Dear KD: I Wonder About Him
So this thought has been lingering on my mind for a while now, and it got triggered again when I saw a missed call a few nights ago. The missed call was from a really close family friend. He’s like a brother from another mother. This was a very small thing that got me thinking, not for the first time – what does this dude really want? Does he like me? Does he like me like me? Or is all this perseverance to remain close a result of the fact that both our families have been really beneficial to each other over the years?
Even though our families were close, me and him – we never really became close till very recently. We schooled in different states – different countries at some point – and then, there was the hustle to become independent. It was only after we sort of got settled in our individual lives that we reunited and got really close, despite the fact that we don’t live in the same city. But anytime I visit Abuja, I stay at his place, and he always ensured I had memorable visits; always such an attentive, generous host to me.
At some point during all this, I began to develop feelings for him. But his heterosexuality is always so apparent. There are always the talks and pictures he shows me of the girls he dates at each time, and the details of his sexcapades he tells me, without my asking. And then, he’d always segue into questions about my own girlfriends, and I’d always find a way to change the topic. Sometimes, when he’s driving and I’m in the car alone with him, we are gisting, he’d always lazily reach out his hand to touch and rub my thigh. Whether it’s a conscious or unconscious move, I can never tell. I however have to bear the awkwardness of the situation.
And with the awkwardness I feel comes resentment at him for being responsible for all these clashing feelings I’m battling with. The resentment also throws me back into the past, as I recall how, over the years, I’ve unwittingly pushed away so many good (straight) friends I grew up with, who I gradually grew to realize existed apart from me with a huge divide between us. I am gay. They are straight. I want to talk about boys. They want to talk about girls. I love fashion. They love football. I want to point out what I saw on E!. They want to know what’s happening on ESPN. I just want to laugh and gist and be happy and bitchy. But I can’t be myself with them.
And so, I let go of these friendships. The burden of carrying on a false persona was simply too much for me. But they wouldn’t let go. They kept in touch frequently, called, texted – all even though I never made the effort to stay in touch.
It was all so exhausting.
And this guy – this family friend cum sexual interest – is present in my life, reawakening all that inner turmoil, making me exhausted all over again.
And so, I have questions. How do I endure this? Should I even endure or simply cut him out of my life? If I have to remain friends with him, how do I handle all these situations he keeps up when he talks about girlfriends and pussy? Do I risk the end of our friendship by telling him who I really am? Do I remain hidden behind the veils, or should I pull the blinds apart and show him who I really am?
Submitted by Posh6666
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55 Comments
Ace
July 07, 04:15Keep the friendship the way it is, don’t risk it or think too much about it. If it is going to happen between you guys, it will happen on its own time.
Mandy
July 07, 04:17Ask yourself this: how much will it hurt if he is no longer your friend? If you can live with him not being around, then you have nothing to lose by telling him who you are. Tell him and keep your fingers crossed that he will stay.
If on the other hand you can’t picture not being around him, then by all means, remain closeted with him.
trystham
July 07, 04:31This (is) used to be me(???). I guess we a av bin so starved of love and acceptance as regards being gay we can’t function properly with heteros who like us for us without crushing on/suspecting them. But don’t even try it. Worry Away. Resent all u can, but no outing o. Oh, try to knoe of he is a natural toucher or he just gets (too) familiar with u and decide to tell him to keep his hands to himself the next time if he isn’t.
Dennis Macaulay
July 07, 04:33I am with Mandy on this one, do a risk-reward assesment before deciding. All my close friends are either gay or straight people who know about my sexuality and are cool with it.
Life is hard enough as it is, no need making it more difficult for myself by forming close bonds with people I have to pretend around!
Francis
July 07, 06:03“Life is hard enough as it is, no need making it more difficult for myself by forming close bonds with people I have to pretend around”
Gbam! #ThatsAll
ronniephoenix
July 07, 05:25Reblogged this on ronniephoenix's Blog.
ronniephoenix
July 07, 05:26MANDY, said it all.
Max
July 07, 05:28Honey if you know what’s good for you, close your mouth. Like shut it, lock it and throw away the keys.
Revealing your true feelings never ends well. Take it from someone who’s been down that road one too many times
Iyke
July 07, 05:34Posh?!!!
All I see r the punctuations!
Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!
pinkpanthertb
July 07, 06:29LOL!!! Iyke!
Masked Man
July 07, 08:08Don’t we all know how the punctuations came to be?
Iyke
July 07, 05:44But on a more serious note, this stuff can be frustrating, exhausting nd everything inbtw!
I’ve been having same recently, even yesterday. Gisting with dude nd he touches leg, kneads d flesh, rakes fingers through leg hairs nd all! Stirring omo boy up like kilode while talking about dry assed gals that dont send him. Ah ah! Dopemu laso laso! The only thing keeping me 4rm literally sinking my claws on me is his shallow way of reasoning nd………………… Acne(huge ones)! Dude won’t stop disturbing them nd thus they look like boils! I have proffered all solutions but d oga won’t hear!
Acne………… Keeping me away from compound kito!
Peak
July 07, 06:09Whatever you are feeling is quite natural, and would eventually fade with time. The feelings would become less frequent as you get older. We tend to be drawn to men (especially straight) who are nice, gentle and pay extra attention to us. Keep calm and ur mouth shut, play the part of a good friend. He is bound to notice u are diffenent and ask you. Your answer would then be dependent on how close you guys are or how you think/know he feels about gay ppl and gay related issues (Gay issues is a hot topic these days and u can hardly miss it) his disposition about gay issues and how he fits into ur life after whatever u feel for him has COMPLETELY faded would inform u if he deserves and can handle the truth.
Dennis Macaulay
July 07, 06:32Okay I am starting to like peak!
But I do know some people in this obodo KD are already drinking “peak milk”.
**zips mouth**
pinkpanthertb
July 07, 06:35*carefully examining my manicured nails*
Dennis Macaulay
July 07, 06:53PP anything you want to share?
pinkpanthertb
July 07, 07:15I’m just here on my own minding my own business o.
Peak
July 07, 07:25Hahahahaha
Brother Dennis, after months of absence, I see you have taken up the shovel and resumed work on my matter issorite. No need playing the “I know what you did last summer” routine with me cos I know what I did. How that info moved from Lagos to Phc **sigh** taya me.
Do ve a nice day Mr grave digger.
Dennis Macaulay
July 07, 07:55@Peak Oh I have multiple sources.
pinkpanthertb
July 07, 06:33Lol. Hate it all you want, keredim. It’s a word that’s here to stay. What with all these gay men and women running around, not accepting who they are, and yet hoping God will ‘cure’ them.
pinkpanthertb
July 07, 06:39Early onset Internalized Homophobia? 😀
That kind enough for you?
Sinnex
July 07, 07:00You just can’t keep pushing people away.
You need to put your emotions in check.
We have all been in the same situation before.
You can find out if he is homophobic by asking him about gay related topics. Ask him if he has seen Sense8, HTGAWM, Glee or even Empire. Ask him on his opinion of the gay characters. His response would reveal his stance on homosexuality.
Just because he talks about girls and sex doesn’t mean he is straight. You need to see me when I talk about girls and their anatomy. My colleagues even call me ‘Badoo’ Pastor.
It all depends on the risk you are willing to take. I remember doing something very risky some weeks ago and putting myself in a potential kito situation, but it all worked out and I have no course to regret.
On the other hand, I don’t think you should do anything. In fact, kill every feelings you have for him. There is a likelihood that he is going to squeal to your family if you make a move. Don’t avoid him. Pick his calls and continue meeting him. I am sure he has shortcomings. Why don’t you focus on them. This might be very rash, but you can start hating him. I do that a lot when i like someone. I get close to them and look for their shortcomings, then I focus on them, before you know it, the feelings would just fizzle away.
The key word here is ‘self preservation’. Think with your head and not with your dick.
In all, are you willing to take a risk and damn the consequences?
posh6666
July 07, 07:40Thanks guys and Pinkie….Though am yet to read ur own thoughts.Gosh u guys are such morning persons on this blog 4am?una no dey sleep?i cant function properly that early will just be moody and carrying a long face about.Anyways thanks for ur opinions i believe alot of us have this kind of issue.Like its not hard enough growing up and enduring the numerous dramas and name callings which most white kids would have probably committed suicide,we now grow up and start wondering who has hidden agenda against us,and just messes with ones self esteem sometimes.Like 3 among them have called me again since i sent this post to pinkie saying how bad i am and snubbish.I will try take it one day at a time and put some of the opinions to use.
Masked Man
July 07, 08:13OAN: Pope Francis was in Ecuador. Was it just me? That man looks sexy in all white. Those smile and eyes that can see your soul. Pls, is there anything like ‘First Lady of the Vatican’?
Francis
July 07, 08:25Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!
Masked Man
July 07, 08:55Oh both of you pls chill. Humour.
Masked Man
July 07, 09:39Look who’s talking about taste. Oh Francis pls chill. Do you have any taste? Lol! Don’t let us open your chapter.
Masked Man
July 07, 09:59Francis, you want to leave a stench hanging on kd atmosphere today abi?
Tiercel de Claron
July 07, 13:11No “First Lady of the Vatican”,only the Secretary of State,the Camerlengo and the Roman Curia
sensei
July 08, 14:54Hahahahaa
Khaleesi
July 07, 09:30I totally get how you feel, i have also had to let go of some really good friends in the past. I simply got tired of all the pretence and false appearances and made a conscious effort to stifle the friendship. I can tell that these guys were really hurt by my actions but i felt that was the only option i had. If you cant truly know and accept me for who i truly am, then i honestly cant consider you to be a friend in tje true sense of the word. I think you should watcj this guy carefully and try to find out his feelings about gays. If he’s not homophobic, you can come out to him, chances are even if he’s straight your friendship will wax stronger …
Francis
July 07, 09:56@Khaleesi na my way be this too oh. The minute you go on some gross as fuck homophobic rant, I withdraw one time till you yourself go take hand conclude say I’m feeling myself too much and not worth ya time.
There are a few I’ve withdrawn from that despite their homophobia I’d still offer my assistance to if they needed it as they’ve been really good to me
REVEREND HOT
July 07, 11:04straight friends!
mixed signals!
tell me about it…..
Diablo
July 07, 13:14He doesn’t like you in that way and thats fact. Given your tendency to be delusional posh, this is really just all in your head. And kudos to PP for the editing .
posh6666
July 07, 13:28Lmaoooooo OmG! You really hate me that much dont you?this comment reeks so much of deep anger n bitterness i can just but pray for u dear.Jesus will fix it and u will be fine at the end.*hugs*☺
Diablo
July 07, 13:55i don’t hate You, i just think you’re irritating
posh6666
July 07, 14:15Lol d feeling is mutual dear cheesy chizzie d feeling is mutual
Diablo
July 07, 14:20delusional as always…
Masked Man
July 07, 13:45No Tiercel, I need some ‘ho-e-ly’ position.
Max
July 07, 15:30Hian.. Dickslayer
Gad
July 07, 17:16Personally, I don’t see any problems here since you didn’t become friends with your friend on sexuality basis. Its natural to develop deep feelings for a guy who has been close to you and has come to mean a lot to you. He has a right to be straight just as you have the right to be gay/bi. Look at him as a brother. Keep your feelings in check. His touching you means absolutely nothing. Some people are like that. All your friends don’t have to be gay or tolerant. There are basis for each friendship that develops between people,it could be business,social,religious,romantic etc. Relate with each accordingly.
Francis
July 07, 17:24@Gad in other words we should keep peeps that make us feel like shit close to our hearts. clap for yourself
Gad
July 07, 17:38If you are really true to your words. Disown your homophobic family members ,resign from that organization that won’t allow you display your sexuality and be yourself stop patronizing businesses where you can’t be yourself. If the nonsense you just spewed was what you understood from my comments, your head needs careful examination. And you said you are a medical doctor? Tragic.
Francis
July 07, 17:54@Gad: I’m not going to stoop so low as to start flinging nasty words with you like you do here with folks that are allegedly your children’s mates.
I’ve been through depression and back and I tend to detach myself from anything that has the tendency to trigger it. I see no reason why i should seat down and act all cool and shit with folks who think I’m scum. I always make it a point to keep those people at a distance and never mix work/pleasure with them. Everybody stay on your lane.
I’m the kind of person that would NEVER sit and smile with someone I don’t like example christians that act all cosy and whatever with muslim but have utterly disgusting things to say about them when the doors and windows are shut. I ain’t built like that.
I don’t like homophobes and I HATE the virulent ones and I don’t have to apologize for that.
If you derive pleasure from dining with wolves, guy enjoy. We all have our eccentricities.
#NgwaBye
Gad
July 07, 18:05Francis, if you are a patient of depression and you don’t want a trigger, common sense ought to tell you that Gad is not the type of man you talk down on here without him making you realise that you do not have monopoly of insulting others. If you ever went to secondary school or are trained in a home you should know how to point out your disagreements on issues. Imagine you telling me to clap for myself. Was I even addressing you in the first place? Even if I was. I’m surprised that up to this moment you are yet to see reason to be ashamed of your first rejoinder to my comment.
Francis
July 07, 18:09@Gad Maybe I’m biased due to the load of crap I’ve seen you spill at people on some occasions since I joined this blog but decided to ignore as I don’t fancy drama all the time.
Francis
July 07, 18:10@Gad: P.S: Your words don’t make me depressed. They make me SAD about the state of affairs within the Nigerian gay community
Francis
July 07, 18:02@Gad P.S: My beef with your statement is the use of the word FRIENDS. Find something else to define this kain of relationship that ends the day one discovers the other likes to stick it or take it up the bum
Gad
July 07, 18:52@ Francis,you finally cleared all doubts ! you confess to being biased due to a bottled up resentment you have been holding against me. lol. with your likes the gay community in Nigeria really have a bright and responsible future. i pity your patients. Just wondering what the fate of a homophobic who needs medical attention will be @ your hands.i know im wasting time on you but as a christian we dont give up on the lost
Francis
July 07, 19:04@Gad: And the almighty soul saving christian in you in back. *sighs*
I treat all my patients as best as I can even if I don’t agree with their life choices like the ones that can born for Africa and those that still sleep around and come back severally with STDs for me to manage.
Me not helping a homophobe because of my prejudice is detrimental to my ever judgemental conscience so I strive to play fair, do my job, distance myself and sleep guilt-free at night.
P.S: This is what triggered me venting my bottled up resentment: All your friends don’t have to be gay or tolerant. Your own IH get as e be.
Gad
July 07, 19:25Francis,as earlier advised,except if you are being deceitful,disown all your family members who are not gay nor tolerant since you are irritated by my statement that “all his friends must not be gay or tolerant”.
Francis
July 07, 19:36@Gad: Pls kindly point out where I advised anyone to disown their straight and intolerant family and friends.
Disown: refuse to acknowledge or maintain any connection with
Disown is not the same thing as staying in your lane/keeping folks at a distance.
Francis
July 07, 21:18@Keredim69 leeme alone jor. Some pipu will just be using style to push pipu to conform with the norm and not lift a finger to create small change.
Sarcasm
December 23, 12:48Una two don’t chop bellefull
Kvng1862
February 25, 08:48Truth is, the fact that a man talks about pussies and gals and even fucks them doesn’t mean he is straight, sex talks and sex doesn’t define ur sexuality, only he knows who he truly is, don’t judge him from his talks or sexual escapades with gals. We have so many married men who still shack boys in a dark corner, while some even still take dick *lols*. I no of a situation whereby a btm has a girlfriend and sometimes i wonder how they have sex. Funny as it sounds though.
I totally agree with what sinnex said, find out his views on gay people and see his reaction, reaction says a lot than words, don’t just hear what he says but listen and see how he says it. Putting his hands on ur thighs might be a habit or mayb not, watch him closely if he does the same tin to other pple, chk his fav artists, hobby, movies, then u can start ur judgement cos all these says a lot about pple. If he is the kind of person that kips an open mind, gay or not he will like u and might even like u more for being honest with him but if he is one of the judgemental type, then ………….
All in all, don’t tell him bcos u want something with him in the future, tell him bcos u want to be honest and open with him, if he truly likes u as u claim i don’t see ur sexuality being a problem. Just be careful and think with a clear mind, don’t let ur feeling cloud ur judgement. There is a reason the heart and brains are separate and functions differently, think wisely.