THE SUCKER PUNCH (The Story Of A Kito Fail)

THE SUCKER PUNCH (The Story Of A Kito Fail)

I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline when I happened on the post made by Kito Diaries, which narrated the story of a guy who narrowly escaped getting kitoed at the Quincy Lodge in Polytechnic Nekede, because he called his friend when he got to Owerri and was alerted to the danger of going to Quincy Lodge for a hookup. This guy had apparently set out from Enugu after getting acquainted with the potential hookup on Tinder.

When I saw the picture of the guy who he chatted with on Tinder, I laughed and thought to myself: So these guys are still on this mess.

Because, you see, that same Tinder profile had tried to get me.

But I outsmarted the kito scum, with a little bonus for myself too.

That day was Tuesday, and it was a slow day at work. I was on Tinder, swiping left and right, hoping to match with someone decent.

It wasn’t very long before someone I’d earlier swiped right on matched with me. When I checked out his profile, it had the photos of a good-looking, middle-aged, dark-skinned man whose username was Henry.

He dropped a message, saying hello.

I responded. And soon, we were chatting away, establishing our interests for a hookup and checking off the usual hookup pleasantries such as regular name, role, age and location. He said his name was the same as his username: Henry. He was forty and a versatile top. And before I even thought to ask, he added that he worked as the head accountant at the ministry of health.

This set off the barest tingle in my mind, even though it wasn’t enough to make me think “kito”. The thing is, and y’all know this: gay guys on dating apps rarely ever freely give information about what they do, not when they are just getting to know the other person, and especially not when that job is a well-paying, high-status job. The default mode is to play down your financial appeal, so the person on the other end of the hookup channel doesn’t immediately think of you as a cash cow.

Kito people however seem to think that leading with the affluence their online character has will capture the interest of their mark. And maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. But, like I said, Henry telling me he was a head accountant only made me faintly uneasy. The seed of suspicion wasn’t even planted. I was still interested in meeting him.

Then he mentioned that he lived in Owerri, and I felt more than a little deflated. I was in Port Harcourt and was looking for nearby runs. When I expressed my disappointment, he said, “Well, you can come over. I wish you will come so I can host you.”

I reminded him that it was a weekday and that I was at work. But for some reason, he seemed to disregard that and kept on saying I should come over, that he would host me well, emphasizing how brief the journey from Port Harcourt to Owerri was.

Well, it was a slow day at work and I could have taken off, but I couldn’t just make that kind of commitment to someone I only knew on Tinder. Please, I’m too KDian for that.

So, I asked for us to move the conversation to WhatsApp. And his response was what finally set off the alarm in my head.

He said, “I’m not on WhatsApp, but you can check me out on Facebook.”

He wasn’t on WhatsApp?!!!

Who isn’t on WhatsApp? Everybody who is on a dating app is also on WhatsApp! So again, who isn’t on WhatsApp?

The person who doesn’t want to enable the risk of getting asked to do a video call, that’s who!

As I sat there, trying to calm my wildly beating heart over the thought about how valid my suspicion may be, he asked for my number, said he wanted to call me. I gave it to him and he called immediately after.

“Hello, baby, it’s Henry,” the voice on the other end greeted the moment I answered the call. “I really want you to come, baby. Please try and come. I want to host you and spoil you.”

If I had any doubts, those words erased them completely. This guy was definitely kito!

But instead of flying into an indignant rage and cussing him out, I curbed that urge with great effort, deciding instead to have a bit of fun at the expense of this idiot.

So, in my best sugar baby voice, I cooed at him, “Sure, baby. I’ve decided that I will come. But it can’t be now. When I close from work, I’ll have to go home and pick up clothes for work tomorrow, so I can spend the night with you and come straight to work from there.”

I could imagine him calculating how worthwhile I had potentially become to him. If I planned on spending the night to set off for work the next day, then I must be coming to his place fully loaded with my phones, chargers, maybe a laptop, and a wallet of cash and ATM cards. I presented too good a mark for him to pass up.

And this was evident in the excitement that coloured his voice when he said, “OK good, so what time should I expect you, baby?”

“I’ll leave the office early because of you. I’ll leave by 2, so I can go home, prepare and start leaving PH by, latest, 3:30.”

“OK, good. That’s good.”

“But, baby, the thing is,” I turned my voice into ajebutter softness, “I’m coming with my Mac Book, and I can’t travel with it in a bus, especially that late in the day.”

There. I’d supplied another delicious morsel of how good a mark I was. A Mac Book? I was sure he’d be positively salivating by now. I was sure I now had him where I wanted him.

“That shouldn’t be a problem,” he said. “It will be safe. Just come with it.”

“No,” I said, my pout evident in my voice. “I can’t risk it. I’m thinking I will book a ride on Bolt, and then we can both split the cost of the ride to Owerri.”

“Oh, that’s alright, baby,” he said. “Just pay for the ride, and I’ll give you the entire money when you come.”

“No, no, no,” I objected, still on sugar baby mode. “I can’t do that. You have to send me half the money for the ride. That way, I’ll know you are for real and that I’ll be safe with you.”

“Okay…” He paused for several beats, either to quickly consult with his partners or to debate to himself if a Mac Book-carrying mark was worth it. Finally, he responded, “So, how much is the ride?”

“I already checked, and it’s 14k. So, your share will be 7k,” I said, smiling to myself.

“OK. Send me your account details.”

My smile broadened as I typed out the information of one of my bank accounts that had no money in it and sent it in a text to him.

About thirty minutes later, I got an alert: my account had been credited with 7 thousand naira.

I was out of the office in a flash to the nearest ATM to withdraw it.

I was sauntering back to my workplace when he called.

“Baby, have you seen it?”

Sugar baby was gone, and so was Ajebutter softness. The voice that responded was every bit the Port Harcourt wiseass that I am. “So you want to kito me, abi? Idiot! Your father will die a miserable death. You think you are smart. Muthafucker!”

His fury exploded in my ear. “Fucking homo! I must catch you, you useless homo! You will die of AIDS! Just watch it, because I must deal with you and your kind! Useless ho–”

I hung up on him mid-tirade. Then I blocked his number and went back on Tinder to unmatch him. And for the rest of the day, I was in such a good mood.

Written by Gabi

Next Jussie Smollett may have known and hooked up with his ‘attacker’ from a Chicago bathhouse

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  1. African Bamboo
    April 16, 07:06 Reply

    So essentially, you stole from him?
    Remind me again the difference between you and him.

    • Flokifresh
      April 16, 07:28 Reply

      How exactly do you mean he stole from him, African Bamboo? You gat to to be kidding me. You actually lived up to your so called name “African Bambo”. For crying out loud, this guy was fucking smart and a Voyeur. What would you rather say if he had gone there and was eventually kitoed which was looking obvious? Perhaps you would have blamed him for being carried away by emotions or probably tell him sorry…? Guy, you have to be smarter than the daredevil.
      For me any kito scum like Henry should be treated as such even worse …? These scums are heartless and wicked and should be thought graver lessons to properly reduce or eradicate properly this fucking trade of kitoing.

      • Higwe
        April 16, 17:21 Reply

        You actually lived up to your so called name “African Bambo”.
        Still trying to understand this statement ?
        Was this meant to be an insult or what ? ?

        You do know the bamboo tree is one of the most useful trees in the world .
        Used for construction of roads , furniture , houses , clothes even for medicinal purposes .

        … perhaps you mistook his pseudonym for Baboon ( a monkey ) …


        We can always disagree with people’s opinions without resorting to petty jabs, and in such way avoid embarrassing errors like this.

    • Pink Panther
      April 16, 07:31 Reply

      Lol. You’re kidding, right? You are trying to insinuate that he’s the same with the kito guy? Seriously?

    • Mandy
      April 16, 07:40 Reply

      If Gabi had instead put together a group of guys and they went to see the guy to beat him up, would you also say this trash you said about both of them being the same? You know, unto the act of violence…

      SMH. The empathy you people extend toward these scumbags is part of the problem. You expect us to play by different rules than the rules they deal with us with. And that’s bullshit.

      • Tman
        April 16, 09:19 Reply

        If this African Bamboo isn’t even one of them – the self-hating homophobic gay people stealing from and harassing their kind. Cause I can discern every smidgen of deceit from this comment.

    • Woke Nukwu
      April 16, 08:48 Reply

      It doesn’t matter if he is whatever you call him…..he is a good baller.
      Gabi pulled the plug a bit too early sef….

  2. Funky
    April 16, 07:30 Reply

    That profile needs to be reported,it is a catfish account,a friend of mine fell into their trap last month

  3. Mandy
    April 16, 07:42 Reply

    Well done, Gabi. I just love how pained he sounded on the phone. It’s nice to know that for some minutes, he knew the pain of losing something the way his victims have felt pain for the things they’ve lost to him.

  4. Blackish
    April 16, 08:23 Reply

    I absolutely agree with African bamboo. The pair of you are no different. And might i ask how much more can you steal from these scums to get even? Two wrongs don’t make no right. I do not think that is the kind of justice we desire, we desire a justice where kito evil is criminalised and culprits incaserated for their acts. These scums would only get more violent and heartless if we think we can pay them in their own coin. Again what different are we if we stoop to their low?

    • Yeah!
      April 16, 13:49 Reply

      What is up with nigerians and playing devil’s advocate with their oppressors? Is it stockholm syndrome? Or have we just normalised abuse?
      So pray tell what do we do in the meantime until the law finally criminalises such acts?,equivalating what gabi did to that of the scum is not only undermining the severity of his past and future actions but also a huge blow to that of his victims…..anyways just look at the money gabi whistled out of the guy as reparations a measly one at that cause God knows he deserves far worse

      • Tristan
        April 16, 19:47 Reply

        Did you just finish watching Money Heist?

  5. Beau classic
    April 16, 08:33 Reply

    This story just made my day. If only the kito scum has been subjected to beatings, it wud have been more pleasant. I think we need to start organising a way to deal with this scumbags and probably kito them and beat the hell out of them.
    They have made so many people’s life miserable, I’m not sorry saying this, they deserve to be killed

  6. Bubu
    April 16, 09:41 Reply

    Oh!…you tough oh!..abeg give me ✋…I use to like your kind of person,these kito guys have used his pix very well at iyana school lagos,in 2015 I nearly fell prey to that profile pix,but I just ran the number on facebook search&it gave me the wickedness behind the picture,if not for kitodiaries,I for done wear kito tire….Good work KD

  7. Deeva
    April 16, 10:01 Reply

    There’s little to no difference between the scum and Gabi lol, both players. Now his next victim is gonna experience hell. scary. Stealing from a theif isn’t enough justice or justice at all.

    • Pink Panther
      April 16, 10:07 Reply

      Lol. “Now his next victim is gonna experience hell”.
      So, if Gabi hadn’t done what he did, his next victim would have been given a heavenly treatment, yes?

      • Deeva
        April 16, 12:28 Reply

        No the treatment won’t be less or anything. sorry if I sounded a lil slow.

      • Audrey
        April 16, 18:38 Reply

        Many are mad few are roaming my dear. Some people sha???
        Oga you even made mistake you should have requested for the whole 14k sef so they’d feel what being extorted feels like.ndi beribe

    • Flokifresh
      April 16, 11:10 Reply

      Heavenly treatment no be small… Him go carry him victim go Dubai for shopping…. Anu mpama @ deeva

      • Deeva
        April 16, 12:25 Reply

        You’re nat well lol. I meant no harm by my innocent comment , my opinion and yours. I wasn’t in any way supporting Kitoers (killers). They shall all burn in hell definitely, was only thinking out loud in a really sensitive manner which I sure I’m allowed to having been a victim of these scums @Floki

    • Lyon
      April 17, 04:15 Reply

      Really, girl? Can’t believe this. You, of all people, don’t need to be told of the nonsense these people are doing. I should probably kito you sef when I come around

  8. Dunder
    April 16, 11:03 Reply

    Ogun kee the bastard wherever he is ?⚔️. A fool at forty.

    This reminds me of Ocean’s 11 and 13 where a bastard gets robbed by principled thieves. I may donate the money to a charity or a community member who needs it but I get the mindset of terrorising terrorists. Let “baby” have a taste of his own pudding.

  9. Seth
    April 16, 11:06 Reply

    Abeg forward your details to Pinky and I’ll wire something to your account. Weldone! And I can’t believe people actually feel sorry for this scum? Some of you are delusional and dumb. Be there forming gentleman for people who were raised in a sty.

    • Flokifresh
      April 16, 11:15 Reply

      No mind… Anybody that is showing empathy to that lowest of the low dirty devil in the name of Henry is a born kito…. And they should ask themselves serious questions…

  10. Dan
    April 16, 12:18 Reply

    I have no pity for these scum of the earth and I’m really disgusted by the queer men in the comments playing devil’s advocate. I was involved in a messy kito situation that could have escalated into something bigger if not for my timely intervention. I suffer from severe ptsd,to be honest the event changed something within me.
    Some days I sit and silently pray that the universe keeps every single one of those young men involved alive until i’m fully financially stable to enact my revenge, I want to see them die slowly and painfully by my hand.

  11. Marvey
    April 16, 12:25 Reply

    This is the smartest move someone have made..the player got played in his own game..weldone gabi pls make a coffee sit on ur balcony and sip ur coffee with grace ,poise and in tranquillity…
    And as for African bamboo and co , well wat good do we expect from a bamboo made in africa!!

  12. Ebuka
    April 16, 14:30 Reply

    That Gabin person is my role model as from today,baby lead I’ll follow

  13. Oba of Benin
    April 16, 17:39 Reply

    For the WhatsApp part, I personally don’t like that app?just my FBK or IG is enough for me

  14. Higwe
    April 16, 17:46 Reply

    While we can all agree that Gabi is a smart ass and the rapscallion got served with a bit of his concoction .

    I’d hardly consider this a palmary move against kito .
    The rantipole is going to take it out on his next victim(s) .
    If he used to be 40 percent merciless , he’s going to turn it up a notch to 90 percent.

    While one might argue that a rabid dog was always going to bite , you don’t want to see a triggered rabid dog and the extent of the deleterious damage it can do .

    The widdiful entity now has a fresh wound whelved deep within which adds to his motives.

    All in all , great applaudable victory for Gabi …. not so much for his impending victims .?

    • Blackish
      April 16, 18:00 Reply

      Grammatically put. Simply put; karma is a bitch and she never forgets and she bites deep

      • Audrey
        April 16, 18:41 Reply

        My dear you said it right. Big big grammar no Dey necessary every time biko

  15. Rudy
    April 16, 20:06 Reply

    Gabi is the “mood” we need all year round in the community.

    He outsmarted these people. Something that could have happened to him, he managed to turn it around.

    This is a text book example of having a taste of your own medicine and there ain’t nothing wrong with that!


  16. Astar
    April 17, 08:46 Reply

    Can’t a squard of security officers be arranged and sponsored through this platform to deal with this kito idiots? I will be a proud partner should such initiative come up.

  17. Rexxy
    April 20, 03:43 Reply

    All the pastors have come here to preach bcos of small lockdown of ya churches… Abeg take several sits, if he was kitoed successfully you’ll drag him, now he has guyed guyman you still wanna drag, anyi g’esiere beans before you put off your false act of holiness and congratulate a hard-working man that fooled a fool??????.

    Lass lass Everybody should be careful and I think a plan Shou be made to actually catch this fool,I suspect he isn’t too smart,I once chatted with him from Badoo and he said his name is Daniel from Edo Abi delta that he was an actor yen,yen,yen,yen….

    Gabi you are the war,
    You are the maychim
    You are the Odumeje lwkmd…

  18. Jinchuriki
    April 25, 22:51 Reply

    You did well Gabi (you could have left him with his kito money though) great job!!!

    Let’s all be like Gabi and outsmart these mofos.

  19. Walter
    May 07, 16:00 Reply

    funny but a very nice story….. Gabi you did well.

  20. Tory
    September 11, 07:39 Reply

    GENIUS ???? I actually wish I was this smart .

  21. Tory
    September 11, 07:42 Reply


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