Let’s Discuss…About The Boyfriend’s Prerogative To Know Everything
The question about relationships is often: how much do you want to be aware of what is going on with your boyfriend? How much proximity is your trust in him willing to let you have with him? are you the kind of boyfriend who must know everything about him, by having access to his social media inboxes and Direct Messages, setting up like a sentinel on his Direct Messages to sniff out any possible foul play? Do you belong to the school of thought that what you know won’t hurt you? Or are you of the belief that in a relationship, lovers shouldn’t relinquish their entire mystery to their bae?
I recently had a chatversation with a friend of mine who recently started dating someone, and below is our exchange:
So let’s discuss about relationships, and the prerogative of the boyfriend knowing everything.
About author
You might also like
Four Applicants Awarded Funds for Quarter 2, 2016
The Initiative for Equal Rights (TIERs) is pleased to announce that the LGBT Community Fund has awarded a total of NGN600,000 in funding to four recipients this quarter. The Application
It’s Beyoncé’s Birthday Today!
And we just want to say a Happy birthday to the Queen of Kings and the Lady of Lords, the Twin Mother and the Girl Who Runs the World. Below
THE OPEN LOVE LETTERS: Entry 4
Dear You Every time I think about 2015 and I remember how my heart stayed shattered for all of that year, I find myself wondering for the umpteenth time how
63 Comments
simba
February 13, 08:07I thought relationship meant giving ur entire being to the other person,never keeping a secret or having a secret life. I use to rummage through ex phone and shits. Because I gave up my own secret. It caused me terrible heartaches and trips to a psychologist and a breakup. So I ‘ve learnt, to keep to myself,keep my secrets, have side chicks, and never bother with what bae is doing. What u don’t know can’t hurt u innit?? But it’s not right,relationship should be selfless, and disciplined
Pink Panther
February 13, 08:08‘So I ‘ve learnt, to keep to myself,keep my secrets, have side chicks, and never bother with what bae is doing.’
And you still think that’s a relationship? Hunnay, tell yourself the truth. 🙂
simba
February 13, 08:22Did u finish reading it?.. it’s obvious
Francis
February 13, 08:22Like PP said that one no be relationship again. Na friends with plenty benefits level you dey. Lol
After going through the whole breakup thing, I’d rather have it no other way. Just as I’m open with “friends”, I’m open in my relationships. Shit happens, you just enter it, come out, clean ya sef and continue.
I can’t goan be worsening my paranoia so that Sensei will have customer in the future
Pink Panther
February 13, 08:37Hahahahahaha! Francis, come on. Even Sensei needs his ministry to move forward.
Francis
February 13, 08:48His ministry don dey move already na ??
Francis
February 13, 08:28Well I don’t have a problem with the thirst as long as we haven’t decided to tell people we are seeing someone. Sane people go after who they think is available.
Then you have the oniranus that feel all gay relationships na catching fun things so everyone is game, boo or no boo.
Max 2.1
February 13, 08:47This is simple really, don’t date a hoe and you won’t have to spend precious time wondering what he’s doing when you’re not looking. Secrets destroy relationships too(from the inside). You have to trust that even if the hoes come for him thru DM, he’ ll be kind enough to turn them down while letting them know he’s seeing someone and not nurturing the flirts and advances.
Your bf ain’t obliged to tell you everything too, allow them to be comfortable enough to tell you stuff.
But then again most Nigerian gays are lazy AF and aren’t ready to put in work in relationships. Relationships takes alot of hard work to work and it doesn’t come with a manual.
Pink Panther
February 13, 09:13Don’t date a hoe.
Lol. Max sef.
Yea sure. It’s really that simple.
ambivalentone
February 13, 10:19Azzin ehn sometimes, I just wanna slap some teensy reality into his head
Max 2.1
February 13, 10:38Lol.. Only a fool would be oblivious to his boyfriend’s true character. Whoever is dating a faithful man will know and if you’re dating someone with hoe tendencies, you’ll know too. Most times alot of people just jump into relationships knowing how shitty who they’re dating are, they just roll with it and end up getting hurt not long after.
If you find yourself “too burdened” about a relationship, then you know you’re not in the right one. If you find yourself sneaking into his DM when he’s not looking or constantly find your mind straying and wondering about what he’s doing, then its time to re-evaluate that relationship. A Real relationship should make you have peace of mind and not turmoil & misery 24/7 with little bread crumbs of happiness.
Vhar.
February 13, 11:05“Whoever is dating a faithful man will know…”
Haaaaaaa… Max, becaref yaseff there and fast. When they play you faster than David de Gea’s passes, your eye wee clear.
Max 2.1
February 13, 11:19Lol, forget what people normally tell you about being deceived. There are always red flags but people choose to ignore it.
Law
February 13, 11:22My thoughts exacly Vhar. Sometimes u think uve met d best guy ever… And den u take a trip down inbox unsuspectingly and ur world crumbles… Av learnt better with past relationships, sometimes U just learn to live with d pain knowing ur still his number one
Pink Panther
February 13, 11:28You do realize that some people’s craziness and paranoia is sometimes not an offset of their partner’s character but from their own personal baggage. This sermon you’re preaching is not sound at all. You can’t say the blame of a shaky relationship is solely at the feet of the beau who’s under suspicion simply becos he’s had a hoe-ly past, and not on the one suspecting him for having trust issues. I hope you know people can change.
Max 2.1
February 13, 12:56@Pinky, let’s take this home; have you ever had any doubt about the love of your life?
That feeling of “assurance” you have with him, have you ever experienced that with anyone else?(the ones that broke your heart in the past)
Pink Panther
February 13, 13:13What do you know about my past relationships and how they ended? Be careful the presumptions you throw around here
Max 2.1
February 13, 14:06Sheathe your claws… All I’m saying is that you’ll always know a man with straying eyes if you’re dating one.
KingBey
February 15, 16:07Aren’t you just perfect? Little wonder you’re still single. Lol. Perfect is boring darling, and NO, no one’s perfect ! So get over yourself already.
Magdiva
February 13, 14:41Apart from the hoe comment I completely agree. Every individual in a relationship or not should be allowed a certain degree of privacy.
If you feel the need to snoop, check, stalk, etc then it says more about you than it does the person you suspect. Operative word being suspect. And if you do catch ur significant other straying, or having strayed and you are still there, checking and being all up in their inbox will not change anything.
At the end of the day it’s all about respect. If your significant other respects you and what you share, a million messages, naked pictures, texts, or even bodies thrown at him will be met with rejection. It’s that simple.
My motor however simple and naive is – I trust you till give me a reason not to. And once that trust is gone, there’s no relationship. Ain’t no one got time to doing Sherlock Holmes work when I’m not getting paid. #2penceWithChange
Pink Panther
February 13, 15:18‘I trust you till give me a reason not to. And once that trust is gone, there’s no relationship.’
It’s simple and naive, yes. And on point.
Magdiva
February 13, 15:28**motto** not motor. Lol. Bloody auto correct
shuga chocolata
February 13, 08:49if I’m much open to my friends, even though I haven’t shared my pass codes with them.
I was once in a relationship where he knew every little details about me. After the breakup, dude pulled a fast one on me. I know better now.
Francis
February 13, 09:02Pass code ke? Mbanu! Even the person wey born me can NEVER have it unless I’m sure I’m packing up soonest.
I don’t ever see myself being open with someone to this extent. I no dey carry money play abeg. That shit is EVERYTHING!
Mr. Fingers
February 13, 09:01It’s not good to feel choked up in a relationship. U can know some things but definitely not all at the same time. That am not willing to share a secret now doesn’t mean I won’t tomorrow. U just ve to be patient and not expect too much so soon.
Max 2.1
February 13, 10:40??
Absalom
February 13, 09:15There’s a (thin) line between Privacy and Secrecy.
Emails, DMs, diaries, letters, text messages, passwords, etc – these things are private. And should NOT be accessed behind the owner’s back.
You need your boyfriend’s permission to read his messages. It’s basic (and constitutional) respect for his privacy.
He should be free to let you access all these things but don’t hound him like he OWES you any of them. This is a man you’re dating, not a suspect you’re interrogating. If you cannot but suspect your boyfriend all the time of things – so much so that you need to sniff his underwear and FB for clues while he sleeps – that means you do not TRUST him. And if you don’t trust him, please why are you with him? Break up, so the world can be at peace.
* * *
Secrecy: If he seems alarmed/uncomfortable when you are with his devices (hopefully that’s not because he CAUGHT you rifling through his things or dutifully studying his pings WITHOUT permission) then MAYBE he has something to hide. Still, it’ll take a period of observation to reach this conclusion, not just from one incident.
Pink Panther
February 13, 09:25Whenever this guy speaks, I get tiny little braingasms!
Mr. Fingers
February 13, 09:30PP rest one place. U too like man. Haba. Smh.
Max 2.1
February 13, 10:42Preach Absie!!!! Preach!!!!!!
Pink Panther
February 13, 11:29But his sermon is miles different from yours.
Shuga chocolata
February 13, 12:36Be looking for tiny, tweeny, little troubles of max ooooo. When Maxie comes for you, don’t say I didn’t WARM you enough.???
Max 2.1
February 13, 12:50Not really, I just took it from another angle
sensei
February 13, 09:36A relationship cannot be better than the people who constitute it. Most people take their baggage from old relationships, and their insecurities into the new relationship. Well, it’s a human thing but it doesn’t free us from responsibility. I wonder how on earth we have come to believe that the exclusiveness of our partner in the relationship is OUR job. In other words, you assume your partner is incapable of restraining himself and that since you are dating him, it is your duty to chase the flies that gather. Strangely, we never learn from experience. Since when did turning into a monitoring spirit prevent cheating? If a man wants to cheat, he will. If you like live inside his devices and spend your entire life monitoring him. And won’t that really be exhausting? And if your man would have cheated and somehow hasn’t just because you are monitoring him, can we say that such a man (who wants to cheat but has been prevented) is faithful? Because you who are monitoring him are the true cause of his “faithfulness”. And not every secret conversation has to be about sex or something sexual. Just because you are in a relationship, all secrets your friends, family tell you must automatically be known by your partner?
Francis
February 13, 09:39???
ambivalentone
February 13, 10:21Pinky, pls just delete my original comment. This explains it pretty much
Max 2.1
February 13, 11:09Loving your sermon this morning @Sensei
Magdiva
February 13, 14:59#word
#truth
#gospel
ambivalentone
February 13, 10:09Accessing ur social media inboxes??? I wonder if he has access to his dreams too cos I sure as hell know u prolly don’t feature in them. You might as well just tie him to ur G-strings. Wrappers will be too lengthy. IMO, he will still cheat if he wants to and u will still have a crazy headache from all that thinking
shuga chocolata
February 13, 10:53í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®í ½í¸®
sensei
February 13, 11:10Hahahaha! Well said!
Santa Diaba
February 13, 10:39It’s pretty simple. If you trust your partner, you wouldn’t need to know everything.
Now the key issue is finding a partner you can trust.
If you can’t trust someone you love in their own space, you probably shouldn’t be dating them.
Tony Odekunle-Brown
February 13, 11:27Trust is key. If you can’t trust your partner then why are you in a relationship with him. I think it’s unacceptable to go through your partners phone without their consent. If you have doubts then have a conversation.
Jamie
February 13, 15:21You’re sure everyone would tell the truth?
KingBey
February 13, 11:44I used to feel safeguarding my DMs and personal chats was a big deal until I found someone I really loved and trusts. When you’re with the right person and your soul-mate, trust me, him having access to anything won’t be an issue at all. I’m not saying I have suddenly turned from being a hoe to a saint, I’m just saying with the right person, you sit up and strive to do the right things. Nothing good comes easy so it actually takes hard work, self control and discipline to keep a relationship. My current BF has access to my social media and he didn’t even ask for it. Just want to be totally honest. It’s less strenuous when it’s built on trust and honesty.
Max 2.1
February 13, 12:52Ummm, when did you start dating?
Max 2.1
February 13, 12:52When did you start dating a guy?
KingBey
February 13, 13:02This afternoon. ?
Pink Panther
February 13, 13:41Touché. Lmao
Wayfaring Stranger
February 13, 20:52Are you dating yourself?
Vhar.
February 13, 11:44And I’m not spying! I’m evaluating!
Evaluating what, bikonu?
It’s the same difference!
We’ll choose knowledge no matter what, we’ll maim ourselves in the process, we’ll stick our hands into the flames for it if necessary. Curiosity is not our only motive; love or grief or despair or distrust is what drives us on.
When it comes to privacy and accountability, we always demand the former for ourselves and the latter for everyone else.
I remember that time I went through his phone “sent messages”, when my eyes saw what they were looking for, my body became calm. And then I said to myself, “what next?”
The way things are supposed to work is that we’re supposed to know “almost everything” that’s going on: it’s what being “Exclusive” entails. But if everything doesn’t come to light, learn to trust. Let benefit of the doubt come in to play.
You can’t come and kill yourself because you want to know who this is or what that message means. Your body will now be hot like hot yam in an Efik man’s mouth. You’ll just die of worry and paranoia.
On to wetin na?!
Shuga chocolata
February 13, 12:39How does hot yam in an Efik man’s mouth taste like.
bruno
February 13, 12:29if you cannot trust the person you are dating and cannot respect personal space, you are probably the problem here not him…
shame we didn’t hear to hear what the bf thinks of this though. maybe he doesn’t mind. some people find psycho jealousy romantic.
Di-Navy
February 13, 13:00Damn guys!!!! This is not matter of dating a hoe. Ask this to urself, why do most of our parents have. Joint bank accounts for donkey years????? Why didn’t they go up to the extent of not keeping it private.
What’s a relationship??? When I fell flat for my beau was when he gave me his social media PW, I was wowed! Not cos he’s a saint or i’m better, but to also seal that bond. Even a saint fall off the ladder once in a while, he did that so he’ll know someone’s checking. Up on him. I even see some messages and get super jealous, but he laughs over it and tell me to calm down, I even see some messages where he gushes over me! And I blush! Why will u keep a secret over smth like that. The only thing i’ll keep from my beau is some juicy gist BTW I and my girls…. honey when u find love, that’ll be the least of ur non worries, he refused collecting mine cos he’s super jealous! But I wanted to give him…. Everybody was once a hoe till he finds that person who means the world to him. The only tangible reason why lovers shouldn’t give out their PW should be just for “jealousy” if not, I don’t mind him tracking my calls. You can’t have a side chic when u claim u in love. I’ll even worship my boo more when he tells me he cheated before I even find out.
Max 2.1
February 13, 14:10Some people find it flattering to have someone monitor them 24/7. Some people like when people get jealous over them. While some people don’t like these things (it doesn’t always mean they’re hiding something, its just who they are).
grass
February 13, 13:10i used to b all privacy matters,can’t access my s.media messsges etc until two special people came into my life, didn’t even date any of them but they had access to my phone, even replied messages for me… my point is,when the right person comes,non of these will matter, its all about true love n trust..
KingBey
February 13, 13:18Exactly !
Tobby
February 13, 13:20Rather tedious, no?
Jamie
February 13, 15:16It depends on the people in the relationship, and their agreement before the contract. Sometimes you keep sniffing that smell till you can’t stand it no more; and sometimes you’re wondering if you are the only one at all… Each needs proof for you to be at rest, and if your lover and you actually agreed to be together (as in…just you two), then you must care about him cheating. Do what it takes to find out; it’s gonna save you the shame of wasting your time with a ****(what word you choose to use; I use loser mostly…). You’d be on advantage by first shutting him out, I’m sure.
Khaleesi
February 13, 15:19When you meet the one you truly love (for however long it lasts), you’ll know, everyone else will pale in comparison. You’ll ask yourself, “who should i risk the destruction of this good thing that i have over a trivial hookup”? you’ll naturally open yourself (physically, emotionally and electronically – social media passwords et al) to him, and it wont feel awkward or invasive. the truth is also that, no matter how much you police a man, if he’s gonna cheat, he’s gonna cheat on you, he’ll find a way to do it!
Max 2.1
February 13, 15:24“When you meet the one you truly love (for however long it lasts), you’ll know, everyone else will pale in comparison. You’ll ask yourself, “who should i risk the destruction of this good thing that i have over a trivial hookup”? you’ll naturally open yourself (physically, emotionally and electronically – social media passwords et al) to him, and it wont feel awkward or invasive. ”
Preach sister Khalee, preach ???
KingBey
February 13, 18:03A thousand kisses for this comment. When true love hits you, every other things becomes secondary….social media password and access to gadgets inclusive.
R.A
February 13, 16:51Truth is someone else cannot snatch a bae that doesn’t want to be snatched! When you’re with a ho that wants to be snatched that’s when u go around sniffing and giving urself unnecessary hbp. Instead of killing yourself fighting off hoes, just end the relationship cos you’re obviously not in the right one with the right one.
Bae has access to my phone, email, IM and vice versa. Infact he helps me respond to messages wen I’m too lazy for it. At a point he was the one submitting applications on my behalf. All this will be seen as nothing when you’re with the right person.