I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now. And we have a great sexual chemistry, which didn’t seem to wane the longer we were together.
A little more than a month ago, before all the COVID-19, social distancing craze started, he fell ill with typhoid. He was admitted in the hospital, and I was often at his bedside. When he was discharged, I had to move in with him to serve as his caregiver. Then the call for quarantine and subsequent lockdown happened, and we were basically isolating together.
He got better and stronger, and we started having sexual contact again – kisses and hugs, cuddling in bed and occasionally caressing each other’s privates. It’d been over a month since we had sex and I’d started to get really sexually deprived, but I didn’t want to rush him, seeing as he was just getting out of an illness.
It wasn’t until a week ago that, in bed, he finally made the move for us to have sex. I wasn’t even expecting it. He was already in bed and I’d just joined him, prepared to retire for the night, when he started kissing me with an intensity that revealed his intent to fuck.
I was overjoyed by this. We kissed and kissed, there were caresses, and grabbing of ass and dick, and sucking – the whole passionate, steamy shebang.
But then something happened. I still don’t understand it. At some point when he was sucking my nipples, the fire started getting extinguished inside me. The raging hard-on which I’d had began to deflate. I was horrified, because he was inching his way down my body to suck my dick. When he got down there to find it limp, he paused for a moment – in surprise, I’m sure – before commencing to suck it.
To my mounting horror, nothing was happening. He sucked and sucked, and yet, my dick stayed limp in his mouth. My God! I had to do something. I cast about mentally for a sexual imagery that would do away with whatever was messing with my libido. I thought about Twitter porn and all the various clips of big dicks and rimming videos I’d seen on the social media.
I thought about porn stars in action – Rhyheim Shabazz fucking someone, Addicktion eating someone else’s ass, Cade Maddox fucking everyone else, XL 69-ing with Max Konnor.
I thought about the Grindr hookups I’d had just before meeting and dating my boyfriend.
Something started happening, but not fast enough.
Then I thought about my ex-boyfriend, conjured up his face with his full lips and the tongue he usually liked to lick those lips with.
Something was still happening, and my erection was starting to grow again.
I concentrated on my ex’s face, conjuring up more of the times we’d had sex, focusing on the things he did to me.
And my erection stayed.
But I found myself struggling with a failing passion as my boyfriend proceeded to anal sex. There was none of the enthusiastic thrill I usually felt whenever I was about to get fucked by him. In fact, I was dreading his dick inside me, and when he began wanting to push his way in, I realized that I didn’t want him inside me. I got through that sex by focusing on the mental imageries of various porn and past hookups I’d had, some of them with my ex.
And when he mercifully came not long after he started, I was very relieved. I was so averse to the sexual contact with him that I stayed his hand when he reached forward to wank me after his ejaculation. And when he cuddled me, I was so uncomfortable with the intimacy that I slipped out of his arms the moment his soft snores indicated that he’d fallen asleep.
At first, I thought this meant I didn’t like him anymore – or even love him anymore. But in the following days, I found that I still enjoyed his company. Still liked the way he made me laugh and enjoyed doing things for him and taking care of him.
I just didn’t like having sex with him. Not anymore. We’ve had sex again two times since that night, and both times, I participated with barely restrained reluctance, each time depending on my mental resurrection of sex with my ex-boyfriend and past hookups to get me through the sex with my current boyfriend.
It’s gotten to the point where I now dread getting into bed with him, and while the rest of gay Nigeria is lamenting the social distancing because it’s preventing them from getting back to mingling with hookups, I am lamenting the social distancing because it’s preventing me from escaping to my own house. The one person I am expected to enjoy quarantine with is the one I badly need social distancing from.
And it’s not just about the now. I think about what’s happening now, and I wonder what this means for us going forward. Say the world gets over this corona pandemic and everything returns to normal, what then? How do I explain to my boyfriend that I may love him but that I am no longer in love with him? How do I tell my boyfriend that I just want to be friends with him from now on? I really, really like him, and that’s what is making this hard for me. I like him so much, I am tempted to carry on enduring this, just so I don’t hurt him and end up not being friendly with him anymore.
But I want something for me too. If I no longer desire him, then I should free myself up for the opportunity to desire someone else.
I spoke to a friend about this, and he said I shouldn’t trust how I’m feeling, that I should give it time until the world is okay and we return to our normal routine. That perhaps I’m feeling this way because of the unusual circumstances of our togetherness. I’m inclined to think he’s right.
But what if he’s not? What if COVID-19 is over, and I still find that I want my boyfriend to be in the friend-zone? What then?
Written by Mandy