Dear KD: I’m Trapped Between A Marriage And A HIV Status
After following this blog for quite some time, I finally have the courage to say what I have needed help with for a long time.
I have been HIV positive since I was 20, and now I am 28. I am gay – or maybe bisexual, although I believe I am more gay than bi. But that’s not the issue.
My family is starting to suspect that I am queer, and I have been getting matched with eligible girls, matchmaking attempts which I keep running away from. But I don’t know how long I can keep that up, seeing as I’m the first of two children and my parents are very old.
It would have been much easier to give in to these matchmakings if I wasn’t HIV positive. Since I am bi, I suspect that I can settle down with a nice lady from my town and try to make a family. But with my status, how can I get married?
This is not to say that I have a choice on whether I will get married or not. I don’t. Sadly, I must do this for my family. But I can NEVER reveal my status to my parents. I just cannot.
So then, how do I do it? I am confused. If I go ahead to start things with any of the girls I’ve been matched with, my status will surely be found out during all these church counselling sessions that they put marrying couples through. So, while I recognise that I must get married, I recognise also that I can’t, not when there is this strong a possibility of my status being discovered.
I have followed this blog long enough to see the option of seeking an arrangement with a lesbian or bisexual woman. But if I opt for that, what queer woman would want to be with a poz guy?
Finally recognizing that I need to seek advice and guidance before I drown myself in depression, I am here, desperately asking you guys, my community, what I should do? What options do I have? What would you advise me to do?
Submitted by Ade
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19 Comments
Johnny
January 22, 07:36I think you need to let your parents know your status. That’s the only way you can escape from this. Straight men get HIV too. They might let you have the option of having children only and not marriage. Come on, these people will get old and die. They won’t live your life for you. You will be the one with the wahala in the future.
Jaycee
January 22, 07:55I feel you should let your parents know your status. My parents are aware of my status not my sexuality and they do not even pressure me whatsoever to get married rather, my mum always ask questions about the possibilities of me getting married, which i always try to avoid.
Lopez
January 22, 08:27You must do this for your family but you can’t even tell them your status? What is your reason for not letting them know about your status, that’s where to start from. You deserve happiness, if you’re ever getting married do it for yourself. Secondly you can seek a Hiv+ woman and settle with if you intend to keep your status a secret.
GODSPOWER
January 22, 09:07ok. So am positive. And i have this girl who is crazy about me. She is 25yrs and i’m 20. She knows about my status and doesnt care cos she is exposed and not ignorant. The only thing she doesnt know is that i am queer. I know a married couple who the husband is positive and wife is negative, they still has sex raw and birth kids who are negative. as long u are undetectable u cant infect anyone.
Delle
January 23, 10:30What are your plans for this 25 year old girl?
Milton
January 22, 09:15If you must do this (get married) for your family, then you should let your parents know your status. I had my diagnoses when I was 22 and on the day I collected my first bottle of ARVs, I told my parents and they’ve been supportive ever since.
Truth is, if and when you eventually decide to get married, do not ever do it for your parents. You need to do it for yourself, because you want to. Else, this depression you don’t want to drown yourself in will eventually overwhelm you.
The way I see it though, first option is to tell your folks your status. Questions will be asked, answer them wisely and keep certain details to yourself. Pros: they might ease up on the pressure for a while, hopefully enough time to get your head thinking and in the right frame of mind, it could also make your parents a lot more understanding. Cons: they might not see you the same again and perhaps, just perhaps, it might disappoint them.
Second option, if you really do want to have a family of your own (because you want to), then don’t let your status limit you. Open your heart, fall in love and choose to make this person a life partner. Find you a mate who understands what is going on, who knows about HIV and every option available to limit her risk of infection to the barest minimum.
Alternatively, you can consider other options. Every other option you have been reading on here is viable dependable on what you want. Your status shouldn’t be an issue if you find a partner who understands shii.
Ade, the way I see it though. You are trapped in your head and not between marriage and your HIV status and you need to sort things out in your head, eventually.
Sending you lots of love.
Delle
January 23, 10:31This!
ken
January 22, 09:22You have three choices: either you come clean with your family at least with your hiv status. (Infact that can be a good reason not to get married.) Since u want kids there are other options like ivf and surrogacy. You will need the support of your family or friends to move ahead. Head or tail, some of your truth has to come out. 2nd option is to come out of the closet bullshit everybody and live your life without looking back. 3rd option, look for a poz lesbian or straight lady to marry
Adeju
January 22, 10:20Hello there Ade! It’s certainly your choice to let your family know or not but them finding out might not be as bad as you think! Love and light would follow you through!
Also, because you’re positive doesn’t stop you from getting married! I work in a mental hospital and was beyond wowed when I met a female patient with her husband, she’s being managed for postpartum depression, they are young couples because both are in their late 20’s, illiterate and she’s positive (was raped multiple times) but she’s married to this guy now and both him and their baby is negative! He knows about her story and status but still loves and supports her nonetheless! Her status is a secret between them and they are living happily and well. Remember they are illiterates and not really exposed! But love and light found her! I hope it finds you too.
Kelly
January 22, 10:25Look for hiv+ lady in your care group nd get married too.
Carlos
January 22, 11:22HIV isn’t a death sentence neither a disease for just coloured folks.
Simple, only come out open about your status to the one you trust and love.
Marital pressures should not be your focus but rather, if you wish to start a relationship with a lady, then begin with friendship. Grow together and see if she is worthy of trust. Only then can you be sure that her attention isn’t just on what she stands to gain but, on her love for you.
Your parents do not need to know.
Guy
January 22, 14:31I see you believe your HIV status is the bigger issue, not your sexuality. Well I think it shouldn’t be, and for your parents, it could work in your favor on the persistent marriage topic.
If you’re probably Bi as you say and are comfortable with the idea of marrying a woman or you probably really want to get married, I think you could embark on the search for an understanding woman by yourself, she could be positive, a lesbian, etc. You might reveal your status to your parents so as to let them off your back, or maybe not.
I understand it’s a tough place and I hope you’re independent enough to make decisions for yourself. Your parents are very old as you say, but you have your life, a long life to live.
Franky
January 22, 14:41When you’re ready, visit any Heart to Heart immaculate centre with you partner/ fiancee for counselling. They’ll advice you both and put her on Prep medication so she wouldn’t be able to contact HIV during intercourse.
Its totally possible for your wife and children to be Hiv free, but it takes the right informaion and knowing the right thing to do….
See you have a choice, whether to tell your parents about your status, if you dont want them to know, then do not bother telling them, BUT as for your spouse/partner, you definitely do not have a choice, She has to know, so she’ll be able and ready to accept the challenges that will come when she has to start taking her medications to protect both her and her unborn child…. She has to know…
And don’t worry, you’ll definitely be fine, i know that..
Blackie
January 22, 14:53Dear Ade, if you are undetected and wants to marry a woman , i advise you should seek for a woman in your care group or any other group that is also undetected and work things out with her. I thing the problem here is your sexuality because, it’s no longer a big problem for poz people these days in terms marriage.
Slim
January 22, 15:56Everyone with his own unique wahala. My own parents know so much about the possibility of two consenting adults getting married (+ or -) gathered from their position as pastors over the years.
I just don’t fancy getting married to a man or woman. I just want to be a wonderful daddy and not a husband
Pezaro
January 22, 17:04I could give anything to not be in your position right now. It’s like standing between a rock and a hard place and I do feel your pain. I’d advise you to reveal your status to your family only if you’re certain they’ll take it without much fuss. Otherwise keep it pending while exploring other options. Talk to your care-giver, I’m sure there are also several poz women out there who are keen to get matched to a poz man, since you’re admittedly bi you shouldn’t have any problems getting along with her??? I still believe a lady who genuinely loves you would be willing to go the distance with you irrespective of your status, so you can actually begin a rapport with the girls and see where it will lead.
I really think the issue here is speaking up and speaking out, talk to trusted allies, support groups, visit NGO’s and discuss this with them, I’m almost certain that you’d be lucky to find a poz woman who’s either willing to settle down permanently or just make babies and move on.
I really hope you come out of this pretty soon *hugs*
Haiku
January 22, 17:34I got this wierd questions, not really nice ones but
1. I become so sad, when reading comments and be like people got diagnosed with HIV by 20yrs🤦🏿♂️
2. What makes us gay men to always think lesbians will always be coming for our ‘marriages’ with them, don’t they need to be with their girls? What about when they’ll stop coming through?
Ok, people should come out of closet or at least find a reason to tell out when feeling pressurized into marriages. e g fake lack of virility, impotence, HIV status (not fake when true) etc
S.Freude
January 23, 06:14Hey Ade,
Hoping you get to read this.
I do not think being poz is a big issue. However, I understand your reluctance to tell your family. You must not if you are not comfortable telling them. This brings me to the next issue.
If you MUST not tell them but choose to marry, then, you must select the spouse yourself. Surely, there are lots of lesbian and/or bisexual women with whom you can come to an agreement/arrangement – whichever would work for you guys.
Do not overthink this. It’s not that deep really. Of course, need I say, it helps if you are independent of your parents.
alex
January 27, 06:48Hmmm. I personally don’t think that you should get married to a woman seeing as you’re queer. But if you must, I suggest that you marry a woman who is positive. I would NOT recommend that you tell your parents under ANY circumstances. You and your spouse should keep the secret from your entire families. Stigma is real, and word might get out sooner or later. I don’t think you can stop seeing men if you’re married, so maybe don’t get married and focus on your career and stuff? Some men get married at 40. You’re way too young for marriage bro