HIS KITO STORY (EDITION 14)
Writer’s Note: There will be pauses in between the narration of this story, to analyze the things that got me suspicious.
It was a throbbing Thursday, and I just had to hold something that throbs, anything actually. My not-so-real name is Adrian anyway, and Christopher was my throbbing Thursday rendezvous.
Let’s go back to like few months before throbbing Thursday. Christopher and I had been chatting on Facebook for quite a while. I’d had my eyes on him for quite a while on the social media, but I didn’t know how to get him to look my way.
Then his father died! Yay, this was my chance. Okay, I didn’t mean to take advantage of a man’s death, but the heart wants what it wants. Mine wanted Christopher. Did I mention Christopher is over 6ft tall, light in complexion, well built, and when I say well built, I don’t mean the steroid-induced-well-built, I mean the evidence-of-good-workout-well-built. He always reminded me of a sculpture of a Greek god.
On the day his father died, he posted the info on Facebook. I promptly chatted him up. He responded. Before then, he had the habit of forming Mister Busy for me. Luckily for me, he had my time that day. I offered my condolences and I asked his permission to write a piece in honour of his father. He gave me the go-ahead. I put pen to paper and came up with something real, not too many smart words, and he loved it. He posted it on Facebook, and it got a lot of positive comments. We started chatting a lot more than before, and I was like, Mission accomplished.
Quickly enough, the chatting was no longer enough for me. I suggested we hang out, he said he was quite busy, but he would call me. He asked for my digits and I gave him. GLADLY, I might add.
Now let’s come back to throbbing Thursday. I was at school, minding my NYSC business, and my phone rang.
Stranger: Hey what’s up?
Me: I’m cool, who’s this please?
Stranger: It’s Christopher.
Me: Hey, good to hear from you.
Christopher: Yeah, I’m free today, was wondering if you would like to hang out.
Me: Sure, anytime from 4pm.
Christopher: Ok, I will call you then.
Me: Aii, bye.
I was home early though, listening to music, and it was 3:47pm when my phone rang. It was Christopher.
Me: Hey, sup with you?
Christopher: I’m good. You free now?
Me: Yeah
Christopher: Ok, I’m at Harold’s Avenue, but will be going to Rainbow Town soon. Can you come to Rainbow Town?
Me: Sure. It seems you’re close to my house though. I stay along Harold’s Drive.
Christopher: Really? Come out now then, so we can move together.
Me: Cool. I’ll call you when I get there.
In ten minutes, I was ready, all dressed up and ready to be probed by a throbbing whatever. I boarded a taxi and got to the junction where I was supposed to meet Christopher. I’d just decided to call Christopher, when I touched my pocket to discover that my phone was gone. I turned back and I could still see the taxi I’d just alighted from. I immediately switched to Usain Bolt Mode. All I was thinking as I pursued the idling vehicle was, Nigga, if you don’t get that phone back, how you gon’ call Christopher?
And that was all the motivation I needed. I chased that taxi like I left my sex-life in there. Luckily, I got my phone back.
**NOW PAUSE**
ANALYSIS: While walking back to the junction, four words popped into my head: THIS IS A SIGN. I thought about it for a while. But it had been long since I – you know, did the thing . . . that thing nah . . . Well, if you don’t know by now, you can never ever know. So I pushed the thought aside and was singing the Christmas song that popped into my head as I walked back to the junction.
**NOW BACK TO THE STORY**
I was at the junction, and this time I could make that call. I made it, and in no time, I was with Christopher. In the flesh! I lost my composure for like eleven seconds. I said to myself, Good things really come to those who wait. The introductions were soon out of the way, then he said he came to visit a friend who he hadn’t seen for a very long time, that he’d been with the friend for over three hours. He asked that I escort him back to the friend’s place, so he could say his goodbyes and then we could go hang out. That was cool with me. I met the so-called friend, and during our acquaintanceship, he introduced himself as Harry, said he just got into town and he hadn’t been in Calabar since 2007, which was the last time he saw Christopher.
Christopher: Harry, oya nah, make I dey roll.
Harry: (after thinking for a few seconds) Oya nah, make we dey roll.
(That was how they said it, just like that, like it was rehearsed)
**NOW PAUSE**
ANALYSIS: We? Who’s we? Nigga, you didn’t tell me about no we. I began to think, he didn’t even tell his friend where he and I were about to “roll” to, and he didn’t ask his friend where he was intending to “roll” to, and all of a sudden, “we” are all rolling? Hmm…
**BACK TO THE STORY**
I wasn’t cool with the “we” shit. But I kept calm. Harry was then about to lock his door, so “we” all could roll.
Christopher: What about that guy wey dey live with you?
Harry: Him comot o. But him know where I dey keep key.
**NOW PAUSE**
ANALYSIS: Isn’t this the Not-been-in-calabar-since-2007 guy? So how come he came in yesterday and a guy who knows where he keeps his key is already living with him? At this point, I wasn’t comfortable anymore. The rat I smelled wasn’t just dead, it’d been dead since last week, and it was really stinking up the whole place.
**NOW BACK TO THE STORY**
We got to the junction to take a cab to God-knows-where. While standing at the junction, my phone rang, and it was my dad! I picked the call, and the old man was like, “Where are you? I’m in town!”
**NOW PAUSE**
ANALYSIS: Five words popped into my head this time: THIS IS CLEARLY A SIGN! But, daddy, why? Why now?
**BACK TO OUR STORY**
Me: Where exactly are you?
Dad: I’m at Total.
Me: Okay! I’m not home now, I’ll be coming back in three hours time.
Dad: Ok.
I was now somber and quiet, and thinking if I should ignore these ‘signs.’ A cab stopped just then, and the three of us got in. I was quiet all through the drive, while Christopher and Harry kept on chatting and reminiscing. It all sounded fake to me though. Then, all of a sudden, Harry was talking to Christopher and he referred to Christopher as “Timothy.”
It was a slip of tongue, I said to myself. They continued chatting, and I noticed Harry was the loud-mouthed one. So I decided probe him.
Me: So Harry, where are you going to?
Harry: I want to go see my uncle. He’s travelling tomorrow, just want to spend time with him small.
Me: So he stays around where?
Harry: Satellite Village.
Me: Ok.
After a few minutes, I turned to Christopher.
Me: So where are we hanging out?
Christopher: There’s a bar opposite Fiesta Fries, let’s just chill there.
Me: Ok.
At this point, they got awfully quiet and kept straight faces. I was wound tight in the corner of the car-seat where I was, and noticed when Harry looked at me with something you all know as odu anya, or corner eye. And that’s when I knew the game was on. However, I kept up a smiling face, as I didn’t want to give myself out. But inside me, I had mentally peed my pants like ten times.
And then we got to Fiesta Fries.
Christopher: Harry, how e go be nah?
Harry: Me, I dey go forward o. (Then after thinking for a few seconds) Or make I just chill with una. After, I go where I dey go.
Christopher: No wahala.
I smiled inwardly as we got down from the cab. And I walked slowly until Christopher was ahead, and I was beside Harry, and then I probed further.
Me: I thought you were going somewhere…
Harry: Yeah, it’s just my cousin I’m going to see. It’s not that important. I can go later, since it’s been long I saw Emeka – sorry, I mean, Christopher. I said lemme just chill here small…
**NOW ON A SERIOUS NOTE, PAUSEEEEE**
ANALYSIS: First of all, it was “Timothy”, now it’s “Emeka.” So what’s next? Usman? Femi?
Secondly, I thought he said he was going to see his uncle. Now it’s his cousin. So I’m guessing his uncle died and reincarnated as his cousin, abi?
And by the way, so he left his far away house for an unimportant visit?
**OYA BACK TO THE STORY**
At this point, it was like I was seeing a movie and the part where I saw Harry looking at me with odu anya was on repeat. I just kept seeing his face over and over. I started analyzing that expression as the reel kept on repeating itself. You know how a movie ends and you see something like. Directed by Steven Spielberg before the credits start rolling? Well, the movie with the “odu anya look on repeat” ended, and what I saw instead was “RUN!”
Christopher was still ahead of Harry and I. We were about to cross to the other lane of the road. Christopher crossed first. I waited a bit for Harry to cross. Christopher walked straight into a bar across the road, and I observed him; he was just too familiar with the bar and its occupants. Then I saw him talk to a man with gestures, and the man gestured back, telling him to go inside. All this while, he thought I was behind him. I was still about to cross the road. Then I saw a taxi coming up, and I waved it down, hollering Harold’s Drive at the driver. As my Guardian Angel would have it, the taxi pulled up. So Harry crossed the road. I crossed the road too, walking instead straight to the taxi. Harry turned in time to see me getting into the taxi. Through the windscreen, I waved at him as the taxi drove off.
Minutes later, Christopher started blowing up my cell phone. I simply hummed along to my ringtone until he got tired and gave up on me.
Written by Adrian
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49 Comments
DeadlyDarius
December 19, 04:53Nice! And the exit was just like a Bourne movie, lol. They were really green in the kito business sha. Such a shame: he looked so great on paper
Khristopher B!
December 19, 17:03OMG! I stay in Calabar know know these places…. now i’m scared! Thank God for your intuition. I’ve been looking to meet up with peeps since arriving here for NYSC but judging from the kito stories i’ve heard, I guess I might just have to be celibate n stick to my darling Vaseline and videos from Boyfriendtv.com….lolx
Meanwhile pinky… you ate my article! It’s almost 2 Months now hon…
Mr Kassy
December 19, 04:57God just loves you so dearly dear.Some guys don’t even get even a single sign;but yours was like on and on again.And to cap it,You are also smart enough to analyse all those signs. Those signs,were your miracle Adrian.Guys pls you all should be careful and pls draw closer to God and develop ur spiritual gifts from God. because I know and I am sure that every gay guy has one.I can never fall into kito . Mess cos I will always know even before u say hi to me on a chat avenue.
pinkpanthertb
December 19, 05:00*staring at Kassy with wonder and amazement*
Mr Kassy
December 19, 07:10Lol Pinky,**rolls my eyes from pinky’s lips to Dennis dick den to chizzie’s cakes**.but deep down guys I know that you know that I am saying the truuuuuuth!
pinkpanthertb
December 19, 08:29I dont know any such thing o biko.
And this thing you have for me, Dennis and Chizzie. Kontinu oo
DeadlyDarius
December 19, 05:06Oshey TB Joshua
Lord II
December 19, 05:12Wow Adrian that was lucky lucky lucky…thank God your ‘kitoDAR’ was up!!! They can never catch you once you develop the KitoDAR….trust me!!!
Meanwhile Mr Kassy Thanx for that advise of getting closer to God….however will anyone know about HIS LOVE and GIFTS if they never acknowledged him in their lives….
Mr Kassy
December 19, 07:12U r a sweethrt Lord II.*french kisses*
Dom
December 19, 12:21That’s the kind of story you tell Judge Judy and she’s like “If you want to tell that story, you’re on the wrong show.”
McGray
December 19, 05:26Adrian if u had fallen victim to them i would have given u seven hot slaps across the face. U r very smart, i love that. ‘odu anya movie’?? Lol. Hahahahahahaha
Remy Dubois
December 19, 05:33Mr kassy come and lay hands on me o..lemme develop my gifts **takes of beret and kneels down **
DeadlyDarius
December 19, 05:37Lol abi?
chestnut
December 19, 06:12Oh my! Adrian,ur kito story had me feeling all types of suspense! Very interesting…plus,I’m happy it had a happy ending(when I first saw d picture Pinky chose for this particular story,I was like: “huh”? Lol).
They may truly have been kito-bandits, or they may have been two innocent(tho simple-minded) knuckleheads, who had a misguided idea of “discretion” in d gay community (one of my BEST friends in d world today,had me believing his name was ‘Lanre’, for about a week after we first met; I later realised he wasn’t even yoruba! He wasn’t trying to ‘kito’ me or anything, he was just an overly cautious, paranoid freak,who believed in hiding every detail abt urself for months!lol)
Either way sha,good thing this story ended on a happy note.
Adrian
December 19, 06:23Thanks chestnut
Adrian
December 19, 06:25McGray, Lord, kassy, Darius, ..I see y’all..
Colossus
December 19, 06:28Hilarious story, i laughed good. I admit i was afraid you’ll come spoil it by falling into the kito situation, thank God that was not the end.
Like Mr. Kassy said, thank God for your spiritual gifts, imagine if you did not have them? Imagine if you were just a mere sinner, devilish monster that just wanted to get laid? Imagine if you did not have all the angels in heaven telling you what to do, protecting you and probably lifting you up into the astral plane? I can’t even begin to think of how that story would end.
You’ve got the gift my brother, go open a church and then teach some peeps how to develop their spiritual gifts. Mr. Kassy can come help you run it. Never mind we unintelligent Christians that keep getting kito’d.
DeadlyDarius
December 19, 06:43FIVE stars!!!
pinkpanthertb
December 19, 06:56Hahahahahahahahaaa!!! This comment is epic
Adrian
December 19, 06:31I fink d name of the church would be ‘Fellowship of the Unkitoables”
…lmao
Max
December 19, 10:27I think Unkitoable ministries will be berra…don’t u think??
FKA Chizzie
December 19, 06:41Nice! This was actually an entertaining read and I’m glad it didnt end gruesome like all the other kito stories i’d read. Shows it always pays to listen to ur gut feeling, regardless of how loud ur mangina is screaming otherwise. 🙂
Handsomely Inclined
December 19, 06:42Adrain….good one.i love how you use your senses….
Good your senses were on your head not on your dick…..
Some people should just learn when to take the next available taxi
Adrian
December 19, 06:44The guys fb address is “Christopher Salvage” …so y’all should beware..
Ace
December 19, 07:27And this is where i maximized my Facebook app to search the name.
Max
December 19, 10:28Lemme go do some CSI work on him..
Deola
December 19, 10:44Research thingz…i am behind you. No pun intended
Pedro Mann (@D1kPedro)
December 19, 10:40Actually, the facebook name isnot enough since one can easily change their facebook name. just copy and paste the profile address or better so, the profile id (something like 10 digit number)
Arabian Princess
December 19, 06:54hmm. All these God-talk this morning….
shaaa cum & gimme my own kitoDAR
Adrian
December 19, 07:32Lol @ Ace
trystham
December 19, 07:34Loool. I like d dramatic pauses part. I imagine ur guardian angel be like “Today is not thine day for a Kito bitch. MOVE.”
shuga chocolata
December 19, 07:37Well written and quite hilarious If I should add but my dear a 3rd party is a no no for me. I always walk out in situations like that. Thanks heaven you are safe and sound.
Adrian
December 19, 07:39@ trystham…av had my slice of kito when I was much younger…can’t have another…
Masked Man
December 19, 08:11Hmm
FKA Chizzie
December 19, 08:57But the Christopher Salvage is fine o,in an ‘Nna Men’ igbo way
*fans self*
Dennis Macauley
December 19, 11:46Come kito is calling you!
Will you keep quiet?
***in patience jonathan’s voice***
tobby
December 19, 08:57Maybe u were just paranoid..lol
Max
December 19, 10:22I love this…wrong title though.. Its supposed to be -The almost kito story…
Whenever there’s inconsistency, bail on them wisely…
Nice one Adrian
A-non
December 19, 10:22Christopher Salvage even as a name sounds suspicious. I have this funny feeling whenever anyone introduces himself and herself with all English names, I often ask for a native name.
Lucky you Adrian!
Pinky, any progress with the kito-taskforce team?
A-non
December 19, 10:26Adrian, your name does remind me of a certain dude who works in a certain gay friendly NGO in Yaba, Lagos. Have heard a lot about the guy but haven’t met him before.
Are you by any chance he?
Dennis Macauley
December 19, 11:44This was a good read! I didn’t want to read initially because kito stories mortify me! Thank heavens this turned out okay!
I’d like to say however that every kito situation comes with red flags! Every one of them; we just are usually too horny to acknowledge them!
Adrian
December 19, 12:39Lmao@ Denis.. U funny sha…
@A-non..no am not the Adrian u seek
Sheldon Cooper
December 19, 12:44Thank gawd! A happy ending finally! Your narrative skills are superb!! Very smart of you. Many wouldn’t have been able to see the signs even if they were staring them in the eyes.
Adrian
December 19, 12:44@tobby the tot that I was just being paranoid crossed my mind…buh I can’t wait to find out now can I?…so I’ll gladly let him be d “dick that got away”…
victor
December 19, 13:00Oh no! Adrian u should have walked into the bar na, I just wanted to see how the kito played out, (can be evil like that)
Legalkoboko
December 19, 14:26We need more healthy stories like this. I have picked up one or two tips for it.
Thank you Adrian.
Adrian
December 19, 15:45Y’all are funny sha….been laughing my balls off
gad
December 20, 07:40Adrian, the part where you wrote a dirge on a dead man that you don’t know reminded of Lady Patience Jonathan. So funny. Thank God you used your head not your ass sorry heart. Nice story
geeluv
June 15, 23:19Lol … you tuff