BEN’S DILEMMA
Ok, before we dive in, I would like to say that my life was not always as fucked up as I’m about to narrate to you. I was my dad’s favourite – hell, I still am. But things tend to get harder as we grow, just like my dad’s love for me. I come from what you’d describe as a fucked-up, dysfunctional family (although I’d like to think the traditional Nigerian family would pass as dysfunctional). My family is so fucked-up, you’d love to hear all about it. But I’m not writing to unburden myself about them.
I will like to describe myself as someone with multiple personalities and blame my zodiac sign (Gemini) for that. But deep down, I know I subconsciously created these personalities to mask myself. It was about the age of 7 that I knew had a thing for boys, although at that time, I didn’t know what it meant to be gay. I remember the day I had my first and only kiss with a girl. It was at that age. Seven. She was a very close friend and we were supposedly acting a play. The cast of this blockbuster drama starred me as the husband, she was the wife and her fine brother was our son. The script contained a scene where my wife and I would be under the sheets and our son would be at school. That was the scene where I grabbed my first kiss. We were under the sheets kissing, and the actual madam of the house – her mother – was in the next room folding clothes. We’d sent our “son” to go distract his biological mom while we made out. Her lips were succulent and we were inexperienced, so there was a lot of spit, but luckily no biting. I don’t know why, but during our hot and non-hormonal session, I almost asked my “son” to come join us. I wasn’t feeling the kiss at all, and at a point, it began to feel like a chore. If I was ever asked when I first knew I was gay, this would be the story. I never kissed anyone again till I was 17, and this time, it was a guy who was way older than me.
Growing up, I was teased with a lot of names and I used to care up until a point, I was like “Fuck it, people are always going to say what they want.” But all those taunts left their mark in me. In Junior Secondary, my mates would tease me over my effeminacy because of how high my voice sounded and my curvy derriere which, according to them, shook like a girl’s whenever I walked. I remember how I always tried to make my voice thick and change my gait in order to escape these taunts. (Now though, my voice has deepened and I have grown so tall, so none of these things bother me much.) I tried so hard to change what they said about me that I constantly went in and out of depression. I guess that experience made me very good at “acting straight”. Boy, you wouldn’t know I’m gay unless I wanted you to.
Recently I’ve been struggling with living. You can hide who you are for so long. I’m frequently depressed and I read a piece that said that depression can be managed by writing. That’s where I got the motivation to write this piece. I think I have internalized homophobia and I’m so scared of people finding out who I really am. So oftentimes, when I get depressed, I push people away until something pulls me out of the darkness. My social life keeps fluctuating from hundred to ten, and sometimes, I feel like a sadist. I recently left a relationship (my first), my family issues keep getting worse and it doesn’t help that I’m in the university where I’m supposed to be living my best life but I’m having a sexuality crisis. I am caught in a conflict of hope for the future when I watch all these gay couples on Youtube (big shout-out to Tarek Ali; huge fan here) and despair over the fact that every gay guy I meet just wants sex, making it difficult to see where this journey of my homosexuality is leading to.
When I say I’m having a sexuality crisis, I mean I believe I’m gay but I often wonder if maybe I’m bisexual – or perhaps even straight. Sometimes I watch straight and lesbian porn and I’m turned on for real. It’s so confusing and sometimes it just makes me feel like going through the stress of being gay in Nigeria isn’t worth it when I can just be straight. I mean, the evidence is in how I react to the porn, right? But then, I think about how it may be a facade or me trying to convince myself of my nonexistent heterosexuality, and everything just keeps viciously recycling itself.
I am constantly in a state of dilemma, and through it all, I search for something that’ll make living worth it.
Written by Ben
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14 Comments
Tise's BK
October 03, 07:15I’m not the right person for this but do you have to conform to a label?
I watch a ton of gay porn and sometimes straight porn where I see red from the babe getting penised. The vagina occassionally turns me on. I’m fluid as it goes. I’ve pounded ass. I’ve pounded vagina and sometimes I’ve had my ass pounded. I’m fine with no sticking to any label. It works for me. You may want to try it.
Mandy
October 03, 08:23I want to understand one thing. You said you get disheartened by how every gay guy wants to have sex, and yet you walked out on your relationship. I guess I’m struggling to understand your despair when you had the very thing you seem to think nobody wants in the gay community and yet you threw it away.
Sage Philip
October 03, 09:29Atleast you love Tarek Ali…
Rexy
October 03, 13:50Hello you!! Breathe baby!!!!!
Love whoever that is you right now, that way you can gradually take care of the battles facing you. But if you go on beating yourself how do you beat your problems….
You are amazing and you need to know that, the petty challenges we face should never choke us to death. I really wish I can get in touch with you dear. I’ve been there and I know how shitty it feels.
trystham
October 03, 17:20Lol. I like how your confusion is clothed ‘dilemma’. You are complaining about gay relationships being all about sex, yet u can’t not stop thinking sex is all about sexuality because u get turned on by both gay and straight porn???…u will be fine. Sha leave being Gemini out of all of this
Linx
October 03, 19:07Dear Ben,
Your case couldn’t hv been more similar to mine!.. I got a girlfriend just to “hide” but it was a sham even b4 I started …I will like us to taLk tho …thT is if u are up for it
U can ask pp
???
Linx
October 03, 19:08And I love Jay-den gay couple too!!
Mancho
October 04, 09:24I think most gay men have been where you’re right now but truth be told, it doesn’t get easier especially in our society which does not readily accept differences. Especially sexual orientation. Keep writing and learn to trust someone well enough to talk to him face to face about what you’re going through inside; it must not be a gay person. More strength to you.
Patrick
October 04, 22:49Being turned on by straight porn isn’t necessarily an indication of latent heterosexuality. I watch straight porn because I’m attracted to the man, never the woman. Some straight women like gay porn too. So you’d want to check what exactly attracts you in straight porn.
Regarding your debilitating fear of being found-out, I empathize with you. I’m ashamed to say that even after leaving Nigeria, I still experience some form of the fear. Channel all your focus into completing your education and being independent. It gets better from there on.
But please, don’t allow your depression reach a critical level.❤
Mike
October 05, 08:42Whilst you are searching for something worth living for, why don’t you just live first. Been there I think my case is even worst, cause nobody would believe I am gay, I stopped acting straight a long time ago, but flamboyant gay ain’t my thing either.
You don’t search for what is worth living, you just live it, by it meaning your life.
It is your life, the sum totality of your unique experiences, that eventually becomes that which is what living for,the quality of your soul, Buddha would say.
“The weight of your soul, against life itself”
Have I lived, if yes, then have I lived my best life. Have I loved, if yes, have I loved truly.
“I kissed a boy” is an experience, if you don’t let yourself kiss a boy, it would never become an experience.
Another thing is sexuality, is not a clear cut thing, it’s a spectrum, meaning very easy to tumble into the next color/variant. We all have a little gay and straight tendencies in us, at the end what counts is probably what feels more natural or effortless.
” Sex is with a woman is like emptying the dishwasher, if someone offers to do it, o can’t complain” quote from why women kill.
For me the above sums up the whole of sexuality.
hell I have gone gone a whole 2 month wanking to straight porn not because I wanted to be straight but some about a lady just clicked, and I haven’t felt that in years, since secondary so I choose to explore it, I have gone 6 month being straight up straight, not acting just, changing the sexual recipe, cause I was bored and like you depressed, mostly cause I was alone and couldn’t find anybody worth dating. Sex is easy finding meaning in another person’s existence is really fucking hard, and I wanted that, someone I am turned on by and yet still emotional attached too. A lady with the right ass and body massage would turn me on, emotional attachment zero.
Mehn come out of that funk, live like all is right, it’s a mental trick, cause your mind/brain can actually not differentiate between the impulses it is getting, what that means rejection is rejection,
Somebody turning you down, would somehow be linked to how you were rejected as a child, that drama is a mind thing,
rejection is negative. At times like this it would be very hard to stay objective vias you being depressed. and be yourself. Forget what people will say, surprisingly that has never been my problem, I realized early two things.
“People don’t really know what they want”. “Very few people are worth the stress”.
My father is not even worth the stress, not to talk of the next bypasser down the street.
Nobody is asking you to wear a weavon down the street, but if it’s your thing then just do it. Cause currently now in your life you’re attracting the wrong person’s, because you are not being yourself. Learn this, “no matter how you choose to appear you can never be right for everybody,if you like be macho or be effiminate” that’s why it is very important to find the right persons that matches your awesomeness. Very important.
but mehn live, cause life is too short, that’s why you should live responsibly. Let the worst that can be said about you be ” he is gay” not that you’re a thief or a bad human.
You are depressed not because you are gay or think you’re straight neither is it a geminic thing, as pro anti geminic I should know, you guys a emotionally heartless and surface individual. So it’s not a geminic thing. Forgive the generalization, all of my teenage crushes are geminic, magnetic fellas, terrible soul.e dey pain me.
It is a feeling and a need, a deep rooted realization that you are not living, and life is passing you by.
Your life will eventually become that which is worth living, if you give it a chance. you just have to live it first
Dr_C
October 06, 12:07Hmmmmm…the greatest fuel to depression is social isolation.
You are already isolated from your family, and you don’t have friends who you can draw support from.
My one cent, thus, work on reducing how socially isolated you are..by actually looking for supporting friendships (rare but available still) in the gay community, if you tried to look beyond the sex narrative that most gay persons come with. Look for the very few who have value to add….with time you will find, build it up and then take it from there.
Dimkpa
October 06, 13:12I do sympathize with you. If I may offer some thoughts on your situation, I would say you need to accept yourself as a gay man or bisexual man first. You need to say that shit out loud “I am gay!” Or bisexual. Say it to yourself every morning till you actually believe it.
Watching straight porn doesn’t make you straight. I used to watch it and you could take away the woman there and I wouldn’t notice. I stopped because the guy was never shown. I have recently found straight porn made for the gay man. SG4GE, you might want to check it out.
The point I want to make though is that your dilemma stems from trying to be what you’re not. You can’t have a social life with straight guys because soon enough they go chasing after girls while you’d rather chase them.
If you can too, come out and be your real self. Then you’ll have real experiences and create real memories that will last. Ask anybody who has come out, it is the best action you can take as a gay person. You stop hiding, you’re happy, you know that whatever validation you get from people is for the real you not some character. It’s a huge weight lifted off your shoulder. I might be lucky but I have not had one friend turn away from me after I came out to them. In fact the friendship gets better because I trusted them with my truth.
It’s a journey but if you want to get to where you want to be, you’ve got to start taking the right steps.
Ben
October 06, 20:26Thank everyone for your advice, kind words and concern. Y’all are the best.
David
October 07, 01:37It’s gonna be Okay, I’m also so confused. I’ve been searching for something genuine at least , to no avail. I still believe in time. At just the right time you’d get what you truly desire.