Demisexuality (The Place Where I Found Myself)

Prior to my discovery of this word just a few hours ago, I’d always assumed I was an oddity and accepted it as that. I cannot say I’ve always wanted to fit in but coming across a word which explains how I feel and view the world, knowing it has a definition brought on quite the relief I had not anticipated.

What is a demisexual, you ask. Yup, it’s likely yet another type of sexuality in the ever-expanding human sexual spectrum. A demisexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection or bond first. Those bonds could be platonic, romantic etc. A demisexual basically needs to know you and truly be into you to be sexually aroused by you.

It falls under the asexual spectrum and is a relatively recently-defined sexuality (2006). It is not gender based, i.e. you can be straight and demisexual, gay and demisexual etc. It is estimated that demisexuals make up 1% or less of the population. Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and marriage and family counselor, explains it like this: “The typical person is going to meet someone and there is usually some degree of physical attraction we form within seconds. With demisexuality, there’s no physical pull at all. It’s really about romantic feelings, love, and friendship, that really come first. The sexual attraction and desire would come second and is certainly not the driving force.”

There isn’t one way to be demisexual and it means different things to different people. However it can be hard to explain to people who aren’t, and it is often confused with being a prude or too picky. Below are some signs that you might be demisexual if you are still unsure. (These were pulled from the article: What It Means To Be Demisexual)

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Looks Are Mostly Irrelevant.

For most people, looks — while maybe not the most important part of a relationship — are important on some level. In fact, most people message a guy or girl online solely by the visual of an attractive picture before even reading the profile. But for demisexuals, physical appearance is a non-factor. Demisexuals are attracted to personalities over faces/bodies or genitals and are more interested in creating authentic connections based on similar interests above all else.

Most, If Not All, Of Your Relationships Have Started Out As Friendships.

There is an element of complete trust and security that attracts you to them. It’s not just the feeling of safety, or the sense of being able to predict what they’ll do or how they’ll react. It’s bone-deep, an attraction for who they are as a whole that makes you see them in an entirely different light than you did when you first met. There is no honeymoon phase in relationships for you, because what other people typically refer to as a “honeymoon” phase is more of your “uncertainty” phase. You’re much more comfortable and attracted to someone long after you know all the little details about their lives, how they feel about things, what makes them tick.

You Frequently Put More Pressure On First Dates Than Other Friends.

While the rest of the world seems to be moaning about how commitment-phobic our generation is, you feel an entirely different kind of pressure, because you know that when it comes down to it, people expect you to have a genuine gauge for how you will proceed with them after a first date. So you focus too much on everything. You nitpick, or you look for cosmic signs. You talk to too many people about it, or you’re so afraid of getting influenced that you don’t tell anyone at all. If you’ve ever ghosted, it isn’t out of disinterest so much as out of being at a complete and utter loss. You don’t want to waste their time or hurt anyone by continuing to date them unless you’re sure you’re attracted to them, and you can’t be sure unless you continue to date them for a while, so BOOM. You are a human catch-22.

You Still Feel Primary Sexual Attraction To Strangers — But It’s Fleeting.

A misconception about demisexuals is that they only feel the one kind of attraction toward best friends, but the truth is that they feel other kinds of attraction too. Asexuality.org explains, for instance, that there is “primary” sexual attraction — the attraction to what you see first, like a person’s looks, aesthetic, and/or the way they carry themselves — and secondary sexual attraction, which is more rooted in personality and the way you connect with someone. In relationships, demisexuals operate almost solely on secondary attraction. That doesn’t mean that they don’t occasionally see a hot person on the subway and start to sweat. It’s just fleeting, is the thing — and if they ever actively pursued it, chances are the attraction would be gone almost immediately once no connection can be formed.

Your Crushes Seem Like A Really Big Deal.

It’s not often that you’re attracted to anyone in the first place, so when you feel that way, the feeling is monumental. Everyone seemed to think people all grow out of “having crushes” in adulthood that had the same intensity as the ones they had in junior high or high school, but if anything, a demisexual’s crush only seem to have more depth to them than they did when he was younger.

You Have Found Yourself Very Confused In Friendships.

Particularly in friendships involving the gender(s) you’re attracted to. Most, if not all, of your unrequited crushes have been born of friendships — ones that you embarked on without any other agenda whatsoever. It gets to the point where you are genuinely surprised when you find that you are attracted to them, and even more surprised by how irreversible it seems. At least a few friendships have gotten awkward in situations when the feelings went unreciprocated, although you find that you can usually work past it to preserve a friendship.

People Often Dub You A “Prude”.

“Prude.” “Ice queen.” “Goody two shoes.” “Too picky.” “Old fashioned.” You’ve heard it all before. If those around you have called you the above when it comes to sex and dating, it could be because of your demisexuality. Demisexuals aren’t usually super sexually active and aren’t generally interested in one-night-stands (because again, they need to know someone well before feeling a strong attraction).

In the end, though, you can only do what feels right for you, even when other people project their own feelings and insecurities on your choices. The romantic world is difficult to navigate, no matter how you feel or don’t feel about sex, so the best thing you can do for yourself is trust your gut and stick to it.

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I honestly cannot say I’ve kept up with the varying types of sexuality out there, but, upon learning this, it felt good to know I’m not alone and not an oddity that most people can’t quite understand. Any other demisexuals out there?

Written by Black Dynasty