AS I LIVE: 3 (Unexpected Beautiful)
I am excited. I want to say something, write something, but I lack the right words. Not that I don’t have a good lexicon; I just feel like words can’t really describe what I want to say. It would be better if I sat down with each reader, maybe over a drink, and really talk to them.
I’m dedicating this entry to a specific group of people. It’s not for all positive people, but for those who have given up on love, true friendship, companionship, a future with the one you love. If you fall into this category, I hope you see the flare I’m shooting into the sky with this piece. Just hang in there.
Now, about Jesse… I have said there is a lot to the story.
I have explained the circumstances that surrounded our meeting. There are a couple of reasons why I shouldn’t have chatted with him that day, and reasons why I should have met him. But if I hadn’t chatted with him that day, I wouldn’t have met him. If I didn’t meet him, we wouldn’t have had lunch. If we didn’t have lunch that day, I wouldn’t have realised we are alike in a number of ways. If I didn’t know we are alike that much, maybe I wouldn’t have laughed at his jokes. If I hadn’t laughed at his jokes, I wouldn’t have stared into his eyes every now and then.
I did stare though. Funny, he noticed how hard I was staring.
Jesse stands over 6ft tall. He has this dark skin. Not the Ghanaian black skin, but the Idris-Elba-kind-of-black skin. It is soft and silky; touching it feels cake, moist chocolate cake. He has a slender build; he isn’t skinny or muscular. The part of him however that throws me off balance is his eyes. Jesse’s eyes are something else. I lack words to describe what I see in his eyes. He has the brownest, beautifulest eyes I’ve ever seen.
It is clear I like Jesse, and I just can’t imagine he could like me back, because I think he is out of my league. When our lunch is over, we stay and converse about a lot of things. We never get bored. We just bounce from one topic to the other. I find myself enjoying every second I sit across him and see him smile, observing how his eyes lights up with the smile. We do not know when nighttime falls over the world without and we have to leave. Jesse leaves for Lagos the following day. He has finished the business that brought him to town. I don’t show how bad I feel, because everything is happening too fast. We keep in touch while he was away, and somehow it is like he never left, because we talk every day. We talk about everything; we break our sorrows as communion and drink our joys as wine.
Jesse: You almost undressed me with your eyes today…lol. I sensed impure thoughts.
Me: lol…sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Didn’t know I was staring that hard.
Jesse: Its aii, hon. I had undressed you with my eyes first. If we were out of the country, I would have kissed you.
Me: lol…just kissing? Don’t go all modest on me now.
Jesse: Lmao. Of course, I would love to toss your salad, if we are both ready to go there. But I would appreciate your friendship more.
Me: You want just friendship?
Jesse: I want friendship and sex…if you will have me.
Me: I want the same, hon. You know I do. But I can’t.
Jesse: I respect your decision. But can I ask why?
Me: It’s no news how I feel about you, but sex could complicate things, emotions could get involved and one of us could get hurt.
Jesse: I feared you were going to say that.
Me: But that’s not all. A few months ago I tested positive to HIV, and I won’t forgive myself if I harmed you.
Jesse: Aww. I’m so sorry, hon. Hope your’re okay?
Me: Yeah I am. No pity please.
Jesse: Ok. I myself I’m not sure of my status, I have done risky things in the past and I need to check. And I need you to know this changes nothing. I care about you a lot, I just need you to know that. Okay? Miss you a lot.
Me: Ok hon, miss you more. I could get the test kits if you want. I have a friend I can get them from. Just let me know when you’re coming around.
Jesse: Ok. Please do, dear.
As time goes on, I grow to like Jesse more and I get excited that I am going to see him again. He comes around a few days later and I test him myself. He turns out negative. This and the fact that I like him, more so every day, only make it harder. We chat until it is time to go. He asks for the bathroom and I show it to him. He signals for me to go inside with him, and I do. He draws me close to him and kisses me. I freeze in shock. I feel he is crazy. He stops when he notices I am not kissing him back. He looks with understanding at me, his expression revealing how well he knows my fears. I had told him I was never going to forgive myself if anything happened to him. Jesse tells me he’s going to stay away, as he wouldn’t want to put me in that position. Then he leaves. I cry. I want Jesse, and at the same time, I don’t. But no matter how I feel, nothing is changed between us.
It is weekend, so Jesse and I decide to hang out. We go to see Ant-man, which had just premiered. We take the back seats at the far edge of the room, and get comfortable with popcorn. Several minutes into the movie, Jesse grabs my hand. I turn and look at him. He stares at me for a few seconds, and then he smiles at me. With all the uncertainty of what this is, I smile back.
Eventually, the movie is over, and we have dinner. Then I accompany him home. I intend to spend a few more time with him before I go home. He showers while I watch TV. He dresses up in the bathroom, maybe in a bid to not turn me on. He comes out in white polo and baggy shorts, and asks if I am ready to go. He stands by the door as I walk toward it, toward him. I stop at the door. I turn and catch his eyes on me. I lean forward and kiss him. He puts his arms around me and kisses me back. It is different this time. I don’t feel fear. All I feel are butterflies, unicorns and rainbows. I relax in him and let him lead. His lips ravage mine, causing shivers to run up and down my spine. I close my eyes and hold on to this dream.
Jesse lifts me up, and takes me back from the door to the bed. He puts me down on it and lies beside me. We break the kiss to stare at each other for a while. Then I ask him if he is sure about this. He says yes, and then kisses me on my forehead, as if to punctuate his certainty. My lips are next. He combs through my mouth like he is extracting honey from them. I hold on so tight, never wanting to let him go. He unbuttons my shirt. As he does so, I look into his eyes, searching for fear or doubt. I find none. Jesse is crazy, I tell myself. I can see that now.
He stands up to get condoms, and with the absence of his warming presence right next to me, I feel the cold clutch of fear again. I ask him again if he is sure. He doesn’t respond. He returns to my side and simply kisses me, until the fear leaves. I check the condom for its expiry date as he puts it on. Oh, did I mention Jesse is cute – as in, cute below the waist? Well, he is really, really blessed! He sits with his back against the wall, and I kneel, facing him. He holds my waist and guides me as I sit gently astride him. I close my eyes as I feel every inch of him go up inside. I want all of him inside me. He holds on to me, with his head resting on my chest. I kiss his forehead as he gently lifts his waist, beginning the rhythm, up and down, thrusting slowly.
As his lovemaking progresses, with my eyes shut, everything becomes clearer to me. I begin to see. I see the future. I see trees waving gently in the summer breeze and I see birds gliding through the skies. I see rainbows, dropping into the horizon of the beach, and I see the waves crashing against the rocks with an unmistakable symphony. Then I see Jesse. I see him, I look into him. He has wings, and he is naked with the wings, just standing before me. Then I open my eyes. I catch his eyes on me. He is there in my arms, gently polishing his sword in my armoury, looking into my eyes, reaching into my soul the entire time.
Written by Bobby
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32 Comments
Chuck
October 30, 07:33“Love” after one meeting? So many people are eager to force things when there isn’t much there. I hope if things go south you won’t claim that gays can’t date or love. This is a one night stand masquerading as something more.
Tiercel de Claron.
October 30, 10:47Aha,our resident killjoy.
I’d wondered what happened to your hide of late,you’ve been scarce.
Chuck
October 30, 16:18Lol, how can the truth be a killjoy? I’ve been busy, so your propaganda has probably been able to masquerade as truth for a while.
P.S. did Bobby tell this Jesse fellow about his status? It wasn’t clear from the story above.
Sinnex
October 30, 16:28“Me: But that’ s not all . A few months ago I tested
positive to HIV , and I won ’ t forgive myself if I harmed
you .
Jesse : Aww . I ’ m so sorry , hon. Hope your’ re okay?”
E be like say you no sabi read or you just decided to ignore that part.
Pink Panther
October 30, 17:19LOL! Sinnex, for this alone, you’re a darling.
Mandy
October 30, 17:30Hahahahahahaa! Touché, Sinnex.
Chuck
October 30, 18:51I did not see that part. But I see say dem don teach you how to read and write
Tiercel de Claron.
October 31, 09:04You don’t normally see past your nose,is what.
Max
October 30, 16:44I missed you Chuk ???.
Ueze
October 30, 07:42Too filling of a feeling to be painful,
I must be reading all the wrong stuff!
Zage
October 30, 07:55This post is just confusing biko
Mandy
October 30, 17:29Take some Xanax and then come back to read it. Perhaps you’d understand it then.
simba
October 30, 08:48Hallelujah our Bobby is living in the now..and getting his ass fucked… pls continue living in the present..enjoy every moment of it.. love is love and can go sour for anybody regarding of status … enjoy Bobby
Delle
October 30, 08:53There’s something off about this post o. Wait, it’s meant to be an erotica ryt? (maybe a soft one tho). Anyway, there really is something so unstimulating about a HIV+ patient and one that is negative…something.
Abeg I tire 4 dis post jawe
Chizzie
October 30, 09:34I think its safe to agree that there’s a kind of black that is unflattering eg the Ghanaian black, as Bobby pointed out and the Viola Davis black.
Would Bobby have found Idris appealing if he were as black as Viola Davis or the stereotypical Ghanaian? Probably not.
So there you go folks. Black isn’t always beautiful. Tone up today.
Chizzie
October 30, 09:40Sorry Jesse jare not Idris
ronniephoenix
October 30, 09:51You are so hilarious
Francis
October 30, 19:06You don begin promote bleeching for here too? ????
PETROVICH
October 30, 10:05At last….Sombori shout halleluyah for Bobby. I hope this relationship last long oooo….I’m seriously hoping.
KryxxX
October 30, 11:26Hmmn…..
All I care about right now is d difference btw Ghanaian black and Idris Elba black?
I’d really like to know.
#50ShadesOfBlack
Fleek
October 30, 11:45I think at the end of the day, there is love for every one irrespective of status. Lets take a look at Kenny Badmus.
It makes me want to fall in love again but then again with whom?
#thesearetheissues. #Firsttimecommenter.
Sinnex
October 30, 14:35Ahan…
Na wa you guys oooo…
Just last week you guys were feeling bad for him…
Now he had found love and you all are complaining.
As if y’all want him to end up alone, sad and miserable.
I don’t see anything wrong with this post jare. Everything is as clear as the noon day sky…except there is something you guys are not saying.
Max
October 30, 16:54I don’t see anything wrong with this or anything else. I think everyone should take a breather please!!. Chances are, you’ve probably slept with a HIV positive person before and is still sleeping with one now. Lack of exposure and irrational fear makes people jumpy about HIV. You’re much safer having sex with someone who you know is positive and is taking their meds than you are with some random hookup or boyfriend who you’re just assuming is negative. Assumption is bad!!.
Get your heads out of your asses people, most of us don’t ask of HIV status before having sex because we assume the other party is negative. Wrong!!!. Newsflash, they’re not all negative, a good number of them are positive.
someone I care about deeply recently revealed his status to me and nothing has changed about my feelings for him!!.
Its all in your heads!!. As long as you’re not barebacking and not bleeding in your mouth, and he’s also taking his meds, you’re fine!!. You’ll should stop this HIv stigma because some of you here on this blog will probably get the virus during your lifetime and you’ll see what it feels like to be on the other side of the argument.
Mandy
October 30, 17:33Beautiful entry today, Bobby.
I like that ending part especially.
‘I begin to see. I see the future. I see trees waving gently in the summer breeze and I see birds gliding through the skies. I see rainbows, dropping into the horizon of the beach, and I see the waves crashing against the rocks with an unmistakable symphony. Then I see Jesse. I see him, I look into him. He has wings, and he is naked with the wings, just standing before me.’
When sex can give you all those epiphanies, Omo, the guy with the D is a keeper. Hold him, dearie, latch on tight to that Jesse.
JustJames
October 30, 17:34Can’t see anywhere where Bobby claimed he’s in love sha
Pink Panther
October 30, 17:45All he did was have good sex with a good man. Dazzal.
bobby
October 31, 01:48james bless you…you smart!
Rev: Hot
October 30, 17:56Oh boy see love making…… Bobby you can describe oooooooo….. Some people here will just say ‘he enter me. I scream. It’s too big. I die’ but all that your rainbow shii had me wishing…. Carry on & Keep on living your life to the fullest…
Chizzie
October 30, 18:04PP thanks for deleting Tef’s sewage of a comment.
And hello Chuck, glad to have you back.
Pink Panther
October 30, 18:40Sewage of a comment.
Lol.
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Francis
October 30, 19:09Bobby na you biko. I hope it lasts. People like Jesse dey hard to find. Reminds of some men in my clinic that choose to stay with their positive wives despite all the interference of family relatives (winches)
Temi Cole
October 30, 21:12Wow! That’s a really good guy you have o! I hope it works out for the both of you! Fingers crossed!