Dear KD: I Have Questions about Coming Out and Marriage
Remember my kito story, and how my mum asked me if I was gay and how I’m yet to give her an answer?
Well, for a long time after that, I have had it in mind to come out to my parents. And so, I started taking every opportunity to drop hints about the validity of homosexuality. Like the time I drove my parents to see a family member on a Sunday and we were having some discussions which drifted to evolution and how people come into existence. I told them that the same way people don’t choose their complexion, colour of eyes, and other features that come as a result of evolutionary and genetic factors, the same can be said for sexual orientation. And in spite of my consternation as I said this, my parents didn’t disagree. My mother in particular spoke her agreement with this.
However, I have to wonder if the acceptance of this fact is only on an academic level, if they will be this accommodating should I decide to come out to them.
I know someone who will most definitely not be accommodating, and that is my brother. He is older than me and quite homophobic. We are very close and I love him a lot, but lately, his homophobia has really become a source of grievance for me. He is vocal with his aversion to homosexuality, often talking about how irritating homosexuals are. His toxicity has infected my two younger sisters, and whenever they see gay scenes come up on TV, they all come together to spew their prejudiced opinions. And I find myself staying mute, not knowing how to navigate the terrain of chastising my siblings over their bigotry. I am even surprised that for all their being part of a more progressive generation, my siblings are this prejudiced and ignorant, whereas our parents are less judgmental and more tolerant.
I am also aware that things could get really dicey when the topic of marriage becomes centre stage. As much as I would like to accommodate my family’s wishes to get married, I am quite frankly too gay for that kind of charade. My parents may be accommodating of homosexuality, but they also talk a lot about their children giving them grandchildren.
One might suggest I get into this contractual marriage thing that KDians are going for – where I’ll wed a bisexual woman or lesbian for show, and we can carry on with my private lives behind the scenes of our matrimony – but this will prove to be an even worse problematic situation for me, because there is an ancestral hurdle to take into consideration here. You see, there is this curse (?) that my ancestors placed on the marriages of the men in my family. I’d like to say that this is superstitious bullshit and that I don’t believe in it, but I have seen it manifest way too many times to be cavalier about it. The deal is: whenever a man in my family gets married, the wife mustn’t have any carnal knowledge of any other person other than her husband. If she does, one of these three tragedies would befall her: either she dies, or their children will die, or the husband would die immediately after he sleeps with her following her indiscretion.
I have heard of and seen many marriages in my family that perished supposedly under the burden of this curse, and it is the reason I hesitate to take on contract marriage as a solution, because I would hate to put anybody’s daughter through such a tragic existence.
Dear KD, I am honestly tired of these particular decisions I have to make regarding my life. I don’t know what to think anymore. I am frustrated but I strive to hide behind my smiles. My brother is getting married soon and I’m sure all eyes will turn to me next. It will not happen anytime soon, but I’m not sure I’ll be ready whenever that time comes. I get panicked sometimes and I yearn desperately for someone to talk to. I recently learned that a cousin of mine is gay; this I got to know from a friend who’d apparently had a thing with him. This cousin is much older and I thought it’d be a good idea to make him my person, that person I could talk to about these struggles. But after hitting him up on WhatsApp and having him respond to me in a manner that made me feel like I was disturbing him, I dumped that idea and deleted the chats and moved on.
I really don’t have friends who are queer that I can talk to. The best friend I had (Remember Dominic?) turned out to be quite homophobic himself, in addition to being straight. So yeah, that is a no-go. So, at this point, I don’t have anyone I can unburden these things to in the hopes of getting some direction and guidance, except to this community here on Kito Diaries.
I just need some guidance on what I should do regarding coming out and marriage, considering my unique situations on both issues.
Thank you.
Submitted by Mannie
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35 Comments
Mitch
August 12, 09:37Wait, the ‘curse’ in your family only affects the women, not the men?
??????????????????????????????????
See, you’re 20.
Quit thinking about things that aren’t your problem right now. Focus on having a good life, on being the best possible version of yourself. When the time for you to come out, or not, arrives, you’d know.
Then, you can start worrying about marriage and an ancestral curse.??
Mannie
August 12, 09:45Mitch????, I laughed harder at the absurdity of the entire charade. Thanks alot man.
Tariq
August 12, 09:48Right said Mitch…
The writer might just be from one of the isoko/urhobo tribes of Delta..
The curse is real in some of those places…at least I know two to three families it has affected.
@ poster, take it one day at a time.
You will be fine.
Mannie
August 12, 14:36Thank you ?
Mandy
August 12, 10:01I laughed too when I got to that bit about the ancestral curse. but it’s not exactly surprising the curse only affects the wives. It’s in the name “forefathers”. Must’ve been a bunch of sexist pigs.
Mannie
August 12, 14:39Lol. When I asked my parents about this partiality,my dad said it was believed then that men would always crave sex and their wives might not be able to provide that (especially when she just had a baby). Also, their men can marry a dozen of women.
trystham
August 13, 07:32Wait!!! Men will ALWAYS crave sex, but it is the women they are lacing with Magun??? Help me let it make sense na????
Mannie
August 14, 11:42Lol..it never make sense.
My mum hates to talk about it. She’d be like,
“So women don’t have hormone”
Jinchuriki
August 12, 09:59I feel for you. I think you can come out to your family if you’re able to take all the blows. You shouldn’t have to do something you’re not comfortable with and no situation should put you under that type of pressure. Take your time.
Mannie
August 12, 14:40Thanks man?
Dillish
August 12, 10:24Dear Mannie, you owe no one a coming out. Unless you wanna do it. If you’re not ready, stay in your closet.
And as for the marriage thing, what do you want? Only you can answer that question
Mannie
August 12, 14:41Thank you Dilish ?
Mannie
August 12, 14:43Thanks Dillish ?
Peace
August 12, 11:56Hey Mannie please talk to me, If you want someone to unburden, I’m here……………
Mannie
August 12, 14:44I’d appreciate that peace???
Black Dynasty
August 12, 11:57Come out when you’re ready, by ready I mean fully aware of at least a majority of possible consequences and you feel you’ll be ok with them should the worst happen.
If you are not at this point, then maybe it’s not yet time. You’re still young and have a lot ahead of you, live your life and enjoy it. You’ll know when it’s time to cross that bridge and you can decide how best to do so at that time.
Mannie
August 12, 14:48Thank you?????
Quinn
August 12, 12:28The only advice I can give to you is, find a way to leave the country, once you are out there there is a certain deference they will give to you and your way of life, “all these oyibo people”. I know it’s hard but I’ve not seen any other way around this marriage issue. Xoxo quinn
Mannie
August 12, 14:47?I’d definitely take this into consideration.
Thank you?
Anoni
August 13, 01:20You’ll be fine bro allow time do his thing. i would have said coming out is overrated but i myself got overwhelmed with the pretence at some point i wanted to scream it from my balcony lol, but i do know we’re all here for you anytime brother i look forward to hanging out, unburdening and unwinding with you. BTW Are you from enugu?
Mannie
August 13, 09:44Thank you Anoni.
No, I’m not from Enugu.
From the middle belt part of the country
Dillish
August 14, 12:21Oh….why do I feel you are talking about ogbadigbo?
Lol. You are talking about alekwu right?
Mannie
August 19, 08:32Yes, alekwu????
Mannie
August 19, 08:40Yes, alekwu?
Ken
August 13, 06:57Don’t listen to those people that said you’ll be fine with time o. It’s a big lie. You won’t be fine. This debacle is largely hunt you for years to come. It is the same nightmare most gay men face in Nigeria: the dilemma of choice. none of the choices will be easy and till date nobody can help u. It’s either u lose yourself or lose your family. Except u are extremely lucky to have an understanding family where u are accepted. Your best bet is to make money and be independent, it will help with the blow back from any choice u make.
Sorry for being so from, but it’s just the reality
Bliss
August 13, 07:44It is the same nightmare most gay face in Nigeria: the dilemma of choice.. This is true
Things i think you should focus on are;
Be independent, have the best time in life and when time comes trust me, whatever decision you take you will be fine..
For me o, because of my homophobic family before they will talk of marriage. I will kukuma marry on time with a woman (most definitely Lesbian ni). And to make matter worst am the first son ?
Gad
August 13, 07:24That so called curse is very potent and real. It also exists in my family. As late as last week, it swept through my cousin,s family leaving 2 deaths in its trail before elders took steps to forestall further disaster.
Please it only applies when a woman have sex with another man other than her husband. I don’t think the gods considers sex between 2 women as sex so you have nothing to worry about. If its what you want, I assure you, you will be fine.
On coming out, my opinion has always been that my sexual life is private and I owe nobody a coming out but if you feel that coming out will fill a void in you and make you happy, please by all means do so but cautiously.
trystham
August 13, 07:46????Your gods must be really into some very kinky shit. Who could have known?
Mannie
August 13, 10:04Hey Gad, thank you.
Yeah I was going to take my shot because I believed it only affects the woman when she sleeps with another man. Until I heard it also affects two cousins that sleeps with themselves, and the list goes on and on. I think the only valid remedy for my situation (because I know it won’t get any better), is financial independence.
Mandy
August 13, 11:17I had to go read your kito story to acquaint myself with your story. You’re the one whose dad was researching homosexuality or something. And then your mother asked if you’re gay. To be honest, if it were me, I would have utilized this opportunity to work on my parents. Work on their seeming tolerance for homosexuality. Constantly push conversations surrounding gay people with them. “Oh Simi apologized to the LGBT community… Mummy, what do you have to say about that?” “The police in Benin are arresting gay men… Daddy, what are your thoughts on that?”
And with your siblings… you really aren’t doing yourself any favours if you continue to stay silent every time they spew homophobic stuff. Charity begins at home. Maybe gently chastise your sisters whenever they say the things they say or (depending on how much older than you he is) also gently rebuke your brother when he says his own things. Sometimes, homophobia thrives because humanity is silent. And homophobia falters when it is confronted by the voice of humanity.
Try speaking up more with your siblings, and you’d be surprised how it may make them question the things they have so blindly believed about homosexuality.
Jatau
August 17, 22:38Very well said oga, Its comments like these that put you in the so-called celebrity status of the liberated and ‘confidently reasonable’ 2%. “homophobia falters when it is confronted …” yet a 14-year old stranger had you silent and you advise the poster to ‘chastise’ and ‘rebuke’ his family members . Alls I’m saying is, “mind how you point” some people actually apply the stuff they read here . na waka I dey waka I no fit siddon o!
20 years is a little early for all this ‘ronu’ , live your life the best way you can, take it one day at a time , it will surprise you how ‘grace ‘ for each season of your life comes when you get there. like most people rightly said , ‘You will be fine ‘ .
Mandy
August 17, 22:58Please, shut up, oga. And the next time you want to come for me with your ignorant comments about my own experiences, at least try and READ the differences in context and situation. And understand the advice I am suggesting before you blunder here to make a fool of yourself. Did I tell you I didn’t know what I was saying, that I didn’t take into account what he said before I said what I said? Unlike you, I actually READ a story and imagine the scenarios implied by the writer before I offer advice.
A 14 year old confronting me out of the blue with his suspicion of my homosexuality is a vastly different scenario from a steady atmosphere of homophobia suffocating someone by his family members.
Both situations are different. Understand context. It will help you in life.
And the writer asked for suggestions on what to do and I offered mine. I’m not forcing him to do anything. If you have a different way of handling your affairs, by all means, drop them in your own comments instead of coming here to pass off your passive aggressive nonsense on me.
Please geddifok from here and let me see fresh air to breathe. Nonsense and silly humans.
Olutayo
August 17, 23:06“gently chastise”… “gently rebuke”… Did you miss those adjectives or were you simply too much in a hurry to come for Mandy? You people should grow up. Before, he was accused of being internally homophobic. Now apparently, he can’t advise someone on how to curb homophobia, because 14-year-old boy.
Grow up, dude.
Plus, he is right. Charity does begin at home. All this crying we are crying for homophobia to end in the society. Who do you think the society is? Your family. Your friends. If you keep expecting the society to less homophobic, and you go back home to homophobic family members who you are doing little to nothing about educating on how to be more empathetic, who do you think you are doing?
Have sense in how you counter someone’s comments and don’t let your own fears or your feelings about the person cloud your sensibilities.
Iremide
August 13, 14:13Hello dear, you will get passed it when the time comes but my advice for you is be careful with your parent because have seen and hear about parents that have full understand about the situation but when it comes to their own they’re never understanding. My parents ???? and siblings understand what gays when they watch them on TV but the day I threw the question at them (what will be there reaction if a member of their family is Queer) God, come and see how the house was so that hot with different stupid talks from them. It really surprise me that they can understand outsider but they don’t want their own to be and they’re very very judge mental about it. One of the point I picked from what my people said was about them and the society seeing them as non capable parents to raise children in a right way. This feelings and the blame they put on their selves makes things worst… So please be sure of your parents before coming out to them… As I am I don’t think am going to come out to any family member… Though they’ve been talking about marriage which I still turn off because my senior ones are married so am the next in line. So dear work towards your career and achieve great things in life. marriage is the less concern now, when the time come you will solve the problem… Cheers ?
Hoyeh
August 15, 08:17Hi Mannie, your coming out is not in anyway necessary. If you decide to come out to your parents all because you sees them to be understanding might turnout to be something else when they get your siblings involved.
Secondly getting married to a straight lady might be a good solution, all you need to do is settle your family outside the town or state where your work place is, so that you can visit them at interval. By so doing you will have a good time to yourself. Pele en!