A WORLD OF PAIN

I am in my bed, on a cold night, going through recent stories on Kito Diaries, and I come to realize that I still feel the hurt and that I should share my story.

I had my first sex after secondary school, at age fifteen, and I fancied myself in love with the boy I had sex with. Neme was his name. but then, he came forth about four months later, during which time we’d been together, to say he wasn’t gay. I was so hurt by this, to the point of falling sick. And when I got over the heartbreak, I decided to forget about men and focus on my life. Which is what I did, focusing on my job, for eight months.

Then I heard about Manjam from a friend and decided to come on board. I met a few guys from Manjam but never got serious with any one of them, and it stayed that way for years. Until 2009, when I met Jay. We met online and got talking. I felt some connection with him and was flirting with the idea of starting something serious with him. But there was a problem. Jay was an undergraduate in a university in the East and only visited Lagos, where I was at the time, on the occasional break. And even when he visited Lagos, my job was too demanding for me to take time off to go see him, seeing as we stayed on practically opposite ends of town.

Somewhere along the line, I lost my job and decided to go into business, as I had saved enough during my working years to fall back on. Because of this, I had more time for myself, and when Jay got into town and called me for us to see, I was able to go over to his place.

Jay was a far cry from what I expected. I didn’t let on to him though that I wasn’t into him. We hung out, had drinks and chatted. He got sloshed enough to begin telling me about a roommate he had who was deeply closeted, but who he’d had sex with every now and then. He went on and on about how awesome this roommate’s lovemaking skills were and how nice he was. He talked this guy up so much, I found myself beginning to fancy this person I didn’t even know.

A few months later, life happened and I decided to get back to pursuing my education. As luck would have it, I passed the UTME exam that gained me a spot for admission in the same school Jay was attending. My mother suggested I stay with a cousin during my visit in preparation of the university entrance exam. I called my cousin and we talked, and she was cool with me coming to stay with her. When I was ready, I headed off to join her in the East.

When I got to my cousin’s place, we had a nice time catching up. Then she mentioned that she had a boyfriend who’d undergone an operation and would be coming back the next day. The way she talked, it seemed like she lived together with the guy.

The next day, I went out early to do something academic-related at the bank. When I got back home, it was to meet a full house. These were obviously friends who had come around to see the guy who’d just come home from his hospital stay. The guy in question was seriously good looking. Tall, dark, firm muscled and hairy. He was seated close to my cousin.

He was introduced to me as Nnamdi. My cousin’s boyfriend. When I shook hands with him, I could feel butterflies in my belly. I found him intensely attractive. He was also funny, and made a small joke about how confused I looked when I walked into the room to find it full of people. Everybody laughed.

It turned out he was actually a neighbour and not my cousin’s roommate, as the couple soon excused themselves to go to his room for some privacy.

The next morning, after what I imagined was a night of loving, my cousin resurfaced, her boyfriend in tow. As we had breakfast, he mentioned that his roommate would be coming back later in the day and he would be bringing a lot of foodstuff. He was lively, an engaging conversationalist. And I liked him.

In the evening, I was stepping into the lodge from where I went to study, when I noticed someone trying to get into Nnamdi’s room. The figure seemed familiar, and when I got a good look at him, I did a double take. It was Jay.

And a lot of realizations instantly ran through my consciousness when I recognised Jay. I remembered the drinks we had and what he’d said about having a deeply closeted roommate who was nice and a sex god. Could that guy be Nnamdi, my cousin’s boyfriend?

Jay was thrilled to see me, and as he settled in, we did some catching up. I didn’t bring up the topic of his roommate’s homosexuality. He didn’t bring it up and so I didn’t. meanwhile, Nnamdi was incredibly nice to me, and now that I knew his secret, I wondered if the times he was sweet and charming toward me was really his way of flirting with me. But I didn’t put much mind to that.

My exams came. I did well and got admitted into the school. I had to travel back to my base to prepare for my resumption. This was also the period of the university’s second semester break. Weeks into the holiday, my cousin called to tell me that the residents of her lodge had been asked to vacate the hostel as the owner wanted to renovate the place. She also said that she had broken up with her boyfriend because he was a serial cheat. I didn’t know how to feel about that – sad for her pain, relieved over her dodging a potential disaster of a relationship with a closeted queer man, or glad that I could now lust after Nnamdi without feeling any guilt over his association with my cousin.

A few days later, someone chatted me up on WhatsApp. It was Nnamdi. He was in the UK. As we chatted, he talked about the same things my cousin had already told me – their breakup and the quit notice from the hostel. He asked that I notify him, should I hear of any vacant apartments. I said I would. Then I asked him to get me some perfumes when coming back to Nigeria.

We didn’t communicate again after that. School resumed and I hadn’t gotten a place. I had to put up with my cousin who was staying in a shared flat. Matriculation came around and I threw a small party to celebrate. Surprisingly, Nnamdi showed up. There was food and drinks and lots of merriment. The party began to wind down in the evening and people began to leave in their numbers.

I had gone to see off some friends and was returning to the apartment. The corridor of the flat has no electric lighting and as such, is usually dark in the night. And as I walked down the corridor, I couldn’t see that someone was waiting in the dark for me. I was walking one moment, and the next, someone was pulling me from behind and immediately I turned, he was planting a kiss on my lips. Even though in that moment, I didn’t know who it was, oddly, I responded to the kiss.

However, as I kissed this person back, his cologne assailed my senses and I suddenly realized who I was kissing.

Nnamdi.

I hastily drew back from him, and without stopping to ask for an explanation, fled for my flat. Throughout that night, I kept on thinking about that kiss and about Nnamdi and about what this all meant.

My search for accommodation intensified in the following days, and for a while, it seemed as though nothing was working out. Then I got lucky and was able to secure one of the flats in the same compound as my cousin. It was a three-bedroom flat whose rent I couldn’t take on on my own; I needed flatmates. My cousin said she would help me get one.

On the day I signed on the dotted lines and collected the keys to my new apartment, I discovered that Nnamdi was to become one of my flatmates. Apparently, he was one of those my cousin had informed about the available accommodation. I was a bit uncomfortable with the idea of us living together, but there was nothing I could do about it at this point. Other people began moving in, and for a few days, we were all busy cleaning out our individual rooms.

During that period, things were kind of awkward between Nnamdi and I. He noticed this and decided to address the issue with me one evening. He told me he hadn’t meant to kiss me that night of my matriculation party, that he was drunk and didn’t think before he did what he did. That he didn’t roll that way. Then he promised that it wouldn’t happen again, adding that I should please be free around him.

If I had known the world of pain this guy was going to wreck my life with, I would have sought refuge in the awkwardness that kept us apart, instead of accept his friendship. If I could’ve looked into the future in that moment to see how broken he was going to render me, I would have persisted in staying on my lane.

TO BE CONTINUED

Written by Audrey