How To Be ‘A Gay’ In Nigeria

How To Be ‘A Gay’ In Nigeria

‘A Gay’ in Nigeria is a peculiar creature. He is hated and despised because a foreign religion told us to hate him. He is mocked, beaten and sometimes killed because his brain or whatever weird process that controls our emotions works differently. Even well-known murderers and thieves can publicly hate on ‘A Gay’ and will be commended for not subscribing to such nonsense.

But do we truly know ‘A Gay’? Do we really know how the mind of this deviant works? The simple answer is we don’t know and we don’t care. A foreign religion that has a history of intolerance and murder told us to hate them; therefore, we shall do so with no questions asked.

But it is not the purpose of this study to analyse the foreign religion. We are simply going to provide a guide of sorts to people who wish to be ‘A Gay’ in Nigeria and are wondering how to go about it. This guide has been compiled after in-depth analysis of road side conversations, radio talks, fire-and-brimstone sermons and B-list articles, and as such, is sure to be foolproof and totally not biased in any way.

We do not understand why anyone in their right mind would choose to be ‘A Gay’ in a country as deeply homophobic and devoid of human empathy as Nigeria, but a religious adherence to the following commandments will ensure that you’re as gay as possible.

1. You MUST be effeminate and love putting on lipstick and nail polish! Also, try to exaggerate the sway of your waist when you walk; it is the best way to quickly achieve maximum effeminacy. Though there have been reports of so-called masculine Gays, they are rare at best and considered a myth in most circles.

2. You MUST be promiscuous and an irredeemable cheat! You MUST laugh at the concept of being faithful to one partner and return home to engage in acts of lust with your thirteen boyfriends, possibly while also practicing child sacrifice and worshipping the devil.


3. You MUST ruin the world! It is yet unknown how you can achieve this, but this is recurring theme amongst homophobes, so it must be true.


4. You MUST subscribe to the label of being ‘A Gay’! It doesn’t matter if you’re bisexual, pansexual or any other sexual orientation in the spectrum. They aren’t real and exist only in the minds of intelligent and reasonable people.


5. You MUST be weak! You MUST remain thin and frail and easily broken by the slightest wind. Going to the gym is for traitors and lifting heavy loads makes you an instant pariah to your fellow Gays.


6. You MUST hate sports! Football and other such activities are unknowable things that you MUST loathe with every fibre of your being.


7. You MUST lust after every male human in sight. See Commandment 2. From the ruggedest straight men who are themselves rejected by women to the muscled hotties who blaze a trail of thirst on Instagram, you must desire all men.


8. You MUST be against procreation of any sort! It doesn’t matter that humans are seriously overpopulated and are close to bringing the Earth to its knees. It doesn’t matter that there are alternate methods of having children. You’re ‘A Gay’, which means you simply cannot and should not have children, because adoption is a ridiculous concept.


9. You MUST raise gay kids! Forgetting the fact that according to Commandment 8, it is impossible for you to have kids, any child under your care must turn out gay. It’s an incontestable rule, similar to the way gravity makes everything thrown up to come down, and the way your straight parents raised gay kids! Wait… that doesn’t make sense…


10. The Shortcut Commandment. Simply be a crossdressing, effeminate man who lusts after every male and worships Satan, and you’ll do fine.

Written by Michael Roars


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  1. N.A
    January 29, 07:37 Reply

    This is so well written and insightfully satirical.???????? I wish this would reach more homophobes, it reflects the absurdity of the things they believe about queer people.

  2. KryxxX
    January 29, 08:29 Reply


    Michael Roars a biakwa ọzọ oh! ?.

    No. 7 always leaves me like huh! “I cover my nyash with the blood of Jesus…..” coming from someone whose body odour can be used to knockout a full grown white rhinoceros before surgery, and whose “Tommy Hilfinger” boxers can make the river Niger a dead zone! The reach. Even the blood of Jesus that has been flowing freely would develop all the clotting factors and clot in its storage tank at the thought of going near there.

  3. Mandy
    January 29, 08:34 Reply

    The only way the homophobes can cope with being homophobic is by refusing to imagine that we’re just like every other human. Hence, all this ridiculousness.

    Well done, Michael Roars. ??

  4. MagDiva
    January 29, 12:26 Reply

    This totally cracked me up. ??

  5. J
    January 29, 12:58 Reply

    Yeah and the effeminate are the strongest and bravest of all.

    January 29, 13:21 Reply

    died at no2. Jeez
    Like I don’t even know where to start laughing from.
    If it’s the “irredeemable cheat” part, or the laughing at the concept of monogamy only to return home and have ‘acts of love’ with the 13 boyfriends. The child sacrifice and Satan worship part totally killed me.

  7. BearsOnly
    February 05, 15:07 Reply

    Damn! You do have a way with words.

    My ribs are creaking, I swear!

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