Dear KD: I’m Married. I’m Gay. And I’m Dying.

Dear KD: I’m Married. I’m Gay. And I’m Dying.

Hello. I have been wanting to reach out for a long while, but each time I try, I always find myself lacking the words to say what I feel. I’m thirty-one years old, and married with three children.

For some time now, I’ve been having these strong feelings for men, so strong and so often that most times, I find myself wishing I was never married. As cliché as this might sound of us married gay men, I am dating a young man. And whenever I’m with my boyfriend, I feel so complete. I feel this freedom that I don’t ever have with my wife. For the record, I was already married before I discovered who I truly am, before I discovered my attraction to men. And the fact that this newness is now threatening to take over me makes me confused, unsure how to handle it. Oftentimes, I even just want to run away. Or maybe get a divorce. But I’m hampered by my obligations to my family.

Because, you see, I love my wife. She is the best woman there is. I just feel like I don’t deserve her. And like I’m punishing her, because as it is now, our sex life is almost dead.

I appear happy outwardly but every day that passes by, I die a little bit on the inside because I’m 100% certain that I’m gay. When I started feeling ‘too gay’ for my comfort, I was alarmed and proceeded to do everything I could to stop. It was all an exercise in futility. I have now accepted the fact that I’m gay and I don’t want to fight it again.

But here I am, bothered, dying behind the happy facade of a family man.

I need help. What do I do?

Submitted by Blue Ice

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  1. y
    March 29, 07:52 Reply

    The truth shall set you free.
    Cliche but true.

  2. Mandy
    March 29, 08:23 Reply

    There are children involved. That’s what makes this harder.

    • IBK
      March 29, 08:54 Reply

      Not like the woman he married is much of an issue

      • Mandy
        March 29, 09:01 Reply

        That’s what makes this hard-ER. You can like to save your sarcasm for something more deserving. Of course the wife is an issue. But if there were just a childless couple, it’s be easier to advise him to own up his truth to her and probably dissolve their marriage. But they have children… ‘the truth shall set you free’ is not so clean cut in this case.

        • Duke
          April 01, 17:29 Reply

          This is the kind of “let us look at the complex side of the issue” that keeps most homosexuals in darkness. The difficulty of focusing on truth needn’t keep us from dismissing it. “Truth will set you free” is a simple philosophy. More and more us need to live by it, rather tell tales about (and give justifications to) the hardship of our individual situations. The sooner we start telling one another “you need to come out” the better.

  3. DarkSide
    March 29, 08:58 Reply

    Some situations are like a gangrenous limb that is beyond redemption. Something drastic then MUST happen. Either the limb is cut off or its not, and the man dies. That is the kind of situation you are in. Whichever way you choose, men must die.
    Brace yourself. Something drastic MUST happen. The only way to avoid this is change your sexuality which you can’t. Of all the possible drastic outcomes, which is most tolerable? Perhaps you should choose that, on your own terms. Or you can’t sit tight and let events unfold, let one outcome will choose itself.
    Just brace yourself. You can’t escape paying a high price. Let this reality sink in. Even as you do so, you need a support system. People you can talk to. Someone who won’t judge.
    I wish you the best

  4. AJ
    March 29, 09:00 Reply

    Hello, I sincerely feel for you right now and I must say that I’m touched by your story. Life is not going to end and I want you to believe that you’re not dying. This is a big phase I must say but first, don’t allow emotions take over your HAPPINESS. You MUST LOVE yourself, your wife and your kids more. I’d advise you to be that amazing Dad that you’re to your kids. Embrace them! If you’re cool with it, allow your boyfriend meet them. Play with them. At this point, teach them what it means to LOVE themselves and people around them. As for your wife, you’d have to get into an intimate discussion with her. I’d advise you don’t involve any external party even family for the first and second phase because things can get nasty. Also, don’t rush your words with her. Allow it sink in. Give her time to figure it out. Have at the back of your mind that this takes PATIENCE. And please, don’t EVER act like a FOOL to her. Don’t tell her “it’s my life, bla bla bla”. I believe you’re one hell of a STRONG MAN and you can overcome this challenge and embrace your new life. Life is so much sweeter when you live without fear. Take a deep breath, drink water and say to yourself, I OVERCOME. You’d see that things will begin to turn around for you. God bless you. YOU WILL BE FINE!

    • Mandy
      March 29, 09:06 Reply

      Don’t rush your truth on her. And definitely do not involve other family members.

    • Duke
      April 01, 17:41 Reply

      This is it. This should be the response. We can call it Damage Control in the path to aligning yourself to your truth. Enough of the justifications and the tale of victomhood that has become so normal in a community that needs to embrace the importance of looking after itself. And realise that it cannot look after itself while wavering in its conviction of living through truth.

  5. ambivalentone
    March 29, 09:19 Reply

    Wait o! Someone will read this and think ppl can ‘discover’ sexuality at ANY point in one’s life. Oga, u prolly first acted on ur gay impulses after your marriage, you hadn’t just discovered it. Please don’t fire up our teeming homophobic readership.
    U obviously didn’t/don’t love ur wife BEFORE or DURING your marriage. I suggest u cut ties with these completeness inducing bf of urs and help raise ur kids to be true to theirselves and homophilic.

    • Pink Panther
      March 29, 09:23 Reply

      Hello ambivalentone ?? I see you’re still not cutting our MGM brethren any slack whatsoever. Lol

    • Rapum
      March 29, 14:13 Reply

      This is the most insensitive comment so far.

      • Pink Panther
        March 29, 14:23 Reply

        Lol. Rapum, don’t tell me you’re not already familiar with ambivalentone and his stringent views against married gay men.

      • ambivalentone
        March 29, 14:45 Reply

        He should av thought about that when he was having extramarital affairs. Oh wait!!! Man is genetically disposed to promiscuity so its cool

      • FJ
        April 02, 00:24 Reply

        Seconded. Plus lack common sense

        • ambivalentone
          April 02, 18:44 Reply

          Hmmm, lemme see. You av pulled the age card, shown how very emotionally fickle, inconsiderate and wicked u are and u call my comment ‘senseless’? Issorai

  6. Chizzie
    March 29, 09:21 Reply

    Get a divorce and live your own truth. If you love someone ( person here being your wife) , you wouldn’t cheat on them, which is essentially what you’re doing.
    Your wife is probably feeling sexually neglected at the moment, and she might take it out on herself, think she’s unattractive or even have a motive to cheat and now the whole marriage becomes a mess.

    And don’t think that children can’t sense the rising tension that this might bring between u two, and what effect it will have on them when they become adults.

    Think of a divorce as a quid pro quo, might be a bitter pill but it really is the best for everyone involved

    • April
      March 29, 10:56 Reply

      Not true. You can love more than one person at the same time. Science, history, biology shows that it happens alot.. even the Bible has examples.

  7. simba
    March 29, 09:26 Reply

    Jezuz take the wheel, what of if she is homophobic or naive to start screaming, alerting everybody and calling her parents and yours? Or miraculously tells you, babe i know, i ve fooled with ladies before, live your life. All these are possible scenarios that may play out when u decide to have that talk with her. I hope not to be in your shoes, cus i am already scouting for a man to marry lol, but if i were in ur shoes, i ll rather rent 2 apartments, one for her and the kiddies and one for my bf, i ll be a husband but an amazing dad to my kids,provide for them as much as i can,spend days with them but more with my bf. I ll probably allow event to narrate itself to my wife and brace up for whatever she and the world will throw at me cus definitely they shall.

  8. beejay
    March 29, 09:31 Reply

    Consider this, who’s happiness matters most; your family’s, or yours? Then take into cognisance how your decision affects your mental, social and even physical health. I think you already know what you want, and are only seeking validation. What do I think? there isn’t a single person on here that can tell you what to do, best case? They can help fill in some of the gaps. Your best option right now is damage control, find a way to defuse what has become a potential time bomb in a manner that will minimize casualties and cause less pain to all parties. Whatever you conclude, be sure to take your time, don’t rush into anything, that way you’d be better prepared to face whatever results.

  9. Absalom
    March 29, 09:37 Reply

    It must have been difficult for you to open up about this.

    There is no easy answer.

    Put better: There is an easy answer but this answer is a very hard choice.

    For now, it might seem more convenient to keep your sexuality a secret from your wife, but something about the way you’ve relayed your dilemma makes me fear that you may only be postponing the day she finds out.

    For me, I’d say tell her everything. Yes, there’s the “practicality” of considering the homophobic clime we live in, BUT there’s also the larger practicality of the shortness of life. It doesn’t seem fair to me that the both of you will spend this short, already difficult, life being miserable under a problem you both can fix and move on.

    It might help a little to make her understand that you didn’t realise you are gay before you married her. It will not minimise the hurt – remember you’re already seeing someone else.

    Postponing this conversation may only make things worse. Already your sex life, according to you, is practically dead. She must be wondering why, and resentment may be building on both ends.

    You’re 31; your wife must be younger than that. The bigger hurt might actually be the both of you coming to a point 40 years from now where she realises you have wasted her time. Some people will say, What if she’s doesn’t feel betrayed? And I say, What if she DOES feel betrayed?

    Whatever you and your wife decide – to stay married or not – after discussing is up to you both, but I suggest you talk first. If you can reach an understanding, raising your kids after that should be easy.

    Personally, I don’t think Unhappiness should be rationalized and held up as something good or not-so-bad, because Happiness – which is something good – will not always come easy; you’ll have to fight and bleed for it. So it’s up to you to decide how hard you’re willing to fight not just to find your own happiness as a gay man but to give your wife the chance to find hers, too. She’s an equal partner in the marriage – your problem concerns her, too.

  10. pete
    March 29, 09:52 Reply

    What do you do?
    We can only offer suggestions but the final decision rests with you. It’s bad that your sex life is being affected and you’ve to consider your wife in whatever decision you choose as she didn’t bargain for this. If you choose to end your marriage, ensure your wife is in the know and always provide for her and the kids.
    If you decide to remain, you can always rekindle your sex life. It’s also up to you whether to tell your wife or not. Both have their pros and cons.
    If you also need a sounding board, PP can give you my details.

  11. Khaleesi
    March 29, 10:26 Reply

    Wow, this was touching to read … for those of us who knew about our sexuality from a very young age, its a bit bewildering to meet people who discover their sexuality well into adulthood and after a long period of heterosexuality; i used to disbelieve them, but now i know that such situations do exist.
    @Poster, you’ve been given a very very heavy cross to bear, but you MUST be strong and you must bear it bravely and cheerfully. In all things, your innocent children’s best interests must come first! I am firmly convinced that the moment you decide to bring another human being into this world, you are wholly and totally responsible for his/her wellbeing even @ the expense of yours! Which is why I also believe that parenting is no joke and is not meant for everyone; if you aren’t ready to sacrifice your happiness, freedom, looks, leisure time etc for another human being, then DONT bring that human being into this world! Simpliciter!
    You are a very young man with your whole life stretching ahead but there are children whom you’ve birthed and are responsible for, whatever decision you make must be in their overwhelming interest though a bit of compromise here and there can be reached to give you a bit of breathing space.
    This is one of those situations where you MUST decide for yourself what you want, no one can decide for you, all that we can do is advice and wish you the very best.
    Here’s my take: If I were you; I’d slowly and gently break the news to my wife, but i’d let her know that my overwhelming concern is the welfare of our children and that if its in the children’s best interest that we remain together, then we MUST remain together. As she’s a typical Nigerian woman, she has probably been conditioned and socialized to be deeply homophobic; this might be a chance to educate and open her mind. it will be difficult but even if the truth doesnt set you totally free, it will guide you far down that path of freedom.
    In summary: Live your truth as openly and freely as you can considering the sorrounding circumstances and always strive to achieve a balance always with the welfare and best interests of your dear children at the forefront.
    Please let us know what/when you decide and how it goes/went …
    Be strong!

  12. Amon
    March 29, 10:33 Reply

    There is absolutely nothing that heals, restores and delivers like love. Once you find it , you discover God within.
    Your boyfriend is only but a compass who have shown you that there is more to life and happiness that even your children (or wife) Cannot give you.
    Like my mother (now late) use to say…”happiness isn’t something you pick on the way to the farm”. Meaning happiness is something you seek and sacrifice for to have.

    If you were heterosexual you will still feel the same burden. Why? Because you are a good man. You don’t believe in double standards or else you would have played the card of Deceit to your wife and eat on both ends like a lot of gay men do…and for this I applaude your spirit.

    You married too early. At 31 you are already saddled with kids. On this ground, i suggest you tell your wife you are not sure you made the right choice (which is true). Alot of people rush into marriage thinking it’s all sunny and bliss forgetting The idea isn’t always the reality.

    Soon your wife will notice you’re unhappy. You can’t hide such from a woman. When she does, tell her you’re not happy and it has nothing to do with her. And that’s a fact. Also it has nothing to do with your sexuality or your boyfriend .

    It is all about what happiness really means to your soul. Take a bold step and work out your salvation but don’t tie it to anyone.

    Tommorrow your boyfriend “may” disappoint but if you have embraced your truth, you won’t hold him accountable for your decision to be happy.

    NEVER disclose your sexuality to your wife….you don’t know her heart. Just seek God and take one day at a time. Be there for your kids as a father at least if you know you can no longer be a husband to their mother.

    Am with you in faith

  13. Delle
    March 29, 10:39 Reply

    Firstly, I don’t know how that is possible you discovered your craving for men after marriage. Maybe the signs have been there all along but you ignored (suppressed more like).

    I’m really not one to counsel of give advice to MGMs but here goes;

    You both already have kids and that’s a binder. But you can’t keep living a lie. A lie that’s slowly eating you up until one day, it would have nothing to bite on but your heart.
    I’d suggest you open up to your wife what it is you are feeling. It could be difficult and may take time for you to gather the wits, but I think it’s best. If she truly loves you, she would understand.

    This is going to solve a lot of issues even the aspect of copulation cos you may think you are the only one being affected or questioning but your wife would too. You owe her this. Do not make it any more worse for her, for the kids.

    Seeing as you are 31, your kids would be pretty young (same goes for your wife all things being equal) so I do not know if divorce is an option. But talk to this woman first. If it makes you feel better, start by introducing her to stories like this and how wives have positively reacted (a little manipulation doesn’t hurt). It could cushion the effect of your own revelation. There are stories like yours here on KD.

    You could also confide in a friend and ask him to be with you when you reveal your plight to your wife. Whatever be the case, I pray you are fine. I hope this does not affect your kids. God, I hope it doesn’t.

    Take care man.

  14. Ziti
    March 29, 10:46 Reply

    To y’all saying end the marriage!just a quick question/thought yeah if his wife was a sister or family to you how and what will y’all feel about this ?
    First thing first I have nothing against married gay men!but yo you made that decision on the altar and brother you’ve got to stick with it!regardless…
    And no woman I repeat no woman after having three solid children would take the news of divorce from her husband just to be a man!i can bet the bitterness and outburst that’s going to come after you won’t be able to handle.
    And brother have you ever stopped for a second and think about what if what I have for this boyfriend is all infatuation and seeing you just discovered this feeling for men as you claimed which I find a lil hard to believe and also think no one I repeat no one stumbles on being gay or having gay sex!no one bro!…

    If you ask me I think you should cut ties with your boyfriend and face squarely your family they worth you trading your happiness for them!most especially your children.

    Just my two kobo.

    • Pink Panther
      March 29, 11:03 Reply

      You’re missing the point. It’s not about his boyfriend. It’s about his sexuality.
      And so far that he’s being facing his family squarely, how’s that been working out for him? Remember he did try to stop the ‘gay’ when it started overwhelming him.
      It’s a married GAY man you’re talking to here. Not a married BISEXUAL man. If you cant focus on women as the gay man that you, eschewing all homosexual tendencies, then you shouldn’t be taking this tone with him.
      Whatever advice we’re giving this young man should please be realistic and understanding of our realities not moralities.

      • FJ
        April 03, 14:34 Reply

        I have taken this road before, so i very much understand what blue ice is going through. Pinky, u may talk to blue ice to contact me if need be.
        It’s not about his wife, kids or even the bf, it’s about his sexuality which unfortunately he has no control over. So divulging such a sensitive information to his wife is a poor damage control. It’s gonna ruin whatever is left of his happiness.
        A married gay man is a proverbial cow, destined to die whichever way. Why would anyone want to take the shortest route to the slaughter house?

    • Absalom
      March 29, 11:13 Reply

      1. If his wife were my sister, I’d want him to tell her the truth; she deserves that much. Whether they decide to keep the marriage or go their separate ways, that would now be their equal decision.

      2. You ask, What if what he feels for his boyfriend is infatuation? I ask, What if what he feels for his boyfriend is real? His boyfriend may have been the conduit, but this is ultimately about the OP finding himself and discovering that this finding is incompatible with where he is now with the woman he married.

      3. The presence of kids isn’t a good reason to keep a marriage if the persons involved are convinced it’s no longer working. Married and living together or not, two parents still have the duty to raise their kids – unless they are irresponsible to begin with.

      4. Nobody was born married. Man made marriage; marriage did not make man. It is callous to entertain the pain of human beings just to uphold the integrity of an inanimate thing as a man-made cultural practice – one that is even flawed sef.

      • ambivalentone
        March 29, 14:20 Reply

        If his wife were my sister, I’d av wished DESPERATELY he didn’t have to fuck three children out of her to prove he wasn’t gay, but while I’d want her to be told the truth, I’d EXPECT he’d keep to the letter of the contract HE willingly signed, faulty as the foundation may be (as u claim). Man makes contracts but not everyone is fool for to go for them.
        BTW, all these sudden discoveries sef. First u r suddenly gay. Next, u r suddenly married. 3 yrs down the line, u siddenly av children feet pattering all over the house…#MungoPark

  15. FJ
    March 29, 11:12 Reply

    Yea KD, am gay, am married am stressed but am coping.
    Most Nigerian mgm like me live a lifestyle of duality if u like call it double standard. So based on experience, i ‘ll rather advise u don’t throw away d baby with d bath water. Ur family is as important as ur happiness, so strife hard to keep d two as much and as long as u can. If u must kip ur family, sex rite with ur wife must be resuscitated. My dear, u don’t need to enjoy it, just an obligatory ritual.
    Over 40 now, married for years with just two kids. I live in with my wife with a side chick ( bf) out there. Everyone is happy or seems to, at least

      • Mandy
        March 29, 14:18 Reply

        On this, for once, I’m with you ambivalentone. Really disgusting. This is the kind of blithe unfeeling example that doesn’t help with any empathy for married gay men.

      • FJ
        April 02, 00:45 Reply

        Lad, how old are you?

    • Delle
      March 29, 15:02 Reply

      And you have the guts to spew all of these? Am I supposed to throw my shirt to the floor and clap to the heavens for you because you have successully passed all courses on deception and hypocrisy?
      You think you have conquered it all? Haha I laugh at your stupidity cos when the stinger comes, it would leave no part of your body without pain.

      • FJ
        April 02, 00:04 Reply

        Biko, am not responsible for ur impotence. U need not beef those who still av some testosterone to ” do women”

        • Francis
          April 02, 01:48 Reply

          In your mind you have made so much sense now abi? ????? Mscheeew!

          • FJ
            April 03, 13:52 Reply

            Where were you when he threw caution to the wind?…keep wagging ur tail, didirin meji

            • Francis
              April 03, 13:56 Reply

              So because he attacked you, you had to denigrate your fellow LGBT folks. Clap for yourself. You’re truly winning ????.

              Later you will be wondering why some gay people can’t tolerate bisexuales and MGMs.

              Anyhow e better as you show your true colors ??

  16. KingBey
    March 29, 12:21 Reply

    Why is your sexuality suddenly “killing” you? You are 31 and you already married with 3 kids….seems like you were pressured into marriage. Marriage is for better or worse. So I wouldn’t advice you to dissolve it. Gay relationships is also not a perfect ride. No relationship is perfect. Always know this….you have a wife, boyfriend and kids….I belive you also have a job….focus on them. You won’t die

  17. Kevin
    March 29, 12:52 Reply

    Don’t divorce her. It’s not easy man but please stick to it . It will probably kill you but trust me the relationship with your man might probably not be as great as you think either

    • Mandy
      March 29, 14:14 Reply

      Do you people even reason your comments before you post them? It will probably kill him but he should stick to it? He is crying out for help, telling you he’s tried exactly what you’re suggesting and it’s not working, and your solution is for him to try harder unto death?

  18. Rapum
    March 29, 14:45 Reply

    Everything seems so easy in words (own your truth, be yourself, choose happiness), until suddenly we are brought face-to-face with a difficult choice, and suddenly all our clichés seem inadequate.

    Absalom has broken it all down, and I think you should definitely take what he’s saying into consideration. But you must also think: What kind of person is my wife? Will she start a war, like Kenny Brandmuse’s? Can I fight that war? Do I have the luxury of exile? We are in a tragic situation as gay men: do and be dammed, don’t do and be double-damned; which is why I find these easy proclamations of morality up here cringe-worthy. It is never as simple as ABC.

    FJ’s suggestion is another way to go, brazen as it is in its lack of conflict. But Blue doesn’t seem to be bereft of conflict, which I think says something good about his character.

    Pinky, is there someone, like Kenny, that has been through this journey? Would they be willing to talk to Blue?

    • Delle
      March 29, 15:09 Reply

      Sorry but no part of FJ’s comment is worth taking into consideration.
      No one should allow deception even If they are good at it.

      This isn’t just about the man and if you think the truth would never surface, we would doing more than deceiving ourselves.

      • FJ
        April 02, 00:43 Reply

        And what is the truth?…is d society interested in ur useless truth dat will never benefit anyone, not even the wife or the three kids. The problem with those of u raising d flag of morality is shear ignorance and inexperience. Unfortunately u r not any better despite ur holier than thou posture.
        So u ‘ll rather prefer he denounces his family cos of cock? U should be pitied.

        • IC
          April 03, 08:32 Reply

          Hi. I want to know you

          • FJ
            April 03, 13:57 Reply

            talk to pinky…he has my email address

            • IC
              April 03, 16:29 Reply

              Ok. Done!

        • J
          August 22, 15:51 Reply

          Why say “denounce family because of cock? “? I am highly disappointed in you for saying that! I really don’t think bisexual men should be part of the LGBT community, because most of you guys are so selfish. They are bullies, they think they are smart, they play with people’s emotions. You should know the difference between homosexuality and bisexuality. Yes you equate love to sex, you only see the cock as a sex object, you definitely have no true emotions for the same -sex. Bisexual men are mostly interested in sex with the same sex. They always think they can eat their cakes and have it. I only pity the gay guys that lay with stones like you, orgasmics! Most gays are after love not sex with the cock like you do… Some gays can’t afford to be complacent, they don’t want to hurt any woman and they want to be truth to themselves. Continue to bask in your world of selfish bliss, one day that wife and children you so much cherished will be disappointed in you when they findout about your double standard life and everything will never be the same for you. I feel no pity for this poster now, they are all birds of the same feathers, deceivers… They care only about themselves. You disgust me, selfish man! Shame!!! I biphobic towards trolls like this guy.

  19. Francis
    March 29, 15:05 Reply

    Umuazi KD, ?????? SMH

    No wonder people dey inside lagoon. You’re miserable…So the fuck what? Deal with it as you signed up for it….Make sure you keep that marriage alive and miserable as fuck.

    Oga poster i wish you well in whatever decision you make BUT like some people have clearly stated make sure that whatever decision you take (especially if na coming out to madam) it is for you and not for the side BF. That one can up and leave you at any moment and it would be stupid to blame him afterwards for ruining your marriage ??

    I wish you and your family the best as you navigate this “nightmare”. May it end well for you.

    @Ambivalentone from experience life is not always 1+1=2. Hopefully some day you’d come to realize that and have small compassion.

    • ambivalentone
      April 01, 14:24 Reply

      You know the kinda things that don’t add up? The love between Belle and the Beast. Medically fertile, yet infertile after years of fucking. Ticking all the STI prevention boxes and still getting an STI. Being gay in a thoroughly homophobic clime like ours…THOSE don’t add up.
      But making a conscious. and putting considerable EFFORT, that should av gone into making ur marriage work, to cheating…that doesn’t just happen.

      • Francis
        April 01, 14:30 Reply

        I was actually referring to una claims say there’s no such thing as one discovering he/she is gay at an advanced age

  20. Canis VY Majoris
    April 02, 00:55 Reply

    LOL you people are funny here sha, dishing out advice like it’s a pot of beans. SMH. I wonder if the sources of your opinions are from experience or 3rd party information.

    Tell your wife…
    Maintain status quo…

    If only. It were that easy.

    Mr. Blue Ice, I’d tell you the same thing I tell anyone between a rock and a hard place “MAKE THE DECISION YOU CAN LIVE WITH”.

    You don’t need all these opinions, because I’m sure you’ve considered your choices, made it and now you’re looking for validation.

    My brother: One again choose whichever one you can live with. Shikena.

  21. UC TheMisfit
    April 04, 03:47 Reply

    Personally, when I want to make any life altering decision I think about certain things:
    What’s the end game?
    Who and who would be DIRECTLY affected by the decision I’m making and how would they be affected. This should be people that MATTER.

    Judging from the tone of your post I see you are at your wits end, you’re either going to break soon or try to stay strong and hurt your family (unintentionally) in the process.

    Your end game is to be happy, I presume, to live a semblance of a fulfilled life.

    The only people (that matter) affected by whatever decision you make are your wife and kids.

    If you choose to stay you’d be inadvertently hurting your wife and kids. If you choose to leave, you’d still be hurting them. But some hurts last only a while and things would adjust. Others last a lifetime.

    Your kids would be okay, all you have to do is LOVE THEM RIGHT and be a good father. That’s ALL. They’d turn out okay.

    Your wife…is a different story. You know your wife, and you can guess how she might take this news. There is a thing like ‘too much truth’ in a relationship. IF YOU DECIDE to come out to her (alone, don’t involve family) then know EXACTLY the details you’d reveal. I wouldn’t go as far as giving details or amount of guys you’ve been with, either before of after marriage. Think out your words carefully and plead with her not to take this outside the both of you. It’s all in how you tell her, and how much of a good husband/father you’ve been and would be.

    In 20/30 years time, what would you be glad to have chosen? Life is a long run race. Don’t make short term decisions.

  22. Soltana
    April 07, 04:33 Reply

    Well I hope my comment isn’t coming too late after you’ve taken the bull by the horns,the above commenters have said it all but I just wanna add that don’t try to hint at your homosexuality being a spiritual problem because funny enough the whole issue might just end in a visit to the local pastor with your pastor and you are back to square one..
    Well I’m kind of new on this website, since I first came across it last year and I’m enjoying it

  23. Tangie Bloom
    May 04, 15:37 Reply

    Living in Nigeria makes the so much more difficult.

    1. You need a support system. Maybe other gay men that you trust. Married would be ideal.

    2. You need to be very careful. It might hurt a lot to lie to your wife now but the truth would hurt EVERYONE a lot more. We live in an imperfect society.

    3. You need to come to terms with yourself and what you’re feeling. And then, with a clear head, decide what to do. Stay with your family and keep up the facade? Have a separation rather than a divorce? Divorce outright and move on with your life? Whatever you do, remember to stay safe. Don’t put yourself in any unnecessary danger.

    Best wishes, dear.

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