Can One Seek Too Much Consent?
The recent furor surrounding the issue of Nigeria’s rape culture has sparked conversations on the social media, and chief among them is the topic of consent. As I’ve been observing some of the conversations on Twitter and Facebook, I’ve seen men, most of them heterosexual, stumbling through the concept of consent and just how far it goes. I especially liked (and chuckled over) how a woman swiftly shut down a man on Facebook who was haranguing her over all the ways women were taking the “consent thing” too far. After some back and forth, she’d told him to go spend a night in bed with a gay man who has a hard-on for him and then come back and tell her if he’s still struggling to understand what it means to give consent. The guy didn’t clapped back and didn’t come back to confirm that he’d tried out the experiment.
However, given the society we’re in, one which prioritizes the sexual expressions of men while rendering that of women as something that doesn’t exist, I can almost understand some of the confusion that these men are struggling with. A bisexual friend of mine recently came to me to show me a screenshot of a conversation that had been shared in a WhatsApp group he’s in:
In a message accompanying the screenshot, he said: “Is that rape? Honestly, I’m confused nowadays on what is rape and what isn’t. The line is so blurred.”
The following conversation ensued between us:
As I was talking to him, I recalled another conversation I had with a girlfriend. This was a few months ago and we were talking about consent during sex; she was of the opinion that she’d have no patience for any man wanting to know (from her) what he can and cannot do to her when they’re having sex. And it wasn’t until a week later that I understood what she was talking about.
I’d been chatting with this guy on Grindr and it was one of those easy conversations where we were just clicking on everything. He was charming, funny and, judging from the picture he sent over, was interesting to look at. He was also naughty, talking dirty to me and sending me photos he’d just taken of his erection, even though he was at work. We started chatting around 5 PM, and by 6, he’d become so possessed with the thought of having sex with me, that he told me he’d drop by at my place on his way home after closing from work by 7. I’d planned to have an early dinner and snuggle into bed to unwind from my own day with some episodes of Schitt’s Creek.
But if Dick was going to get served, then that was what must happen.
I reordered my evening – put away my dinner and reentered the bathroom to do some extra cleaning – so I could be ready for him.
When he showed up, he was still charming, funny and interesting to look at. We were on my bed, chatting about his day, about my day, about Schitt’s Creek whose still he saw paused on my laptop screen, and about all sorts of other random pleasantries.
Then, because we didn’t have all the time in the world and because he’d been hungrily eyeing my lips every time he watched me speak, he finally said, “May I kiss you?”
I thought it was adorable that he had to ask. I’d have preferred the surprise of him swooping forward to suddenly claim my lips in a kiss. But he asked first. And it was cute. I was smiling as I said, “Sure.”
He moved closer and kissed me. His mouth was warm and tasted of the bubble gum he’d been chewing earlier. He wasn’t the best kiss I’d ever had, but who’s asking? Hookups like this don’t have to take your breath away; they just have to be enough to slake the fires of konji.
So, the kiss went on and on, and then he muttered against my mouth, “Can I touch you? I want to touch you so bad.”
That was when I realized that while we were kissing, while my hands cupped his face, his were lying limp on my side, not moving, not attempting to explore any part of my body. I was bewildered by this, like, why did he even have to ask? Wasn’t touching and caressing part of the package called making out?
When I didn’t immediately respond because I was pondering the oddness of him asking for permission to touch me, he broke the kiss and pulled back, looking slightly distressed.
“Is it not okay?” he asked. “Do you not want me to touch you? Have I done something wrong?”
A chuckle escaped my mouth as I hastened to assure him that he hadn’t done anything wrong. “Of course you can touch me. I just didn’t expect you to ask. Now, bring those lips back here and continue kissing me.”
He smiled and returned to the kissing. This time, our hands were roving over each other’s bodies, pressing, grasping, caressing, stoking the passion. Our lips and tongues were also active, kissing, sucking, licking and nibbling at everything.
As I writhed about against his body, I began to hear him murmur, “Oh god, I want to fuck you so bad.”
Well, this is usually part of what some people say in the throes of their desire as they are racing headlong toward the penetrative aspect of sex. He was saying it over and over again, sometimes wording it like a question: “Can I fuck you? Damn, I want to fuck you right now.”
I dismissed it as sex talk as I focused on the things I was doing to his body. However, his persistent utterances began to get distracting and I was in my mind, like: Well, what’s stopping you? Flip me around, yank down my boxers and get to work already!
At first, I thought this out of mild irritation. Then after some minutes, I really just wanted him to get to work. I even shimmied out of my boxers and began arching my body in a way that was meant to encourage him to move things along.
But this guy not only still had his trousers on, but was making no move to take ownership of my ass. He was doing everything but that!
And yet, he was moaning, “I so want to fuck you…”
After awhile, I stopped moving, and when he noticed, he looked up at me and asked, “What’s the problem?”
“I should be asking you that,” I said. “What are you doing?”
And he replied, “I was waiting for you to give me the go-ahead. I didn’t know if you wanted to fuck.”
Are you kidding me! The way the words exploded in my head, I thought I actually said them out loud. I stared at him in stupefaction. He didn’t know if I wanted to fuck? What did he think he came here from Grindr for – a makeout session, then some tea and crumpets?
I was very baffled by what was going on. But understanding began to sink in when he said, “I just want to be sure of what you want before I make any move.”
I almost laughed out loud when I realized this guy was all about asking for consent. It was ridiculous, given the circumstances. But it was sweet. I didn’t know whether to be irritated or moved. I wondered if he was being this way because he was too much of a gentleman or because he was scarred by a previous sexperience where he hadn’t asked for consent and things went awry.
“So…” he said.
“Of course,” I said with a smile. “Of course I want to fuck, just as much as you do. That is the whole reason you came here, isn’t it? It’s a Grindr hookup. That means that unless I say otherwise, everything is good.”
He smiled. We kissed. And then, we were back to our groove.
Except that groove would turn out to be the most frustrating thing I’d ever experienced during a hookup. I thought this guy was done verbalizing his need to be sure of what I was okay with.
I thought wrong.
As he tried to slip inside me with his first thrust, I flinched from the initial entry pain. However, this made him stop at once. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine, that he should be a little gentler. Well, I should have specified that “gentle” didn’t mean the snail’s pace he was taking to oh-so-slowly thrust inside me. At some point, I had to impatiently push my ass backward to help him all the way in.
After that, he became increasingly and frustratingly verbal over every physical expression of mine. I would draw in a sharp breath, and he would stop to ask me if I was okay, if he was doing too much. I had to keep silent after he did that a few times.
I would make a face, and because he was watching me, he would stop to ask if I was okay, if he was doing too much. I had to turn around into a doggy position just so he wouldn’t have any view of my face.
One time, he thrust in so sharply, I winced, recoiling slightly from him. He immediately pulled all the way out and began to apologize profusely, even though the pain was very negligible.
At some point, filled with so much exasperation, I stopped enjoying the sex and was basically waiting for him to be done. He seemed to sense my withdrawal and as he huffed and panted behind me, he would often ask, “Hey, baby, is this good for you? Are you enjoying it? Do you like what I’m doing to you?”
No. No. And NO!
Please, just SHUT UP!
I was pretty sure that if I’d voiced those words, he would have stopped at once to ask if I was okay, if he was doing too much. But I wasn’t in the mood to be petty. I simply wanted him to be done and be going.
He soon came, and when he reached for my dick to jerk me off, I recoiled from him.
“No, I’m good,” I said.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Very sure,” I assured him, before adding, “So, it’s getting late –”
“And I should probably be on my way,” he finished.
We got up from the bed and silently began putting our clothes back on. I walked with him outside, with neither of us saying anything to each other.
Then, as we waited for a bike, he said with an awkward laugh, “I don’t know why I feel like I talked the pleasure out of the sex we just had.”
If you can call that sex, I thought acidly, choosing not to respond.
“I promise it will be better next time,” he said earnestly.
There won’t be a next time, I thought, choosing to smile at him instead.
A bike soon drove by. We stopped it. He got on. We said good bye to each other, and he was off. I went back home, moved Schitt’s Creek out of the screen of my laptop, pulled up a porn scene between Rhyheim Shabazz and Sean Zevran, and proceeded to let those two men give me the pleasure I’d been earlier denied.
Written by Pink Panther
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30 Comments
Colossus
June 13, 09:03???????. While his constant questions were a tad too much, this is the issue I have with consent in the thick of things.
If a guy says he’s coming over to give me a blowjob, things get really heated and we’re both moaning in ecstasy, do I have to ask him if I should fuck? Do I have to bend over and say fuck me? Is the body language during passion not enough? Is penetration that so different from other forms of foreplay? Sexual harassment if I kiss and rape if its penetration?
Maybe now all potential hookups have to sign a waiver form
Zoar
June 13, 09:23Women are naturally complicated beings. Men in the other hand are really free spirited beings. We don’t overthink things.
Because of the hype around rape on social media these days, women now use anything they can lay their hands on to get at their Exes because they know their stories will always fly.
You paid your transportation fare and took all the stress of traveling to see a man and you still need to be asked on intervals if you want to be touched, kissed, caressed, smooched, fucked? Isn’t that even stressing to you?
Does that even make any sense?
If at the heat of the sex session, it’s your right to say no or stop it outrightly not waiting for your partner who is already engrossed with the whole thing to do the stopping. That’s what you should do and not term every sex experiences as rape.
What Happened to the Dead girl in that RCCG church is what is called a Rape case and it’s unfortunate she died out of the experience and she’s not alive to tell her story the way Timi Dakolo’s wife is telling hers. If you as lady took all the stress in the world to go see a Man who’s not your blood and anything sexual starts to happen between you too. Then it’s your right to stop it. If he then refuses and trys to overpower you in the process, that’s where I think a rape case should be reported.
Women have now turned this rape topic to become too ambiguous for a layman to understand it now and it’s bad.
Like the experience you had PP, it’s not even fun anymore when you become too verbal or vocal during sex. It kills the whole fun from it.
Shadow
June 13, 10:26Different strokes for different folks.
I don’t see anything wrong in the way the guy was asking for consent before doing anything to you. It shows that he’s a real gentleman who has your interest at heart and I’d totally like my to be like that, never assume anything always ask at least for the first few times you are still getting to know the person until you get comfortable with each other.
Ade
June 14, 10:53Just as my thoughts lingers with yours mehn , I really felt that consent was necessary although maybe at some point it felt too much and that could have been easily waived since it was his first time. if u really liked him, that shouldn’t be the last of it… some people are naturally modest and very gentlemanly like me for real…have done this couple of times before and the other person understood me pretty well, knowing fully at that time I was kinda new to d game..
Like the adage goes “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” remember that no matter how bad it was remember it could have been worse.. but I really feel it’s fine to consent verbally at every point.
trystham
June 13, 10:41I hope you av decided to boyfriend this person
Ade
June 14, 10:55Abi oo, I feel he should consider. lol ??
Black Dynasty
June 13, 11:08Hmm i suppose it works differently for everyone with varying expectations but I’d rather a guy asked for permission and not assume.
I also appreciate the checks on whether he’s doing too much and if I’m enjoying it or not. If the questions are getting too much, then communication is key and tell him to shh and fuck!
I’d rather too much question than the ones that don’t listen to “slow down” or “stop” or “get off me” or the ones that don’t give a damn and continue even when they see you wincing in pain.
He was a respectful gentleman per the narration but different strokes for different folks ultimately.
Francis
June 14, 09:42I’d rather too much question than the ones that don’t listen to “slow down” or “stop” or “get off me” or the ones that don’t give a damn and continue even when they see you wincing in pain.
This!
Ade
June 14, 10:59Exactly same too
Jinchuriki
June 13, 12:20He did nothing wrong. Nobody wants to be outed in the name of rape.
Higwe
June 13, 12:28There is nothing like too much consent, and both homosexuals and heterosexuals are equally guilty of sexual abuse , molestations and rapes .
Heterosexuals are more vocal because their sexuality is much more accepted but homosexuals abuse and molest just as much , perhaps even more – statistically.
That same day stories of heterosexual rapes were trending , there was also a case of a homosexual man- Solomon
…..blackmailing , extorting , abusing and sexually molesting both heterosexual and homosexual men.
No surprises that the story didn’t make it here.
Of course, it didn’t suit the agenda that all homosexuals are saints and all heterosexuals scums .
We are living in an era where a man can be addressed as a woman by simply saying he believes he’s one .It’s time for us to unlearn and adjust everything we know about seeking and giving consent.
*Seek consent all the way through *
I don’t see any difficulty in asking someone how far they intend to let you go with their God given bodies .
The whole purpose of educating people about consent , is to erase assumption .
Stop assuming! …it’s always simpler , safer and easier to ask .
Let’s do better and live better.
**********
Didn’t read the story all the way through but I’m assuming it’s another day of Pink P having a flop hook-up .
It’s becoming quite a pattern with you lately .
Do you still think it’s the guys seeing you’re the common denominator here ?
Maybe your body has gone past the phase of casual hook-ups with series of strangers and it’s seeking for something a lot more stable and solid .
Maybe you should listen to it.
I think at some point in our lives , it’s no longer about the ass or dick or thrusting patterns…these are ephemeral pleasures … It’s more about companionship , reliability and shared catharsis.
But then again , I could always be wrong.
If it’s the case …my apologies .
Jinchuriki
June 13, 13:34Okay Higwe, wow! ?
PS: we should discuss Solomon and his apparent, manipulative ways. He has had his way with a bunch of his friends from what I’ve read. He has sexually harassed, raped, and manipulated a few. A bunch of boys technically came out of the closet to speak up.
Audrey
June 14, 22:13Jinchuriki please mind the business that pays you and stay out of other people’s business.
Nobody holy pass
Julian_woodhouse
June 15, 09:56Nobody holy pass…. Really though
Mandy
June 14, 22:42“A bunch of boys technically came out of the closet to speak up.”
Don’t you mean a bunch of boys fronting as straight guys came out on Twitter to out him?
That whole thing that looked like an organised attempt to get back at Solomon for whatever it is he may have done to them? Please. The more I followed that whole mess, the more I disbelieved their claims of Solomon harassing and sexually assaulting them. The one who claimed that he’s straight but endured actual penetrative rape from Solomon and was too powerless to stop it was the peak of the entire prevarication for me.
Jinchuriki
June 15, 01:02I’ll just substitute words, for better understanding.
“we should discuss Solomon and his ostensible, manipulative ways. He has had his way with a bunch of his friends from what I’ve read. He has sexually harassed, raped, and manipulated a few. A bunch of boys methodically came out of the closet to speak up”
That being said, I tweeted a couple of responses to the accusers and later deleted them because, what do I know? They could be blackmailing him (Solomon). I did send a DM
telling him to speak out if that’s the case, but since the last time I checked, he’s had no Twitter activity since all that drama started.
Julian_woodhouse
June 15, 10:27Likkkkkeee…… You’re a guy… The other person is a guy… If you don’t like what is happening…. Then tell them to stop. Anything afterwards…consent has not been given. Do not expect people to be mind readers. Nowhere in that story did I read… I told him to stop and he continued. Nowhere did I read he was so buff that if I told him no..he would have had his way with me anyway. The only thing I saw was some stuff about how when someone makes a move on you and that person is of the same sex…you automatically lose your willpower. Maybe you lost your willpower cause e dey sweet you. If he really was a rapist, take him to court or the police and not whatever the hell was happening on social media. And the really sad thing is that Solomon cannot exonerate himself without saying it was consensual and conceding to the crime he’s actually being tried for: his sexuality. When Kevin Spacey groped guys…it wasn’t hard to imagine why that would be assault.
Ade
June 15, 11:27so very true bro…much said. those dudes know watsup! why am I convinced that they are queer….much said about them from friends of friends who are acquainted to them and said there is a strong gaydar around them ??, so I don’t buy into that I was raped shi…..
Julian_woodhouse
June 15, 10:13About the Solomon ish…. I’m a little confused. Initially when I heard the ish… I entered Instagram and saw someone defending him. I was instantly outraged that sm1 in this age and time was being a tape apologist. But on going thru the stories and accounts… A lot of things don’t just add up. For starters… The first guy that claims he was sexually harassed. The only wrong I saw that was done was that Solomon solicited sex from him “a straight guy” in this Nigerian climate. Because the outrage was over the fact that Solomon wanted to sleep with him in the first instance. There was no coercion. Then on the second story…. I’m hard pressed to call it rape. The “receipts” afterwards show him being very cordial with his supposed rapist. Not to mention he was not inebriated, the power Dynamics between them are pretty much similar… Solomon not being his boss and being even scrawnier than he is. And thru out the occurrence he did not tell him to stop but kept on going along with everything. If you’ve had anal sex before… You’ll understand it’s not as cut and paste as the victim was trying to make it seem especially if it’s your first time. Simply put … The story didn’t add up on several levels… I never got around to reading Daevees account.. but it’s one thing to accuse someone of sexual assault and it’s another thing when your retelling of the story doesn’t even point to that. He claims he didn’t tell him to stop because he would be labelled as a homosexual by the neighbors but was very comfortable airing this issue on social media instead of seeking redress thru the police and stuff. The law is on his side if he accuses sm1 of being homosexual and trying to rape him. Nigeria is partriarchal and homophobic. But then again… In my head I kept on asking myself whether I felt this way because I suspected the victim to be queer as well. But that isn’t the case cause I still feel outrage when I hear about issues of rape in the queer community. The problem here is that the story didn’t add up and the receipts weren’t receipts. A traumatised person doesn’t put smiley emojis when talking to his rapist about the state of his ass… Still, I wished that issue was brought up if only to educate each other on the proper response
Ade
June 15, 11:02wow…this is well spelt out..carefully detailed and dissected as it should …thoughts alike bro ??
Morgan
June 13, 15:22This question was on my mind. For real. Going to see a friend not planning to have sex but after a few advances from him we finally do. I feel I sort of gave consent since I finally gave in. This consent thing sef sha
Francis
June 14, 09:46Story of my life in 2014. I still wonder if I gave my consent or I was just worried about what would happen if I said no ….in his house
Hush
June 13, 15:48There is nothing like too much consent…. Always ask. Even when in a relationship, seek consent. The person you’re having sex with may have a different perspective to yours. “Can I kiss you?” ain’t the same as “can I give you a blow job?” or “can we have sex?”.
The guy in this story is a gentleman and completely reflects my way of life about sex. However, a different narrative would have been to talk about all of that could happen or not happen before coming over. This will help the hook up better.
In the current narratives, rather have a boring sex seeking consent than have an amazing sex when there are valid questions about the consent gotten.
By the way, consent has got nothing to do with gender.
Delle
June 13, 18:43Just direct thus man to me, PP. This is the man promised to me.
Thank you.
Lomz
June 14, 06:12I am very simple person. If I off clothes for you, you can do whatever you want.
Ade
June 14, 11:08??????
Audrey
June 14, 22:17My dear we Dey the same WhatsApp group???
IBK
June 14, 11:16Probably should have reassured him he could do whatever he wants and if you don’t like it you’d definiteky ask him to stop.
Francis
June 14, 11:18This makes plenty sense IF you’re dealing with person with self control sha. Not those raging bulls ??♂️
Flexsterous
June 15, 09:37This shit has got to stop with this religious bitches feeling guilt
and calling it rape and ruining the lives of innocent men, body language is consent, they were both doing sexual things and when he graduated it to penetration, she at no point mentioned where she asked him to stop. So as a feminist, I definitively disagree with pp, this wasn’t rape and should not even be entertained cause it takes away from people who have been raped.
PS: that guy was such a gentle man, what you should have done when the questions got 2 much was to tell him that he should just keep going, that if something didnt feel right, you would tell him.