Every now and then, the best friend I love but cannot be with because he’s straight would say to me: “Flakes, please make sure you fall in love with a girl sometime, please. You are too fine to waste without a child…” Sometimes, he’d follow this up with: “…But if it happens to be that you falling in love is with a man, well, just make sure it is the right person, and not someone like me, who never stands a chance of making you happy.”

And then, I met Johnson, a 43-year-old uber wealthy South African, who resides in Europe. We got acquainted on Facebook in 2011. I was still a bit naïve then and lived the life of a carefree gay guy. We got chatting and we exchanged numbers, and soon, we were having phone conversations. He called a lot. And during our phone chats, he soon began hinting at a desire to settle down. He wanted someone to marry, and it was obvious from his not-so subtle hints that that someone was me. I recoiled from the idea of getting married to a man, and I made no bones about letting him know that that wasn’t something I was predisposed to.

In spite of the obvious fact that I’d disappointed him, he stayed friends with me, calling and trying to get me to visit him sometime. When I was convinced and ready to venture on such a trip abroad, arrangements for my visit were soon underway. He sent across some money for the processing of my passport and whatever else was necessary to make my trip happen.

As the process went on however, fate intervened. As an elite business man, Johnson was always making business trips across Europe. A trip he made to Western Europe got him into the hands of a dubious escort, who made away with his cash, passport and every other thing in his wallet. This occurrence crushed him, and subsequently, he began shutting out his online associations. He’d initially told me of what happened, and I tried to commiserate with him. But then, he was on his withdrawal. I tried to reach him on the phone, but he wouldn’t answer. And when I left messages for him on Facebook, he didn’t reply those either. After several attempts at reaching out to him, attempts which went unanswered, I let things be.

And then, five years later, he finally broke his silence and made a reconnection. It would seem that five years apart had done nothing to dampen his hots for me. After a few conversations of reacquaintance, he proposed to me again. This time, I was not quick to recoil from his proposal. Years have passed since the last time we went down that road, and I am a different person. I have gotten sick of the rampant and random sex, and the thought of making a commitment to someone has started to seem appealing to me. Before Johnson brought up his desire to wed me this time around, I hadn’t considered making such a commitment a lifelong affair, basically because there is no single gay guy in Nigeria with that kind of vision for the future.

But here he was, offering me what I’d lately been considering. I was admittedly skeptical in spite of my desire to commit. I had questions about us being together. I asked my questions. He did his best to answer them. I let in a few of my friends on my concerns, and the most responses I got was encouragement, that I should go ahead with it my heart and head together. A friend however expressed his skepticism over the fact that someone so apparently well-to-do had stayed unmarried up to his age (Johnson would be 48 now). For a resident of a society that made no fuss over gay marriage and same-sex relationships, my friend opined, something had to be wrong with a gay man who was still single in his late forties. He had a point, and I took my new questions to Johnson. And he had an answer for it, a justifiable response about finding the right person.

The issue is still pending, because I am still skeptical. Before now, I have never been a fan of marriage, both straight and gay. Before Johnson, I was not going to cave to societal pressure to wed a woman. And then, he came along, ready to take the leap. And I still ponder, do I leap with him? In many ways recently, he has extended gestures that assure me he is committed to making us work and that he loves me. I’m not sure I’m quite there yet with him in terms of heart feelings, but I know I will get there. All my life, I have craved love. I have been too afraid to let it in, but from what I have observed of it from friends and those broken hearts that wanted to commit to me in the past, I know it is the best emotional feeling on earth. And now that I’ve ordered for whipped cream, and I’m getting a can of it with extra shake, do I still drink? Or do I return the order and wait for it to be fixed? Because as it stands, I love my family and leaving them to go be with a man overseas, in a relationship I am positive they won’t approve of feels like abandonment. And yet, this is what I want.

My friends said I should do this with my head and heart together. Thing is, they aren’t.


Life never comes in a complete package. Something is always lacking somewhere, because no one gets it all. There’ll always be curveballs you’ll never see coming. But then, according to a good friend of mine, regardless of whatever life throws at you, it is up to you to make happiness out of it for yourself. But then, happiness is a high-priced commodity. How do I buy?

Written by Flakes

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  1. Jamie
    March 04, 06:16 Reply

    Hmm…tough!! You seem to sound like you’ve asked the very important questions and gotten satisfying answers to them…maybe you should just not rush, take your time. And about ”betrayal” to family, I occassionally wonder about that too… There’s always a loophole somewhere, so if you’re distinctly satisfied and want to, take a step; it’ll determine your happiness. Just be very, very careful about it…

  2. Mandy
    March 04, 06:56 Reply

    Ask yourself: what’s the worst that could happen if you travel overseas to wed this guy? To me, the worst would be he’d get tired and not marry you and then leave you high and dry. Well, to prevent this from happening, you could get him to give you financial security as a backup plan, in case he does this. Then when you get there, don’t slack. Work hard to be independently stable. Forge connections. Get rooted. I’m not saying he won’t commit all the way to marriage for the rest of your lives. I’m just saying, you have to do you too. At the end of the day, you’d either have him and your happiness, or you would lose him and still be cool with yourself.
    Basically, what I’m saying is: Are you insane for being skeptical over an issue like this? Grab at the chance. It’s okay to steal happiness if its too expensive for your purse.

  3. segs
    March 04, 07:38 Reply

    he said he loves you and he hasnt seen you before hmmmm

    • alex
      March 04, 16:59 Reply

      You’ve not seen him and you’re considering marrying him? Imagine yourself in this particular situation with a guy that can barely afford three square meals a day? Then ask yourself if u want to marry him. My friend money is clouding your judgement

  4. Kenny
    March 04, 07:49 Reply

    Go to South Africa, get to know him beyond social media. Come back to Nigeria, think and evaluate what you guys have together. Only then should you start thinking about marrying him.

  5. Mitch
    March 04, 07:54 Reply

    Meet with him first. Then and only then can you be sure of what you feel. Don’t rush this one. Take it a step at a time.

  6. Delle
    March 04, 09:00 Reply

    ‘I hadn’t considered making such a commitment a lifelong
    affair, basically because there is no single gay guy in Nigeria with that kind of vision for the future.’
    Hello…have you met me? Pls, no fallacious statements. Thanks.

    To your plight now; this guy obviously likes you (I mean, 5 years and still interested? What could be more genuine?). First things, you’ve got to see him. You aren’t planning on going to meet him over there for marriage straight up, are you? I hope not. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and as such, proper steps are to be taken and measures to be put in place.

    We all crave and want love and at one point in our lives we expect to see that man that would fill the void in our hearts. I don’t want to believe his age is a problem here seeing as you seem comfortable with it, so do not let scepticism and pessimism hold you back. It may just be the best decision you’ve ever made. Oh and concerning your family, would you rather ‘not abandon’ them and be forced to live a life made out of plastic? Plastic smiles here and there when it’s obvious you’re not happy (satisfied more or less). At one point, we are meant to leave our families and make ours. Even the Holy Book is with me on this. So Flakesey, be wise and don’t miss out on this opportunity, you know what they say about opportunities…
    Enough said. Take care, sweet.

  7. Max 2.1
    March 04, 09:02 Reply

    “because there is no single gay guy in Nigeria with that kind of vision for the future” Stop generalizing!!! A lot of gay people I know want to settle down with a man(even though many don’t).

    Family is too powerful, if you don’t detatch, you’ll never be able to follow your heart.

    There’s a lot about relationships that isn’t shown in Hollywood movies. You haven’t seen this person before and you don’t even know how he behaves. Virtual reality creates a perfect image of people who you’d easily be seduced by. Personally, I don’t think proposing for marriage online is a good idea.. You people need to date first(physically) for a while before you can know if you’ll be able to live with his demons for the rest of your life( now I’m speaking from your own POV, I’m sure you have your own baggage too).

  8. Absalom
    March 04, 09:05 Reply

    You seem to be passively waiting for his lead in this whole process.

    Question: If Johnson hadn’t said he loves you, would you? Do you really, independently like him or are you flattered to be liked by someone else? (Many of us behave like this. ?) Note that at this point (5 years on) you may no longer be able to tell the difference.

    Security-wise, I’m sure you know Johnson better than we do…etc, etc, but is it wise to travel to another continent for the SOLE purpose of meeting a man you’ve never met before, with MARRIAGE prospects in view? If you run into trouble there, who will you call for help? If this lovely elite businessman runs a sex slaves dungeon in his spare time, who will come and save you once you’re thrown in there?

    I’m just saying some decisions reveal their badness after it’s too late.

    If you ask me, stay friends and call off whatever marital “engagement” you two have.

    Your friend’s question-mark on Johnson’s long-term bachelorhood is worth considering. He dropped out of your life after a tragic incident and FIVE years later he shows up again asking for you? Has he REALLY accounted for the years of silence or are you making up answers for him?

    Why don’t you work to relocate to Europe on your own terms/money/family’s support… then after settling down, seek out the love of your life and see if you two work? Because this whole travelling-to-marry…make story no turn to another thing abeg.

    Or maybe I’m just overreacting.

    • Max 2.1
      March 04, 10:02 Reply

      Yep, you’re overreacting just like Francis… But you also raised valid points.

      • Francis
        March 04, 21:18 Reply

        Over reacting ke?! Nna this one stinks of international Kito biko. Flakes berra listen and listen some more to Absalom

        Some people can pose like human beings on social media but they are nothing but devils! Ekwensus of the highest order.

        Shine ya eye!

        • KingBey
          March 05, 19:34 Reply

          Lmao @International Kito. If it looks too good to be true, then it is. Dazzal !

  9. DI-NAVY
    March 04, 09:23 Reply

    Absalom and Max is damn right. And i beg to differ Flakes, many gay guys in Nigeria crave to settle with a Man for the rest of their lives many of us have such plans in future and I’m not excluded. I think i was in your shoes about three years ago, and this same man was 43 years old. The truth is, he loved me more than how I loved him, i never for one day said i loved him. Some people might ask you to grab both opportunity with both hands, remember you’re going to a white man’s land where basically you know no one. What if the reverse turns out to be the case, sorry to sound like a wet blanket, but we always have to take a U-turn in our thoughts. For me, why not invite him over since he’s buoyant enough to carter for his logistics, you guys now talk one on one cos its no more a Facebook yarn. Yes i don’t doubt someone loving another without even seeing for the first time.l It happens a lot and it also works out for good. But marriage is a baby step, one step at a time. Millions of guys will jump into this offer yes, but i don’t want you to be miserable. Sure it’s what you want, but is he the one you want to get married to? Meet him first and see for yourself, if it flows then get him to put a ring on it bayyybeee. GOOD LUCK.

  10. Khaleesi
    March 04, 10:29 Reply

    wow … profound! A few Nigerian guys genuinely want to spend the rest of their lives with a man they love, a large number fantasize about it half – heartedly while fucking the entire gaybourhood frenziedly and simultaneously plotting how to become the perfect MGM with a string of boyz on the down-low side and the rest … hmmm
    anyway, you need to take things slow … marriage is a bold step with far reaching consequences, you need to get to know this man outside of cyberspace … have a courtship and steady dating period before you can really be sure he’s the one you want to spend a large chunk of your life with …
    and for those wondering why a 48year old gay man who lives in a tolerant society is still unmarried @ 48, maybe he just never found the right man and was unwilling to settle for less than he wanted which might explain why even after 5 years, he reached out to the same man he strongly felt was the right one for him …
    Flakes hun, you need to tread very carefully…
    i totally understand your point about abandoning family … its a tough choice am still embroiled in and not sure how to sort out

    • Max 2.1
      March 04, 12:50 Reply

      “a large number fantasize about it half – heartedly while fucking the entire gaybourhood frenziedly and simultaneously plotting how to become the perfect MGM with a string of boyz on the down-low side and the rest … ”

      ??? . Touché

  11. Quest
    March 04, 10:56 Reply

    I concur with most of the commenters…You need to tread carefully here. I would suggest you guys should leave out marriage thoughts for now and work on relocating you abroad. When I mean relocation, I mean genuine one with prospects…it can be for further studies or career wise and your family has to be involved. Let him give you time…If he can wait for 5 years, he can still wait for another 5 years….take your time and don’t rush over things. Don’t venture into a marriage with a foreigner without being independent and shutting your family out cos you also have to weigh the possibility of things going wrong.
    So if you really wanna do this start working on how to establish yourself in South Africa before any thoughts of marriage…anything can happen…all the best!!!

  12. bruno
    March 04, 11:07 Reply

    that last paragraph though. so deep.

  13. Marc Francis of Chelsea
    March 04, 11:26 Reply

    How do you plan marriage with someone you’ve only ever spoken to on the phone? A 48 year old that needs to patronise escorts to get some? Call me traditional but that alone screams red flag. How will someone I chatted with on the phone five years ago magically reappear and tell me I’m back to marry you, still over the phone? Do not be roped in by money. Why does he need the internet to find a husband in another country? Does the app he met you on not work in his own country?

    • Mandy
      March 04, 16:13 Reply

      Why does he need the Internet to find a husband from another country? Hon, haven’t you heard of mail order brides? Online transacted marriages do happen, even though they seem too dispassionate to appeal to a lot of people. They exist.

  14. Wayfaring Stranger
    March 04, 11:50 Reply

    I don’t think this is wise.

    You’ve not even met him in flesh and you’re already thinking of going?

    And then when you divorce, you’ll return to your father’s house?

    • Mandy
      March 04, 16:15 Reply

      He’s a Nigerian. Come on. Hustle is in our genes. Ain’t no brutha returning from Europe to his father’s house after a divorce.

      • Wayfaring Stranger
        March 04, 17:25 Reply

        It’s just too risky. I wish the Flaky fellow had divulged his own age, so we’d be able to decipher if he’s being brainwashed or not.

  15. Nefretiti
    March 04, 13:23 Reply

    Firstly, I don’t think u should travel 2 meet him …..he proposed marriage he should come see who he wants 2 marry besides what if he is dangerous , he could b a sociopath for all u know #justsaying. If it was some1 in lagos or Nigeria I would have said ok , but its southafrica and its not #200 bus .
    And I agree, do u love him really or just the thought of getting married? Cos if everything doesn’t work u alone will b left with ur regrets and a broken heart . Not necessarily cos u love him , but becos u wasted ur time and made a terrible mistake.

    Bottom -line , let him come 2 Naija and see u , he should stay 4 a while and get 2 know him . He should come 2 Naija 4 @ least a year then u can decide if u trust him enof , love him enof , are attracted 2 him enof “uhmmm”. And when I say come 2 nigeria 4 a year I mean he should visit u regularly within dat year .

    I pray it works out tho#hopeful

    • Brian Collins
      March 04, 16:22 Reply

      Real voice of caution right here. Although asking him to stay away from his country of residence, his job and all for a whole year is rather drastic even though he is asking Flakes to leaves his family for almost forever as the case may be. But I agree that spending time together before deciding to get married is a good idea. If Flakes would want to leave Nigeria for a while, maybe 3-6months, to get to know the man he would be spending the rest of his life with, that wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Important thing like some people have said is to use both your heart and you head. Any form of marriage isn’t a trivial thing.

  16. Dickson Clement
    March 05, 01:15 Reply

    Our sexuality is just a fraction of our whole constitute. We are individuals, we love, we learn, we develop. When there is a life, there is a purpose! There should be a super plan that is laid out for every purpose, dream, or ambition! You can’t wake up one morning and leave your career, ambition and purpose because of love! You can only find the love that is aligned towards that path which you have taken. Flakes, these past years, you have plans… something you want to be! Something that defines you, sets you apart! There is a particular location where this ur ambition is set, unless you have been planning to settle down in south Africa before this guy showed up, then you shouldn’t even give this a second thought. So, stick to your life plan and fall in love with people who won’t alter your plans. If the love ends soon enough, you continue in your quest for distinction, if it lasts for eternity, then you bless your soul for all the goodness!

  17. Robert
    October 29, 01:16 Reply

    Someone you’ve not even met…
    Be careful, look before you leap.

  18. Emrys_
    March 23, 20:25 Reply

    That was tough. But U Seriously need to sit down and think deep.

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