JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 35)
April 18
It’s a bit annoying how you mention going out with a friend to have a good time to someone else, and they ask if you guys fucked. And I’m like, ‘No! We didn’t fuck! Yes I have a sex life, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to get into the pants of anything that moves.’ It’s even more annoying when they go along the lines of “But he’s a guy na, and you’re a guy, and he’s gay…” You’ve basically reduced my gay life to being just all about sex.
Some people you just cross the bridge of not having sex and becoming very wonderful friends. Of course, when you’re drunk or something, it might happen. But it’s not part of your plan for your relationship with them. You’re not friends with benefits. You’re just friends. I’ve got people like that, people that are just friends. I might have initially found one or two of them attractive, but as time went on, they just became like brothers (or sisters, Lol) to me.
I hung out with one such friend from Sunday till Thursday. And it was awesome! I had so much fun. And being back in my room in Ibadan made me realise how quiet my life really was.
That Sunday we went to a birthday party at a club, and for the first time I lowered my inhibitions and danced. I’m still not a great dancer but I did bust a few moves. The guys danced like boys and girls, switching between the two fluidly. And though the straight folks from across the bar eyed us, we didn’t care, every one of them dropping it like it was hot and bringing it back up, till you begged them to stop. It was just crazy. Forgive me from sounding excited; this may be a regular occurrence for some peeps, but not me. The longest I’ve been in a club is five minutes. I still got a migraine from the loud music but it wasn’t so bad. Pity I couldn’t get as high on alcohol as I’d have loved to.
On Monday we spent the time at home, and I faced another person that had made me decide to make the trip. This guy really likes me and I was sort of going to use the visit to meet him. He’s a really great guy and all but he just wasn’t for me. We’ve been talking for a long while. I’ve warmed up to him. But we just didn’t click.
There are people I’d tell this to, and they’d be like love is all about friendship. No. It’s not all about friendship, just like it isn’t all about physical attraction. Love isn’t all about one thing. It’s about all the little and big things adding up together. Some people can be in a relationship without some initial form of chemistry. I can’t. I refuse to start off dating someone in the hopes that we click later on. It’s different if we were friends and chemistry later came up, but this guy and I had little chemistry, at least from my part.
Then there’s the fact that I’m not ready for a relationship. I’ve been there and done that, and though sometimes I want to have a boyfriend, I think being alone is what I really need right now. I told him this, but I think he was taking to the idea that at some point, when I’m ready, I’ll say yes to him. So just to be clear, I added that even if I do feel ready, it’s not guaranteed that it’s him I would date.
I knew it hurt like a bitch to hear that. It would hurt like crazy if I heard that too. But I’d rather I know from an early stage that things might not work out between me and a love interest, than be led on only to feel foolish when I find out the person has a new beau. He said I’m so mean. Lol. I probably was. I even am. But I was doing what I would expect someone else to do for me to save me face.
And what’s with people EXPECTING you to date them. I understand hoping. But EXPECTING you to… Nah, man. Just because you’re doing everything right and just the way I like isn’t a reason to expect that I’d fall in love with you or to go out with you or fuck you or whatever. Most times we set ourselves up for disappointment and don’t even know it.
Then there was a small blast from the past when some guy I met re-added me on BBM. Reason for deleting me? I started dating my most recent ex. He said that he thought we had an understanding. I have no idea what the fuck he was talking about. Maybe he took my politeness as a yes to whatever understanding he built up in his head. Then he told me he wants us to have an understanding again and go back to the way things were. I swear I am evil deep down, and it was the grace of God that made me not tell him to fuck the hell off and stop acting like a lil bitch. Understanding what? What the fuck are you talking about? Apparently, there are some people you are dating that you don’t even know you’re dating.
Anyway, I didn’t tell him that. No. I simply told him we could be friends and only friends. No understanding whatsoever. And I used plain and simple English for him, so he wouldn’t twist it up in his head. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but his behaviour is giving me the creeps and telling me to run for my fucking life.
I sound like a douche, right? Lol.
Back to my trip… On Monday, I met Arabian princess and I realised I had a thing for tall lanky peeps with full lips. He’s quite boisterous and interesting. His taste in music is almost impeccable, just like a few other fabulous friends I made.
On Tuesday, I got drunk. First time ever. We started with playing a game of ‘Never Ever Have I’, and took shots. And next thing, I’m taking swigs from the vodka bottle instead of sips. I can’t say the exact time I realised I was drunk. But events started happening. My friend got heavily drunk, and he kept on shouting, “Never drop that alcohol!” “I’ll be fine as long as you give me more alcohol!” and “I’m going to see my boo tomorrow!” Lol.
As for me, I sorta hated it all. I have come to realise I hate not having full control. I remember some of the events. I remember making out with like three guys and realising then that I was drunk. I remember talking about how hot a girl in the house was and how I wanted to put my face in her boobs and go “brrrrrrrrrrr”. I remember crying for some stupid reason (yes, I’m apparently a cryer when I’m drunk), and I remember talking about the nervous system and how the parasympathetic nervous system ensures we don’t pee on ourselves, and desperately hoping I wouldn’t do something stupid like pee on myself or vomit in the bed or shit my pants. Luckily, I didn’t do any of that. Every time I needed to pee, I woke up my friend (the one that likes me) and asked him to please take me to the bathroom. I vomited once and felt better. All in the bathroom.
Someone said something. He said he would advice me to get drunk more often. That I’m one of the most pure-hearted people he’s ever met and I said some really deep stuff while inebriated, and he could see I was fighting for control instead of letting the alcohol take over me. Lol. That made me blush.
One lesson I took out of this is that the Bible wasn’t kidding in proverbs when it asked people to not get drunk. We have self control for a reason and alcohol takes that away and makes you start acting like an animal. Too much of anything is bad. I won’t be getting drunk anytime soon. It’s not all dancing on table and enjoying yourself. It’s also opening yourself up to the darkness and some despair, like a friend who became pretty violent and formed a hazard to himself, and me who felt a wave of depression and started to cry.
Wednesday had me mildly hung-over. Just a small headache, very small one. I’d expected myself to have a migraine or something. It also had me exploring my attraction to my friend’s friend.
I’m weird. Apparently the guy I was attracted isn’t so good looking and he’s one of the last people they expected me to be attracted to, but there was something about his eyes that I liked and I really wanted to see what it’d be like to kiss him. But he’s got some ex issues, and I don’t want to get in the middle of that, for my sanity’s sake.
I got back to school on Thursday and it made me realise how quiet my life was with no roomie. I’m thinking of getting one, hopefully someone I’d be compatible with. He’d have to have very little traces of femininity in him so my parents won’t smell a rat. I’ve been sleeping in a friend’s room. My room just doesn’t feel welcome anymore.
I’m on my way home for the weekend. I’ve got another day’s fasting for my bondage. I’m so frigging hungry. Later peeps.
Written by James
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51 Comments
Pete
April 19, 06:49I love control so I can’t see myself exceeding my alcohol limit.
Max
April 19, 06:50Is it some requirement that your roomie must be gay?
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 06:53Living with someone who’s straight (and possibly antigay) could pose a problem for James living freely in his own space, no?
Max
April 19, 07:02Yeah true.. But why get a roomie in the first place? I never had a roomie and I loved it. No matter how lonely it might feel to be alone, getting a roomie will turn out to be your worst nightmare.. About 90% of people who had roomies in school are chronic complainants, about their roomie of course. The experience is very different from the thought of it.
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 07:04You’re right. You never know how valuable your personal space is until you get a roommate. lol.
Brian Collins
April 19, 14:30I can’t ever live alone for even two weeks, especially inschool. I’d be so bored i could die. And then when you go broke, that situation can perfectly be described as O Y O.
Ruby
April 19, 06:57Another beautiful piece James!
We all need a lil alchohol in our systems every once in a while but the key is moderation.
М̣̣̥̇̊Ɣ mojo is Drink but “N̶̲̥̅̊☺ fall inside Gutter”
In due course I do hope you find some roomie you are compatible with and a boyfriend as well.
Take care Hun… :*
Sinnex
April 19, 07:00Nice one.
I still don’t get where people got the idea that since you both are gay, that means you can start shagging. A friend of mine came for an interview in Abuja from the east, he spent the night. It was fun. We spoke and all, but we did not do anything. I knew he wanted us to do something, but I have never been attracted to him. When it was time to sleep, I went to my room and locked the door. The next day he told me that I was shy and not romantic…
I keep telling those who care to listen that a straight guy wouldn’t sleep with any straight girl he sees because they can, so why should a gay guy sleep with any gay guy, it is all so confusing.
Let me not type another epistle before it gets deleted by HRM…again!!!!
Pete
April 19, 07:19Sinnex, the last bit was uncalled for
Mitch
April 19, 07:18The alcohol thing is a no no for me. I hate losing control in life. I’ve only lost control once, to the guy I loved. Besides losing control, I still can’t get over my inhibitions to taking alcohol.
And James, if you value your sanity, drop the roommate idea like a bad habit, fast! It never works. All that happens is you getting pissed off with every passing day and more miserable than you already are.
And you owe me a call!
Brian Collins
April 19, 14:32Is this coming from experiential knowledge? Cos i have a roomie and we are good friends and even though we may have issues, it is working out just fine.
iamcoy
April 19, 07:45Please James was the music played at the club Taylor swift or Naija vibes? #askingfordonjazzy’speaceofmind
as for the roommate issue, I am coming to do a diploma in ur school so I can share that room. Don’t worry bout the effeminacy bit, I have perfected the disappearing act and ur folks will NEVER see me.#grins
Ueze
April 19, 13:42Point me to your teacher, please.
iamcoy
April 19, 17:54Lol.. she receives tuition fees in hard currency
Oluwadamilare Okoro
April 19, 08:17Great Entry. Some of the talking points I had in mind this weekend.
Presently still fighting hangover from friday night… but when I drink? I must always be in control. Sometimes I even go to the stall at the club and psych myself and be sure I am still in control.
I wish I had gay friends that we get to hang out and have fun. I have never done that. *sad*
Finally. Roommates. I have only ever had two during nysc days… not together tho… one after the other relocated… great experience… I believe the key is understanding the person and you both should not consciously annoy the other.
Mercury
April 19, 08:30Nice read again…..yeah, its messed up how someone you just met is all up in your grill, talking about his love for you and trying to cajole you into a relationship. I had sex with a policeman on Thursday morning, I heard policeman and i was excited thinking he was a stud. Turns out that after d sex he became this clingy, whinging and annoying teenage girl, telling me he wanted to marry me, and I’m evil for saying no, calling me a flirt and insisting nobody else should come 2 feet near my dick. Needless to say I regret those 30mins.
About alcohol….I’m a very quiet drunk, when we drink and I become really reverent and silent, I have officially reached my limit.
And pls dear, getting a roommate is a terrible idea from experience. But its your decision, if you can handle it then do it.
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 08:33Lol @ thinking the policeman is a stud. Why do uniforms give that impression to otherwise ordinary men? That impression that they’re simply studilicious…
Mercury
April 19, 08:53My dear I wish I knew!!!
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 08:55And for this ‘stud’ to make the fall from policeman to whiney fifteen year old school girl… LOL! My dear, just how good was your D? 😀
Mercury
April 19, 09:00Hahahahhahahahaa, this is a married man with kids oooo, I expected him to be brazen to some extent turns out he isn’t. So sad.
Max
April 19, 11:54@Mercury, I’m so into this story of yours. Would you be a good “stud” and write it for the house puleese???
I have so many questions about the Po Po .. Was he cute? (Never met a cute Po Po)..
Errrm, what kind of sex did you ppl have? And what positions?
Ermm, lemme shurup now.
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 11:58My goodness, why didn’t I think of that. Yes, Mercury, you think you can whip up this gist for the house?
Mercury
April 19, 14:02Lol…..Chaiii!!!!, y’all are worse than Wendy’s studio audience. I’ll try to type something. I hate to type tho….wish I could dictate to someone who would. Lemme drop tid bits tho….he’s 34, 5.8, cakes for days, trust me I’ll know. That’s d second reason why I went for him, he is cute, he prefers to bottom and moans likes crazy which is just delicious. I just wish he had his cap and gun tho.
zinnat
April 19, 08:37Nice one James, u nailed it once again…..My friends call me boring coz i dnt take alcohol, not like am a saint but the 1st day i took alcohol i started talking irrationally plus i had this terrible migrane (same reason why my father stopped taking alcohol) so i figured it aint my thing.
As for having a roomie, make sure u know him (or her lol) very well before you 2 can stay together, bcoz u wont know some peeps true colour until you ppl start living together.
Diablo
April 19, 09:24Sex now has become so attainable that it lacks substance, atleast thats how I see. I could easily get sex if I wanted to but id rather opt for something with more meaning, something more long lasting, it doesn’t have to be a relationship, it could be friendship, or the possibilities of networking. I like to think ive passed the stage of the consensual hook-up, but its unfortunate that for the majority of Nigerian guys, its the status quo. Which would explain why I haven’t been royally fckd since Feb
Absalom
April 19, 09:35I don’t drink. I have a weak head and alcohol makes me bored and sleepy.
If I were the one going through that fasting, I’d fast for one full week then pretend to faint in front of my mum – gay son or dead son, choose one.
But that’s me sha…not saying you should do it.
Bye!
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 10:11LMAO. And so the seed was planted.
JustJames
April 19, 11:42It’s a crazy idea but why do I kinda like it…. *strokes goatee*
Chuck
April 19, 10:24Isn’t that type of dancing at a club a kito – risk? Imagine what would happen if you were recorded
Max
April 19, 11:59Nothing will happen. Men dance like girls all the time. You have to catch someone having sex with another guy for a potential Kito to happen.
trystham
April 19, 17:48But u’d b surprised how the girls there in d club will be hating. Shuo!!!
trystham
April 19, 10:27Don’t we hate to hear the truth. I have lost count of how many times I have had to have myself blocked, called an arsehole just cos I said “No”, “lets be just friends”, “I hate pictures”….James, u aren’t mean, just truthful.
I’ve NEVER gotten drunk. I’m sure someone wud av come across a very slim dude with a bottle of water tucked under his armpit at the club b4. Yep. C’est moi. I’ve had to wash bathroom after a monkey got drunk and threw-up in it and I don’t ever wanna have to let anyone suffer that embarrassment for me. Beside SOMEONE has to drive home. And as much as I can bitch about how dirty and stressful having a roomie can be, I just can’t live without them. Whats life without someone who doesn’t scatter ur ordered life once in a while?
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 11:18But roomies don’t scatter your ordered life ONCE in awhile now, do they?
trystham
April 19, 16:06Errr…nope, I don’t think they do. #sigh
Peak
April 19, 11:03Ok james! Some people might not agree but this entry is by far the most interesting entry of all you journals so far, it has this edgy feel to it. Would have love to be a fly on the wall and wstch u all act a fool. I love clubs, but its more fun when u have a gang to go with, but since I dont ve that, I stay put and think of my life every friday night.
Well I’m usually a stuck up prick, very robot like if I might add, a couple of drops of alchol in me ……….. ok maybe a couple of bottles of beer (spirits knocks me out faster so no) and you ve a rock star thats if I’m drinking with ppl around my age or friends or an extremely quiet dude if I’m drinking with colleagues (drinking with old men is no fun).
JustJames
April 19, 11:27Your not the only stuck up person… My friends also called me a prude. Me! Prude!! I’ll show them.. *sips vodka*
#TeamKizito
April 19, 11:381st paragraph, 2nd paragraph, and there’s no point reading on…
This is it. This is me..
Dear, Jemima
JustJames
April 19, 11:44Call me Jemima one more time…. -___-
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 11:54Jemima… *stifling giggle* Kinda catchy.
Brian Collins
April 19, 14:37I like Jemima
ColdHeat
April 19, 11:49Beautiful one. I met my present Bae a few weeks ago, in a friend’s house. It didn’t click at the moment. At least for me. But he started acting like a poisoned cockroach, edging up to me, talking to me and all that. I didn’t know that it was the spark going off in him like a tornado. He didn’t let go. Me, I started loving him small-small as time went on and right now he is a marvelous part of my life. My love for him no get adigboroja. So, you see, for some people it is instant. For others, it takes time. I think that if you’re single and are willing to take on a relationship you should give people a chance, give yourself sometime and see if you can warm up to them. If, at the end, the guy’s water no fit do your garri, please tell him. Unless, of course, you wan drink the garri.
pinkpanthertb
April 20, 06:22Poisoned cockroach… LOL!!!!
trystham
April 19, 12:55Hi James. Before now, I never got to determine if u were an avowed gay person. I only got the vibes that girls were always ‘friend zoned’ or ‘sister zoned’. But in the heat of recent times, I cannot but note ur defense of Bi-Sexuals (not that its a bad thing tho) and now in ur drunk moments, wishing to use a girl’s chest for a pillow. Now I want to ask, but before u say sexuality is fluid, were you gay?
Do u think your mom’s prayers and fastings are making u see the ‘light’ of being inclined bothways and soon u may even become straight?
OR are u under some form of pressure??? Its not like there’s anything I can even do about it, but seriously, doing things u have always said u didn’t like…being drunk n clubbing, now considering a roomie, for someone who likes his space…are u really alright? #askingoutofgenuinecuriousity
pinkpanthertb
April 19, 13:01Do you think your mom’s prayers and fastings are making u see the ‘light’…
Lol.
Trys, you wanna find a way to slip that testimony to James’ mom.
trystham
April 19, 13:59LOL. I’ll bet she’d be soooo pleased. But I really was being curious and very serious with the qxns tho. I just wonder. *shrugs*
JustJames
April 19, 15:06Very thought provoking questions. Currently all I’ve got is mild (quite mild) curiosity as to whether having sex with with girl is as good/bad as bi/gay people make it seem. I still feel very much gay. I I don’t know if it’s a miracle in the making but I do know I don’t want to be pinned down. A little adventure into the unknown can help me find myself. I’m just 21. Life is out there for the taking, so much to do, so much to explore, so many forbidden fruits to taste..
trystham
April 19, 16:11U know Pinkie, I think James’ mother’s testimony is not far away now. “I DON’T LIKE MEN NO MORE!!!” *does a jig and tap dance*
pinkpanthertb
April 20, 00:06Hahahahahahahaa!!! A testimony is on the way, Trys
Brian Collins
April 19, 14:44I have gotten drunk only a few times about 5 maybe, though the second time the drink was mixed with water boiled with weed, so i felt rather high than drunk. I also dont think i liked that i couldnt control what i said or did.
Gad
April 19, 16:17Nice entry James. Its not cool to get drunk.
Slim Emmanuel.
April 19, 16:53The relationship I have with friends.. Gay friends that is.. No sex.. just talk and hangout… runs deeper than any relationship I’ve had. there’s this thing about hanging out with someone who knows you’re attractive but just wants nothing from you but your company and friendship. the intimacy runs deep.
And rommie? No.. I guess you’re an introvert. “Quiet life with no roomie” that’s how you recharge. hang out with people once in a while and then come back to your nest. You ll value that quiet life when you get a rommie. I’ve been there. just my two cents tho..