Dear KD: Am I Queering Wrong?

Dear KD: Am I Queering Wrong?

So, I don’t know how I went from reading about Timothée Chalamet to landing on Kito Diaries, but I’m glad I did. The stories here are funny and sad and enlightening at best.

I am part of the community, asexual to be exact, and it was refreshing to see a collection of queer Nigerian stories.

The reason it is refreshing is because there seems to be a whole world of sex and excitement and hookups for queers in Nigeria, whether closeted or not.

That is, except me.

I think maybe my life is dull because I am introverted and don’t make friends easily, but come on. Even people with the nastiest attitudes are getting laid and meeting people.

And how do queer people know that others are queer? I thought about dating other girls at one point, but then the dilemma of finding out which girl would be interested was mind-bending. So I gave up.

But I did date a girl once before. We were in a regular lesbian relationship, but on account of me being ace, we didn’t have sex. She was manipulative and often suicidal, so I carried it in my head that I had to love her, that my love was what she needed to stop being sad. It didn’t work obviously, and she found another girl she liked. I found out (through much coercion) that she had slept in the same bed with this girl and touched her bra strap.

“That’s all,” she told me. But by my standards, she basically had an affair. (Call me a prude if you want. I take intimacy very seriously)

So yeah, we broke up. I wasn’t really attracted to her or in love with her, but I loved her enough to comfort her when she was sad, which was all the time. And I liked that she liked me, which is horrible, I know.

She could still be sad now, but I try not to think about it. She was my first kiss (well, she kissed me while I was asleep, so she basically mouth-raped me, lol).

So yeah, reading stories about heartbreaks and dating on various sites like Kito Diaries makes me wonder why my life feels like nothing is happening. I am openly asexual and support LGBTQI rights, and so, I wonder why I’m not meeting other queer people. Is there something I should do about it? Because, it can feel pretty lonely, knowing that there could be other people in the community around me, whilst you I am over here, keeping up boring, faked conversations with straight people.

I’m not even interested in sex, but I couldn’t get it if I wanted to. Either my gaydar is broken or hardly used, because it seems to not be working. I literally don’t know another queer person in real life. (Well except my ex, but I prefer to pretend she doesn’t exist). Besides her, not a single soul.

So, what is it? Am I getting this whole queer thing wrong?

Written by Dandie

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  1. Dee
    July 06, 09:47 Reply

    Hello Dandie, you aren’t getting the queer thing wrong. Being queer is being different, and it may be used loosely as a sexual orientation or an umbrella term. So, you, my dear, are very queer.

    You mentioned you are an introvert, this might contribute to meeting fewer people offline, but you definitely can meet more queer people online and form a connection. Spaces like clubhouse and Twitter are rife with queer folks. You wouldn’t run out of options if you looked there. If you needed something more feisty, then tinder might work. And, we too here at KD are available (I’d like to think so). I hope this helps?


    • Dandie
      July 12, 18:21 Reply

      Thank you so much. I’ll try Clubhouse. As per Buhari has banned Twitter. Or maybe I’ll finally download a VPN. Thanks again

  2. SideEye
    July 06, 14:42 Reply

    First, thank you for the cute write-up, some parts made me chuckle :).
    If it’s any consolation, I was in a very similar situation for most of my life, at least up until I was 24 years old. Now, I’m 31 and currently going through my whore phase and not hating it.
    So, I’d say you’re are starting to do something right, coming on to kitodiaries is a great first step.

    • SideEye
      July 06, 14:43 Reply

      By the way … I am/was not Asexual, just for full clarity 🙂

  3. trystham
    July 06, 15:28 Reply

    Asexual, plus introvert…boya you chose the life of a hermit when you were coming into this world😂😂😂
    See ehn, the only usefulness of the gaydar is to identify other gay people in real life, and whatever they say here and anywhere, that shii don’t work. It will only get you into trouble in this Nigeria.
    You’ve been advised to try queer spaces on twitter. Good stuff. You even managed to send in a message. Follow up by following KD on SM and the people who they follow. Even if you decide to be an introvert, you’d still be able to keep up wí h convos that affect queer people. Who knows? One day you would just blurt your anger and destroy your long-standing career of introvertedness

    • Dandie
      July 12, 18:23 Reply

      😅😅I’m kukuma a hermit before.

  4. Symile
    July 07, 17:41 Reply

    Dear try to reach out to people but becareful about the so called Tinder so that you won’t fall into wrong hands…. you can reach out to me on whatsapp

    • Dandie
      July 12, 18:24 Reply

      I’d love to talk to you. How do I contact you?

  5. Candybabi
    July 09, 23:41 Reply

    I understand you and I know where you coming from because am also in the same boat as you just try to always go to queer gathering. Am an introvert and Asexual too but once in awhile i go to queer gathering even if I don’t talk there I get to meet someone and the circle grows.

    • Dandie
      July 12, 18:27 Reply

      You’re ace too? It’s like it’s just the two of us in this Nigeria.
      That’s the thing. I don’t even know about any queer gatherings because I don’t know any queer people. Some LGBT Instagram pages sometimes post events, but they’re always in a different state or online.

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