All That Matters
The kiss…
It was important that you remembered the kiss because you knew. You don’t really know why, but you knew that you had to cherish that moment, that space in time that made life finally worth living. Your grandmother once told you that if we live long enough, we tend to forget the lives we have lived. But you think we never forget the love we had given and received.
Even though you knew that in six months tops, he might move on, or find someone better and he wouldn’t even throw a glance back to know how many pieces he broke your heart into, on that day three months ago, when you sat on the bed adjacent to him as he looked at the cake you had baked and pursued his lips in that way he does that makes it hard for you to know what he is thinking, you knew that this might not last, that this might be the last time you will be this close to him, sharing this wonderful feeling.
So, you committed every single sensation to memory. The way the light spilled in through the window against the cream green walls and marbled floors, the nonsensical political show airing on the TV, the pattern in the ceiling fan’s rotation, the tiny drip drop of water in the bathroom from the leaky pipe. You filed away the way he smiled at you when he turned and saw you looking at him, the way his thin lips pressed together and arched on their ends, the movement of the freckles on his face, the twinkle in his eyes, the way his chest rose and fell with each breath.
But most important of all was how he brought his head to meet you halfway as you leaned toward him and your lips met for the first time, unfamiliar at first. You felt a short burst of electricity. For a few seconds, it was just your lips meeting each other for the first time in a cautious handshake, pressed together but not really embracing. Then, simultaneously, they opened up and became more intimate. They became intertwined, of some sort. Your upper lip on his lower lip, his lower lip atop yours.
You didn’t know when it happened, but you realized that your eyes were closed. You have never really thought about it but you finally got why we kiss with our eyes closed. Because it’s a goddamned religion! You close your eyes when you worship the god or goddess in front of you and you can’t just get into it with your eyes open; the feeling is probably so good that even if your eyelids were open, your pupils would be rolled back into your skull in pleasure. You have realized that this is what they probably mean by sensory deprivation. Depriving yourself of sensation from sense organs to increase the quality of sensation received from the other sense. With your eyes closed, you didn’t know what his face looked like because you could feel it with the kiss; you didn’t need to know if he wanted you because you could feel his yearning in the way his breath came hot and hard against your face, the way his tongue moved in your mouth, dueling with yours, rolling over your teeth. His teeth grazed your lips and you felt blood pumping through the fleshy lobes.
You don’t know how long you both craned your necks, facing each other to latch your lips and suck each other’s face, but it wasn’t long enough before you needed more. The kiss was explosive but you wanted more, you needed more than just the taste of his lips in yours. Maybe he did too, because you both started tearing at each other’s clothing. You found a way to move and sat on his legs as you hastily unbuttoned his shirt and he pulled your polo shirt up your torso to your arms.
And then it happened.
The duel between your lips ended, and you both moved apart to help your clothes off your upper bodies. In that moment, things changed. This period in a kiss is much like what happened to your relationship. One minute, it was an overpowering and intoxicating wave, the next minute, when you pulled back to catch our breath, you lost it. That – in the words of Banky W – ‘strong thing’ you had dissipated in the blink of an eye. You just didn’t know it yet.
You both looked into the other’s eyes. You above him, straddling his legs. Him below, his lips hanging open. Fixated on the pool of emotion that leads directly to one’s soul. The longing, the raw need. The way your breaths were hitched and hurried. Your lips were singing from the onslaught it just survived but it wanted more, you wanted more. You wanted to attach your mouth to his again and suck on it like your life depended on it.
You don’t remember what went through your mind, but then you said ‘I love you’ in a voice you hoped didn’t convey your disbelief that you had actually uttered them. As soon as they escaped you, you realized that it was true. You loved him. Even though you shouldn’t, you loved him. Even though it might be doomed, you loved him. And saying that out loud was so different from thinking it, or typing it on WhatsApp. It was overwhelming on its own. Giving someone the knowledge and power that you adored and cherished them more than they probably understand isn’t as good or bad as you think.
It just is. Love.
It is important to remember what happened next. You need to remember this part for the future. For on that day that you will question yourself, the day you will wonder why you ever made the trip from Onitsha to Owerri to see him, the day you will feel that strong will to cuss yourself for being so stupid and such a loser, the day it all doesn’t make sense. You need to remember, for this is the key. Like orgasm, this is why you sweat and grunt and make all those sacrifices.
To hear those words.
“I love you, too.”
It came out more like a husky whisper in his voice that is surprisingly deeper than he looks. But you believed it. And that is all that matters. That in that moment, at that point in time, he chose you.
He loved you.
In six months time, when he would finally get bored of you, when he would start feeling caged up and limited, it is important to remember that he had shared this kiss with you, that he had also said the words.
And it was all that mattered. For when the days are darkest, you grasp happiness anywhere you can, even if it’s from the failed love you once had.
Written by Uziel
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37 Comments
bruno
June 20, 06:39he loved you but got bored of you in six months. hmmmm.
Kenny
June 20, 07:14This took me back to the last time I was with an ex, I didn’t know it was going to be the last time but he knew and didn’t tell me only to give me the I’ve gotten married we can’t do this anymore speech on bbm. I would have savoured the last time with him if I knew…. *sighs heavily and stares into space*
Mandy
June 20, 07:53This piece is simply breathtaking. Makes you wanna find someone and kiss just so u can feel the sensations described here.
Dennis Macaulay
June 20, 08:31Come and sit on my lap and tell daddy all about it. Daddy makes everything go away
????
Canis VY Majoris
June 20, 09:06At the end of our lives, all we truly have are memories, so go out there and make the best ones. Even if it’s just for a moment in time.
Dickson Clement
June 20, 10:29If he says he loves you for the first time when you guys are fucking! It’s just the emotions talking…
posh6666
June 20, 10:54Or it might actually be true!Speaking frm a personal experience.
BeeJay
June 20, 11:07There is a difference between LOVE and INFATUATION -an entire world’s worth of it- Sounds to me like this is more of infatuation than love. *just saying*
Masked Man
June 21, 08:47No, it was love.
Khaleesi
June 20, 11:20Beautiful piece, an ex of mine always said ‘if someone or something made you happy even for just a brief moment in time,then you must never regret it’
Colossus
June 20, 14:29I agree. This is exactly what this piece is about, we shouldn’t live in regret. If you ever had happiness with anyone, no matter how brief, always cherish it.
Truth
June 20, 15:39You’re right Khaleesi, and even when we finally become mgms, we should forever cherish the good times we had with boys we could have ended up with and also fantasize about it, even when our wife is snoozing 2inches away.
what a wicked society.
IBK
June 20, 16:17Wait, what?
Colossus
June 20, 18:00Yes max, what a truly wicked world. Here is a post about cherishing beautiful memories, might not even be a kiss, could be the laughter of your kids, the bliss or turmoil of your marriage or the joy of friendship. You know, those things that when you look back on, you always cherish. It could be so many beautiful things on this blessed earth.
Find those memories max, leave the memories of that one MGM that broke your heart.
Live max, live!
Mandy
June 20, 21:22Ah Max, sweet sweet Max, challenging us with the Truth about MGM at all times, no matter what is the issue getting discussed. That married gay man really did a number on you.
Mr. Fingers
June 21, 16:23Lmao@ Live Max, live. Una no well for this blog oh. Hahaha.
Delle
June 20, 11:53Such riveting piece. Kissing is just more intimate than sex and I’m glad some people agree with me. It’s an art of it’s own. An expression thrusting alone cannot portray. Kisses, Uzzy.
OAN, why do the bottoms (versatiles sometimes) always have to write the romantic pieces. Why are most tops prudes? Why? They don’t moan during sex, they are hardly ever as emotionally attached as their partners and now, cannot pen romantic articles. If they want to, it’s either those wam-bam flingy types of nada. Mtcheew! Annoying.
Tiercel de Claron
June 20, 12:28Having some foot-in-the-mouth moments again,are you?
Delle
June 20, 23:43You? Pffts, I’d rather not. #ignored
Kenny
June 20, 12:53Delle, why, just why do you have to spew things like this? ? ?
Delle
June 20, 23:41Oh Kenny, but it’s true. Face it. Face the truth. It looks like I labelled and tagged and was a tad petty, but that doesn’t erase the truth in what I wrote. Oh well…
P.S: The moaning part was just me venting. Personal venting more or less. Lol
dabo
June 20, 18:58the truth is most tops in Nigeria haven’t fully accepted their self,they believe they’ll still marry a woman anyway, so why invest soo much in a relationship with a man,who you won’t be able to marry?…i call them “straight tops”..they don’t show emotions, don’t invest in relationships, don’t like femmes,if they’re dating a femme,they’ll never want to be seen with u in public, they have their main guys you will never get to know or know you. but despite all these,when they’re with u,they treat you with so much care,romance and love..it’s just a big confusing mess!
Mandy
June 20, 21:20Tops haven’t fully accepted themselves? They believe they’ll still marry women someday? All this exclusively for Tops?
Who wrecked you like this?
dabo
June 21, 06:38it’s not my fault you didn’t see the words “most tops” …or you just wan talk?
Pink Panther
June 21, 06:47No self acceptance and hoping to get married is not an affliction exclusive to tops. It’s an affliction most GAY men in Nigeria have. That was Mandy’s point, I think. You made it sound like Bottoms are just comfortably not having the same issues.
IBK
June 20, 16:18I wonder.. Just because something didn’t last does it mean it isn’t love? What’s the time frame for “love”. I’m asking the skeptics.
bruno
June 20, 16:42six months is the very definition of infatuation. love is not a superficial feeling that only stays for a couple of months.
Masked Man
June 21, 08:55So love is measured and bounded by time?
Evil Empress
June 20, 20:19Infatuation or Love…I can’t possibly say. Isn’t there a thin line BTW the 2??? Love is what we make of it…not the butterflies in ur belly..but I agree with @Khaleesi that if something made u happy even for the slightest minute…never regret being happy.
Brian Collins
June 21, 06:32My body is doing me ‘tininitanana’. Just watched the first battle or should I say beat down in GOT and I just had to come here and say something. Can’t wait for Deola’s review.
PS: Deola make sure you don’t go and start reading review or critics online first before you do your review of this week’s episode.
*going back to complete the episode*
Masked Man
June 21, 08:46Sigh!
It’s fine, okay! It was good while it lasted. Never seen you that happy before. But better days ahead.
Masked Man
June 21, 08:53Oh Delle, just read your comment about tops not being passionate enough. You were kidding, right? I’m yet to understand your connection of artistic expression and sexual roles.
And Dabo, ‘straight tops’, really?
Evil Empress
June 21, 09:00Infatuation
Is when u find someone absolutely perfect
Love
Is when you realise they aren’t perfect but it doesn’t matter
But what do I knw? Lol
Pink Panther
June 21, 13:24Makes sense. 🙂
Evil Empress
June 22, 09:57Thanks Pinky
Brian Collins
June 21, 17:40My dear, you seem to know a lot jare.
Evil Empress
June 22, 10:00Lol…Ikr #ConceitedMuch