Previously on the BOOK OF DECEMBER


The next couple of days were blissful for me as Dalu had returned to being preoccupied with her war with Mother. And that meant that I got the good side of Mother as we spent time talking and reading, she her bible and me my novels.

Christmas passed by in a hurry and on the 31st of December, Mother’s youngest brother, Sammie, a pastor, came visiting. That evening, Mother asked him to mediate over her issue with my sister because the tension between them had reached boiling point. Sammie’s attempts to mediate were met with stiff resistance on Dalu’s part. (Even though she wasn’t my favorite person at the time, I could recognise that what they were doing to her was what I’d been countering them from doing to me. The irony of it was that she felt she could have an opinion about my life, and yet was fighting for her right to make her own decisions concerning her life). However, after hours of a lot of talk and back-and-forth, she caved and agreed to call off her relationship with the guy in question.

Then Sammie turned to me and began to quiz me on my relationship with God – as if I still had one. In very clear terms, I made my agnostic stance on religion known to him. He then began to give me the entire religious talk of having faith and operating by faith as opposed to feelings. I countered by saying that every one of them had, in one way or another, experienced God and that was the basis of their faith. I wasn’t going to lie to myself by believing in something I’d never experienced and not only mould my life around it but make drastic lifestyle changes (read lies) just to please them.

Toward the end of our discussion, he wanted to bring up the issue of the Instagram pictures but Mother shushed him.

That night, I was forced to go with the family for the cross-over service in church. During the service, Bishop Oyedepo said something about people having new experiences and encounters with God that night and Mother looked at me pointedly while shouting a loud “Amen”. I instantly suspected that something was going to come out of that.

For an entire week into the New Year, nothing happened at home. Dalu travelled to her school to round up her clearance on the fifth of January, leaving Mother and me alone at home.

On Sunday, the 7th, we both went to church and after the service, she insisted that I accompany her to see the pastor. And that was when I remembered her look from the cross-over night. I instantly became apprehensive. Sassing my sister or uncles or even my dad is no problem for me. But when it comes to my mother, I find it extremely difficult to do. So I knew I had my work cut out for me that afternoon.

On getting to the pastor’s office, Mother laid out my history to the pastor. How I was the errant gay son who was hell-bent on breaking her heart, how my “lifestyle choices” had deterred me from progressing in life and how I was even HIV positive. All the time she was talking, I felt an immense pain surge through me – pain that stemmed from the realization that no matter how much she pretended to condone me, my mother would never truly understand or accept me and I’d have to live with that knowledge.

When she was done talking, the pastor said he’d pray for me. He assured her that when he was done praying for me, not only would the HIV disappear from my system but I would instantly be “reconfigured to my original state in creation.”

It was all I could do not to laugh in his face. Talk about a tall order.

I zoned out through most of what he was saying as he prayed. However, a few things he said struck me in a rather humorous way.

First he pronounced: “You will get married and you will have your own children.” He repeated this thrice.

Note, however, that the gender of this person I will get married to was not mentioned. So I’m assuming that when I’m ready to marry, God in His infinite mercies will make available a hot husband for me, and not a wife that this deluded pastor seemed to think was meant for me.

Secondly, the pastor declared: “God will reveal himself to you in twenty-four hours! Before this time tomorrow, you will have a tangible revelation of God that will keep you walking with him all your life!”

And I was there thinking: Can God reveal himself in the form of a Sense8 cluster of hot guys?

And thirdly, he decreed: “God has anointed me to heal the sick and HIV is a form of sickness. I decree, that virus exists in your body no more!”

To this, Mother shouted, “Amen!”

And I was thinking: Will that decree be coming with an additional dose of CCRS mutagens?

Anyway, my dear gay-thren, that was how I was officially de-gayed and saved.

On our way home, Mother told me to go redo my test because she had a strong conviction that I’d been healed completely. I still don’t want to go for it just so I don’t break what’s left of her heart.

All in all, the holiday season was a highly entertaining one for me, probably the best one I’ve had in like forever.


Written by Mitch

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  1. trystham
    February 18, 09:15 Reply

    Your sister isnt even done with school? What’s the rush? Is there a dearth of future husbands that I didnt hear about?

    • Mitch
      February 18, 13:06 Reply

      Babe just finished her specialist course in Anaesthetic Nursing. That’s kinda like a Master’s degree but not quite.

  2. Recovery
    February 18, 09:48 Reply

    Deer Mitch, I think what you should do that is if you are undetectable is to tell her that you are undetectable. A whole lot of people don’t know what it is to be undetectable. Now it’s your job to explain to her what being undetectable means, this I think would calm her nerves… And tell her you need to continue your meds to remain undetectable and staying away from your meds is not the best option so as to suppress the virus, and thus making it impossible to transmit the virus to another person and having a better immune system.

    • Mitch
      February 18, 13:04 Reply

      I’d do that when the time comes. But knowing her, she’d seriously refuse to give up hope that I’d eventually become HIV-free

  3. Francis
    February 18, 12:26 Reply

    ? ? ? ? ? all these useless pastors sha. Healing every every even HIV but they can’t heal their own and will be using corner corner method to assess their medications. Mscheeeeew.

    Your Mumsy just do about turn for this episode sha. ???? Maybe it’s time to commit your mind from her side in terms of acceptance

    • Mitch
      February 18, 13:09 Reply

      My mum can be a serious case sometimes but when she changes,I’ll it’s usually holistic. I’m just hoping she finally catches up with the world rather than keep hoping against hope that I’d change

  4. Dunder
    February 18, 19:25 Reply

    Wow! No wonder Mummy was all zen with the past drama- she was yet to play her joker. I feel for your sister. I don’t know what your other family members see or why they are against her relationship but if the guy is her objective choice, she should not just cave out of fear and manipulation. What our parents prefer is not always the best and acting in fear is not logical or even biblical (side-eye to uncle pastor).

    So who is the worse criminal here, politicians or those who build castles in the sky for people knowing their celestial Mr Fix it is not going to raise a finger to help anyone out? At least publish a disclaimer that the overwhelming majority (if not all) of the people you decree and declare over are going to remain the same if not deteriorate further after abandoning logical interventions for those based on Middle eastern fables.

    I’ll advice you speak to your Mum alone about all the issues she raised with your pastor- your sexuality, agnosticism, HIV status, academics etc making it clear to her you do not appreciate being ambushed and your personal life being broadcast especially since you have been honest with her from the onset. Explain that even though you don’t agree on certain issues, the privacy your relationship should be respected. Explain that you are uninterested in that HIV test, my guy, no go. You don’t have to waste your effort and that of lab technicians just to cause your Mum more anxiety. If you set up those boundaries and continue to be honest and principled with your family, i think they will learn to give you the space you have earned.

    I wish you well and thanks for this encouraging, enlightening and sometimes hilarious write ups.

    • Francis
      February 19, 11:06 Reply

      Pleas are you male or female? Booed up or Baeless? Asking for a friend

      • Dunder
        March 01, 22:37 Reply

        Sorry o! I’m not set up to receive comment updates so just seeing this. Female, baeless but off the market as per geography.

  5. Gaia
    February 19, 14:30 Reply

    This is the epidode that really touched me. I almost cried at the realization of your Mom’s actual stand in all this drama… Well done bro. @ Francis, he’s male and baeless… so i think.

  6. Sim
    February 22, 10:10 Reply

    Something tells me we haven’t heard the last of that pastor. Damn. I half expected him to ask you to come for 7 days deliverance session, in a faraway house, just you and him.

  7. Rigor
    February 28, 10:56 Reply

    you truly have no faith. no pun

  8. Rigor
    February 28, 10:59 Reply

    And if you are cured nko? I’m sure you ll de- gay ( as you believe being gay is. A sin – it isn’t a sin)..

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