A GAY MAN IS A MAN

So I was out with these guys. One of them was something I call a non-homophobic non ally. That is, he is not hateful towards the LGBT but is mostly ignorant and indifferent. The kind of person that say things like, “How do you people even do it?” and will likely not say anything in defence of the LGBT when in the midst of fellow heterosexuals engaging in casual homophobia.

I’ll call him A.

The other one is gay. He’s B.

So we were taking a walk and the road was mostly empty. Mr. A was telling Mr. B about this girl he’d been toasting who kept saying no, even though she secretly likes him. Girls and their shakara sef.

So naturally I said, “Maybe she doesn’t like you na.”

And they turned on me. Abeg feminist, I know you must talk, bla, bla, bla. So I left them to their conversation. The following thing they said is what inspired this post.

Mr. A then said to Mr. B, “You gay guys are lucky sef. No drama.”

And Mr. B replied, “Ana ako! Guys can play hard to get to death eh.” At this, he looked at me and whispered something to Mr. A. They both looked at me and laughed.

I know how chemically abrasive my words can get, so I decided it was best to ignore them. After all, they were just boys being boys (read stupid), talking smack about their love interests.

Then Mr. A asked Mr. B, “Are you a man gay or a woman gay?”

And just like that, I changed my mind about getting involved, because an alarm was blaring in my head. I was still figuring out how to go about an explanation of how drenched in misogyny that question was when Mr. B answered, “Man gay na. Trust me.”

And the pride with which he said it stopped me on the tarmac. You see this 2018, I am not going to tolerate stupid people.

“Ehen, you don provoke Kayode. You’re going to get a lecture,” Mr. A said with a laugh.

“What did I do now?” Mr. B said, chuckling.

“For your mind na, you have sense, abi?” I snapped, thoroughly triggered.

I started talking about how sexual positions don’t determine who a man is. I can’t remember how exactly I said it in the passion of the moment but it went along the lines of this:

“This idea that conforming to heteronormative gender roles makes being gay more tolerable and more understandable to the straight mind is an insufferable cancer in the very fabric of LGBT consciousness. And don’t even get me started on that stupid phrase, ‘woman gay’. What the fuck is a ‘woman gay’? Like no, help me wrap my head around this silly notion of gender reassignment based simply on sexual positions.

“Oh, so let me get this straight, you think it is okay to demean men with words like ‘woman gay’ so you can make yourself more acceptable to heterosexual people? How do you define a woman? By getting fucked? You think it’s somehow better because at least you’re the one topping?

“So now we’re on a spectrum of being gay, and it’s on a scale of heteronormative gay top all the way down to bottom, and the higher you are, the better? What you’re basically saying is sex with you makes people less male, and male is good and female is laughable?

“And you biko (I turned to Mr. A), the girl may be playing hard to get – it’s undeniable that some still subscribe to 1950s gender stereotypes – but then, have you stopped to consider that she just doesn’t like you? What, you think she needs a reason to not like you? She’s just not that into you. Full stop! And I won’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to date someone who can’t listen when I say no. Each time, you go around pestering her, you overstep your boundaries.

“And also, I don’t know the impression Mr. B has given you, but a gay relationship is one with two men. Two men! TWO! A gay man is a man!”

Mr. B was looking at me, awed. He told me once that I look sexy when I’m consumed by words. I hoped he actually heard me, because the last thing we need in a homophobic country are homosexuals who have not learnt to love themselves. Because seriously, this year, I’m done! Done with people who can’t use their brains! Also, if you start hateful, bigoted sentences with “Political correctness aside…”, I’m done.

Gay men desperately seeking approval should just stop. You are a man. Gay is not an antithesis to MAN. If you refuse to respect yourself, at least respect others. This idea that if only you conform enough, if only you bend yourself enough, you can be accepted is deceiving.

You must first accept yourself. You must first approve your own existence, in whatever form you exist. You must first realize that you do not need any validation outside that which you give yourself. You must end the fight you are fighting against yourself.

I’m sick and tired of gay men groveling in the dirt for validation from heteronormative, heterosexual people, and forming a hierarchy in the process. As though the more conforming you are, the higher the hierarchy you go; and the more easily you can walk among straight guys without attention, the more man you are.

See, no one is going to fault you for being heteronormative but it does not make you more man. Stop apologizing by being so ‘un-gay’ in character. When someone says to you “You don’t act gay at all”, frown and then ask them how exactly people can act gay. Don’t take it as a compliment because they mean well. It is not a compliment.

If someone says “At least you’re not like Bobrisky”, do not take it as a compliment, even if you loathe Bobrisky.

Dear gay men, stop apologizing by toning it down or demarcating yourself from “those people” who do not tone it down. Stop looking to straight people to validate your sexual orientation. I swear, you don’t need their validation. And if you think you’re more man than anyone because, at least, you’re sexually dominant or you’re not the one getting fucked, babe, you are wrong.

A man is a man. No matter how flamboyantly gay he is, no matter how much he flames, a gay man is a man.

Written by Kayode