IBK’s JOURNAL (Entry 30)

November 2

Hey guys! I’d usually start by apologising for being AWOL for such a long time, but I’m pretty certain I’d just do it again. So, there’s no need. But I’ll be honest that I’ve been wanting to write for a bit even though I never create the time to. You’d think that me wanting to write means I have something to say, but as I type, we will see if that’s the case.

Anyway, things have been interesting. I’ve been serving my fatherland, and by serving, I mean being his bitch as he screws me royally with a stupid excuse for an allowance. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about rent because I’m in a city where we have a family house and I’m staying with my cousin. She knows I’m queer and is cool with it, so… *hair flip*.

Before camp, I had my heart broken.

But it was broken in such a way that I almost didn’t feel right to be heartbroken. The situation was beyond my control and his too especially. He was grieving the loss of someone and he just didn’t have space for a boyfriend in his life anymore.

One thing my friends said across the board was that grief makes people different. And he was different. He kept saying he didn’t need a boyfriend, that he needed a friend, and he didn’t want me to tag along while he was finding himself. I understood that. But at the same time, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why someone who said he loves me was kicking me out like we hadn’t had two very happy years together.

I was willing to wait though. But he couldn’t promise me that after finding himself on the other side – if he ever got there – that he’d still want me. He couldn’t even ask me to wait. He wanted that decision to rest on me. And it was one that would hurt either way. But I kind of decided to wait. Love conquers all, right?

Wrong.

I got depressed. I could feel it like smoke underneath my skin and I felt bloated with it. I couldn’t sleep. I would either eat little or overeat. It kinda got so bad, that I thought of and attempted self-harm. I took a fork and twisted it in the crook of my elbow with the hope for a little relief from the sadness I was feeling over not being wanted by the one you want. Over wondering if after all the time spent together, whether this was it. The worst part was the constant beginnings of hope followed by the sudden disappearance of it.

It feels a little dramatic. Maybe I’m not mentally strong like that, I don’t know. But it’s something I did. It wasn’t for attention. I just wanted to feel better. But it didn’t quite work.

So, I called him the next day and we talked and we ended things.

I was in camp a week later and it felt like I was mourning the death of something very precious. I had Robyn’s Missing U on repeat. I was a silent mess. But I made up my mind to heal. I made up my mind to not be angry, and if I did get angry, I’d let myself be angry. I also made up my mind that I wouldn’t use a relationship to get over him.

And it kinda worked. The distractions of camp helped. After the activities of each day, I’d be so tired, I’d promptly fall asleep.

Then camp ended. And I had to stay alone in a big house because my cousin’s school was on vacation. I’d remember him and cry. I’d want his ridiculously warm, smooth body next to mine and wish and wish things hadn’t ended the way they did. But they had ended and I’d wake up in the morning with a little more resolution towards letting him go.

Then I met someone… But that’s a story for another day.

I am in a much better place now. I still feel sad about the whole thing sometimes. And from conversations I’ve had with him, it would appear that he did have his own share of heartbreak. But I’m trying to be the friend I guess he needs, but which I couldn’t accept being.

I still miss him. Two years can’t disappear in the space of a few months. But I’m pretty sure our relationship will settle nicely into being just friends because, in the beginning, we were friends. And I believe romantic relationships built on friendships can evolve into platonic heartfelt friendships.

Well, what do you know, I did have something I wanted to write about. But that’s it for now. Remember to be kind to one another. Peace!

Written by IBK