Beautifully Unfinished
… I go shoot my shot ti o, Joro / So Joro baby take my number (take my number) / Baby you can call me later (call me later) / Me I want to be your lover (be your lover) / Oh baby call me later (Call me later)…
It started some years ago, with a “Hello” from him, with me responding with a “Hi”.
From that moment forward, together, we existed only to make fun of one another, constantly looking for comebacks, attacking with sarcasm and throwing wit into every conversation. I bullied him… My god! I mean, I wasn’t called “Trouble” by a certain someone from my past for the fun of it. I’d earned the name – with stripes and medals adorning my neck. I was trouble personified. Still am.
I would call him names.
Ask questions I already knew the answers to.
Made impossible demands just so I’d hear him grouse and growl.
I embodied wahala.
And he never hesitated to let me know I was exhausting.
But I did all these just for one reason: I liked him.
Then we met. And I could literarily see emotions swimming in his eyes. He tried to contain himself, but every now and then, something slipped. And for an older guy, he was shy, too embarrassed to give a straight answer when I asked certain questions – no, he wasn’t being deceitful, he was simply shy.
The chemistry was a ghen-ghen suntin!
Then Christmas came, and I was advised by my mother to take the risk and let him know how I truly felt about him. She said, “If he likes you as much as you like him, you’ll glow. If he doesn’t, you’ll know where you stand and it’ll be for the best.”
I decided to shoot my shot. If I had known, I’d have jejely clamped up and kept on pining for him in my secret place. But mba o, I had to heed the advice of the wisest person in my life.
Dude had his bulletproof vest on and the thing went Skrrrrr kpa! Shot bounced back and hit me like a brick to the head, a boomerang to the heart, and a slap to my ears.
I cried oh!
I locked myself up in the restroom, put the toilet seat down and cried for thirty minutes.
I called Mae, my closest friend to tell her that my shot had backfired. Before I knew what was happening, she sent some cash into my akkant to buy two buckets of ice cream, chocolates and a bottle of cheap wine to drown myself in (Hollywood, wehdone!), as she wasn’t around to get me out of my funk.
When I finally came out of the funk many, many hours later, I spoke with another friend and he said to me, “Cut him off totally if it’ll give you your sanity back.” I almost heeded the advice, but I realised one thing: He never led me on. So why punish him because he’s into someone else and not me?
This brings me to why this piece was penned. I wasn’t sure what the issue was, why he wasn’t into me, if I’d gotten everything wrong at some point, if all was an assumption from my end. I had lots of whys and ifs. I still do.
But one conclusion I came to was: SHOOTING YOUR SHOT IS A RISKY AFFAIR!
Now, if a guy won’t commit, he most likely will not tell you to your face that he likes you but just doesn’t like you enough.
He might like spending time with me, doing all my favourite things with me, but doesn’t want to commit because he likes me… But just doesn’t like me enough.
He probably loved the conversations we had. He probably had emotions swimming in his head the first time he saw me. His heart probably leaped when I touched him – and not in a sexual way. But he still liked me… He just didn’t like me enough.
I most likely paid attention to the things I wanted to see, hear or even feel, and ditched everything that remotely did not align with reality and future. I might have also cherished and basked in the cryptic scraps of attention he showered me with and used them as evidence that the chemistry between us sizzled and glistened with deep connection on a spiritual level.
But I learnt.
I learnt that it’s okay to have my feelings not reciprocated. I learnt that it’s absolutely fine to feel the crushing pain when the one whose voice made my heart do the Zumba said, “I like someone else.” I learnt that it’s okay not to be the match for someone. And I learnt that even after all I went through growing up, love isn’t a myth, and a gay relationship is not a folktale. If you don’t believe in either one, that is your prerogative. But don’t ruin it for those who believe it exists, even if some of us will never find it. It’s not that hard. You wear your curtina, let me wear my kito sandals.
Here’s another truth. Love might be staring at you right in the face. Another Love might be in your sokoto but what you actually need might still be in Sokoto, waiting for his bus to fill up.
Don’t settle.
And while you’re waiting, Live!
Written by Vhar
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17 Comments
Black Dynasty
January 21, 07:29Aww hmm, unrequited love hurts like a bitch! But alas the heart wants what it wants and cannot be forced.
It is well though, someday you’ll find the one where it is mutual.
Bloom
January 21, 08:46This is beautiful.
KryxxX
January 21, 08:55‘Cause every time I’m with you
Somehow I forget to breathe
You got me like a rag doll
Now I’m dancing on your string
And I keep trying to figure out who you are to me
But maybe all that we were meant to be
Is beautifully unfinished.
Beautifully unfinished – Ella Henderson ? ?.
KingB
January 21, 09:00Damn, I can relate to this.
Delle
January 21, 10:53“I almost heeded the advice, but I realised one thing: He never led me on. So why punish him because he’s into someone else and not me?”
And just like that, I’ll be going to unblock Kodii.
Sigh, this is so hard but too true. It’s painful to love someone, especially when you thought it to be mutual, and find out you’ve been on a lone ride.
But I’ll unblock him.
On another note entirely, “Before I knew what was happening, she sent some cash into my akkant to buy two buckets of ice cream, chocolates and a bottle of cheap wine to drown myself in (Hollywood, wehdone!), as she wasn’t around to get me out of my funk”
Mitch, Bloom, can y’all see!? ???
Dazz how to be a friend. I’m tired of collecting online tissues from both of you ?
Sens8
January 21, 13:01Wasn’t that his Mama?!!???
Omiete
January 21, 22:35Delle I tried to get in touch with you but PP won’t allow me to be great. Can you get across to me
Delle
January 21, 23:02Lol. Okay, I’ll just ask PP for your email and then send a message across to you.
Delle
January 21, 23:18He says you should send him a message.
Bain
January 21, 11:06And I thought we had a lot of things in common.
Complete opposites, the both of us.
JBoy
January 21, 11:24Awwww!???
So Swèet, Really Relatable…Too True.
Purple
January 21, 13:31‘While you are waiting LIVE’ That spoke to me!
BRYAN PETERS
January 21, 20:31Wonderful piece. Very inspiring with quite a lot of truths
Tiercel de Claron
January 21, 20:43A nice piece
boniface
January 21, 23:26finding true love is quiet sickening
Manach
January 22, 10:31You don’t say.
The fault may well lie with you,you know
Tobee
January 21, 23:42Like!