IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 15)

IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 15)

December 24

So I’m home for Christmas. I haven’t been home for a while, even though I’d love to be. But in between my hectic school work and having to dedicate some amount of free time to see Bae, home has taken a back seat. Also you get treated like an August visitor much longer than normal if you stay away from home. But I call as often as possible to check on mum and dad, and if they are in town when I’m in school, I endeavor to see them. So yeah, I’m still a good shide.

But of course, I had no reason to be away from home this holiday. So after spending a few days with Bae and releasing all that sexual and exam tension, I followed a cousin who had just come back from the abroad home.

The town where home is situated is boring as fuck. Like apart from a few of the kids in the GRA I grew up with, I don’t know anybody. There are a few places to go to, but they aren’t my thing. My brothers have a lot of friends here, perhaps because their school is much closer to home. But the, like, one and only friend I had here has traveled out and I am so not interested in making friends with straight dudes who are just after the next girl to chyke and boring conversations and constant reminders of how weird I am.

I contemplated going online just to see if there are “friends” in the area of more like minds but nah. There’s this low-key paranoia of meeting someone who knows me as the son of my father, and then it all going to shit because to be honest, many of the people in this town are… *exasperated sigh*. Okay, I’m probably being snobbish but you don’t get used to one type of company and find it easy to go back to…to what exactly? I don’t know.

Needless to say, my experience with many of the gays in this town has been less than stellar. But that’s a story for another day, that is, if I don’t stop writing before that day comes.

So I just stay home. I have my guitar. I brought my painting set. I have the latest Pokémon game, Super Mario 3D Land, Kingdom Hearts 3Ds and Hearthstone to play. I’m contemplating getting Zelda. Basically I have everything to keep myself company, so I rarely leave the house.

And that has become a problem to Mother Dearest and her sister – the fact that I stay put at home. I’m sure it’s a lot deeper than that though. My brothers bring home girls often, and me, I’m shacked up in my room, texting away and getting fat. But Mother hasn’t brought it up yet, though it seems like she has tasked my aunt with the responsibility of bugging me about why I’m not bringing girls home or why I don’t go out.

I tried to explain it away. I tried to tell her to mind her business!

I swerved her away. I avoided her away, away, away, away!

I’m still expecting a big talk from Le Aunty though. She is sticking to snide remarks and the like, and I’m sticking to skipping around the subject. Not sure why being a homebody is an issue though. Lol. My mum should just hurry up and accept the fact that I’m different but in a well adjusted way, because I don’t care what these straight mo’fuckers think.

Oh, I’ve realised I have a distrust for straight people. It’s borderline heterophobia, for want of a better term. Why should I be friendly with people who might scream “off with his head” if they found out the real me?

Anyhoo, so the other night, as I was doing dishes, Mother was talking about some type of breakfasts she intended to start making. I jokingly interjected that we’d probably get fat quickly from eating those breakfasts. And she was all like, “Ehn, exercise. You’re a boy, you’re supposed to exercise. Find a sport to play like other boys.”

She has been doing that for quite some time now, trying to up my manliness via exercise. Normally, I’d say, “Well, I swim and go for long walks” to placate her, but I decided I was having none of it that night. I get exercising to keep healthy – but because other people expect you to?

I asked her why I should start exercising and playing sports, and she reiterated that it’s because that’s what boys do. I responded that boys don’t have to do anything; that it’s all a societal construct; that I’m a boy and I have little inclination to exercise let alone play sports; and that if it was that I was getting fat in a way I wasn’t happy with it, I’d consider exercise, but that I won’t exercise because society told me to.

When I was done, she gave me a sour look. I walked out of the kitchen a bit mad at her. She had always been the one telling us to have our own minds, but I guess she’s gotten uncomfortable when we have too much of our own minds, because that means in becoming individualistic, it’d mean less control or something. Or perhaps she’s just worried her little boy isn’t going to fit in neatly with society.

I probably never will. Even among misfits, I still manage to stick out even when I try to hide. It’s frustrating and I often wish I was “normal” or at least “weird” in a way that’s comfortable or unexciting. But it’s not to be and I’ve made my peace with that.

Anyway, I’ll just be here for a few days longer. I will soon leave for Lagos to do my internship at a clinic. I am looking forward to that.

Written by IBK

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  1. Mandy
    December 25, 06:48 Reply

    this is really sad, how much your mother’s anti homosexuality has turned her into a contradiction of sorts. How it has made her into someone I’m sure if she took the time to look at, in a saner time, might not even recognize. It is sad how steadfast people will hold on to any ideals, no matter how unreasonable, as a life raft in the turbulence of a loved one’s homosexuality, when they could simply, Oh i dunno, accept the person and love him still.
    How hard is it to keep loving who you’ve always loved after finding out he or she is gay?

    • Francis
      December 25, 10:42 Reply

      How hard is it keep loving someone you’ve always loved after finding out he/she is a raging homophobe? ???

      I think it all takes time. Just give dem space to deal with their conscience, Jesus and whatever and unlearn all the messed up ish they’ve been fed life long.

      • Mandy
        December 26, 07:19 Reply

        The circumstances are different. No one should get used to hate. No one should have to be put through hate. When you love someone and suddenly find out he’s gay, to start ‘un-loving’ him based on that is just ridiculous.
        On the other hand, when you love someone and suddenly find out he’s a hateful bigot, that’s harmful and toxic, and it’s justifiable for one to not want to keep associating with such a person.
        The revelation of homosexuality in a loved one harms no one. The revelation of homophobia in a person is very harmful.

        • Francis
          December 26, 09:23 Reply

          It’s ridiculous to us but to them it’s not based on whatever load of crap they’ve been fed by their rabid pastors and religious texts.

  2. Francis
    December 25, 10:35 Reply

    Abeg when is the Paris Lagos waka and for how long?

  3. Icarus
    December 25, 13:23 Reply

    I love the way you write. It’s smooth, simple and very organic. It’s almost like you are not trying too hard to write, you just let it flow out naturally, showing your vulnerabilities and your strengths; which is very beautiful. I relate to your journal on a personal level, it’s almost like I’m reading the story of my life ( apart from your mom knowing your sexuality though…). Keep it up dear

    • IBK
      December 25, 14:12 Reply

      Thanks hunty ???

  4. ambivalentone
    December 26, 09:16 Reply

    This reminds me of that deserving love post of the other day

  5. Jide
    December 26, 11:57 Reply

    Loved the flow of this story. It seems like you write better when you’re home.

  6. Nel
    December 29, 00:43 Reply

    The Nigerian mum and homophobia!
    Mine keeps going on about the kind of clothes I wear and how it would attract boys to me … In my head I laugh because that’s what I’m probably aiming at… Oh if she knew!

    If only THEY know…

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