I May Have Friend-zoned My Boyfriend
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now. And we have a great sexual chemistry, which didn’t seem to wane the longer we were together.
A little more than a month ago, before all the COVID-19, social distancing craze started, he fell ill with typhoid. He was admitted in the hospital, and I was often at his bedside. When he was discharged, I had to move in with him to serve as his caregiver. Then the call for quarantine and subsequent lockdown happened, and we were basically isolating together.
He got better and stronger, and we started having sexual contact again – kisses and hugs, cuddling in bed and occasionally caressing each other’s privates. It’d been over a month since we had sex and I’d started to get really sexually deprived, but I didn’t want to rush him, seeing as he was just getting out of an illness.
It wasn’t until a week ago that, in bed, he finally made the move for us to have sex. I wasn’t even expecting it. He was already in bed and I’d just joined him, prepared to retire for the night, when he started kissing me with an intensity that revealed his intent to fuck.
I was overjoyed by this. We kissed and kissed, there were caresses, and grabbing of ass and dick, and sucking – the whole passionate, steamy shebang.
But then something happened. I still don’t understand it. At some point when he was sucking my nipples, the fire started getting extinguished inside me. The raging hard-on which I’d had began to deflate. I was horrified, because he was inching his way down my body to suck my dick. When he got down there to find it limp, he paused for a moment – in surprise, I’m sure – before commencing to suck it.
To my mounting horror, nothing was happening. He sucked and sucked, and yet, my dick stayed limp in his mouth. My God! I had to do something. I cast about mentally for a sexual imagery that would do away with whatever was messing with my libido. I thought about Twitter porn and all the various clips of big dicks and rimming videos I’d seen on the social media.
Nothing!
I thought about porn stars in action – Rhyheim Shabazz fucking someone, Addicktion eating someone else’s ass, Cade Maddox fucking everyone else, XL 69-ing with Max Konnor.
Nothing!
I thought about the Grindr hookups I’d had just before meeting and dating my boyfriend.
Something started happening, but not fast enough.
Then I thought about my ex-boyfriend, conjured up his face with his full lips and the tongue he usually liked to lick those lips with.
Something was still happening, and my erection was starting to grow again.
I concentrated on my ex’s face, conjuring up more of the times we’d had sex, focusing on the things he did to me.
And my erection stayed.
But I found myself struggling with a failing passion as my boyfriend proceeded to anal sex. There was none of the enthusiastic thrill I usually felt whenever I was about to get fucked by him. In fact, I was dreading his dick inside me, and when he began wanting to push his way in, I realized that I didn’t want him inside me. I got through that sex by focusing on the mental imageries of various porn and past hookups I’d had, some of them with my ex.
And when he mercifully came not long after he started, I was very relieved. I was so averse to the sexual contact with him that I stayed his hand when he reached forward to wank me after his ejaculation. And when he cuddled me, I was so uncomfortable with the intimacy that I slipped out of his arms the moment his soft snores indicated that he’d fallen asleep.
At first, I thought this meant I didn’t like him anymore – or even love him anymore. But in the following days, I found that I still enjoyed his company. Still liked the way he made me laugh and enjoyed doing things for him and taking care of him.
I just didn’t like having sex with him. Not anymore. We’ve had sex again two times since that night, and both times, I participated with barely restrained reluctance, each time depending on my mental resurrection of sex with my ex-boyfriend and past hookups to get me through the sex with my current boyfriend.
It’s gotten to the point where I now dread getting into bed with him, and while the rest of gay Nigeria is lamenting the social distancing because it’s preventing them from getting back to mingling with hookups, I am lamenting the social distancing because it’s preventing me from escaping to my own house. The one person I am expected to enjoy quarantine with is the one I badly need social distancing from.
And it’s not just about the now. I think about what’s happening now, and I wonder what this means for us going forward. Say the world gets over this corona pandemic and everything returns to normal, what then? How do I explain to my boyfriend that I may love him but that I am no longer in love with him? How do I tell my boyfriend that I just want to be friends with him from now on? I really, really like him, and that’s what is making this hard for me. I like him so much, I am tempted to carry on enduring this, just so I don’t hurt him and end up not being friendly with him anymore.
But I want something for me too. If I no longer desire him, then I should free myself up for the opportunity to desire someone else.
I spoke to a friend about this, and he said I shouldn’t trust how I’m feeling, that I should give it time until the world is okay and we return to our normal routine. That perhaps I’m feeling this way because of the unusual circumstances of our togetherness. I’m inclined to think he’s right.
But what if he’s not? What if COVID-19 is over, and I still find that I want my boyfriend to be in the friend-zone? What then?
Written by Mandy
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36 Comments
Ken
April 06, 06:48What u are feeling is the after effects of dramatic change of environment. Simply put, your body and psyche aren’t used to living indoors with a partner this long. Am not a psychiatrist but I believe this happens alot to newly married couples who didn’t properly date before handcuffing themselves together for eternity.
Your brain is shocked at the sudden change of having to be alone with this person for God knows how long. Your best bet is to talk it out. If u are feeling this way, chances are your boo is already feeling your emotional withdrawal too. Talk to ur guy and u guys should try social distancing even in d house. Lol. Take your time, covid ain’t in a hurry
Francis
April 06, 07:27As he said, it’s better to talk about it and figure it out together. Who knows maybe he’s putting up an act sef just as you are ?♂️?♂️
Mandy
April 06, 07:56I’m usually an advocate for communicating things with your better half. Talking things out with the person you’re having an issue with.
But men, it’s gotten personal, and I’m now aware of how difficult it can be to bring up an uncomfortable topic to talk to the other person with.
Francis
April 06, 08:17? ? ? ? ? Shit gets real for real when you’re wearing the shoe. Pele. Hopefully you can figure something out.
Hope the house isn’t hot sha and you’re not like me that dreads physical contact inside heat.
If the house get 2 rooms you can social distance easily ??
Mandy
April 06, 07:54Lol. How does one social distance from his lover who he’s living with under the same roof? Genuinely asking. Cos I wanna know what to say about that should I decide to bring this up with him.
Ken
April 06, 16:42Just cough and sneeze, he will immediately give u one room or toilet to yourself. It’s one of d benefits of corona lol
trystham
April 06, 07:02When is the wedding?
Francis
April 06, 07:28? ? ?
Mandy
April 06, 07:57????
I see what you did there, trystham.
Mitch
April 06, 07:26I’d suggest you wait till this whole isolation thing is over. Get to your own house, into your own space. Then analyse. And maybe try to have sex with him one more time. If it still doesn’t work for you, then it means it’s time for you to tell him. Just, go easy on him. People usually find it hard to understand how their partners can still love them yet not be in love with them.
But, for now that you’re in his house, I think it’s very important that you find a way to dissuade him from having sex with you. You’re not a sex toy. And you can’t allow yourself to be used to give someone an orgasm while bile rushes into your throat with his every thrust.
Maybe just tell him you’re not in the mood for sex. Or something like that. It’d help give you a respite from his sexual expectations.
Mandy
April 06, 07:58But Miss Rona is not in a hurry to go anywhere. How long am I going to continue not being in the mood for sex? ???
Mitch
April 06, 08:37Everytime he asks, boo.
I assure you, the awkwardness you’d feel whenever you say you’re not in the mood would be nothing compared to how bad you’d feel if you have sex with him in this headspace you’re in right now.
Save yourself the stress, nnaa. Just figure out a way around it while you’re in his house.
Higwe
April 06, 10:32Miss Rona will disappear around may but things will return somewhat to normalcy around mid April , so hang in there .
Pay attention to legit news and don’t subscribe to panic.
The death rate in some of the most affected countries are decreasing daily.
Drugs used for treatments have been proving effective.
So many trial vaccines already underway.
The economy might take a hit though , but we will all be alive to revive it…. hopefully. ??♂️
If I’m right send me your nude with your hole showing ?
Persimmon
April 06, 16:28Higwe Trump. You should also prescribe chloroquine.
Higwe
April 06, 22:31??? wait and see .
You’ll say I told you so .?
Higwe
April 06, 10:20Your mind is overwhelmed by everything happening around you and your body is taking the hit.
The fact he also recently recovered from a sickness brings the pandemic a lot closer to home.
I honestly think you’re not being fair to him or yourself by staying on and not having a conversation with him.
If you can’t get yourself to , may I suggest you spend some time away from him till you get your affairs in order .
Last time I asked , the lockdown isn’t exactly a prison sentence.
**************************
Mandy finally updated something about his life , Armageddon is truly upon us. ???
*At the end time the king of the South will collide with him, and the king of the North will storm against him with chariots, with horsemen and with many ships; and he will enter countries, overflow them and pass through*
?
Chezz
April 06, 09:42You are not alone… Though my situation is a bit different but same story. I love my boyfriend but not in love with him. The sex is great and all but I just know something is off. I’m hoping I will find the courage to tell him as it is… But I’m really scared I will lose him… I really love him, like he is freaking awesome… But I don’t feel that spark again.
Net
April 06, 11:23Wow Mandy, I am going through something similar rn, theres this girl I used to really like infact I still like her company and all and she’s in isolation with me but we’ve not had sex, I even dread kissing her because I’m no longer sexually attracted to her, I still care about her but have no idea how to tell her, I can only makeout with her when I drink, it’s just a horrible thing I hope we both find the strength to cut it off.
Delle
April 06, 17:29See Finish syndrome?
Can’t help but laugh ???
Choi!
Ebube
April 06, 14:23I don’t know why relationship between great awesome nice people don’t last…
And this is so very peculiar to the queer community.
There always seems to be a point of “I love him, but no longer in love” and then the “it’s not you, it’s me” part.
The thing this, I could be right or wrong but whichever way:
Ask yourself why you went into the relationship in the first place.
I know you’re stressed and all, but try to get the real answer, you most definitely can’t lie to yourself, that’s witchcraft.
Ask yourself what and how you’ll feel, perhaps, the tables were turned under this same circumstance.
Ask yourself if he had offended you before now, you know something he did that you probably never confronted him about and yoore nursing somewhere in your heart.
There must be something. People don’t just fall out of love. Let’s not normalize this one please, for all our sakes…
All the same. Do what’s best for you, then again, put your partner into consideration too, he also has feelings your decisions could destroy.
#xo
Pink Panther
April 06, 15:16Just wanna ask something.
“I don’t know why relationships between great awesome nice people don’t last… And this is so very peculiar to the queer community.”
How do you know this though?
Gblex
April 07, 18:14You are so spot on pinky. I hope I have the courage to tell my story some day.
Kennie
April 13, 22:55Your response indeed speaks of experience. I read most of what other guys wrote. I don’t know them but I can see most of them are still single.
I used to be an MGM. So I would say this. Welcome to married life. I know all of you all wanna get married some day.
This is what you see. There are feelings you are hiding before this. Search your soul. If you can’t talk it out with him. Confess it to your trusted friend.
Besides I would suggest you try and run a mile every morning and evening. It will reinvigorate you.
Pink Panther
April 14, 05:22You know ALL of us ALL wanna get married some day???
Lol. OK.
Delle
April 06, 17:28Please talk to him about it.
Maybe not now because it may be awkward between you both afterward and having to stay under the same roof will be umm…icky?
So wait this out but not sweat it. I guess this happens. This I have termed the Termination Period almost always happens and I know cos I have been a victim twice.
You cannot ENDURE because you’re hurting him still. Being with someone out of pity is very injurious to yourself and the person (when the truth surfaces which it very well does, many a time. Why risk it?).
OAN, how annoying it is that I can’t even get a decent lay in this times and someone is wanting out of his. This world is indeed unfair ?
Tobee
April 06, 21:16I think it’s possible that in nursing him through his illness you yourself were stressed and this may have affected your capacity to respond adequately sexually.
It is also possible that his illness rushed you into a less erotic phase of your relationship. You still care about him, which is why you enjoy his company; but perhaps nursing him made you see him as more than a sex object (I’m not saying this is all he was before).
You may also not yet have fully come to terms with his recovery, even if you ‘know’ it. You may therefore feel caught between your roles as his carer and as his lover.
From all of these, you hopefully see that there are many possibilities. I’ll suggest talking with him and giving things some time to settle – don’t panic, I’m sure many of our parents would have gone through similar things. Take care and take things gently. Hugs.
Black Dynasty
April 07, 09:13Easier said than done but have a conversation with him.
Don’t delay the convo as there’s only so long you can hold out or pretend to enjoy sex with him. Miss Rona is likely going to be here for a while… at least for a few more weeks at this rate (except we get a cure and/or vaccine in the next few weeks). I work in an industry where we have to make decisions on the probability of things changing…and let’s just say April is written off. The infection rate curve is still growing at an exponential rate.
Thing is, we know deep down when there is a problem and it’s probably best to be honest when it involves the two of you :). We can’t control what happens in the future but you can be straight up with him and walk forward with a clean slate, no matter what happens
I hope it goes well.
T.T
April 07, 11:24I can relate .. I once cared for a guy we were fucking when he was ill. After he got better , He made a sexual move on me but I declined giving him an excuse that all I wanted is for his full recovery. But I lied, because inside me all the sexual feelings I had on this dude have suddenly disappeared, all I did was to hug him and sleep together. I left his place and gave myself sometimes. But When we met again our fucking continues and the sex was great as usual .
T.T
April 07, 11:28My advice is find a way or an excuse you can leave his place and give yourself time, you will reconnect back to him.
Oludayo
April 07, 12:23Hey Mandy,
You may be experiencing caregiver stress. It can have an effect on your libido and mental health as well.
You can look it up and see if it fits
Rexxy
April 11, 07:30Talk to him, analyse your feelings.
It’s more like withdrawal symptoms, I remember when I planned with babe to go to Obudu for almost 6 months and eventuarrii when we got to Obudu I just didn’t feel it, that first night had always had a picture in my head but dorleen i was sick inside and I rather felt sorry for him.
Lucky we both blamed it on “bus Lag” from the long journey but after 3 days baba was getting frustrated because inasmuch as I wanted to have fun with him something was missing.
We talked it out, rather he forced me to talk and when he found out my feelings he made it a point of duty to make me fall for him afresh, date nights, ice cream, romantic gestures, holding my hand… Looking into my eye and all… All the happened and he never pushed for sex.
After 4 more days I had fallen head over heels again and I reaffirmed why I fell for this goat in the first place.
This time I initiated coitus and trust me babe was more than ready to give it to me in more than one way.
I know different strokes for different folks but if you try and think about why you fell the first time, separate your thoughts from sex for a bit and ask yourself if you really wanna be with this person maybe you can make yourself fall back in Love with him. Or you can walk away.
don’t force things
Love you Mandy
Mike
April 13, 02:02Dear Manny, lemme finishing laughing ?.
Think of it this way, sickness is so unattractive. That’s the easiest way I can put it. You’ve seen you boyfriend at his weakest, unattractive self. The part of him, without those activeness or hormones that naturally makes him attractive, right now, he’s a weakling, just human not Edris Alba.
To make matters worst, you’re on lockdown, in the same house with him 24hrs. Sweetheart, there’s no way to put this lightly ?, but all that shit ain’t romantic, it will just kill your drive. You’ve seen him puke, sleep all day, act lazily no strength. ? It’s like all that shit you find attractive is gone.
Well Manny, welcome to having a relationship, the real side of things, the boyfriend without the clean shave, bread and moimoi for lunch not friend rice and chicken, the boyfriend who’ll probably go a week without taking his bath, the boyfriend who isn’t trying hard to seduce you with cheap words anymore, the boyfriend who sees you as normal, no more Infatuation he knows you’ll always be there, you fit somewhere in his life, so there’s no need to fuse, probably seems like he’s taking you for granted.
This is what a real relationship is like after you’ve gotten past the fucking stage, and you’re ready for something serious, a role in each other’s lives, not some fucking hobby literally, that’s what most relationship are actually,just a continuous, constant fucking hobby.
Wait for him to get well, fully well. Get out of the house, breath in fresh air, that does not remind your psych of sickness, weakness blah blah blah.? All that not so attractive shit.
You love your boyfriend and you’re still attracted to him, right now he’s just suffocating you, probably more demanding than you were actually mentally ready for.
So time and space, ? I’ll say, go back on Grindr, hook up, call those ex’s meet up, have sex, have fun you’ll be able to tell the difference.
Certain things just appeal to the mind because of how distant they’re and how much imagination you put into them, than actuality, for example. All your past Grindr hookups where useless to you, your ex’s probably was a psycho or too commanding etc. Your mental mind wouldn’t remind you of this things but would drum up sexually fleeting sex scenes. ?.
Pink Panther
April 13, 08:04This is a very interesting comment.
Francis
April 13, 08:22Relationship is having a moment and the next thing is to hop on Grindr?! ??? I hope when this is dished to you some day, you’d eat it up and not complain fa.
Mike
April 13, 02:07Question duo, how do people in a relationship go months without having sex?. ?.
I don’t understand this shit, someone explain this shit.
Pink Panther
April 13, 08:05??????
Very baffling to me.