AN ACE UP YOUR SLEEVE

Hello KD, it’s Dandie, your favorite asexual again.

Last year, I penned my story (Am I Queering Wrong?) where I talked about my struggle with relationships as an asexual in a community so sex-driven, and I felt encouraged by the feedback and how some of readers reached out personally to me. For that, I am truly grateful.

And now, I have come a year later to give you an update on my life as a Nigerian asexual.

In the past year, I have observed some interesting things.

Firstly, it has become obvious to me that there are so few asexuals around. I literally don’t know any other openly ace person, even in the community. I took a reader’s advice and followed LGBT groups on social media, and following that, I have been up to date on certain issues and met a few people. But I haven’t met an ace person. Not once.

Secondly, many people, even in the community, don’t know that aces exist. When I get hit on by studs, I have to explain to them that I’m not actually gay, and they give me this doubting look, like I’m an imposter. Like they’re thinking, ‘If you aren’t gay or bi, why are you in the community?’

So the question ‘Am I queering wrong?’ has become ‘Am I queer enough?’

Third, dating is hard. Being a sex-neutral ace shortens your list of potential partners drastically. Being an introvert even makes it worse. And funny enough, I’m a hopeless romantic and I want love and family and all that nine yards. But how can I get all that when sex comes as part of the deal for most relationships?

I’ve grown a lot since last year. I can now say I know other queer people, which is a win for me. I earlier mentioned joining LGBT groups and following social media pages, which has helped with my knowledge of queer issues and in improving my social circle. One of those groups was a telegram group chat where I met a guy who turned out to be staying close to where I reside. I have a gender neutral name; I have to mention that because I think he gave me his phone number, sent his picture and asked to meet up, believing I was a guy. I got the feeling he was disappointed when he found out I am a girl. The conversation basically died that same day.

All of a sudden, months later, he messaged me, saying he had someone for me, a lesbian who lived close by. I was startled by this. Like, ‘Excuse me, sir, what blue moon did you emerge from with this proposal?’ I asked him whether this lesbian was looking for a serious relationship and he said yes.

Now, I have no problem dating women. My ex is a woman. But it would be naive to enter a relationship nowadays and expect the other person to be celibate or uninterested in sex as I am. I had to tell him that I am asexual and not looking for sex. I don’t think he understood me because he sent my number to her anyway.

(Frustrated sigh of exhaustion)

Hours later, she hit me up. As we chatted, I told her I am asexual. She didn’t know what it meant. I explained it to her. She still seemed confused. I told her up front that we did not have anything in common, because I was genuinely not interested in whatever this was. This woman got mad at me and blocked me. I was indifferent, yet amused.

This was not the first, second or tenth time I have had to explain to someone what it means to be ace, even having to send YouTube videos because I got tired of talking too much.

Sometimes I feel aces are not even part of the community because the visibility is so low. I’ve gotten questions in response to my description of asexuality like, “Have you had sex?”, “That’s just celibacy”, “You can still kiss, right?”, “What if it’s a medical condition?” – some of these said to me in an amused, dismissive tone. That’s why I had to wonder if I was queer enough to even claim to be LGBT, if other queer people couldn’t fathom or understand what I am. (To be fair though, a lot of those questions come from heterosexual people too).

An ace Instagram page I follow usually posts silly questions that aces are often asked, and while it was funny back when I started following the page, it doesn’t feel funny now that I am getting asked the same questions repeatedly by people I thought would understand me.

On the positive side, weeks before I wrote this, a friend of mine who knows I’m ace told me she’d started questioning her sexuality and thinks she might be ace too. So that was a win.

Like I said before, I’m a hopeless romantic and I want a family in the future, but honestly, the dream feels out of reach. I haven’t dated anyone since my ex and I’ve gotten very comfortable (maybe a little too cozy) in my single-pringle lifestyle at this point. It seems so impossible to meet someone who’s genuine, smart and not trying to sleep with you. (For the record, not all aces are uncomfortable with sex. That’s just my own view).

I’d still like to meet other Nigerians with all the labels (and non-labels). I’m even drafting a script for a web series about Nigerian university life where three of the four main characters are queer. I want better representation for us because I’m tired of seeing “homosexuality is a western influence” online. I want us to tell our stories and educate the masses. I want to see an ace person on TV who’s not interested in sex, not because they are celibate or because they’ve suffered a traumatic experience or because something is wrong with them, but because they simply aren’t.

What do y’all think? Am I now queering right?

Written by Dandie