Dear KD: Between Me And The Other Man

Dear KD: Between Me And The Other Man

I have dated him for four years now. Before I met him, he had a boyfriend.

He is Joseph and his boyfriend is Jude.

Joseph fell in love with me and I with him, and he said he couldn’t let me go after I found out he had a boyfriend. His boyfriend, Jude, soon got to know about me and agreed to them opening their relationship to include me. We weren’t a throuple though; Joseph simply had Jude and he had me. And for four years, we had a good thing going.

Then last year, things started not going well between Joseph and I. We would sometimes not communicate for two to three months. It began to look like I was on the outside looking in as I noticed him concentrating more of his time and attention on Jude. I no longer felt like I was in a relationship anymore because of the invisibility I was experiencing regarding him. I began to feel like an object there to occupy a vacuum whenever Jude wasn’t available.

Even as I struggled to deal with this new reality, I had to ask him to choose between me and Jude. He said he couldn’t choose. That he can’t let either of us go.

I had to make a decision – even though that decision broke my heart to think it.

I eventually got the mind to break up with him. I was tired. I wanted to be with someone who would have only me, whose world would not be divided between me and somebody else. I deserved more than just being a backup boyfriend.

When I ended things with him, Joseph cried and I felt guilty.

I still do. And I still feel bad. I really love him. Even now, just a few weeks since I broke up with him, I am struggling to move on, to concentrate on my life. I have not been myself. I still miss him. But I do not want to be in that type of relationship anymore.

Please, what do I do? I need advice.

Submitted by Kamsi

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  1. Delle
    January 23, 07:38 Reply

    I don’t know. It does seem like you may never be the ONLY one with him and that’s not healthy (considering your personal wants).
    However, love is a weakness.

    But ask yourself some pertinent questions like:

    Is your love for him enough to make you forego what you truly desire?

    Do you think you’ll be wholly satisfied with him (beyond the knowledge that you’re with the one you love)?

    What are his plans with you?

    What do you stand to lose should you hold strong to your present decision to not be with him?

    Know it that in all of this, you owe the decision you’ll make to yourself and no one else. You first and all others will naturally fall into place.

    Be fine.

    • Kamsi
      January 24, 06:55 Reply

      Thanks so much for your advice.

  2. Rexxy
    January 23, 07:50 Reply

    Nnam keep moving if you turn back you’ll be a pillar of salt… Face front osiso…. Oburo so open relationship, how does that even work ?.
    You are feeding his selfish interest and because he feels he has you locked down you can’t do anything. My dear move on baby…
    You’ve done the right thing by breaking up 4 years is too fucking long to be a third wheel biko. As you don’t commot stay out, stay open real original love will come to you.
    Hapu ndi ara!

    • Kamsi
      January 24, 06:56 Reply

      I really appreciate this

  3. Rehoboth
    January 23, 08:07 Reply

    If he makes you happy, what is another boyfriend? Life is too short to nitpick. Ordinary boyfriend?

    • Mandy
      January 23, 08:20 Reply

      Did you miss the part where he said the guy started focusing more on the first boyfriend than on him? That’s what happens when there is “another boyfriend”. You don’t get to have all of your man.

  4. Seeker
    January 23, 08:12 Reply

    Joseph wants to have his cake and eat it. I think you made the right decision. Yes, it will hurt initially as it is now, but given enough time and distance, the heart will always heal. Focus on you for now; channel that energy into building the best version of yourself this period. The love you seek will find you in due time. Love and light!

    • Kamsi
      January 24, 06:58 Reply

      Thanks so much for everything.

  5. Mandy
    January 23, 08:18 Reply

    Look, Kamsi, breaking away from love is never easy. Especially when the guy didn’t break your heart or betray you in such a glaring way that you are able to use what he did to hate him.
    But you want different things from what Joseph has to offer. And you should never shortchange yourself for anybody when it comes to love. You want what you want and you should stick to it.
    The pain you are going through post-breakup is normal, and it will pass. Don’t let it make you do something foolish like going back to him. Once you go back, you see this courage you used in getting out, you won’t see it again. You’ll be sucked in and stay in, and you won’t be open to the love that may be out there waiting for you.
    If you three were a throuple, it would have made sense. But this “he has you” and “he has him” kind of relationship is greedy and selfish on his part and will only result in tears.
    Stay strong and focus on healing. You’ll be fine. Hopefully the next man that comes along won’t have this kind of baggage.

    • Kamsi
      January 24, 07:00 Reply

      Thanks so much for your advice.

  6. Loki
    January 23, 08:24 Reply

    We do a lot of crazy things wen we are in love, bt den ask urself, is dis so called love worth being sad for d rest of ur life? I feel u deserve better. So move on dear, u will find someone who will treat u like d king ? u are. Its nt easy, bt u av taken d first step so continue, like Rexxy said, if u look bck u will bcum a piller of salt.

  7. trystham
    January 23, 08:27 Reply

    Looool. This here is the true fact for the people who are all for open relationships and polygamy. It never can work…except for the person enjoying both parties. Even then, rest assured whoever that is doesn’t even like the other members of their ‘relationship’ enough.
    Pele my dear Kamsi. A ma wa alright nigbeyin. Don’t think on going back BECAUSE you will never be anything other than ‘not enough’. It hurts now, but its gonna hurt much worse if u decide to the ‘relationship’ because you WILL be miserable. Fuckbuddy sounds much better than Assistant Boyfriend oooo.

  8. Nommy
    January 23, 11:29 Reply

    You did good, it’ll sting like a bitch but it’ll fade with time.

  9. KingB
    January 23, 14:50 Reply

    All of the three of u will be alright las las

  10. Higwe
    January 23, 15:30 Reply

    I remember when I was a kid and I was chasing the fowls my dad bought for Xmas , I tripped and landed on my knee on a rough cemented floor .

    The next day I woke up with a boil the size of Texas ??‍♂️

    My mum got me some ointment and would apply it on my knee mornings and evenings.

    Everytime I applied the ointment I would feel some transient relief , but the pain would be back a few minutes later.

    My grandmother ( God rest her soul ) took me to her quarters one evening and told me she was going to cut open the boil and extract all the pus .

    I was a kid back then so I was definitely scared but then she said something to me , something I made my life motto.

    * During my tyro stage as a body builder *

    * The numerous times I had to starve , dress like a homeless destitute ? and deny myself of every luxury I craved for just to save up for something important .

    She said : it’s going to hurt now , but you’ll get better and when you do , you won’t remember the hurt .

    And I couldn’t muffle my screams and tears when her very sharp knife penetrated my flesh .

    It felt like taking a gigantic dick without any form of lubrication .?

    Suffice it to say , it hurt like a freaking bitch on heat .

    …but when the last pus dribbed out , I felt something I haven’t felt. in a long time – better !

    In a few days I was out playing with other kids and running faster than Usain Bolt .?

    The ointments in our lives are distractions .
    They give us ephemeral pleasures and in those moments of delusion – we forget our dreams , self worth , goals and aspirations .

    But of course they don’t last and when they leave , we are left with just emptiness and pain .

    If I had kept on applying that ointment , maybe the boil would had busted on its own or maybe it could have worsened the infection and I would probably be an amputee now .

    I guess I’ll never know ??‍♂️

    But why choose a ” maybe ” when there is certainty .

    The certain thing is that you’re a third wheel and no matter the ointment thrown at your boil sporadically to keep you as the loyal dog you’ve proven to be , you’ll always be the third wheel.

    If that is enough for you , by all means go back to your master.

    If you feel you deserve more out of life …then get all the pus out , dress your wound and keep moving. ?

    My grandmother was not completely honest though , I still remember the hurt ….but what does it matter ? I got better and that my friend is all that MATTERS .?????‍♂️

    • Kamsi
      January 24, 07:01 Reply

      Thanks so much, I appreciate this.

  11. Chiedozie
    January 23, 20:31 Reply

    You’ve already done what needs to be done. Concentrate on moving on now. There’ll be other men: more interesting, more honest, less stressful to be with. And you won’t have to share them if that’s not something you want.
    You’ve chosen yourself. That’s it. That’s the lesson. Work with it.

  12. Black Dynasty
    January 24, 05:14 Reply

    The necessary has been done, give yourself time to heal, give yourself permission to be happy again.

    Easier said than done but still, you will be alright at the end of the day.

    Whenever i find myself wondering if i did the right thing, i ask myself “would i have been able to continue like that for the next 10 years?”, the answer always gives me peace.

  13. Kennie
    January 26, 22:35 Reply

    There is something you are not seeing, your strength. You have shown you are strong. The cries would end, the misery will go and joy will flow. Everytime you feel somehow just tell yourself this. Loneliness is a BITCH.
    You made it already.

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