Um…ok,maybe I’m a weirdo like that,but I don’t think I’d feel bad if a guy I was sleeping with,got married. I mean, what kind of future would I be expecting anyway? people really need to calm down; it’s not that fucking serious!
OAN: “Christina Aguilera”? “Kelly Rowland”? “Ke$ha”? “Leona Lewis”?…”Skittles”? Ok! Lol.
JustJames
July 18, 08:49Please note that the story is not about some quick shag or friends with benefits thing. When you’re genuinely in love there’s a possessiveness that comes with it and it’s a struggle to even think about “sharing” the one you love.
I don’t blame the guy for being sad but he should note that there’s only so much pain that comes naturally before you end up being the one bringing it on yourself. He’s married… If you choose to stay with him then learn to be strong so his marriage won’t bother you. If it bothers you too much please move on. It will hurt but you’ll thank yourself later for it.
Oh… and instead of listening to songs that portray the mood you’re presently in, you could listen to songs that portray the mood you want to be in. That’s what I do anyways…
chestnut
July 18, 09:05I didn’t meant to imply that d story was about an frantic one-night stand or casual fling. I know it was a “meaningful” relationship. What I’m simply trying to point out is that, b4 going into anything with a Nigerian man,expect d possibilty (or certainty) of marriage. It’s unfair but it’s just our reality. It’s just my opinion though; I’ve learnt to be able to balance between my heart and my head. I can be in a “union” that isn’t just casual with a guy,but I still know what d future can and cannot hold for us. So like I said, it’s not that serious.
pinkpanthertb
July 18, 11:01If we can accept that men can get so hung up on women, so crushed by a woman’s affection (or a lack of it thereof), and if we can accept that men can be attracted to men, then we can make an allowance that a man, no matter how unserious he knows a relationship with his fellow guy is going in, can have his heart owned by the other guy. Sometimes, you just never prepare yoursef (your heart never gives you the chance to) for circumstances like this.
So when a guy is undergoing a heartbreaking homosexual relationship, before you scoff at it, remember that a guy going thru the same in his heterosexual relationship is given a lot more empathy.
chestnut
July 18, 12:32Pinky,I get what u mean. Sometimes u can’t help when u fall in love or with who.but u gotta brace urself cos u already know d future. If u don’t apply d brakes just a little,u’re heading d right way for a crushed heart. Anyway,like I said b4,maybe I’m a weirdo like that ,but I’m sorry,I just can’t build my life and future and happiness around a guy; I just don’t think it’s that serious(speaking partly from experience.I’m not a heart-broken mess tho; just an open-minded realist,)
Chizzie
July 18, 10:16Two words : Let Go. why put urself in a situation where u constantly feel unhappy? I’ve found that each time I feel i can’t do without someone, with time I meet someone that sweeps me off my feet and I forget abt the said person I supposedly couldn’t live without. Life is too short for u to be unhappy over someone who wasn’t man enough to withstand pressure and stick to the one he loves.
You’ll find someone even better with time
PS go easy on the music referencing next time
Legalkoboko
July 18, 11:43How does one learn how to become ” man enough to withstand
pressure and stick to the one he
loves”? I think that is the question the Nigerian gay community is faced with now. We can’t just sit down and keep watching the rest of the society ruin our love lives by insisting on imposing loveless marriages on us.
chestnut
July 18, 12:19Hmm…what do u suggest tho? There IS an alternative, but can u cope with all that comes with said alternative? It’s a question u hav to ask urself b4 revolting against society. If u honestly feel u can cope,then great! U’d be happier for it in d long run sef! But everybody’s background isn’t d same; what seems like a heavy storm in one family might feel like a deadly tsunami, in another. What is at stake differs from person to person.
Lothario
July 18, 14:04Wow! Great piece, and I feel your pain. This happens a lot, especially when you choose to date a Nigerian man in the 28-32 age bracket…it’s a risk you have to take. I have been called all kinds of names by my parents (selfish and wicked being the more frequently used ones) just because there’s no prospective Mrs.
Chizzie, don’t judge too harshly, you’re obviously below 25 from the way you talk and act, wait till you get to the other side, then tell us your experience. But my dear, this pain you feel, I can’t tell you what to do. You won’t be the first boyfriend to stick with his married boo. It’s almost like a whole new commitment on its own….because like Olivia Pope and Millie, his wife would look to you for some kind of emotional balance in the marriage. She won’t even know she’s doing it, but one day, your phone will ring and voilà…
It all bores down to what you want. Everyone is always quick to knock down the side chick, but she has her uses, especially if she’s been there longer than the wife. So, sit down…think it through…. Decide what’s best for you. Fashi what people say, it really is about you.
sensuousensei
July 18, 19:34Great write-up. Sad story. But let us face the facts. The gay guy in a relationship with a married is a human being and has needs. So also is the wife. She is a human being and has needs. Anyhow u wanna look at it, fact is, they are married and legally, she owns him. Put yourself in her shoes also. Fine, he was forced into the marriage. But that in no way justifies cheating on the wife. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Its just like saying that if a man has a girl he likes but is forced to marry another girl he doesn’t like, then its okay to cheat on the one he married; like its all her fault. This is my humble opinion. But we live in a human world and things are not usually ideal. So I try to live by my own principles and I never judge others. Because he who wears the shoe knows exactly how it pinches.
@Neon: you simply cannot blame this guy for yielding to societal pressure. But I understand how u feel. When in love, people generally only think of their end of the deal and how things would work out in their favor. Even I am guilty of this. That’s why eros can be possessive and selfish. But if you really love him, put yourself in his shoes and be understanding. That’s what true love does.
lluvmua
July 18, 21:14Awwwwww so touching *sobs* wish I can have my own efe *sobs some more* . U guys shuld hlp a sister in need naw !!! @andre_hayford
Tímôñ
October 13, 19:29Tragedy in the prime of same sex bliss