Dear KD: What Do I Do About My Commitment To Him?
We met online. And he has been an incredible person to get to know. We talk on the regular and he is very charming. Very frank. Very open.
And I am starting to catch feelings.
He told me he is bisexual. And in his own words, he was “converted” five years ago.
These are the things that are worrying me, making me unsure how to commit to him.
I want to commit. I like him. A lot. And he is a great guy. He says the right things, the sweetest things. He sweeps me off my feet with every word he says and every text he sends. He is heavy on the romance.
But I don’t know how real this is.
Can anyone advise me on how to proceed with this, because he is that kind of guy whose friendship I would still very much like to keep if the idea of a relationship doesn’t work out.
Written by Gae
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33 Comments
Delle
May 17, 08:03Have you met this guy? Phone conversations can only tell so much. There’s nothing more important than an organic meet-up.
I do understand that it can be quite disturbing to want to give your heart to someone with such a mindset, but you can be the drug he needs. Your being in his life can cause a remarkable change. I do not believe one’s mentality is a sum total of his personality.
Gae
May 17, 08:13Hello Delle,
No, We haven’t seen in person.
Delle
May 18, 08:23Well you should. As soon as you can. It helps with clarity on a lot of things. Trust me.
So fix a meet and go there hoping to find answers. Do not be scared to question, to prod, to assess. And be as open to him as you can because he also has a right to know whom he is with.
You can change a person. With maturity, patience, consistency…you can make him better.
Gae
May 20, 07:37This is well appreciated Delle.
Thank you?
Lyanna
May 19, 17:30Never commit…never ever love( I mean catch feelings) for someone you haven’t met in person. Admire, yes, like, yes but feelings? Naaa. People aren’t always the same as they are online. So, like I said, “like” but not so much that their actions or inactions affect ggyoudgeeply.
Gae
May 20, 07:38Well understood, I’ll work on that. Thank you so much Lyanna?
IBK
May 17, 09:43Dear Gae
It’s nice that you’ve met someone who makes you happy and I understand your reservations. have you asked him some questions? If he dates you will it be monogamous or does he intend to have a girlfriend too? Will you be fine with that? Is he comfortable in his sexuality to not suddenly disappear on you when/if he’s rethinking? In a honest and non confrontational way allay your fears and hopes for what could be a relationship and if you are satisfied by what he says then you could enter a sort of “probation” period with him. It usually takes about 3 months before eyes become clear and whatever persona is being built during the courtship phase cracks. Even if he does love you and mean everything he sends to you sooner or later real life could break the infatuation so you’ll need something more concrete than sweet words to keep the relationship going.
Black Dynasty
May 17, 10:38Pretty much sums up what I was going to say.
Meet up with him in person and have an open/honest conversation on wants, expectations, future plans etc to ensure you’re on the same page.
Big believer of the 90 day rule too, don’t commit until you’re sure you’re both going the same route and it’s better after a few weeks. Actions should consistently match with words over this time…. for both him and you.
Gae
May 17, 17:59Thank you so much IBK.
I have tried to ask him (on a very casual note) some of these questions.
What he emphasizes more is the friendship which I am very cool with.
Black Dynasty
May 18, 05:59Ah hmm, they say “never let a man tell you twice, that he doesn’t want to be with you”. The first time should be enough…
If he’s emphasised friendship, I’ll suggest you leave it at friendship….
tyler
May 17, 09:59I’ve been there brother. give it time it will die. they seem perfect at the beginning but they eventually change.
Gae
May 17, 18:04Thank you. Yeah, I am going to give it time but I hope his feeling doesn’t die and he doesn’t change.
ken
May 17, 10:08Stay away from him. Sweet empty words and feelings of guilty and rejection afterwards. Na dem!
Gae
May 17, 18:06Lmao… I know right!
Higwe
May 17, 12:38So in kitodiaries ‘ terminology ….you met a TB ? ???????
Gae
May 20, 12:18???
tee
May 17, 14:14hi Gae,
will like to advice you from experience though it might not work for everyone but it takes time and maturity,
If you are able to start a good friendship and forget about is bi{ness} . encouraging to protect himself. it will be a tick.
at times he cant convey his feelings b’cos he’s yet to identify where he goes from there. another signs you need to know if he’s into you. if he tells you everything he does and where he wants to go and cant do with out you. i could narrate mine and see if it will help with yours.
i met him online 5 yrs ago after relocation back to my country and he being foreigner from Nigeria living in Ghana. we met online as usual and started talking. he was handsome though wasn’t my type since i wasn’t into fair skin guys but he ask for a chatted and we started and later took my number and whatsapp etc. we continue the conversation and realized we have a lot in common {such as religiously dispose, trying to make new friends and having the same birthday just few days apart}. he invited me to join him in his current church and i did and wasn’t disappointed. it became a routine we meeting occasionally though he tells me about him being sought out online by both men and women and most times invites me to join him when they ask them for a date, mind you he’s told the guys he isn’t gay and most of them have ask for friendship with him but he told me he’s been involve in gay sex before but with just a family friend who seduce him whom i happened to meet when i came with him to Nigeria. fast forward going on double dates with his girl friends and outing with the guys because a thing that most of the girls end up asking if we were gays base on his affection towards me which i didn’t pay attention till the third girl said before it dawn on me. so i had to cancel most of the double date thing which didn’t go well with him. all this time we were smashing and couldn’t have enough till he found a girl he fall in love with and invited to church forgetting he’s dating one girl in the church . i had a hutch and warned him against it he said he can handle anything hence a clash of the ladies and then i was caught in the line of fire between all of them and that was when i said my good byes to all of them. the ladies was blaming me that i am the one spoiling him and he claim i played favoritism since i was hanging with the church girl i got so mad i left . he tried reaching me i pick calls alright we talked but i decided to stay away. this is after a year and it was our first fight and my fight in my life.
through my friendship with him i met some Nigerian guys i became familiar with but most of the started reaching out to me and i didn’t get the reason why they kept calling me and asking me to go sit some where let drink and talk which i often oblige to. then one of the invitation to the house of one of the acquaintances my host ask me about my friend and i simply said he’s okay since i hate discussing people behind their backs. that very day my kept asking me to drink when he’s aware i don’t drink but insisted i will sleep since it late and it raining it not save for me to go home. we were chatting and then i got the bomb. my friend had talking about me to his friends to the extent everything i told him out of his jealousy to know why his friends call me he spill it to them to the extent when all is said and done the guy ask me if we were husband and wife and who is man and who is woman .i just laugh it off and told him we are all man and woman .{ he wasn’t the only one i heard he told though and all of them cam back to tell me though i pretend not to be aware of anything}
After a long hiatus from him he reach out to after one of his friends decided to come seduce me and he didn’t out fear went to report himself but didn’t speak the truth. less i forget we were talking but not often i was just brief and short . i felt he hasn’t apologized formally for disrespecting me and i didn’t make him aware i heard everything he’s been saying. he came to my house unannounced one evening don’t know what he want but said wanted to see me and he was with a friend but said he wants to talk to me in private so we left to my room and left his friend in the hall. he started reporting himself to me which i found it wield and after ask if i have forgiven him though i ask if he had ever since me hold grudges he which answered no to but added i often stay away from negativity or anything that will harm. he tried kissing me to make up but it was the awkward kiss ever which he realized it so stopped .
on my birthday a friend had a party for me and on our way home my cousin offered to drop him off half way and he went blabbing again to him that it seems i am avoiding him so i didn’t accept his invite to take me out on my birthday but chose my school father’s request my cousin called and told me that what ever is going we should squash it . honestly speak i don’t resent on hate anyone but it just dawn on me he was in love with me and didn’t know how to say and funny enough he ask me to the pool the following week knowing very well i love to swim and we had the craziest sex in the bathroom after swimming since we were the only one at the pool. we made up up we are still together till now . he started asking me how i became bi since i never told him about mine and the people i dated . i told him i don’t date i have friend with benefit but it just one person and when i he saw their pic he became jealous again and the endless calls kept coming and when we are out he make sure to check if my exes with benefits mind u they are only 2. and i am cool with all of them which makes him uncomfortable though he knows i am not bothered about his sexual affairs with other female he tries so much so make it my business. i just listen and voom it gone. one thing he started doing of recent is he will tell you i am doing it for you which i find it laughable and i believe because i didn’t accept his proposal on valentines day. he kissed me in an uber and told me he loved me and gave me a bar of chocolate and flower . took the chocolate and rejected the flower. seriously don’t know how i feel about him . i think i am more comfortable with having him as a friend and smashing . don’t know how my story will inspire you but i feel if you over look what he does and just be there as a friend they miss you even if they leave. cos all the friends he was talking to he came back complaining about them even though i advice him to make peace with them . be a good friend first so when things go soar the friendship wouldn’t
Gae
May 17, 18:32Thank you so much for sharing Tee, I did read through, I got inspired by it and it is cool.
J
May 18, 21:30Tee my dear, which school did you attend? I thought I am the only one struggling with English and punctuation marks. Dear we got a lot of work to do.
J
May 17, 16:42I don’t know the level of your homosexuality, but it seems you’re the type that likes stability. I don’t agree with people that say they are converted because such people don’t take responsibility for their actions, so please don’t get too attached to him. Play along and see how it goes, be prepared for the worse so you won’t come crying on kitodiaries.
Most of these guys are experimenting and looking for fun, don’t be their specimen. Guard your heart and be very stingy with it, so that it wouldn’t be inflicted with misery and deceit. Save it for Mr Right and if he doesn’t come keep it for your mental health.
Gae
May 17, 18:43I’ll guard my heart well o. Thank you for the advice.
J
May 17, 20:51You’re welcome Gae, goodluck from big sis ?
Jinchuriki
May 17, 19:39Simply put, you’re confused. If he likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.
J
May 17, 20:50That’s true you have a point ?
Gae
May 18, 07:44A very valid point.
I don’t want to invest so much emotions into this.
Just like Big sister J said, I’ll guard my heart. Thanks sis??
J
May 18, 21:23Yes dear stay cool ???
Patrick
May 18, 23:13“Big sister J” ???
Only J could countenance this distinction!
How’s it going, J ?
J
May 19, 07:29? Very well Patrick, thanks for stopping by
Astar
May 17, 21:28Just be careful with that guy. Anyone who holds other person responsible for their being gay can do the unthinkable when you are least expecting it. Is he bisexual because someone converted him or because he’s attracted to both male and female?
Gae
May 18, 07:48Being careful is the way to go… Thank you Astar?
Tobi
May 18, 02:27I think, For me what i’ll advise you to do is Give it a test of time. When i Mean test of time, I mean just chill for a while before taking any major steps. You guys talk, Have fun etc. However, be sure your heart and his too is in the right place before you take any major step and like my Secondary school teacher would say “Time will tell”.
Gae
May 18, 07:50Apt!
Thank you Tobi.
I appreciate this.
chuksmax
May 20, 16:43if the friendship is important to you dont let sex ruin it… be patient the feeling will go away……………………………