I love weddings and I attend a lot of them, so much so that my friends often tease me about it, saying I should start charging people to attend their weddings. Now, the funny thing is that a few years ago, I did not like weddings and I rarely attended them, because attending such ceremonies back then, when I was still struggling with my sexual identity, was like throwing darts at myself, frequent reminders of the things I would never have. I even had fantasies of sticking out my leg when a bride walked down the aisle and having her tumble on the floor in an indignant mass of lace and tulle (lol).
However my perspective changed when I began to live on my own terms, and I started to enjoy weddings as parties that they are and subsequently started attending all the weddings I was invited to. It doesn’t hurt also that I love jollof rice (mogbomo branch, anyone) and wine, plus I totally enjoy flirting with bridesmaids, especially if I’m serving as a groom’s man. Many bridesmaids come to weddings looking to find a man, and I love when they consider me a potential boyfriend (or fiancé….lol). And I flirt shamelessly with them until after the wedding when I start to ignore them on BBM, and they get the picture and move on.
Speaking of marriage and weddings, I have realized – decided, more like – that I am not marriageable and this has nothing to do with my sexuality. I love my own company and space too much that if someone hangs around too much, I start to have anxiety attacks and become easily irritable. It later began to make sense when I was diagnosed of OCD last year. I remember when I was little, my mom always said I would have been an only child if I had come first, seeing as I was too much of a loner. Fortunately the people closest to me know this about me and they don’t take it personal, so it’s not even an issue for them. I generally take humans in small doses and feel pressured when you come on too strongly; even when friends visit, they know just the right amount of time to spend with me before I become irritable. Le Boo also knows this and has figured out a way to work around this without us fighting. I will probably be single forever, living in a Victorian style mansion full of books, antiques and eight dogs.
I hate when you hang with expatriates who come to Nigeria for work and they tell you how smart you sound and how different you are, as if it is un-Nigerian to be smart. It’s even more irritating when you realize they think they are actually paying you a compliment. To them, Nigerians are generally dumb, and when they meet a smart one, they are often genuinely surprised. I will come back to this story in another issue.
However I do think there are Nigerians who fit and perpetuate this “dumb” stereotype and have no interest in things happening around them. I am sorry if this comes off as high-horse-y, but I did meet one recently. I hung out with my friends one evening, and one of them invited someone who came with his course-mate (whom I shall call Ben). We all had a good time sharing lewd jokes with wine-fuelled laughter, and when it was time to leave, Ben (who did not do much talking) suddenly asked for my phone number. There was an awkward silence as everybody thought I was going to decline, but I did not. I went ahead and reeled out my digits to him, partly because I was tipsy and did not care, and partly because he had the best jaw line I have ever seen. A well defined and structured jaw line is my biggest turn on in a man’s body, which explains my huge crush on Denola Grey, and recently Max. This guy however had the best jaw line I had seen in a long time.
We later started talking on whatsapp and decided to hang out on a Saturday, a decision I later came to regret. The dude knew next to nothing about everything, and I kept struggling from topic to topic, trying to find something that he could relate easily to – politics, music, movies, sports, books, art… It was literarily crickets. The Bill Cosby brouhaha came on TV in the eatery that we met, and he did not even know Dr. Huxtable.
At that point, I gave up and starting texting on my phone. He said Chika Ike was his favorite actress, and I looked up from my phone with horror. As if that wasn’t bad enough for me, he invited me to a church crusade. That was when I got up and told him I was leaving, and I told the lie every man must have told at some point: “I will call you.”
The other day here, we were arguing about stereotypes that we create based on sexual roles and silly things such as grammar, and I laughed so hard because of one of my friends (who is reading this by the way and will kill me after). He came to my house one Saturday and asked a guy he had been chatting up (who lives in my area) over. The very good looking guy came over and I found him very smart and knowledgeable – I mean, any guy who has read all of Sue Grafton’s Kinsey Milhone’s novels is a man after my own heart. I kept chatting with this guy about the books he’d read, and my friend was mostly quiet; and when the guy was leaving, the goodbye was awkward. When the guy left, I told my friend it was rude to ignore his guest.
And do you know what he said? 🙂
“Dennis, that guy is not a top. Tops don’t talk too much, they are usually reserved. Any guy that runs his mouth too much from one topic to another like word processor is a bottom, he is nwanyi ibem. Leave me biko. I am not a lesbian.”
I shook my head, as clearly I’d overestimated my friend’s intelligence if he truly believed that. But then what can I say… Whatever floats your boat.
Enjoy the rest of the week, guys.
OAN, I spent some time in Lagos recently and I discovered this ice cream place in Ikeja called Cold Stone Creamery, which had sinfully pleasant ice cream that had me cuming (plenty pun intended) every night. On the final day of my trip, I was grateful that this place doesn’t exist in Port Harcourt, because by now I would have been fat, then bulimic, and then become an unhappy person who pours vitriol on people who don’t give a shit about me. *runs away with my Ebube Nwagbo legs*
XOXO
Dennis Macaulay
*GASP*
DENNIS! Thou Art EVIL!
LMAO!
And Dennis, just before you start thinking: What “rubbish” is this guy talking about? I just have to say,
I totally enjoyed the rantings.
Please make it daily as promised. That way, I can leave Mrs alone in peace.
Aswearigod. LOL!
*Some people
Chestnut? Two kegs of water at a go? You see why you might not make heaven lol
Peak, u said “Rubbish”…*lips sealed*
Enigmous, you need to see max’s jawline! God took time to create some people sha
Hian! I might not make heaven because I’m giving my good friend advice on how to sculpt his calves into “top-status”? Ok o. I was just tryna be helpful…oya don’t carry d two kegs (at a go) if u don’t want to.
***goes back to reading my beautiful, delicious poem; my ode to lesbianism; d poem that is giving certain individuals sleepless nights and daily heart-ache on dis blog*** (I already know I’m a mess; nobody should remind me,pls…hehehe)
I mean, Chika Ike!!!!????!!! You skipped from Genevieve Nnaji and Nse Ikpe Etim all the way to CHIKA IKE??!!! That guy needs to be flogged
*****ROTFL******
Chestnut you are a total mess! There is no redemption for you!
Hahahahahahahahahahaaa!!! Hell is fattening up for some peopls
Truce ke?? Forgerrit. No more in this world. Still silences run deep
With Ebube Nwagbo legs, no? 🙂
Azinnn ehnnn Chika Ike kwa?
Not even a MJ… with those few class acts she delivers? Nawa oo.
This kinda dumbness must be a bottom stereotype. No?
Lol. Chika Ike that acts like an african muppet! U’re jumping too far with Genevieve and Nse; it would have been better sef if dude had said “Ebube Nwagbo”…
Absie bae! *gasp*
***Dives out of the window to catch it for you***
Lmao. Damilare, stahpit! Don’t be exposing us bottoms like that nah.
@Wytem: *pointing at trystham* what he said!
Don’t even get me started about expatriates.. They smell like a toxic mix of garlic, onions and ginger.. Have bad hygiene too.
That smell, Max. Oh that smell. Plus, do most of them have to wear their tobacco stained breath like its a badge of honour?
He’s ignoring it, yimu-ing us with the jawline turned skyward.
Abeg oh.. No drag my leg outta d road this beauriful morning.
LMAO.
You are for real.
The kind of pigs we see at orgies, on their knees, with their mouths wide open and ice cream dripping off their jawline? 😛
Wait, “jockstrap line”? Where is it pls? I’ve read everything, and I can’t find it! Someone pls give me directions and guidance o! Where is the jockstrap line?!!!
#MyOwnPeaceOfMindIsAtStakeHere
@Absalom: “…ice-cream dripping form their JAWLINE”? No! Stop! I’m a very impressionable young man; pls don’t put any ideas into my…head(I was goin to say into my “jawline”, but I have to stop giving in to peer-pressure; u ppl teach me tooooo many bad things up in here!)
*yawns*
NEXT!!
Lol James! Why evils
*clutching at heart* James!
Lol. I was expecting you, Jarch. U was typing my comment and saying to myself: Jarch, the white man lover must have a retort to this. 🙂
Actually the white dudes i’m complaining about are – you’re right – Asians and some Europeans.
*sighs* I am really that predictable eh?
Not surprising, yesterday someone called me a roll of Choc-ice lol
Loool James you forgot to give a ‘K’ before screaming Next
Hahahahahahahahaaa!!! Oh lawd! Obatala
Colossus, I see what you did there!
Continu
What did I do oooo? You know you’re the king of shades, we still trying to shine some light up in here since morning when you set this room into Voldermort like darkness.
Max the way them de shade ur market 4 KD Stand these days, me no understand ooooo! Them de make you sound like the one guy u must ve before you die on Kd. If PP is not talking about how foin you are, DM de praise ur jaw line, khallie is screaming crush crush cos of how stunning you look, At this rate, I won’t be shocked if someone says you are a blue-eyed heart robber with features fit 4 a greek god.
U go carry me go show that Baba way u de use oooooo!
Heheheheee!!! Peak, seeing is believing
Jo tori Olorun, ur bulimia of the other day, who diagosed the disorder for you? Abi u went window shopping, saw the word, and tried it on till it fitted???
*stifling giggle*
*****ROTFL*****
Trystham! Tried it on till it fit? My belle ooooooo
Bet why????
Peak, butt chin kwa? Oh chim ooooo
Oh my Khaleesi! Mental and verbal chainsaw? May I never be in the witness stand while you are prosecuting!
Sugar chocolata!
Gracias!
**stifles giggle**
Dom abi na domot #continooo
Wee u keep kwaiet?
B a good child for once na.
*Mania*
Ehn, how Emma Pilsbury wanted to commit suicide abi? So predictable. You did not disappoint as usual.
I’m with James.
Thrystam you are a mean mean bitch for this….LMAO….gosh.
Stereotypes created based on grammar, okwa ya?
Throwing shades this early morning, are we?
Max? Jaw line? Max luv, I knew there’s a reason why I like you.
OAN: Please where’s A-non?
I think I miss his e-presence
That shade was epic…
but no more abeg, we are just about having a semblance of a truce here..
biko
I love weddings too especially been on groomsmen duty. Keep em coming, DM
Nna the whole expatriaites mess was a lil shocking at 1st. But when you ve been around them long enough, you will realise that there is nothing special about them either, other than the fact that they get paid well and enjoy special fringe benefits. They stay fronting like having a good convo with nigerians is like finding gold. Sometimes I just feel like screaming “u are surrounded by drivers, stewards,nannies etc ( who spend more time being yes men)l and when u meet ppl who don’t ve to lick ur butt crack to live, u act all surprised.
And Dennis all that shade this early mormor is completely unnecessary ! Its a complete RUBBISH move! By the way shouldn’t u be busy working out so u can ve a tonned leg fit 4 a top that u like to claim u are? And that leg still hasn’t seen a moisturiser! SMH like is said “rubbish move”
Lawd! Lights went out toward the end.
Hmm.
SHADE…..the prosical….Dennis thou art shady…..LMAO!!!!!
This is getting interesting! So many issues addressed, dunno which to start commenting on. That bit on tops got me SMHing! Personally, i don’t like loud guys except we are fucking and he decides to give a scream or two. But it is totally ridiculous to write off anybody that is extroverted as a bottom. So people just love to talk, it is your duty as a potential hookup partner to know when talk time is over and initiate play mode. Then and only then, you can know for a fact his role.
P.S: DM i am expecting more scandalous stories abeg. Like how a bottom called all his friends and wanted to rape you cos you dumped him. Stories along that line. Hehehehe.
Deeeeenniiiiiissss oooooo!!!! I saw EVERYTHING u did in dis entry…EVERYTHING! Chai! LMFAO. I don’t even know what to say to u!
…But wait o, someone’s best actress is Chika IKe? Really? *shudder*…and he doesn’t know Dr.Huxtable? Hmmm…
Erm…for these ur ‘E.N’legs, u should start squatting…always remember to carry heavy weights while doing it…if u don’t have barbells,u can always substitute with any other heavy object, like,say…two kegs of water at a go,perhaps? Let me know how it goes,ok? *mwah*
Hmmmmmm
I see the darkest shades all over this interesting piece… and it ends when DM stole the sun and left us in total darkness!
Chisos.
Lol. Ace I’m waaaay ahead of u! I have a toshiba flash-light with me…it’s turning out to be a smart investment, because all this darkness ehn…someone can just trip and fall into a ditch or something.
Dennis i saw that ooo. But nurturing an evil thought of making a bride fall…. Hmmm. Dia ris god oo. By d way DM how abt MM? I hvnt heard abt her for quite some times now
LMAO. My peace of mind just went out the window! ^_^
Dennis ehn, the jollof rice at SOMEparties is just…different. Its only the grace of God that don’t make me go all out hog on a plate sometimes
That said, I had to change a couple of my cyber statements cos I kept coming across foreigners who always thought Blacks in Africa were money grubbers or living in the dark days of loin clothe wearing. Irritating pieces shit
Why won’t whites think we are dumb when we tell them so ourselves? Whenever my friends from the west talks of how corrupt our governments are, I always tell them that it’s with their active connivance. One thing I have come to respect about your presence here is your consistency. You have always said it’s all about, you,you and you alone and you have not derail even from your vindictive schemings. That’s what I call being your own man. I love your rantings. Well done.
Good “Raaaaaaaantings” D(p)ennis!But pls don’t acquire as much dogs that can use u 4 lucnch one day#Just advising a distant acquaintance.
(Raised brow)
Oya Max, get in here and show us ur jawline o! Legend has it dat that jawline can sink ships and crash planes. Show us o!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm dis post gat me ROTFL *falls of cassava tree* shady post ……. Dennis and chestnut, u see why both of u might not make heaven *goes back to filing my manicured nails*
And about your jockstrap line…? Or you didn’t see that part of the piece.
@PP to think you’d let @DM invoke this much darkeness upon us in this wee hours is simply unimaginable, talk about various colors of shades, the article itself and the comments alike, in fact it’s so dark in here right now that I can’t think (because I can’t see) of any lightening source capable of illuminating and eradicating this much darkness! ‘Let there be light’ don’t apply here, and here I was thinking that 2015 is the year of the sun on this blog.
We dont mind a little dirt every now and then
No Max; Dennis is the biggest mess! Did u not read d end of today’s entry? I swear, I don’t know what we’re going to do with this Dennis anymore *sigh*
I love my own company and space too much that if someone hangs around too much, I start to have anxiety attacks and become easily irritable.
This is so me. Nice read DM, but please bro, always leave a few light rays behind, it got so dark I had to close my eyes.
I have alot of things to say about this but I’d narrow down on the bit of you being OCD. so apparently you were diagnosed with OCD right? was this a self diagnosis or one from a reputable Nigerian hospital? I’ll suspect the former cus most hospitals in Nigeria and parts of the world aren’t convinced abt its existence. Now you do know OCD is a mental illness right? And ppl that have it are more likely to commit suicide? so it’s safe to assume that you are mentally ill? which doesn’t come as a surprise to me given your rampant imagination that flourishes w each passing day.
Now, about OCD? What does it have to do with being single? and not wanting to get married? Pls endeavour to Wikipedia some of the stuff u make up so it seems more convincing.
and just when I was glad that Harmattan was finally over, ur legs brought back memories of its unforgiving dryness…, and suddenly I’m reminded that i might have to purchase some dried fish on the way home today, so big shout of to those legs of urs.
UP NEPA!!!
Dennis you’re hell bound for that shade… Thought everyone had made a truce pact or something.
Max and Pinky: tobacco stained breath? onions ginger and garlic body odour? I wonder if its white expats you’re referring to or the asians. Cos the white ones I’ve met don’t smoke nor smell like garlic. The only vice they have are that they can drink for Africa
I want to learn how to write: like DennisMacauley. Will he teach me? I will surely write in one day.
Nice read.
But bia, Dennis, all this jumping from one point to the other.
Are you having flight of ideas?
It’s a psychological issue, you know?
LOL.
Well, I guess that’s why it was titled “Rantings . . .”
Biko, I didn’t say anything oo.
le ex took me to cold stone once. I had a cappuccino under the hot Lagos sun. it was kinda funny cos I had always watched peeps order for cappuccino in dem oyibo films. being a jjc I ordered it. I still remember the look on his face when he asked me thrice if I was sure I wanted cappuccino. and the harlot of a waitress really brought me the steaming cup. ugly witch. mtcheeew. we still talk and laff about it even though we not together anymore. danm u Dennis. why did u have to remind me of cold Stone. now I’m a crying blubbering mess.
Nice rantings with some serious shade throwing. Nothing controversial thus far but it gives its a peek into the man that is Dennis, Ebube legs and all.
Nice Piece, Dennis… Thank goodness I had my flourescent lamp on before I read this story..so the shade is goina miss me this time… Apparently everyone has this thing goin on for them… Which happens to me too..but OCD.? Nah..
Yh, about those Ebube Nwagbo’s legs, pls can we switch legs…?? Myn are so muscled up, everyone is afraid of getting a kick from me… (۳º̩̩́_º̩̩̀)۳ .. LOL..
hmmm … Dennis, I dont get your weird love for weddings … never really liked them (i dont think its a thing to do with sexuality) and i generally dont attend except its a close friend or relative’s wedding … You’re so evil for dashing the poor bridesmaids hopes like that … haba!
When i first meet expatriates, i watch carefully for any signs of racism or biased condescension. If i detect a hint of that; i whip out my verbal and mental chainsaw and slash them down to size. Truth is; a large number of them are no smarter than the average Nigerian on the street, they just happen to have their skin colour and the enormous clout of the multinationals they frequently work for in their favour. They are sorrounded by a retinue of servants and subservient subordinates and frequently do not mix with many other Nigerians, hence their jaundiced view of Nigerians. I looooovvvveeee Nothing better than to mentally and verbally rip such expats to shreds, show them that they aren’t even half as smart as they think they are. The Asian expats seem to be particularly guilty of this ….
Anyone who in this day and age is dumb is largely to blame; in this information age, we all have the vast library of the internet at our disposal only a few clicks away. You owe yourself a duty to read and research and learn unceasingly ….
Ppl show love in different ways. I mean I ve heard that phase all my life but never really wrapped my head around what it truly meant until…………Today.
I mean look at chestnut, Home boy got a whole body of poem dedicated to him.
Dennis in his usual fashion (nigga hates being predictable) took out a few paragraaphs to write an Ode of Shade (I’d like to call……….. Fest of Shades) for someone close to his heart. if that is not an innovative way of showing love, please feel free to educate me.
Max am still puzzled about this Jawline matter ooooo. Abeg is it a butt chin or square chin? #Asking4MyMentalState
Suck it up man and get over the ebube-nwagbo yab. Or maybe not, because right now that’s the only thing we’re sure of about you; that and the striped socks and a room that boasts of tiles, at least. #TheRestArePhantoms.
Plus, you’ve not dropped comments as Mrs. Macaulay in a while. #JustWondering
First of all i didnt realise it was a wednesday until i saw this. Laff af wanting to tear my belle when i got to ” He said Chika Ike was his favorite actress,” we are talking Bill Cosby and Dr. Huxtable, bobo is talking Chika Ike. Then “and I looked up from my phone with horror.” I would totally do that.
I typed stuff for this student today and the guy wanted to proof read and after reading the first page called me and asked me how he was going to scroll down. (in Port Harcourt, in 21st century Nigeria). In my mind, i was thinking, this guy must be a native of Ayetoro #SuliaKanAyetoroKan. Dennis imagine that was the guy you met. In the guy’s defense of not knowing Dr Huxtable, let’s just say he is 18 (i know you like ’em twinks) and was not watching Bill Cosby Show when you were. But it should have just ended there, no excuse for Chika Ike.
Ps: I love Sue Grafton, went to Yaba one day and saw them books and bought 8 of them 100naira each. I so did not regret it. #RisforRicochet.
In Other Rantings
I saw this one some guy’s profile on Manjam #Iwasnotlookingforabf. “Pls don’t even view my profile if u have any effeminate character in u cos u Suck.” Would anyone like to have his bbm pin?
Sha i think he meant to write Suck d**k.