Let me begin by using myself as an example.

As a admin new to a forum where the commenters are fierce, opinionated and unapologetic about what they have to say, I always had a fire banking inside me, ready to go after anyone whose opinions posed a threat to me or my friends. And I wasn’t hesitant about getting ugly with any such persons.

With time however, and after talks with well-meaning acquaintances, I embarked on one of the most difficult journeys I’ve ever had to undertake – the journey where instead of going for the jugular, I either took the high road or used sarcasm to mask my resentment of a commenter. I began to change.

Out of everything that was said and done yesterday, I picked out the comments made by Django: ‘…we are supposedly all adults, and thus far, we should be well aware of the fact that there are words said which can never be unsaid, actions which can never be undone. Aren’t we old enough to keep personal info to ourselves, swallow our pride and let sleeping dogs lie…’

Yesterday also, a heterosexual friend of mine, who I introduced to the blog because of his open-mindedness, said to me: ‘You Nigerian LGBT are too busy fighting yourselves to fight for yourselves.’

That comment shamed me.

It’s a shame that the wisdom of yesterday’s journal was entirely bypassed in favour of insults and vitriolic exchanges. It’s a shame that we were only ever too eager to tear away at each other than focus on the weighty issues yesterday’s updates had to address.

Kito Diaries was birthed to provide a forum where the real issues are tackled, and the real opponents taken head on. But instead, every now and then, we make ourselves the issues. We make ourselves the opponents. I know not everyone can exert the self control needed not to clap back at every offense he perceives on KD, but is it possible that in your battles, you desist from using the vulnerabilities of others to go after them? Is it possible to put your resentment of others into words that shows the restraint of maturity? There are people here who feel that to stand out, they must put forward the most crushing put-downs against the post they don’t like or the comment they don’t fancy. When I see the comments that come after the updates, the ‘Oh this post is crap…I do not get the usefulness of this post’ comments, I wonder how hard it can be to simply walk on past that ‘crappy’, ‘useless’ post. When I see the rejoinders that set out to eviscerate others using personal experiences, I wonder at the humanity of the person behind the keyboard.

When I thought about putting up this post, someone said that I shouldn’t bother, that those who are full of ugliness will remain so, in spite of whatever I have to say. And even though, sadly, I agree with him, I owe it to those who share my disappointment and those who were hurt by yesterday’s events to say something.

Please, let us stop.

Please, let us stop fighting ourselves so much that we forget to fight for ourselves.

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  1. Mitch
    October 12, 08:01 Reply

    Sorry PP, but this won’t appeal to them. It’s just like the Bible says, they have their conscience seared as with a hot iron. Like Django said yesterday, most of such people lack happiness and seeing how they are too cowardly to face their own demons, they resort to using the ‘crab-mentality’ to pull others down to the pits where they are.

    My advice to KDians is simple: Whenever someone comes at you with vituperations aimed at your jugular, be quick to remember that this is a virtual site and as such is quite disconnected from your reality. So please, don’t humour every comment made outta spite or foolishness with a backlash. You only establish yourself as petty.

    This is my candid advice, both to myself and my fellow KDians. We may not all join hands and sing Kumbaya, but we can sure as hell refrain from pettiness and narrow-minded conflicts.

  2. Sinnex
    October 12, 08:22 Reply

    Well….A wise man or is it wise woman once said ‘When you have nothing to say, say nothing at all’.

    The truth of the matter is that we have passed the stage where people come here to learn but now they come just to attack anything or anyone that catches their fancy. Same goes to the Grammar Nazi and ‘Lip Stick gang’.

    This place is just like an high school where everyone one is trying to find their place. There exist the click of happening guys that everyone wants to be part of….and the click of.. well…you know.

    What am I saying, we are all guilty. You as the Admin is also guilty. The fact is that you are sentimental and selective. You’d see something very wrong but you’d look the other way, but when it affects you goons, you go round screaming ‘Blue murder’.

    Now, what happened yesterday is quite unfortunate but it was bound to happen one day.

    Don’t start what you can’t finish.

    You know someone has issues and you still have the time to respond.

    • Pink Panther
      October 12, 08:28 Reply

      There is no Lipstick Gang, Sinnex. Kindly stop with that.
      And that advice you just gave: ‘When you have nothing to say, say nothing at all’… you should think about taking it yourself when you come across posts that don’t interest you on KD.

      • Sinnex
        October 12, 09:01 Reply

        Hypocrisy at its peak.

        You cannot be selective and expect me to just fold my hands and pretend as if nothing is happening.

        When the Bible says in Matthew 10:36 that a man’s enemies are those of his household. I guess you thought it was referring to demons.

        The problem is right at your doorstep and you can’t go around dishing blames and acting like a saint when you are as guilty as every other person.

        • Pink Panther
          October 12, 09:05 Reply

          See? That right there is exactly what I’m talking about. I did not dish out any blame, Sinnex. I merely pointed out something. I wasn’t even attacking you. But you decided to come after me. ‘Hypocrisy at its peak’? Really? Lol. *shaking my head* It’s those with the prickly conscience that get so readily on the defensive when all that was intended was a correction of their errors.

          PS: I will always admit that I am as flawed as everyone here. Perhaps you should take the time to do the same.

      • desmond
        October 13, 12:06 Reply

        Pp…..must you reply?I think we should learn how to look the other way when a harsh comment is directed at us.

  3. Mandy
    October 12, 08:25 Reply

    My reactions yesterday was out of character for me. I usually opt for more veiled poison in my responses to attacks 🙂 but there was such Chizzieful pheromones in the KDian atmosphere yesterday that I got dirtier than usual.
    Dennis Macaulay, Jon Snow, I’d like to apologize for my comments yesterday. They came out of a resentment of the unfairness of your comments. I get that you two are ardent fans of Bisi Alimi, but your comments felt like you were shooting the messenger. My initial comment wasn’t borne out of malice but humour, albeit misplaced.
    However, my apologies still. Such a shame that yesterday’s mess has set us on another week’s delay on what Declan and co are up to. :'(

  4. ambivalentone
    October 12, 08:33 Reply

    This is become a clockwork, regular as day n night. Cat fight n ‘adminishment’ followed by false contriteness

    • Dubem
      October 12, 08:36 Reply

      Shading the admin… You sound like you have an alternative idea for how things should go. If people were grown up around here, maybe there wouldn’t be any need for the ‘adminishment’.

      • ambivalentone
        October 12, 08:54 Reply

        perhaps. but y bother? Its futile. just Revel in d bloodbath

        • Dubem
          October 12, 09:17 Reply

          Is that code for ‘I don’t care what the admin says, I’m really just here for the drama, but let me sound a bit like I care for the sanctity of KD’?

          • ambivalentone
            October 12, 11:20 Reply

            maybe I don’t. But I seem to remember d clamourings n Poor Pinky, our gracious admin bending, forgetting u don’t play with swine n complain of mud stains

  5. Delle
    October 12, 08:36 Reply

    I just had to cry after reading this post. Maybe its because am an ardent supporter of togetherness in this ‘community’ of ours, maybe its because if feel PP put this up due to my words of bigotry to ‘Jame’s journal’ yesterday…or maybe the fusion of both. But do I feel ashamed of my self for being so petty? Yes! Do I feel silly for looking for popcorns while Chizzie and Peak were throwing ‘wordy bombs’ at each other yesterday? Totally.
    Even if a huge percent won’t consent to this post…it struck a nerve in me. And sincerely, I feel that’s all that matters. Thanks Pinky…*dabbing eyes*

  6. ken
    October 12, 08:40 Reply

    Aww this is so touching…if I was an emotionless sociopath I wld almost cry.

    But I get the point admin is making. Just that with blogs, its like opening a box of chocolate. U never know what u going to get. This however shld not give pple the excuse to malign and insult others

    Btw have a fab week ahead yall!

    • #Chestnut
      October 12, 09:41 Reply

      But when u open a box of chocolates,u know what u’re going to get nah: chocolates,abi?

      • Kerr
        October 12, 19:29 Reply

        Lol… Abi ooh
        Should I be expecting sth else other than chocolate ?????

  7. Chizzie
    October 12, 09:15 Reply

    This is the internet, the last place to expect decorum from is the internet. We can’t always hold hands and sing kumbaya because we are gay. Actually I think we are even better behaved, judging from the comments on other generic blogs . Just because we are all gay doesn’t mean we should all be a tight knit family, and be politically correct all the time. At the end of the day we are humans, its only ideal if we clash from time to time

    About yesterday, yes I did cross the line by using what was published earlier against someone. But it shouldn’t stop anyone from posting more stories – It simply shouldn’t!

    Please ask your self why ONE person’s opinion should deter you from doing what you want? Why should my comment be the centre point in determining whether a story be published or not.? Most of you need to realize that I’m really not that important, I hardly ever take myself seriously so why then should anyone, more less people who haven’t seen me, be bothered?

    Before you get angry over what someone says, you must ask yourself if this person is really worth all that energy. Anger is so energy draining, so dispense it on people you feel are truly deserving of the stress.

    No one should stop you from posting what you want or saying what you want,especially if they aren’t paying your bills and putting food on your table.

    Chizzie wasn’t there when you paid for your data, so post what you want my people oo ???

    • sensei
      October 12, 10:38 Reply

      Chizzie, don’t tell me you actually believe that. If insults that are delivered online are not important, why do you bother to respond to them? Maybe you should lead us by example.
      And, why would you admit that you crossed the line and what follows immediately is a justification of what you did instead of an apology?

  8. #Chestnut
    October 12, 09:39 Reply

    Wait, there was drama here when I left? *runs to yesterday’s posts*

  9. Dennis Macaulay
    October 12, 09:41 Reply

    I read the posts this morning and I put a call across to pink Panther. When we were still drawing up plans for this blog, we wanted a safe place for gay men to be honest about their experiences and tell their stories. We wanted people to chronicle what it is like to be gay and Nigerian living in Nigeria.

    Real stories are what makes this place tick, real experiences and real people. Kito stories help people avoid kito experiences and help us share in their grief and pain.

    Nobody is asking anybody to hold hands and dance or anything, infact being friends with other KDian’s is a choice, but if people are zinged with personal stuff they shared; be it their HIV status, their oscillating between homosexuality and bisexuality or the mistakes they made in the past, it then defeats the purpose of sharing experiences.

    If people stop telling these stories, what are we left with? Sex pieces? Is that what we come here daily to read?

    At the end of the day it’s everyone’s call to act responsibly because the anonymity of the Internet doesn’t excuse one to be a bag of BS.

    This letter will still not do much as unhappy people will always spread unhappiness, I am a solution oriented person and we will find a solution to this quagmire.

  10. #Chestnut
    October 12, 09:42 Reply

    I aint even gonna lie, these “AWFTA” posts give me life cos I know PP is about to go IN! Lol

    • Dennis Macaulay
      October 12, 09:48 Reply

      Go in kwa?

      Into where?

      A place warm and lubed up?


  11. Duke (formerly Ace)
    October 12, 09:56 Reply

    First, I went back to read the comments of yesterday. Wow! I would like to believe folks are using their laptops or something to write those comments. The length is crazy!

    Second, when the blog was still in its early stages, I could bask in the euphoria of anonymity, but now, I really cut down on what I say or do cos folks ain’t loyal.

    Third, Chizzie honey, some people are not like you. Some people, like myself, don’t care if what I share here is used as a zinger later because there is so much in my life I care about than one silly mistake I made at one time and shared on the blog. But some folks have scars that haven’t healed completely and making comments using their stories as a reference may not be the best way to go. So let’s stick to finding grammatical errors and leave personal errors alone.

    Finally, PP, I always love this your damage control/ PR/ Conflict resolution articles. Maybe it is my background in communication or my love for peace. It is always tastefully done.

  12. Dickson Clement
    October 12, 12:41 Reply

    I think there is some form of segregation or clique thingy going on here, but being matured is knowing how to take constructive criticism, learning how to ignore outright insult, and being confident. I think people should air their opinion, all the shades of foolishness should be welcomed, if not the blog will looked so academic and the fun will be lost. When I am bored sometimes, I fire up my device to read KD and I am fascinated by the comments. I think people should really grow thick skin to certain comments and as Michy said” it’s a virtual site”. Nobody knows you personally!

    • ikhines
      October 13, 07:54 Reply

      Exactly my point. You edit stories; do you want to edit comments too? One man’s ewwww is another man’s awww! Too much clique on this site.

      • Pink Panther
        October 13, 07:57 Reply

        ikhines, if at this stage, you still haven’t gotten the point that we are pushing for, if at this stage you are still going to remain miffed by the call for people to be more considerate in their comments, if at this stage, you still do not understand the damaging effect that such nastiness has on the flow of submissions that turn into the posts you are here to read…

        Then by all means, leave. Go on. Get. Move. Relocate.
        You said you are over this blog yesterday, didn’t you? What then are you still here for the morning after? If you do not like the way things are run here, Then please leave! I can certainly handle one more less trouble-loving individual around here.

        If you don’t like it here, it’s simple really. LEAVE!

        • ikhines
          October 13, 08:17 Reply

          When admin starts taking comments personal
          Pls tell me what will you do when you start having 5000+ comments? You dont need to defend yourself. As I said earlier we arr not kids here and you cant tell us what to say!

          • Pink Panther
            October 13, 08:22 Reply

            I am not telling you what to say.
            I am not taking anything personal.
            And I’m not defending myself.

            But you know what I am doing? I’m telling you to leave if you don’t like it here. No matter how much you rave and rant about your point of view, I will still do what I determine to do. The earlier you get with the program, the better for us. Otherwise, well, there’s the door.

            • ikhines
              October 13, 08:30 Reply

              Really? You have so much time to reply all my comments? This your own admin ehn! Oya I want to stay! Bros you cant control me.I dont care if this your blog. I pay for my internet and I can read and comment on whatever I want.

              • Pink Panther
                October 13, 08:46 Reply

                *shaking my head*
                My dear, I’m not looking to control you. Don’t flatter yourself. What you do with yourself is not my interest. It becomes my business however when you try to undermine what I’m doing here. I’ve stopped being apologetic for my actions as admin. You can posture all you want about how unfair it is. I frankly don’t care. The day your comment becomes an attack on another person, that freedom of expression will NOT be let to exist.

                You can stay o. I’m not pursuing you. Just as long as we understand the terms around here.

  13. JustJames
    October 12, 13:24 Reply

    I thought we were all glad chizzie is back?

    I thought the drama was what we lived for…

    Real housewives.. Big brother kind of thing.. No?


  14. McGray
    October 12, 13:51 Reply

    It’s such a shameful act sha. Although i never expected any organization to be without any ‘Judas’ but d worst part someone can say to anyone is using his problem against him, that’s d height of it. If u like slit my throat but when submitting any post to Pinky try to keep some to urself, not only abt post but anywhere u found yourself. People come here to share their problem and someone especially Chizzie see that as an ‘added advantage’. But sha, i dnt even know why people fuss abt things like that, someone can only talk and nothing else. No one can beat u here its just d person taking out his frustration on d dearest keyboard. Chizzie ur comments yesterday na aso nti oyi. Tufiakwa!

  15. iamcoy
    October 12, 14:08 Reply

    Well I would just like to add a thought. Its about grammar. This blog is becoming reputable and has a readership internationally and locally; by staight and gay folks alike. We are daily mirroring ourselves and should not hide under the cloak of ‘English is not my mother tongue’ to murder the sensibilities of the teeming readership, whilst been seen as that fellow who only cares for dick and ass and has got nothing upstairs. So my dear before you are quick to click on the publish button, inhale/exhale and be sure you give a good image of the LGBQTI Nigeria.

  16. ronniephoenix
    October 12, 15:54 Reply

    Some people reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy need this advice.

    Holla people.

  17. Ven
    October 12, 18:20 Reply

    Been saying this for a while now. When you have a small community that’s largely hated by the general public. We should have each other’s backs, be kind to one another

  18. Brian Collins
    October 13, 07:27 Reply

    Lol, absolutely high-larious. Chizzie – making admin go IN since 2014. I expected this post and i expected chizzie’s indifference, atleast he didn’t give a pseudo-apology this time.
    Remember Dubem’s stint with Chizzie last year – i think, he absolutely gutted Dubem, bringing up personal stuff and shii. Chizzie, rest kwa nu. Be a bit mature in perpetrating your evuls. Don’t help people remain in the darkness of their hopelessness and fear and depression because they are too scared to talk about those issues that plague them.
    @Chizzie, you are the queen bitch, classy or not, i’m not sure anyonw would contest that but let your queen become DOWAGER. In other words, REST!!!!!!

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