GIRLFRIEND HUNTING

GIRLFRIEND HUNTING

Have you ever been so hounded by family, friends and colleagues – even strangers – about not having a girlfriend? If not, congratulations are in order for you; and if yes, then, you can relate with my story.

By the time this year rolled in, I was getting inundated with calls, demands and mandates to have a woman in my life.

“When are you getting married?” someone would ask.

“What about your girlfriend?” another would question.

“How about you settle down?”

“Don’t you think it’s high time you got a wife?”

All these queries were fired at me at every opportunity; in fact, it became a routine question I had to answer on almost daily basis.

Unable to bear it anymore, I decided to do something about it. I decided to try getting a girlfriend.

At this time, I had started becoming obsessed with getting a partner. Whenever I walked past a lady, it took every restraint in me to stop me from blurting out to her: “Are you married?”

Or…

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

Or…

“Am I worthy enough to be your man?”

I know. I’m too gay to be a heterosexual smooth operator.

But I had gotten very desperate.

So, on this particular evening, I dressed up real good and proceeded to the place my instinct told me I’d get a potential girlfriend: my favorite restaurant. In the past, whenever I went there to eat, I noticed that lots of girls – beautiful ones at that – thronged through the place.

On my way to lunch there that day, I was fervently praying for a good match to be made in my favour that day.

I strolled into the restaurant, and as usual, the place was a beehive of activities: people chattering over their meal, customers calling for their orders, and waiters zipping about serving different tables.

I sat at a vantage position – where I could clearly see the movement of people – and waited for a waiter to approach me. Upon enquiry, I ordered for a plate of rice and chicken.

I ate the food absent-mindedly as I focused on my primary aim: girlfriend-hunting. Thirty minutes later, I observed something strange: the traffic of women into the restaurant was very low compared to men. For every one girl that came into the restaurant, there were ten guys. And to make matters worse, the girls were mostly teenagers who’d probably been sent by their parents to get food, and the adult women who came in were in the company of men who could’ve been their boyfriends or husbands.

I was perplexed, so much so that I lost interest in my food. I had been eating ever-so slowly before, but now, I stopped completely.

What was happening? Today of all days was when the single ladies decided to stay away from the restaurant?!!!

“Oh God! Just one, please!” I cried quietly to myself.

But God was either on vacation from answering prayers or He was not an advocate for gay men getting entangled with straight women, because an hour later, nothing changed. It seemed the universe was hell-bent on frustrating my effort that afternoon.

“No problem,” I finally said in resignation. “Tomorrow is another day.”

I signaled to the waiter, paid and got up to leave.

I began walking to the entrance, very mechanically, still looking at the diners, still scanning for any luck. Then –

I saw her!

She was sitting close to the entrance with her head bent, alone at her table, engrossed with her phone. I wondered how I missed her when she came in. She was dressed in a hooded top with jean trousers clad over her long shapely legs. At first glance, you may be forgiven if you mistook her for a guy – most likely why I didn’t notice her when she came into the restaurant.

My heart suddenly began pounding as I began wondering how I should play this. Now that a single woman was within reach, I suddenly didn’t know what to do.

I needed to strategize. So, I continued on out of the restaurant. Outside, I stopped to think about the best way to approach her, to get her attention, to begin the process of chyking her.

After some thought, I turned and walked back in, heading to her table.

“Good evening, sister,” I greeted.

In response, she simply raised her head to look at me, nodded and then went back to her phone.

Just like that, I was acknowledged and promptly dismissed. My face burned with mortification. I’d already started to feel deflated. But I summoned more courage and forged ahead.

“Please, may I have a word with you outside?” I said.

She looked at me again, her expression blank. Now that she was appraising me, I could see that she was indeed a beautiful woman.

“Why?” she asked.

“I just want to have a word with you please,” I persisted through the anxiety that was rapidly edging out my courage.

“No, I can’t come with you,” she said curtly. “You’re a total stranger to me.”

I stood there, tongue tied. I hadn’t even considered that she would be so abrupt in her refusal to oblige me. In reaction to her curtness, I felt like a schoolchild who’d just gotten scolded by a teacher – right in the staff room!

I darted a quick look around, to make sure nobody was witnessing my humiliation.

Still, I didn’t want to give up.

So I ventured again. “Please, I –”

That was as far as I got.

“I SAID NO! ARE YOU DEAF?” she bellowed, causing people to look in our direction.

I reared back in shock. Fear raced through me in the microsecond it took me to wonder if she was going to follow up her loud refusal by raising an alarm accusing me of being a ritualist or a kidnapper.

Hay God!

Right there and then, in that microsecond, my life had already started to flash before my eyes as I envisioned these diners turning into a mob and attacking me.

Is this how someone gets burnt to death? I thought in panic.

Then that microsecond passed and I was fleeing from the restaurant.

I ran!

I don’t even remember leaving the restaurant. All I know is that I was suddenly outside, running, not looking back. Then I was stopping a bike, climbing it and instructing the biker to go, go, go!!!

By the time I got home, I was certain that I would never visit that restaurant again!

Written by Abdul

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  1. Mandy
    December 28, 09:17 Reply

    😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅
    I honestly died from reading this. God! The fear of jungle justice is real sha.
    You were praying to God, and He sent you a sign but you weren’t paying attention. How didn’t you see the 10:1 ratio of guys to girls coming into the restaurant as a sign that you shouldn’t be looking for a woman to chyke? Auntie kuku rearrnage it for you sharp sharp. 😅😅

  2. Lopez
    December 28, 09:31 Reply

    Ode, how can you tell her you want to see her outside, may be “can I share your table” would have been more appropriate. Totally relatable this pressure to settle down but I swear It didn’t even occur to me to start toasting girls out of the blue for that matter. Soon, half the people you know are going to turn match makers… I may be MGM one day, but that day is not anywhere near.

  3. Delle
    December 28, 09:53 Reply

    ‘Good evening, Sister!??’

    Ha! That’s the line for Jehovah’s Witnesses and not a man looking to woo a woman! 😂😂😂. I may not know Jack about wooing a woman seeing as I never have done that (and do not plan to) but I believe it shouldn’t be that much different from wooing a man. And I sure as hell know anyone who adds ‘brother’ in a greeting to me is automatically thrown into the zone of never-would-we-ever. Period!

    That said, you do know you don’t have to put yourself through this right? I mean, you mustn’t conform or if you must; you can follow the horde of gay men seeking a lesbian partner on here.

    • Pink Panther
      December 28, 10:10 Reply

      The “sister” part of the chyking knocked me out with laughter. 🤣🤣🤣

  4. Pete
    December 28, 10:04 Reply

    Since she doesn’t want to come outside (who toasts a lady like that by the way), you would have told her your name meaning you’re no longer a stranger and strike up a mundane conversation. There’s no guarantee anything will work, you gotta keep trying.

    PP, maybe I should do a post about organically meeting ladies since there seem to be a huge demand by prospective MGMs😊

    • Colossus
      December 28, 11:18 Reply

      Huge demand by who kwanu? Please this is an elite club, we like our numbers really small and exclusive.

      • Pete
        December 28, 14:18 Reply

        Nna, are you not seeing the plenty requests? Apparently, many want to be like us.

  5. Wiffey
    December 28, 10:42 Reply

    Wahala for who wan begin the process of chyking o 🤣🤣🤣

    But getting a girlfriend isn’t such a big deal or rocket science. As gay as I am I still managed to get and keep a straight relationship for 2 years 🙄

    • Flexsterous
      December 29, 10:19 Reply

      To me it absolutely is rocket science, cause trying to woo a woman is so unnatural to me that doing it feels like pulling teeth, there’s just no motivation to do it.

  6. Black Dynasty
    December 28, 12:30 Reply

    😂😂😂 now that was funny.

    Ps you’re praying and the signs are being shown to you but it’s not the answer you want.

  7. Danté
    December 28, 19:59 Reply

    😂🤣… But wait o, calm down what were you expecting? That she’d just follow a complete stranger? In this Nigeria that people are hungry and looking for money laidis.

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