I Had A Dream About Francis
Abeg make una no vex. I am having lunch but I had to pause and think about something. The mere thought of it killed my appetite. I had a dream about Francis oh! And yes, I can see you perverts jumping into the gutter and rolling in it joyously. It was not sexual. *straight face*. Or was it? I wonder. Maybe I should just tell you the dream and you’ll decide.
See me see trouble oh! Biko if anybody knows Francis here, just warn him for me. How can he be teleporting into my dreams from the Sahara desert? And not like he was in my thoughts or anything. Haba! Tell him that if he wants to see me, he should ask for my house address. Teleporting into my dream is not an acceptable way to visit people where I come from. If he does it again, I will just write his name on a piece of paper and hand it over to an extremely strong man of God. Francis, better be warned! Or prepare to die by fire.
Alright then. Let me tell you the dream. I was there oh! Very jejely on my mat, sleeping and hoping to see Jesus in my dream. If not Jesus, my dead grandmother at the very minimum. But how is that possible when that nuisance called Francis exists? No way! As I dey sleep oh! Next thing, Francis teleported in.
I found myself at my parents’ house and Francis was in the backyard. Hmmm, he had a wrapper tied around his chest, the way those village women tie it when they are in the kitchen. And he was in the kitchen oh! Well, sort of. He was cooking with firewood, in the backyard of my parents’ house! The following conversation ensued.
Me: Docky, Docky! How far na? Wetin you dey do?
Francis: Oh boy I dey kitchen oh!
Me: (surprised) Hian, you dey kitchen? So you fit cook?
Francis: No oh! But mehn, I dey try small-small.
Me: Okay oh! So what’s cooking?
Francis: Agama lizard.
Me: Huh?
Francis: I said I’m cooking Agama lizard.
I reeled backward in shock. Then I staggered to the left, staggered to the right, and then dropped unconscious to the floor. With his doctor instincts kicking in, Francis rushed toward me to give me mouth to mouth resuscitation. But mehn! No way oh! Mouth to mouth resuscitation from doctor wey dey chop agama lizard? Nna, I auto-resuscitated by force!
Francis: Oh! You are awake. Are you okay?
Me: No, but abeg shift far first.
He obliged me and returned stirring his pot.
Me: So where did you find the agama lizard?
Francis: Oh! I came into the yard and it was on the floor, half-dead. I decided to cook it quickly before it dies.
Me: Ehn?
Francis: (scoops some goo from the pot and approaches me with the spoon held forward) Why don’t you have some? It’s delicious.
I began to scream, because Francis’ face had suddenly changed to that of an agama lizard and he was now laughing an evil maniacal laughter.
My dear people, na so I take wake, screaming and pleading the blood of Jesus.
I said it before and I am saying it again. Make una help me warn Francis oh! Chai! My village people are at it again. Have they recruited him to join their cause? Is he the king of the wizard world? Is he the lizard wizard? Is the lizard he was cooking my destiny? My finances? What is the significance of agama lizard plus Francis inside dream ooo! My people, please epp! Any Joseph the dreamer in the house?! HELP PLEASE!
Okay, I’m done. I feel better. Let me return to my meal of agama lizard pepper soup.
Written by Sensei
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41 Comments
Absalom
March 04, 06:04I knew it’d be you. ?
Mandy
March 04, 07:01LMAO!!! You are such a clown, sensei. You’re such a split personality. One would read your lectures and have a hard time reconciling that writer with the one who fools around with comic writeups like this.
Kenny
March 04, 07:41Lol! This had me laughing hard. Sensei you’re a clown. ???
Kenny
March 04, 07:51Bia Francis, since Sensei isn’t interested, can I have some of that ‘ hard Agama meat and the accompanying goo’? *bats eyelashes*
sensei
March 04, 08:00Omg! Children of the gutter don show! Hahahahaha!
Kenny
March 04, 08:29Lol. What I do?
Mitch
March 04, 07:58Sensei, you are not serious! Thanks for making me laugh this morning. Lord knows I needed it.
Ngwa Doc, coman ansa ya summons!
ambivalentone
March 04, 08:11This is some serzly weird shii.
Max 2.1
March 04, 08:21**Reads Miranda rights to myself and keeps mute**
Delle
March 04, 08:39LMFAO! Oh God, Sensei you are hilarical! I’m laughing so hard, my sides ache.
Oya, where’s Francis? He should come and tell us why he should be assuming Zeddicus in someone’s dream…lemme not say what my dad told me about dreams like this…
grass
March 04, 08:58lol.. stop patronizing yorubawood
Absalom
March 04, 09:14Emphasis on WOOD.
DI-NAVY
March 04, 09:28Errrmmmmmm PP and co Admins, pls is there a way where someone can edit his comment and correct some bad tenses and typos after posting? lol, cos most of our thumbs are faster than our thoughts. You read ur comments for a million times you won’t see a mistake but once you post it, you see typos and bad tenses flying up and down from no where like witches and wizards. I always cringe when in do this to myself. I feel like a dim wit.
Stein
March 04, 09:50This wasn’t funny at all, I actually found it insulting
Jon Snow
March 04, 10:38Is your name Francis?
Jon Snow
March 04, 10:39taking panadol for another man headache
Mandy
March 04, 16:07What do you find insulting about it, considering it wasn’t humour directed at you
Philips Francis
March 04, 09:54Hahahahah
Francis where are you ooo????
come answer call
Khaleesi
March 04, 10:44LMAO … funny as hell …
Wayfaring Stranger
March 04, 10:45This is so confusing.
Jon Snow
March 04, 10:54This big head! you finally went ahead to share this piece despite my warning. LMFAO ??? you’re just a bag of beans ????
As for those not finding it funny, you can take several seats behind Michelle Williams’ music career while you grow a sense of humor.
Delle
March 04, 12:11Jon Snow, burn!!! Aaaarrrggghhh!
sensei
March 04, 12:21Omg!!!!!!!!! Ayam crying! Looool!
Mitch
March 04, 12:24Jisox! I think I just went blind. See shade oh!
Nefretiti
March 04, 13:33Lmfao ……… Hilarious!!!!I honestly thought this was gonna b erotic . I am happy it wasnt*looooooool*
Francis
March 04, 14:16This is gross on so many levels. *shudders*
????
Abeg no be me you see for that dream as I don stop to dey tie wrapper for house (*covers face* Attack me not. I’m old like that) and till date I can’t stand reptiles. Me and lil bro fit abandon house for lizards.
Had a really good laff sha…??
P.S: Absolutely zero offense taken. ?
sensei
March 04, 14:48Abeg, beta human being. I knew you wouldn’t be offended cos you have a good sense of humor.
Some people have forgotten how to have a good laugh. Pity.
Philips Francis
March 04, 18:21Francis you sure say you no they even tie scarf for head so to hold you invisible weaves ???
*runs away*
Francis
March 04, 21:00E never reach that level ?
michael
March 04, 22:20Biko I still tie wrapper. Oh am tying one right now.
Philips Francis
March 04, 22:32my dear…. I’m tying one over my breast right now
lmao
Wayfaring Stranger
March 04, 23:29Y’all weird.
Francis
March 04, 23:45Chop knuckle. Own it ???
Peak
March 04, 15:09**Blank stare and blinking intermittently**
Mandy
March 04, 16:05*tickling Peak’s sides* Let it out, nigga. You know you wanna 😀
Peak
March 04, 16:23Lol, Mandy if I give u better slap enh! U go commot hand for my body. Troublemaker inc.
Brian Collins
March 04, 15:47Hahahaha, loved this. Kai.
Geeluv
March 04, 21:42Abeg talk Wetin you want mbok….
michael
March 04, 22:23Sensei dear, you sure say you no get malaria?
This sorta dream is a symptom.
sensei
March 05, 04:41You are right. The cure is to eliminate Francis, then take medication later.
ofunwa
March 05, 14:05Dis dream serious ooo. I won’t buy d idea of elimination, bcos it would be easier to settle whtevr issue it is wth a human than wth a ghost.