Dear KD: I Feel Surrounded With Betrayal
So, I moved to a new town and I met an old friend here. I actually came for my housemanship program, while my friend – let’s call him Ray – was in his finals in a distant learning course.
Ray has a boyfriend, Emma. And we were all staying together before Emma graduated, leaving Ray and I to become flatmates.
Eventually Ray met this guy Nick, and the guy told him he wanted them to date. Ray declined, saying he was already seeing someone. And so, Nick turned his attention to me, hitting on me, and I turned him down. Ray spoke to me on his behalf and I conceded, agreeing to give him a chance.
We began dating, but along the line, I realized the dude is airheaded and possessive. I couldn’t deal and broke things off with him. But he stayed on my case every day, disrupting my plan to move on from him.
Then one day, he asked for a last chance, promising to do better, and I agreed. I wasn’t into him, but I was willing to give him a chance, because he said he was going to change. He rarely improved on his character, and I’d begun to realise that I wasn’t into being in a relationship because I hate the fact that I share control of myself with someone else and sex depresses me.
Anyway, Nick and I are doing whatever it is we are doing, and at the same time, I’m making new friends. I rarely make an active effort to meet guys because I’m very busy, but every once in a while, I get guys linking to me through Instagram, and coming around to see me. On another day, Ray urged us to go see some other guy whose acquaintance I’d recently made. So, yes, I was making new friends and having a social life that didn’t include Nick.
However, the day came when Nick angrily barged into the house, fuming with details of all the guys that had been around to see me, and how they’d tried to get down with me and I said no, and all sorts of other personal stuff I’d only ever told my friend, Ray.
Now Ray – and Nick – both claim Ray never told him anything. That he just knew from his findings.
And I’m thinking how insulting this claim is to me. what findings will make it possible for Nick to know everything about my visitors, down to their names and how we met and where they visited from, to my recent health scare, my bank account balance, the guys I told my friend I liked, how long I spend on Instagram.
Through what findings would he know these things? Is there an app for detecting people’s private lives or a babalawo who specializes in this?
Or am I living with a traitor?
Submitted by Dr Tee
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16 Comments
Mandy
July 17, 06:49I think it’s safe to say that your friend Ray is not really your friend. Sometimes, the most obvious answer is the actual answer.
And it is obvious you really aren’t into this Nick. Which makes me wonder why you are allowing yourself to get pressured into being with him. First it was Ray who made you agree to date him, then it was Nick who made you agree to take him back. all of them admittedly against your better judgment. How about you rely on what YOU want and simply cut him off, especially now that he seems to not only be stalking you but also lying to you about how he knows what he knows.
Net
July 17, 07:08I couldn’t have said it better
Mitch
July 17, 09:33This is all that needs to be said about this!!!
Black Dynasty
July 17, 17:26This! Couldn’t have put it any better.
BRYAN PETERS
July 17, 20:50What he said
Leo
July 17, 07:08Your friend is a traitor. He has obviously been talking. Cut him off and/or limit the information you divulge to him or others. People talk, sometimes unintentionally.
Bells
July 17, 08:42You got yourself a Frenemy and the earlier you take precautionary measures the better for you
Rex
July 17, 12:06Bros stop sulking and move out of that house already, get yourself somewhere else, don’t wait till a bomb explodes on ya head to find out if you are really living with a traitor. BYE
Mike
July 17, 23:29Okay, read that twice, Lemme get this clear.
You have a boyfriend, the nigga is possessive, or hmm.
Your friend/roommate told your boyfriend about your activities, can I point out that, he is your boyfriend, and your flatmate/friend haven’t yet done anything wrong.
What exactly did your flatmate say, that strikes as wrong or incorrect ?.
That nigga is your boyfriend, someone who is supposed to count the stars with thought of you at heart, grup his pillow with your name fondly, as he looses sleep.
He is acting like a typical insecure boyfriend who needs a dose of confidence and certainty, cause he is heaping his insecurities on you. He probably need to get himself to that place, that regardless of whether or not you exist, he would be alright. Is he that ugly ?, Or you are just too addictive in bed ?.
Your friend is acting within the parameter of a friend, or don’t you know how friendship works. When your friend and boyfriend get together, what do you want them to discuss?, The sky is blue ?. Or talk about you, which is the commonity between them both, since they ain’t dating, nor having sex, which by the way is a standard many of our gay friends fall beneath. I know you know this.
You, should break up with him, not because he is possessive, but because you are making that shit up, and you don’t like him, obviously do not care what he thinks of you, aka you don’t factor him into your life, which is why he is angry.
You are being inconsiderate.
You know how gay men are, you know you have a boyfriend, and yet you still go out, to meet other gay men, what are you doing, job hunting?. You say you were having a life, which kind of having a life involves someone hitting on you.
In other for people to hit on you, the environment, mood and vibes from you has to be right. You probably weren’t giving off the ” I have a boyfriend and I am not available” vibe. You were probably giving off the “let’s just play and have fun” vibe, because you were not feeling your guy.
Break up with him, he deserves better. Let him lose sleep over who can reciprocate. Just don’t heap your insecurities on him, for caring enough to want to know the details, if he were fucking around now, we no go hear word. Biko unleash to your inner hoe and free the nigga. Relationship is not your thing, you want to be free. Are you Capricorn ?.
You should get your own place, since your flatmate and friend is Judas, for talking to your boyfriend about you. Hell he did not even lie or come up with one image denting gist, is it not this same gay Earth, our friends go behind our backs and paint us black, making us to be devil’s incarnate, as you are attempting to do to your friend and roommate here.
Lemme see, if you didn’t do anything wrong, why is it so bad, that your bf knows ?. Where is the shame or guilt coming from ?.
A guy hits on you, you turn em down, you did not steal, have consenting sex with them, you are not a hoe neither did you kill anyone, so what’s up?.
Maybe you just experiencing guilt, cause you know, you shouldn’t have met them, lead them on enough for them to hit on you, cause you have a “boyfriend”.
J
July 18, 00:11Mike, he obviously doesn’t like Nick’s attitude. He said Nick is controlling and possessive. From all indications, this person doesn’t want to be controlled and he doesn’t want a clingy partner.
There’s something about people who can’t take “NO” for an answer. They should be dreaded. It’s a form of control, they feel they own you and you have no right to make decisions for yourself. The moment you say no, it’s means something is not right. Trust your instincts and stand your ground. Don’t let anyone have powers over you, you’re not a robot. Possessive people are cable of causing harm and destruction if they can’t be in charge. The earlier you face him the better, there are people who like clingy partners, let him reach out to them.
You can always stay alone if you’re capable, living alone is the best thing that can happen to anyone who likes freedom and unnecessary talk talk.
Mike
July 19, 11:50Exactly, he strikes me as that kind of loner, mind your business type, which is okay but to paint others black for doing something humane or predictable, not cool.
The friends, should be redefined to people who butt into your life, carry your matter for their head, like it is there own problem.
I went on a multiple dates, I turned down ten potential hookups, do think my friends won’t talk about it?, The you think they won’t be like ” what is wrong with this boy, but that nigga was fine nao”, ” abi Mike ogbanje spirit don start ” etc.
I tell my friends, I am busy, I have got things to do, ten minutes later, they gonna appear at my doorstep ” oya wear clothes, we need to go and see this man”. It’s just friends being friends.
The things I don’t want them to know about me, they won’t know, because I know they’re gonna talk about it and they mean no harm, na just gist.
He should stay alone and muse over his loner spirit, not fault people for being people. I really would understand if his roommate said something untrue or damaging, not for something like ” he refused to sleep with all of his dates”. Everybody get him own wahala, before anybody meets you, you friends would probably have told them about you. Stuff like “hmm, that nigga doesn’t get in bed with everybody”, ” tolu isn’t like that” or “go nao, you go get am, he is a giver”.
Pink Panther
July 18, 00:33There are so many things I started out saying when I saw this comment. But I simply gave up. There’s no point. Hopefully, the writer isn’t reading this and buying this bullshit.
Dr Tee, if you are reading this, remember this: your friend should be YOUR FRIEND first and foremost. Your friend is supposed to have your back. Your friend is supposed to keep your confidence. Your friend is supposed talk things concerning you WITH you, and not with anyone else. Whether in good or bad, your friend should be YOUR FRIEND FIRST. Not your boyfriend’s reporter. Not the guy who discusses you to your boyfriend. Whatever the case may be, whether you fucked up or not, your friend will always be your friend. It is those who aren’t your friends that will take your gist to your boyfriend and not even respect you enough to tell you about it.
And whether you did something wrong or not, you are allowed to feel violated when the person who has no business knowing anything about you suddenly confronts you with those issues. You are allowed to feel betrayed when the only person you confided in appears to have told other people what you told him in confidence. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
Malik
July 18, 13:08Well said, PP.
Mike
July 19, 12:08There was no pinky swear, anywhere in the write up, so no confidentiality agreement was broken.
The flatmate/friend was probably trying to impress his boyfriend, on how self controlled he was. Not many people can have that much self control.
The friend lied about it, caused he probably realized how defensive or irritated he became over something trival.
My friends will tell you “Mike is not like”, “that nigga can not wash plate” etc. How does all this violets the friendship clause?, Because this things are actually true about me.
If he didn’t want anybody to know things about him, he should have kept mute, about his activities or bank account. It’s that simple or made his friend promise not to tell.
I had to run some test of recent, I called a friend to help me locate a private lab, he promised to come take me out in the evening, so we’d go together. On a second thought if the results, came out positive, I don’t think I would want my friends to know, just cause they are human, not cause I believe they are gossip mongers or something.
I picked my sick self up, located a private lab myself, did the test, good news, thank God no be watin I think.
By the my guy came in the evening, I was like ” mehn, I have done the test already, it’s all good. Let just go out”.
Without telling him, what and what test I ran, cause it’s private and confidential.
Your friends are human beings too, not super heros, goblet of secrets or chest of thoughts shall not say.
J
July 26, 15:09Mike this post sweet you sha ??
Mr K
October 29, 11:30True friends in this community are rear. Once someone else knows its no longer a secret. He might not be a betrayer but he might just be he was also looking out for a friend. Take the lesson and trash the hurt.