A Medley Of Opinions About Love And Relationship In The Nigerian Gay Community

So, a couple of days ago, I posted my response to a friend who wanted some answers about love and relationships. Before I arrived at my response, I brought the issue up in the omniscient group I belong to. (Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without those guys and their pearls of wisdom. They make you realize how nice it is to have a community to fall back on for verbal guidance.)

Anyway, because it’s about the love of a gay man, the opinions came fast and furious. And I’m sharing them here so we can all get a well-rounded look at all the answers the average gay Nigerian has regarding love. This, of course, is for those who seek these answers.

So I made a post about my friend’s conundrum, and the comments came as they were:

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DEVIANTUS: Pinky, tell him to breathe. Relationships are not all that they are cut out to be. And there’s nothing wrong with not having had one. It’s not a competition. He should focus on becoming the best version of himself; he will meet someone who will see him for who he is.

VHAGAR: Nah! You don’t get to tell people that being wealthy isn’t all it’s cut out to be like you don’t get to tell people that relationships aren’t all they’re cranked up to be. Sadly, to learn lasting lessons, people have to learn these things for themselves.

DEVIANTUS: Vhagar, people go into relationships for the wrong reasons sometimes. That’s what I meant. He is probably thinking that being in a relationship is devoid of its challenges.

PINK PANTHER: Or maybe he wants to experience it all. Sometimes people want to go into relationships so they can share the struggles and the gains.

VHAGAR: Deviantus, I get that. And that will enter the global message. But trust me, a man who’s been poor his whole life doesn’t want to hear that money isn’t everything, just like someone who has not been in a relationship doesn’t want to hear that they’re overrated. The best you can do is warn them to be careful while they’re in one as shit happens. But they have to experience it for themselves first.

TEE: He has mentioned his problems, saying he’s reserved and introverted. Well, he needs to be a little bit more extroverted. He mustn’t go on Grindr to meet a nice person. Besides he shouldn’t over think it; the right person will come in due time.

VHAGAR: If I were talking to him, I’d tell him these. 1) Don’t get too desperate lest you end up with the wrong person. That is key.

(2) I’ve learnt that telling people to change their introversion is offensive. It is part of who they are. However, he could chat more. Whatever hookups come his way, he could delay gratification by trying to develop something with the person online before going over to their place for sex. When he’s had a few relationships, he’ll see why it’s sometimes overrated. For now, if his extroverted friends could introduce him to a few people, he may have a shot at something. But long term, he has to cultivate his own way of meeting people and keeping their attention.

JON SNOW: “The sea weed is always greener in somebody else’s lake…”

Tell him there’s nothing wrong with being single – just as there’s nothing wrong with being in a relationship. The first step to being happy is being comfortable with yourself and in being alone; he will not find that happiness in a relationship. It’s okay if you find love; it’s equally okay if you don’t find love. Relationship is not a goal one has to aspire to. Love is as natural as rainfall, it happens when it happens, not when you want it to. He’s going to find someone who’s going to love him, introverted and all, without the need for validation. Or maybe he won’t, and that’s perfectly fine too.

RAPUM: That’s a tall order, Jon. And very idealistic, don’t you think?

JON SNOW: Rapum, it’s just what I came to learn, howbeit the hard way. I don’t expect him to get to that point in one day. It took me my fair share of heartbreaks to imbibe it.

VHAGAR: I’ll always say that there are some mistakes you can’t warn people about enough to stop them. They just have to make their own and learn from it their own way. Sadly, Jon, if someone had told you all the things in your statement before you ever tried to date, you wouldn’t have followed them.

RED: Me nko that was told and learnt a bunch from movies, I’m still keeping an eye out for love. Hoping to someday find the twinkle I see in my friend’s eyes when he looks at his boyfriend. Wo! It’s not easy. But what Jon said is the surest way to be happy.

WIFFEY: Tell him to forget about it. He’ll never find love. He’ll never love and be loved back. He could spend all eternity searching, but he’ll never find. He’ll end up frustrated, rejected and alone all by himself. Why? Because he had a good heart and a good heart is never the right requirement for relationships in Nigeria.

Grindr… That would only make matters worse. He’ll only have meaningless hookups, find himself in trouble or get played, but never would he find love. He’ll continue on that journey with hopes that he finds love but in the long run, he would end up old, miserable and the subject of everyone’s mockery.

He should rather learn how to pretend, how to always look like everything is OK, how to act like he’s not bothered by his dejection while inside he’s consumed by it. If he doesn’t learn the truth, he’ll end up falling for the wrong person, one whom he’ll give everything and do everything for, but in the end he’ll be hurt by the fact that he’ll never be chosen. Never! A 17-year-old would always win.

What can I say, Pinky. Tell him the truth. After all, I more than anyone else should know.

PINK PANTHER: I think it’s safe to say that this is the advice I’m not going to pick. LOL! Jisox! Wiffey, who damaged you laidis, nna?

VHAGAR: I wanted to laugh at this but I considered that it might be disrespectful. Surely it’s not that bad.

WIFFEY: Vhagar, please go ahead and laugh. It really is hilarious and of course you should never deny yourself the pleasures of a good comedy. And Pinky, would you rather lies than the actual truth? What if this becomes his truth? Won’t you be the one to kill him with false hopes?

DARIUS: *taking notes of the various pieces of advice*

PINK PANTHER: LOL! Aswear, I was low-key doing the same.

UC: I would advise him to, firstly, shift his focus to something else: his school, work, developing his body and mind, finding a pastime/hobby…anything else – simply to take his mind off an ACTIVE search for a relationship. He should let it find him – if it does.

Secondly, I’d advise less hookups and more hangouts. Meet these people, talk, find a common ground. Build a relationship (NOT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP). I have a rule: I can’t hookup with you if I can’t converse with you (except for the occasional meat-sticks/fuck buddies, which are few and far in between).

RAPUM: This!!! And even as he develops himself, let him go out more and make friends with other queer people, immerse himself, even if a little, in the community. It helps with the feeling of loneliness.

UC: Exactly, Rapum. And he already knows a few popular gay folks. If he can, he should join them in their hang-outs, converse with the people they meet, don’t smile anyhow when they are giving you yeye suggestive winks and brushes on your thigh (we all know they’d want to lay the fresh meat). He should engage the community and try not to lose himself while he’s at it.

TOBI: Let me re-echo what most everyone else has said: being in a relationship is not all it seems to be. He has survived 24 years being single, I’m sure he can go another day without dropping dead.

PS: You can’t get heartbroken if you don’t enter a relationship in the first place.

VHAGAR: I’ve had a long life without ever considering how difficult it could be to find love. So, please indulge my stupid questions. 1) Is it a heteronormative thing? Like do bottoms wait for tops to make the moves and all? Does that contribute to it? (I’m just saying this because anecdotally, I’ve seen more bottoms complain about an inability to find a partner).

2) Is it a heteronormative thing in that tops just want to sow wild oats everywhere and as such are harder to tie down to a commitment?

3) Is this difficulty in finding a partner worse in the LGBT community because of the reputation for being “more inclined to sex and less to relationships” than heterosexuals?

I apologize for using the T and B word so much. I appreciate that a large number of people fall in between but I had to simplify the question to put it out there.

PINK PANTHER: LOL! Vhagar, you asked all the questions whose answers are generally in the affirmative.

Thing is, in the gay community, both tops and bottoms contribute to give tops an exalted position that makes being top seem like such a prized place to be. You see derogatory memes that depict a bunch of men (bottoms) surrounding a singular hot guy (top) and a caption that implies that there are so many bottoms out there and too little tops to go round.

And what does this do? It successfully establishes an insecurity in the average bottom and a superiority in the average top. Bottoms feel the bite of desperation to get at the right top, while tops are busy considering how there are so many guys out there they can get with.

This is generally speaking, of course. I’m just saying that the dynamics of dating in the gay community has been constructed with such a heteronormative sense that favours tops and puts bottoms at a disadvantage.

JAY: Pinky, add him to this group.

RED: Why? So that you’ll help him find the love?

BAIN: Tell him not to waste his time. He may never find love or be in a relationship. Like ever! If he is lucky enough to find someone that doesn’t have an agenda, good for him. Chances are slim though. And once that relationship ends, either he or the someone would end up lowkey or FUCKING HIGHKEY BITTER!!! HEART BROKEN!!! BETRAYED!!! Even SUICIDAL!!! And he’ll regret his choices. But he has the right to make those choices. I’d personally advise him to not even bother.

Pinky, whatever you decide on telling him, WARN HIM FIRST. All that glitters is not gold; sometimes they are just people with serious personality disorders that Nigeria keeps worsening day in day out.

JIMMY: Let him focus on loving himself, so that when love finally finds him, he’ll be ready.

JUDE: He should refuse living outside his nature. Someone somewhere is praying for a man like him. He should trust the universe to take him through these storms until his sun shines.

MITCH: He should stop looking for love. Let him focus on himself: his sanity, his growth, his well being. This way, he’d be fully occupied and have less time to think about frivolities. And, let’s face it, love is a frivolity.

PINK PANTHER: No, Mitch. Love is not a frivolity. I’m sure you’ve been through pain. I’m sure you don’t see yourself loving anyone. But please do not diminish love like that simply because you don’t want it for yourself.

CHIEDOZIE: The farther you get into your twenties, the less likely it is for an organic “he looked at me and it was love at first sight thing” to happen. He doesn’t have to be extroverted to date. He should just be more proactive, tell his friends what he’s looking for in a guy and ask them to connect him if they know anyone. With the online apps, he should look out for people who are interested in dating and not just hookups. Better yet, keep sex off the table till he gets a sense of an individual and they’ve been on several dates.

I’m not a big love person, but the cynicism in this comment section… Jesu Kristus! We should invest in therapy.

And except you’re 13, this idea of “love will find you” should be allowed to die from natural causes, please. This is how people wind up with broken hearts, because they expect love to be chemistry when it’s actually masonry.

DARIUS: Superb comment. While there is a probability that love can ‘find you’, it is nowhere near being a certainty. Some active steps have to be taken. And yes, love has to be cultivated and tended to enable it thrive.

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Well, there you have it – a smorgasbord of opinions about love and relationships in the gay community. What do y’all think? Sound off in the comments section.