GIRLFRIEND HUNTING

Have you ever been so hounded by family, friends and colleagues – even strangers – about not having a girlfriend? If not, congratulations are in order for you; and if yes, then, you can relate with my story.

By the time this year rolled in, I was getting inundated with calls, demands and mandates to have a woman in my life.

“When are you getting married?” someone would ask.

“What about your girlfriend?” another would question.

“How about you settle down?”

“Don’t you think it’s high time you got a wife?”

All these queries were fired at me at every opportunity; in fact, it became a routine question I had to answer on almost daily basis.

Unable to bear it anymore, I decided to do something about it. I decided to try getting a girlfriend.

At this time, I had started becoming obsessed with getting a partner. Whenever I walked past a lady, it took every restraint in me to stop me from blurting out to her: “Are you married?”

Or…

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

Or…

“Am I worthy enough to be your man?”

I know. I’m too gay to be a heterosexual smooth operator.

But I had gotten very desperate.

So, on this particular evening, I dressed up real good and proceeded to the place my instinct told me I’d get a potential girlfriend: my favorite restaurant. In the past, whenever I went there to eat, I noticed that lots of girls – beautiful ones at that – thronged through the place.

On my way to lunch there that day, I was fervently praying for a good match to be made in my favour that day.

I strolled into the restaurant, and as usual, the place was a beehive of activities: people chattering over their meal, customers calling for their orders, and waiters zipping about serving different tables.

I sat at a vantage position – where I could clearly see the movement of people – and waited for a waiter to approach me. Upon enquiry, I ordered for a plate of rice and chicken.

I ate the food absent-mindedly as I focused on my primary aim: girlfriend-hunting. Thirty minutes later, I observed something strange: the traffic of women into the restaurant was very low compared to men. For every one girl that came into the restaurant, there were ten guys. And to make matters worse, the girls were mostly teenagers who’d probably been sent by their parents to get food, and the adult women who came in were in the company of men who could’ve been their boyfriends or husbands.

I was perplexed, so much so that I lost interest in my food. I had been eating ever-so slowly before, but now, I stopped completely.

What was happening? Today of all days was when the single ladies decided to stay away from the restaurant?!!!

“Oh God! Just one, please!” I cried quietly to myself.

But God was either on vacation from answering prayers or He was not an advocate for gay men getting entangled with straight women, because an hour later, nothing changed. It seemed the universe was hell-bent on frustrating my effort that afternoon.

“No problem,” I finally said in resignation. “Tomorrow is another day.”

I signaled to the waiter, paid and got up to leave.

I began walking to the entrance, very mechanically, still looking at the diners, still scanning for any luck. Then –

I saw her!

She was sitting close to the entrance with her head bent, alone at her table, engrossed with her phone. I wondered how I missed her when she came in. She was dressed in a hooded top with jean trousers clad over her long shapely legs. At first glance, you may be forgiven if you mistook her for a guy – most likely why I didn’t notice her when she came into the restaurant.

My heart suddenly began pounding as I began wondering how I should play this. Now that a single woman was within reach, I suddenly didn’t know what to do.

I needed to strategize. So, I continued on out of the restaurant. Outside, I stopped to think about the best way to approach her, to get her attention, to begin the process of chyking her.

After some thought, I turned and walked back in, heading to her table.

“Good evening, sister,” I greeted.

In response, she simply raised her head to look at me, nodded and then went back to her phone.

Just like that, I was acknowledged and promptly dismissed. My face burned with mortification. I’d already started to feel deflated. But I summoned more courage and forged ahead.

“Please, may I have a word with you outside?” I said.

She looked at me again, her expression blank. Now that she was appraising me, I could see that she was indeed a beautiful woman.

“Why?” she asked.

“I just want to have a word with you please,” I persisted through the anxiety that was rapidly edging out my courage.

“No, I can’t come with you,” she said curtly. “You’re a total stranger to me.”

I stood there, tongue tied. I hadn’t even considered that she would be so abrupt in her refusal to oblige me. In reaction to her curtness, I felt like a schoolchild who’d just gotten scolded by a teacher – right in the staff room!

I darted a quick look around, to make sure nobody was witnessing my humiliation.

Still, I didn’t want to give up.

So I ventured again. “Please, I –”

That was as far as I got.

“I SAID NO! ARE YOU DEAF?” she bellowed, causing people to look in our direction.

I reared back in shock. Fear raced through me in the microsecond it took me to wonder if she was going to follow up her loud refusal by raising an alarm accusing me of being a ritualist or a kidnapper.

Hay God!

Right there and then, in that microsecond, my life had already started to flash before my eyes as I envisioned these diners turning into a mob and attacking me.

Is this how someone gets burnt to death? I thought in panic.

Then that microsecond passed and I was fleeing from the restaurant.

I ran!

I don’t even remember leaving the restaurant. All I know is that I was suddenly outside, running, not looking back. Then I was stopping a bike, climbing it and instructing the biker to go, go, go!!!

By the time I got home, I was certain that I would never visit that restaurant again!

Written by Abdul