It was toward the end of the thirteenth episode of Legacies, in the scene where Hope was struck with grief over the loss of Landon, that the hauntingly beautiful soundtrack began to play, connecting immediately with my soul. (I am usually very drawn to melancholic music). I quickly went to Google and sought out the song. It was Lost Without You by Freya Ridings. I played the song more times than I can remember, and each time I played it, I was reminded of him. The song gave me clarity on a lot of things regarding what happened between me and him. I understood love. His love for me. The love that set me free after I told him I didn’t feel the same way. With every melodious strain of Freya Ridings’ song, I could see afresh the hurt in his eyes, and I found myself wishing I could have loved him back.

I found myself missing him. His company. Our unending banter. His lovely face, which was the first thing that attracted me to him.

I can’t remember where I was coming from the day I met him, but I was heading home. It was evening, and I’d just alighted from a keke and crossed to the other side of the road. It was then that I noticed him, standing as if waiting for someone.

A beautiful face like that, I thought to myself.

As if my entire being was no longer under my control, I found myself walking over to him. I just had to make his acquaintance. And when I got to him, I opened my mouth and said the dumbest pickup line ever: “You look familiar…”

He was kind enough to give a positive response, and after a brief chat, we parted with me having his number.

I called a few days later. We talked. And at the end of the week, he was at my place.

There was a little unease between us that first visit. We stayed in the living room; I didn’t want to take him into my room so he wouldn’t think it was sex I was after. I really wanted things to go slow. I wanted a relationship. At least, I thought I did.

We talked about our meeting at the junction, and he admitted that he was a little scared over my boldness, and that he knew I was lying about him being familiar. But when he saw the frankness on my face, he relaxed, knowing that my intentions were pure. We talked about other things, like when he told me we were actually primary schoolmates. This was like 14-or-so years ago; I marveled at his recollection of this. As he talked about our time in school, I began to recognise him; except I knew him back then with a different name than the one he was currently answering to. He told me he was an early bloomer, and suspected I was gay back then, even though I myself had no consciousness of my homosexuality at that age.

He kept visiting and we continued exchanging little things about ourselves. We always had the ability to talk about everything and anything. We didn’t always agree, but it was fun going back and forth with him. We would talk about our different views on life, about LGBT issues, about sex.

We got closer. We kissed. We did some heavy petting. We sucked each other off. But we didn’t have sex.

I wanted us to have sex. But when he explained to me that he gets attached to people he gets that intimate with, I held off on pressuring for us to have sex. I was really crushing on him, but the more we hung out, the more it was obvious to me that he was falling in love with me. And that scared me. He told me that ever since primary school, he’d liked me and was praying for our paths to cross sometime when we are adults; this was one of the many little things that made me realise he was becoming more emotionally invested in me than I was comfortable with.

I took sometime to sort through my feelings, to be sure about what I wanted with him. And with a sinking heart, I was coming to the realization that it wasn’t romantic. And this became the beginning of the end.

I used to always look forward to his visits. But now knowing that we were operating on different currents of emotions began to wear on the way I felt about being with him. He was too much for me. I told him the way I was starting to feel, like I had limited air around him, while he thought spending more and more time with me was the way to make me become as into him as he was me.

But I was certain now that I just wanted us to be friends. I was incapable of giving more. He was going to go back to school soon and he wanted to give me a gift. He came to my place. I wanted to know what the gift was. He said it was him; that he was offering himself to me. That he would like us to be together, to give it a try and see where it’d go. As he talked, he kissed me. He is a very good kisser. It was clear he wanted us to have sex. This, I knew, was not a good idea. I pulled back and told him so. That having sex now would complicate things between us.

But he was past listening to me. And my aroused senses weren’t listening to my common sense. We resumed kissing. We sucked and licked and smooched. Then I got condoms. He took one from me, unwrapped it and slid it down over my dick. I slid into his mangina, and began to fuck him.

After about ten minutes of thrusting back and forth, I began to lose my erection. It was horrible. We tried everything to resurrect me, but the eagle had landed and was not going back up. We gave up, and he helped me cum. But he couldn’t cum, because, according to him, he can only wank himself to cum when there’s a dick inside him.

It was the knock of a lady friend who came to visit that ended the whole awkward encounter that was our first – and as it were, only – sex.

He later wanted us to talk about what happened. About it all. I didn’t want to talk. I kind of shut him out for a few days after that. It was sad really; where once we could talk to each other with such ease, now we were acting like two sailors on a ship that had lost its bearing. Our online chats dwindled. We drifted. But we were able to see one more time when he told me he was letting me go. It pained me how full of love he was, and how I couldn’t be the one who make all that love become something beautiful.

Written by Sauce Button

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  1. Bells
    July 13, 06:50 Reply

    This thing called “Love” I wish I truly understand it then maybe I can fully comprehend it in it’s entirety. Like why it isn’t always balanced?

  2. Mitch
    July 13, 08:08 Reply

    I think you were reasonably honest in your dealings with him, if all you’ve told us is what happened.

    Sometimes, we’re so in love with people that we take it for granted that our feelings are returned or we foolishly believe, even when we’ve clearly been told otherwise, that we can change their minds and make them love us.

    We can’t!
    Shit like that never works.
    All you’d be doing is setting yourself up for an epic heartbreak down the road.

    However, I do have a problem with the way you cut him off. See, you can be friends with someone who is in love with you. All you need is the presence of mind to stop any actions that could lead them to further falling in love with, to stop them whenever they offer themselves for sex with the hopes that it’d change your mind.

    Just be firm. Be firm but kind.
    That way, you’d clearly pass your message across and still allow them to retain their dignity.

  3. Mandy
    July 13, 08:38 Reply

    Unrequited Love is just the shit. I keep wondering why the universe plays us like this, constantly placing us together with people who could never love us like we love them. Like, isn’t there a way that we can all just go striaght to meeting the loves of our lives when we are ready to love, instead of going through shits like this? #sigh

  4. trystham
    July 13, 09:06 Reply

    I’m glad u were honest with him. And I would have avoided him on the realization nothing he wanted would come from him. At least to remove the chances of having awkward sex

  5. KingB
    July 13, 10:04 Reply

    But all you so called Tops are the same na. Are u writing this to draw pity or consolation from us? Don’t worry the young man is doing perfectly fine and would find someone worth his time. Does that sound like newsflash????

    • J
      July 13, 11:22 Reply

      LOL my dear ??? This same person said he wanted a relationship and he didn’t want to rush into sex. The poor boy offered his heart, but brother got scared.

      Sometimes I feel like most tops have no determination in life. They act like babies. Some men are so scared of commitment, they want more, they feel like there’s someone out there more special for them. A man wants the best, even if he’s the worse. Just like you, every other person has expectations. Learn to reason with others before it’s too late.

      • Mitch
        July 13, 13:31 Reply

        Do you read to understand or do you just aim to be a nonsensical arse every time?

        The writer never said he wanted a relationship. All he wanted was sex. The fact that the other party started catching feelings made him withdraw.

        But no! You’d rather draw a parallel spinoff in your head to berate him rather than understand what he said.

        If you need an optometrist, I know quite a number of good ones. But I think what you need is a shrink to rid you of your excessive desire to be a relentless arse.

        • J
          July 13, 14:41 Reply

          “There was a little unease between us that first visit. We stayed in the living room; I didn’t want to take him into my room so he wouldn’t think it was sex I was after. I really wanted things to go slow. I wanted a relationship. At least, I thought I did.”

          He really wanted things to go slow. He wanted a relationship. At least, he thought he did. Then what happened? Village people came knocking? I have no right to judge your decision and I didn’t judge you. I just gave my candid opinion and perception about most tops and it’s the truth whether you accept it or not.

          So Mitch I know what I’m saying, and I also know that you’re toxic and have no manners. You have to change, I feel so sorry for you.

      • Pink Panther
        July 13, 13:57 Reply

        “This same person said he wanted a relationship and he didn’t want to rush into sex.”

        I am struggling to see where this was said.

        • J
          July 13, 15:26 Reply

          Stop the abuse of bottoms by tops. If you can’t catch feelings. Stick your dick in the sand or some log of wood. How dare you think everyone is like you? Why do you expect others to be like you? Unless if someone is a prostitute or a sex addict, you have no right to have sex with a bottom and still expect them not to fall for you.

          I think this is a natural problem couple with the constant policing of some bottoms and women by society. A man can have sex with anyone and get away with it, he’s a champion but if a bottom or a woman tries that, then they are seen as whores.

          Just for you TOPS to know, most bottoms and women like attachment and they want something/someone stable. There’s this inborn shit in us that wants someone who wants to love us, accept our flaws, fuck us and stay forever if possible. I call it “inborn shit” because it seems like it’s one sided, it’s mostly found in bottoms and women. Most men just prefer whoring around and they want to be accepted and understood. I repeat it again, who the hell do you think you are?

          • Pink Panther
            July 13, 16:38 Reply

            I’m sorry, but is this tirade really directed at me? I’m the Top representative that you are scolding like this? Really?

            • J
              July 13, 20:40 Reply

              LOL it’s not directed to you Mama P, it’s for every top that is guilty, sorry it has to be passed through you. MANDY I replied your comment on Bhawcity’s post, but it seems like you have not read it. Go and read it to know me better, stop being a pain in the ass.

              Mitch abi na bush baby grab this bone ? shey na lemon grass you want chop? I no send you and the chikini wey dey your head. Attention no go epp me if I no go get beta endorsement and sponsor. Wetin I dey find, na man? Your man say him like me? I tell you say I like him? Then what? Why you dey carry my matter for your head? Go chop bele full if you want fight me, if not eh I go drag your bones put inside gutter. Bomboclat

              • Higwe
                July 14, 01:21 Reply


                J : Do you know you could earn good money as a comedian ?
                I swear the way you effortlessly make me laugh .???

                I love you .?

                • J
                  July 14, 14:02 Reply

                  Higwe nothing do you, you get joy for your life. Love you like kilode ????

          • Mandy
            July 13, 16:42 Reply

            And why do you keep talking like you are a Bottom Gay Man.
            Weren’t you a trans woman just yesterday? So what’s all this panadol you are drinking for Bottoms as if you are a part of the community of gay men?

            • Mitch
              July 13, 18:11 Reply

              Leave the attention seeking psycho.
              Let him not go and look for the solution to what is ailing him. Ya zuzuwe nzuzu niile juru ya ahu.

            • trystham
              July 13, 20:24 Reply

              Mandy dear, “…and women”. He wrote “and women”. Its an umbrella statement for the underdogs of either world

  6. Lopez
    July 13, 11:12 Reply

    Tops are not so called kingB, they are humans with emotions capable of love.
    And you the writer, there are two sides to every story. if he was narrating this story I’m sure we’ll have a different version, that says tops like you are the reason why pp and co are posting up and down tops are incapable of love. yes you’re being honest but I can’t help but think you’re self centred and a little cruel.
    like a kdian once said “love wey me they find na him someone they throway”.

    • KingB
      July 13, 12:42 Reply

      Bro, im sorry but these tops are so called. They feel the world revolve round them. That was how one came up to say that because he’s “man” , that he’s free to fuck other guys while in a relationship but his bottom dear not fathom it. I’m not supporting infidelity in a relationship but then imagine the gut na. Very self centered lots.

  7. Tman
    July 13, 12:54 Reply

    I just downloaded the song, Lost Without You, and it’s been on replay since over 30 minutes; I only just remembered I didn’t drop a comment.

    Sauce, forget whatever criticism you receive, if you didn’t feel something for him initially, you wouldn’t have brashly initiated a convo. The thing is, sometimes our actions may be rushed, rash. You probably realized this and tried to steer the ship right but you’d already inadvertently led him on.

    I’m glad you were able to open up to him. It was necessary even if it would really have hurt him. About losing your erection, that could be pretty terrible, I’ve been there. What works? Make sure you really are attracted to someone beyond the boundaries of friendship before going intimate.

  8. Temi
    July 14, 13:25 Reply

    Hmm this matter no cause fight now…. Please let’s respect each others opinion. I feel the writer turned the bottom guy on and absconded it’s not done why go intimate when you genuinely know you aren’t going to hold on the relationship.

  9. Rex
    July 14, 13:48 Reply

    Somehow I feel we’ve not read the “whole” story, there seems to be a missing piece in this puzzle that I can’t quite place a finger on, but ts well, thank God you didn’t lead him on.

  10. Azia
    July 14, 16:14 Reply

    Bitches everywhere ..common this small post y’all are fighting..uhmm I find this disgusting

  11. Astar
    July 14, 17:56 Reply

    Those this sort of thing happen all the time?I ended a relationship yesterday with this text “I’m so sorry. I know that I’m a disappointment to u. But I promise u, that I will always be the best of friends if I can’t be best of lovers”

    What that happened between us was very similar to your story. For eight months, he poured his love on me like Mary the alabastar box on Jesus, but I could love him back. I thought everybody can love back if they are loved and that maybe my ability to receive love was damaged by past break up.

  12. Saucebutton
    July 15, 23:21 Reply

    Wow! Appreciate the comments so far learnt a lot from what was said.
    We at times become too hostile with opinions that doesn’t seem to suit us has individuals of a community, this is quiet alarming. We could make communications void of insults.
    For the things I said in the story; the application of the golden rule was my compass.
    Thanks PP for this platform.

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