A DAY WITH THE GUYS

My older brother, Jimmy, is into cryptocurrency and all that online trading stuff, so it’s fair to say that he has become quite rich. And because of this, it started becoming usual for his friends to always want to hang out with him. Jimmy and I used to be inseparable when we were younger, and then, he started growing and making friends, and these friends started influencing him so much so that at seventeen, he had become something of a nightmare to me. He started pointing out and criticizing every feminine thing I did. He also wouldn’t want to take me out with him whenever his friends were along for the ride; it was almost as though he had become embarrassed by me. This hurt at first, but as time went on, I learned to adjust to the reality of our relationship. However, I disliked all his friends and did my best to avoid them.

So came the day I needed to get some shampoo for my dogs and perfume for myself from the supermarket. That day, I learned that Jimmy had an outing planned with his friends, and I needed a ride to the supermarket. I knew if I asked him, he would say no. So, I watched and waited until I saw he was outside on his way to get into the car, and I jumped in after him. Unsurprisingly, he was immediately mad at this and began ranting about how the supermarket was out of his way. But I refused to budge, plugging my earphones into my ears to shut out his noise.

Short of physically lifting me out of the car, there was nothing he could do. So, he grudgingly got behind the wheel and drove out. I smiled inwardly at myself as I acknowledged the win.

He picked up two of his friends, both of them tall, one dark-skinned and the other fair-complexioned. They were also both good looking, but the light-skinned one (who I’ll call Roy) caught my attention because of the slight effeminacy I saw in the way he moved his hands when he spoke. He sat in the back of the car with me, while the dark one (who I’ll call Eric) sat in the front beside my brother.

When Roy climbed into the seat next to me, he said hello to me. Jimmy’s friends are usually as much douchebags as he is – which was why I was surprised by Roy’s niceness toward me. He even smiled as he greeted me. In response, I said hello back, with a smile that was a little flirtatious. (Please, don’t judge. Did I mention he’s fine?)

Eric tossed me a nonchalant “Guy, how far?” at me from the front, and I didn’t even deign that with a response. I simply nodded at him. He was one of those I didn’t like.

As Jimmy drove with the recklessness of teenage youth, he said someone should play music. Neither Eric nor Roy made any move to do so, so I decided to do as he’d asked. I connected my phone to the speaker, swiped this way and that on my playlist, and soon, the lyrical styling of Sam Smith’s Stay With Me was filling the car.

“Change this one abeg,” Eric snapped. “No be burial we dey so.”

I ignored him and Sam Smith continued crooning.

When he finished, Todrick Hall followed after. As Todrick demanded for our attention in his song, Attention, Eric asked for his name and “the name of the guy who sang that burial song”.

I told him and he began tapping away on Google.

Next thing, he burst out with, “All these boys na homo na! Why you dey play their songs?”

“How did you know that they are homo? Was that the first thing that you saw when you searched for them on Google?”

My mouth dropped open with shock as I turned to stare at Roy, who had just made that retort. So, he wasn’t just nice; he checks bullshit too?

I was in love!

“That one concern you,” Eric muttered.

I wasn’t about to not say anything. So, I rejoined, “So, because they are gay, does it stop them from being able to make good music?

“Abeg, put Burna Boy song make person chill,” he snapped back.

“I’m sorry I don’t do Burna Boy,” I retorted.

“Hian! So na homo you come dey do? Nawa o!”

“Don’t mind him, he’s just being silly,” Roy interjected, directing a kind gaze at me.

I decided to do exactly as he’d said: not mind Eric. Instead, I focused my attention on Roy as we chatted. Soon, we’d exchanged social media handles and he was going through my Instagram page.

“You do ballet and modeling?” he asked as he swiped through the pictures on my page.

“Yes,” I said.

And just then, the chinchi from the front cut in. “I for dey do modeling too o, except homo too dey there.”

I stopped short and stared at him, unable to understand why a person who seemed so averse to homosexuals couldn’t get two sentences out without mentioning homosexuals.

“Are you insecure about your sexuality?” Roy queried him.

“Bia, Roy, I no dey follow you talk?” he snapped at his friend. “You sef, wetin you sabi?” And then turning to me, he asked, “Do you think I should go into modeling?”

Why are you asking me? I thought.

Feeling catty, I said instead, “No, you’re not handsome enough.”

To his credit, he joined Roy in bursting out into laughter at my response, with Roy patting my shoulder, saying, “Guy, you’re savage o.”

Even my brother chuckled, although I caught his warning stare on the rearview mirror silently telling me to respect myself.

The rest of the drive was quiet as I played my music without interruption. My brother and his friends decide to stop at a boutique, probably to get some designer clothing that they’d wear for the ‘gram. I didn’t want to go in with them, so they left me in the car.

As I waited, I heard a buzzing sound coming from the front seat. I looked over and saw that it was a tablet. It was exactly like mine, so much like mine that I actually thought it was mine. I found myself being surprised as to what my tablet was doing in the car. And without thinking, I picked it up and looked at the screen.

What I saw was a notification showing the renewal of a subscription to a gay porn channel.

That was when I realized that the tablet wasn’t mine. It certainly wasn’t my brother’s. It had been in the front seat, so it could only be Eric’s.

Eric, the homo-hater, was subscribing to gay porn channels???!!!

Wawu!

The next thing I did was purely instinctive. I swiped the notification away to prevent Eric from possibly getting into trouble by anyone else seeing the notification. It didn’t matter that the guy had been a douchebag and I didn’t like him; in that moment, the instinct was to protect someone who was possibly in my community from getting found out.

Minutes later, the three of them emerged from the boutique and we were soon on our way to the supermarket. Roy and I became so engrossed in our chat, that at some point, Jimmy joked that he should “kuku come and pay my bride price”. Roy laughed at that, while I gave him a “Yes, I’ll marry you” smile.

Eric joined him in teasing Roy, often throwing some homophobic jabs that made me begin to feel regretful over ever thinking this one needed protection from being outed.

What a jackass.

When we got to the supermarket, I was picking up the dog items I came to buy, when Eric came over to me and made yet another douchebag comment. I waited until he was walking away, then I snarked, “By the way, your gay porn subscription has been renewed. I just thought you should know.”

He froze and turned to stare at me.

I gave him back an innocent smile, before turning away to pick up an anti-tick spray.

Then he muttered something vicious and stalked away.

By the time I was done picking what I wanted, Roy had come to my side. He walked with me to the counter. My mother had given me four thousand naira for the shopping, and I’d picked up stuff worth about N3,900. At the counter, I made to pick out a Pure Bliss Wafer from where they were arranged on the countertop. But then I put it back when the shop attendant said it was N150. I wouldn’t be able to pay for it.

Roy noticed my crestfallen countenance and asked what the problem was. I told him and he proceeded to buy me a whole pack of Pure Bliss biscuits. Then we walked out of the supermarket with his hand on my shoulder and his other hand carrying my purchases.

What a gentleman.

Then it was time to go home. Jimmy dropped Eric off first. He went with Eric into his house to pick up something, and in that time I was in the car alone with Roy, he handed me a shoe box.

“This is for you,” he said, beaming a smile at me.

“Oh wow…” I gasped.

I opened it to see a pair of Louis Vuitton loafers. He must have gotten them at the boutique. I felt so warmed by this.

“Thank you.”

“May I have your number?”

“Sure.”

He was so sweet, I just knew he was going to be the one to impregnate me soon.

Then, Jimmy came back to the car and took him away from me.

“I’m not going to be you people’s driver,” he said as he asked Roy to come sit in the front with him.

Soon, we Roy off and we exchanged a lingering wave goodbye.

As Jimmy drove off, he said tersely to me, “When I tell you to do like a man, you will not hear. Now see what you’ve caused.”

What on earth have I caused? I wanted to snap back at him.

But I wasn’t in the mood to let him get to me. I instead lounged back on my seat, plugged in my earphones and escaped into my mind where I wondered just how gay, closeted and internally homophobic Eric was, and if Roy was really gay or just being nice to me.

Then I chuckled to myself as I thought of a world where they were both gay and friends with my unsuspecting asshole of a brother.

Written by Mitch’s Biggest Fan