EVERYDAY AND A MAN (Part 3)

Previously on Everyday And A Man…

*

“Oh no, I don’t fuck guys.”

I don’t know what hit me first, that he said what he did or the way he said it with a straight face, like it was a matter of fact.

“Huh?” was my nonplussed response.

“I don’t fuck guys na,” he reiterated. “Like, I do not. Have sex. With guys. How is that not clear?”  He laid some emphasis on “do not”, “sex” and “guys”.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

“Oh wait,” he said, as though realising something, “you thought I was going to have sex with you?” Then he giggled like it was some silly assumption.

It wasn’t like I had the intention of having sex with him o, but when he said what he said in that manner, I felt my hackles rise. My pride spread out to cloak me from his taunt, even though I was still confused by what was going on.

“What do you mean you don’t have sex with guys?”

“Exactly what it means na. Guy, I’m straight o. I’m not g–”

I didn’t let him finish before the laughter erupted from me. I laughed so hard, my stomach started to hurt. This guy should be in comedy.

But then, he wasn’t laughing. He just looked at me like I was someone who had lost his mind.

“Wait, hold up, you’re serious?”

“Is it so hard to believe?”

“I mean, I met your ass on Grindr. It’s a hookup” – I added my own stress on the word – “app for gay men” – another stress – “or guys who want to fuck” – yet another stress – “other guys. Not the type of place you’d find your average straight guy. Let’s say by some divine error you mistakenly downloaded the app, how do you explain still going on to register an email address and password and everything? Okay, fine, let’s also assume since everybody is moving mad and you were under some sort of hypnosis when all that happened, I won’t even bring up the whole role, location and all the clichéd conversations that are associated with the gay fuck space, all of which you participated in by the way. Let’s not even talk about the constant sex talk and reminder to get you a condom, to do what? Abi you wan blow balloon with am?”

“Actually, that was for this babe that I’ve been planning to smash for a while now.”

The fucking nerve of this negro!

He must have noticed the incredulity on my face because he started apologizing and explaining.

“The thing is… Well, okay, I’m not entirely straight –”

“No shit,” I scoffed.

“See, I love pussy like, I can fuck a good pussy for hours, but a blow job from a guy is okay. I’ve actually gotten blow jobs from a guy before and it was good. But I’ve never made a move to fuck the guy. Anytime he wants to get up on it, I get soft almost instantly. Plus there’s the fact that I just don’t get emotionally attached to guys, like ever. But I remember the day my babe cried because I did some stupid shit like that… Guy, e pain me die. I love that girl like mad and I don’t want to have to see her like that again. So am I curious? Maybe. But I’m still fucking straight, man.”

Umu Kito Diaries, come and epp me see o. I could not process what I was hearing.

Of course, I’d come across guys with similar issues, guys who can bang vaginas and could get it up for a blow job from a guy, but can’t fuck ass. And that’s fine. I mean, it’s why sexuality is a spectrum, right? But for him to be so vehement in his stance of heterosexuality…Me, I don’t understand.

I guess I was lost in thought trying to process what he said when he tapped his horn, getting my attention with that.

“E shock you, abi?” he said with a small smile. “Don’t worry, you’ll get to know me as we go. Anyway, I own a business not too far from here. Mind if we go check it out? You fit come patronise your guy na. Bring your friends too.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you had your own thing, I thought you were, you know, working for someone,” I said, going along with the attempt to change the subject.

“Na, I’m my own boss, man. See, that’s the problem with that your secondary school. They didn’t teach you guys to be your own man. It’s as if they were prepping you to just go and work under someone.”

That stung a bit.

“Eh, I’ve heard you, mister boss man. Where’s the place abeg?”

We carried on with our chat, mostly high school gist, him teasing me some more about “Benson”, exchanging opinions about male and female relations, sexually and otherwise, before he drove by his place of business, pointing it out to me. Then, he turned around and we were headed back home because it was getting late.

“Let me indulge you,” I said, bringing back up our unfinished conversation about his sexual orientation. “If you say you’re straight, then what were you looking for on Grindr?”

“Actually I was bored and just chatting, maybe looking to talk and hang with someone. That’s kinda why you’re here.” He winked at me.

Just negodu!

I was about making a comment about him wasting my time when he continued: “But if I’m being completely honest, I like being around gay guys. Scratch that, I like being around Bottoms. Bottoms are really intelligent guys, plus they always have something doing for themselves and have good ideas, give great advice, and talking with them is just easier. There’s no pressure to put up that macho attitude. It’s not like I’m girly o. You ma sef, you dey see am na. It’s just that I can talk about sensitive stuff when I’m with Bottoms and not get judged or called soft or something. I get advice as it should be, not sprinkled with the ‘manly’ sentiments. Plus they’re kind and helpful. A good number of times I was in a pinch, none of my guys even show face. Na some Bottoms wey I never even run anything with…they came through for me.”

“But you do know not all Bottoms are like that, right? Some can be a real piece of work.”

“Me, I’m just speaking of the ones I’ve met so far sha. See, Bottoms are smart and I like having smart people around me. I’ve also never seen a Bottom that’s broke. I’m speaking of the ones I’ve met o.”

Dear Lord Chile…

As he went on and on about how Bottoms are this and that, I couldn’t help the pride that welled up in me at all the accolades and level of appreciation for the sisterhood (no offense, if any); it reminded me of the time some Twitter porn star went on video to talk about how Bottoms should be appreciated more and whatnot (I think the post was featured here on KD even).

I would’ve hugged and kissed Neto right there, but he was driving and I wouldn’t know how to explain an accident like that to my folks.

“This is my stop.” I motioned to the gate as he slowed to a halt. I turned to him and said, “Thanks for tonight. You’re weird, that’s for sure. But it was nice.”

He smiled, then laughed. “Sure, no problem, you’re my guy from now. Anytime you want to hang, just give me a call.”

“Sure, I’ll do that.”

He didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything. There was some awkward silence.

Then, I asked out of curiosity, “Would you like to have the experience? Not necessarily with me, but are you averse to sex with a guy happening or not?”

“Not really… Truth be told, I’d like to, if I could, just to know what it’s like. But no matter what happens, it” – he motioned to his crotch – “just won’t stay up.”

I laughed a bit, then sighed. Tonight was fun and my head was sufficiently swollen. It was at this point that I considered putting into writing what y’all have been reading for the past few days.

I leaned forward and held his face, and said in a low voice, “Goodnight, Neto.”

“Goodnight, Danté.”

Before I could step out of the car, he held my hand. “Ehen, it’s true. I wanted to ask you something sef.”

“What’s that?” I turned a raised brow at him.

“By any chance, do you know any lesbians in town?” He grinned as he asked that.

“What?” I sure wasn’t expecting that.

“You know… I just want to know one, have one as a friend.”

This guy doesn’t have any limitations, I swear. I shook off my hand and jocularly told him he was crazy, before making my way to the gate of the house. I turned and waved as he drove off.

Written by Danté