It feels like I’m about to die, with a tight chest and an aching back. I struggle to turn my limp body to the side to catch my breath. I open my heavily-laden bloodshot eyes and reach for my phone in the overwhelming darkness. After several failed attempts, I manage to grasp it, and I press the power button, which sends out a dazzling flash of LCD screen light that burns my retina. I narrow my eyes against the sudden burst of light, as my pupils adjust to the sudden change in illumination. I struggle to make out the time from the screen. It is 3am. I let out a sigh of disappointment.

“I thought it was over, the night.”

That part of the day when most people sleep and relax their minds was the time I spent fighting demons.

Before you start screaming ‘Supernatural’, it’s not the demon you think. This demon doesn’t come, a grotesquerie of black robes, fang-like teeth, tapering claws and dark wings. It comes as your deepest and darkest fears, insecurities mashed up to make a perfect cocktail of anger, agony, sorrow, self-pity and despair. This demon has a name, and it’s called depression.

The first time I ever heard of depression, I thought it was some sort of mental illness for sad, old, white men and withered spinsters. I thought it was one of those words coined to give a name to something that is mostly irrelevant, something which had no effect on the general population.

How wrong I was.

It starts off as a thought, the thought of life in general, how things could’ve been, what I’ve achieved so far, what I’ve lost, where I’m heading. And suddenly, I find myself tumbling into a dark void, bereft of life and existence, where the whole world is naught. I feel a growing pain in my chest, my eyes burn, and I lose control over my thoughts.

Thousands of thoughts and images dart through my mind, fleet of feet, and every sound suddenly gets stolen from my surrounding. It’s like driving a very fast car down a busy road, without any control of the brakes, and you are scared you’re going to hit someone, but you don’t. Different emotions course through my veins and I scream within me to make it stop. But it does not stop.

It feels as though a dark cloud is hovering over me. I feel alone, lost, confused, helpless, and unable to do anything about the situation. Throughout the ordeal, anything and everything annoys me. My personal space becomes smaller. Friends and family become insufferable. I force myself to cry it out, but I can’t.

The thought of my future haunts me. I try to evade it, but it just keeps hammering till I let it in. I’m tormented with images of what the future could be, depending on the choice I’m yet to make – either marrying a woman I’m never going to love, just to satisfy my family and society, having kids, living my life on other people’s terms, being unhappy and also making an innocent woman unhappy; or getting out of the country and settling down with the only kind of human being I can love, a man. But then, I shall be burdened with the thought of all the people I will disappoint; my family will be abandoned and will probably never understand why I made the choices I made.

In the wake of these haunting thoughts comes self-pity. It starts whispering hurtful words into my ears. About my yet-to-be achieved goals, about my current job and its lack of fulfillment, about time in general and how fast the clock is ticking, about how I have no control.

Then sorrow and agony takes their cue, filling my mind with an emotional surge. I feel powerless, helpless and useless. I feel so little in such a big world, unable to make any impact, wondering if anyone cares what I have to say.

When I see a child with his father, or when a child places his/her hands in mine, it triggers something in me. For a second, just for a second, I wish I could make that feeling last. But it doesn’t, and I can’t afford to. That’ll mean destroying other aspects of my life. When I see couples together, that also triggers something in me. There is this momentary state of despair that pervades me. And then, it feels like looking at something you may never have.

I love fixing things. That gives me some sense of control, control over something, something I can make right, something I can make work again. It gives me a sense of fulfillment, and in that moment, its mine and no one can take that away from me. And I suppose this is why my depression is so pervasive, when I realize that my life is something I do not entirely have the handle on how to fix it.

In the end however, I am grateful for those moments when I am granted a reprieve. I am thankful for the time when the storm passes, when the cloud disperses, when I am enabled to return to my usual self, fun loving and happy with no care or worry in the world.

Written by Max

Next JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 35)

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  1. McGray
    April 18, 06:41 Reply

    I don’t really see how marrying a lady can become a nightmare. Who says pussy is not juicy and sweet?? As for having kids, dat’d be an honor!

    • kendigin
      April 18, 06:55 Reply

      Can there be any dumber response than this???

      • McGray
        April 18, 07:24 Reply

        Kendigin, My Lovely JustJames just proved u wrong. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Buhahahahahahahahahhrriririririririririririr. Lmao

      • kendigin
        April 18, 08:22 Reply

        Whats funny. Am sure u didnt even bother to read what justjames wrote.
        Its the opposite of what u saying

    • JustJames
      April 18, 06:55 Reply


      Of course pussy is juicy and sweet. That’s why men have messed themselves up running after it. Lol. This is the predicament of a GAY man, not a Bi or straight person. Marrying a lady is indeed torture for some people because it means they can’t be with the person (man) they want to be with. Contrary to popular belief some Nigerians want to settle down with a man in a nice suburban house with white picket fences and kids (or dogs as the case may be)

  2. Lemuel
    April 18, 06:48 Reply

    Awwww…Max Darling. Really touching story. Depression makes us better as soon as we snap out of it. It also makes us ambitious. Reminds us of the dangers of not being successful. Most creative ppl are said to be always depressed. U just poured out how I feel a lot of times. Nice write up

    • kendigin
      April 18, 06:56 Reply

      I guess you are confusing “depression” with “dissappointment”. Depression is a mental illness. How does a mental illness make you “better”???

      • Lemuel Beau
        April 18, 09:48 Reply

        Oya go cure am nah… I know its a mental illness as claimed to be but I know it makes us better after its continual battle. I have swarm in that depression ocean a lot times and I know what I am saying.

  3. #NativeSon
    April 18, 06:49 Reply

    “The curious case of Max”. The guy who we would like to think has it all, yet this piece says otherwise. I believe a lot of people have gone through what you are experiencing right now. All there is for u is to find a way to overcome your depression by trying to think positively about life and other people in general. You constantly say on this blog that “you don’t care what other people think of you” which I now doubt considering this is not fiction. As the saying goes….the heart can never be made of wood and thus is liable to be hurt. Hope u find your inner peace as a first step to a more fulfilled life.

    • pinkpanthertb
      April 18, 06:56 Reply

      Newbie’s comment packs a punch. 🙂
      Welcome Native Son.

    • Max
      April 18, 06:56 Reply

      Depression comes and goes… I’m not going through a “phase” of depression. Its something most people feel, but never talk about.

      • McGray
        April 18, 07:28 Reply

        Max i won find ur trouble. Seriously i support Nativeson. U always say here u dont care but actually u do, u say dat to hide that u care. No even try slitting my throat bcos i don already hide for ur bedroom and u cant c me. In ur voice Buhahahazhazhahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

    • Brian Collins
      April 19, 13:55 Reply

      Gbam, nativeson did right with this. I am glad he did not add any shade with this, atleast it didn’t seem like that to me and Max didn’t think so too. I can think of some others who would have.

  4. kendigin
    April 18, 06:54 Reply

    Sadly these are issues most gay people face. The available options seem quite extreme, but theres a third one people fail to see.
    You really dont have to get married. There are so many single people these days. Up until last year I battled with these thots (and I still do to some extent). I have realised that I have to decide whats best for me, not whats best for my family. Bcos family will not be there in the wee hours of the morning. So u have to be sure that marrying that lady is what u really want.

    Marriage is not only about love. And fleeing to a foreign country wont guarantee that you find someone to settle down with or to love.
    The best way out is to learn to live for yourself. Stop bothering yourself anbt what people will think about your choices, its your life not theirs. And above all do not be afraid to make mistakes. Its all part of living.

    • Max
      April 18, 07:00 Reply

      I only care about what “people I care about” think.. Others, not so much. But even then, I gotta do what’s best for me. Thanks btw

    • Khaleesi
      April 18, 08:56 Reply

      If you come from certain kinds of families and from certain areas of Nigeria, you MUST marry!! The alrernative you’ll be faced with is too bitter to contemplate. You’ll be made to wish that there was never even the faintest wish about thoughts of giving birth to you if you dare to go against the ‘norms and expectations’ … which is why i shall keep up my mantra for those who are from such backgrounds to pack and flee … God created a large green earth with lots of spots where you can have some semblance of peace and quiet …
      ***runs hand through hair in exasperation****

  5. JustJames
    April 18, 07:01 Reply

    I’ve been depressed a number of times and some of what you wrote up there was part of my experience. Depression is an irrational fear of the future. It makes you think of all that is wrong and all that could go wrong with your life instead if focusing on all that is right and could go right. Mine is usually short.. A night or a whole day. I feel better after comfort food or music. If yours appears chronic don’t hesitate to find someone to talk to.

    • Max
      April 18, 07:08 Reply

      Lol. Mine is short as well.. Sometimes an hour, tops..

      • muse
        May 26, 09:22 Reply

        If yours happens for just a day it isn’t depression. It is called being human! Now, I am not discounting your experience but depression is a psychiatric disorder and there’s a time frame of two weeks persistent negative mood. Low mood with some associated symptoms like insomnia, hypersomnia and sever cases suicidal ideation; thinking of dying, the means and how you’d carry it out. etc There’s a lesser known condition called dysthymia. My point is, comfort food and music doesn’t make depression better, medication does; antidepressants, prescribed by a psychiatrist. Sorry, just some info, depression is an abused word.

  6. Tony Odekunle-Brown
    April 18, 07:10 Reply

    I can totally relate with Max. In fact, I have my “dark cloud” moments a lot. I am just hopeful that things with sort itself out. Call it denial or whatever, it is how I get through.

  7. Diablo
    April 18, 07:25 Reply

    I figured this was written by max before I finished reading it. Now we know where all that bitterness and rage comes from. *Hugs*

    • McGray
      April 18, 08:07 Reply

      Diablo i no dey here oo. *sips tea, put on 3D spec and waits*

    • Teflondon
      April 18, 08:11 Reply

      Diablo.. You are my new Sinnex. We think alike.

      • pinkpanthertb
        April 18, 08:24 Reply

        *calling Sinnex to the on-call room* *calling Sinnex to the on-call room*

    • Gad
      April 18, 13:26 Reply

      Same here but in my own case I have always known that there is a story behind his acts. I call it his part 2

  8. Diablo
    April 18, 07:30 Reply

    Also, everyone gets depressed from time to time, but when the chips are down its abt not letting it get the best of u, doing ur best to make it as unapparent as possible and not taking it out on other ppl.

    • Teflondon
      April 18, 07:56 Reply

      Could uncontrollable bursts of rage.. At certain times be a certain type of depression? Cuz I easily lash out at it people unknowingly.. When I’m in that dark thinking mood. (Fear of the unknown and the what the future holds)

  9. Teflondon
    April 18, 08:10 Reply

    I’ll keep this short and simple..

    As I got reading.. My gut feeling told me it was Maxs piece. And correct was I. My gut feeling also told me that.. All the recent Chizzie-like act of Max on this blog was some kind promo for this piece of his. (Pun not intended) he wanted us to say ‘Oh No wonder Max as being like this’ ‘Oh I’m so sorry, this is what Max as been going? No wonder’
    Bloody hell I ain’t gonna fall for it. I still beleive your recent acts of cruelty (increased acts by the way) are fake and done intentionally.
    That said..
    I do identify with a lot posted up there, what’s discribe there is true. I do have feelings of depression at times and it’s not fun.
    But I won’t use that as an excuse to justify my cruelty towards others. I decided to Something about my depression albiet not much..
    Visiting KD is one of my ways of fighting depression. As it prevents me from going into that state of dark thinking.
    Playing Video games with Frnd’s is another way I deal with it.
    Watching Football is another way. Etc
    And it as being real helpful. It doesn’t totallly remove the feelings but it atleast reduces it.
    I’ll suggest also.. That people with depression (no matter the level) can also share with us (asides seeking professional help) how they deal with it.. It should help one or two persons.

    • pinkpanthertb
      April 18, 08:22 Reply

      Quick question, TEF. So because you had to bug me for your piece, which did the job of creating buzz for the story, you feel everyone has to do the same? Do you know how long this piece has been resting in the archives waiting to be published? Not everyone is impatient enough to keep hassling me to publish their stories. Some people actually just wait.
      Where am I going with this? The second part of your comment is THE comment. I wish you’d stuck to that. But leading with ‘Max this Max that’ is exactly the kind of attack that makes him go after you. And when he does, everyone will go ‘Oh he’s so bitter and angry’ sometimes forgetting that he was provoked.
      Sometimes, actually just sharing your thoughts without inciting the next person is the way to promote this peace we keep harping about.
      But hey! Don’t listen to me. After all, I’m just that admin that likes to show favoritism, right? 🙂

      • kendigin
        April 18, 08:26 Reply

        @pinkpanther a billion likes for your comment. You took the words out of my mouth. Pointing fingers doesnt help at all

      • Teflondon
        April 18, 09:44 Reply

        Haven said this…
        I’m not sorry for what I said.

        • pinkpanthertb
          April 18, 10:05 Reply

          I didn’t think you’d be sorry. Perpetual attention seekers are never sorry for the tactics they use to seek attention.

      • Teflondon
        April 18, 13:04 Reply

        Attention seeking don’t pay bills pinky.. Understand that!

    • Khaleesi
      April 18, 09:04 Reply

      Abeg fuck protocol!!! TefLondon, you’re a lowlife worm for that comment, all the weird crap thats rolling around in your head has just beem captured in that comment. The world doesnt revolve around you, not everyone has an agenda of currying favour with you! Your deluded sense of self importance has reached disturbing levels! No offence meant but i dont care if any is taken, you need to seek help somewhere and fast b4 you go into full meltdown mode!!! I’d pity you, but nah nigga you don’t deserve that. Its twisted worms like you that see the world only in hues of black and flavours of vitriol! Nothing anyone does or says is good or altruistic b4 you … abeg its too early in the day to waste so much emotion on such a monument of all that’s wrong within and beyond the gaybourhood … bye bitch!!!

      • Mandy
        April 18, 09:20 Reply

        *facepalm* Khaleesi, that really wasn’t necessary. PP already had the issue handled.
        Lol. Finally o, when the Lipstick Gang (thanks, Mcardry, the moniker is catchy) comes out in defense of their own, it’s with guns blazing.

      • trystham
        April 18, 10:21 Reply

        You really av bin busy researching ways to suicide. I wonder what has stopped u all this while?

      • Max
        April 18, 10:25 Reply

        I decided to keep mute to your bickering, but its gotten out of hand. Apparently, the big head full hair on your body is just for show, as it doesnt seem to serve ant other purpose. How dare you talk of suicide? How dare you make a mockery of it? I’d have asked if you’re mad or messed up in the head, but we already know the answer.
        I stopped replying you because of the pity I felt for you, apparently you dont deserve it.
        You must have considered suicide in your life at some point, seeing your shadow alone weighs like hundred pounds and you need a D cup bra to keep your tits in. How dare you dirty flabby arrogant condescending son of a bitch open your shitty pie hole yo utter such rubbish!!!.. I’d tie you up and beat you with a bat if I have to, but I wouldn’t wanna mess up my neatly manicured hands.
        Clearly you come here for one thing and one thing alone, to show your idiocy in the highest level.
        Surely the money spent on you for that private uni was a total waste of time, it could’ve been used in doing something more meaningful like raising a dog, or a cat.
        You took a break from your daily routine of eating a baby rhino to spew such trash and make mockery of suicide..
        Sometimes I wonder if you were born or you just fell out of a pit toilet and your parents did a Favour of tolerating your nasty ass.
        If you ever write write such again about suicide, you’ll see what’ll happen.

      • Mandy
        April 18, 10:26 Reply

        Misery loves company, trystham. Teflondon’s been probably looking for who’ll go on the suicide journey with him. Clearly he thinks he’s found them in Khaleesi n Max. Lol

      • trystham
        April 18, 11:46 Reply

        Lol. Mandy ehn, I just taya for this mata

        Lwkmd @ ‘D-cup’ bra. I died oooo

      • trystham
        April 18, 12:05 Reply

        Ero pese. Olukoso ma binu *sprinkles water on Max and watches as it steams*

      • Brian Collins
        April 19, 14:03 Reply

        Mandy, maybe Tef will buy you a car with his dad’s money he keeps talking about so you can park well and take many seats. That little shit deserves everything that comes to him here. He doesn’t deserve kindness or gentleness whatsoever. He is full of plenty shiiiìiiiiii and all he does is stink up KD with it.

    • Mitch
      April 18, 12:35 Reply

      Quick question Tef. Are you just insensitive or a plain, arrogant and downright condescending bitch? How dare you? You think suicide is a joke? You think if angels like PP didn’t exist, folks like me would be alive, huh? Honestly if you’ve never been in that situation, don’t open that sewage tank you call a mouth to spew rubbish! Calling you mad would be an insult to mad people in the world. Khote!

  10. justme
    April 18, 08:32 Reply

    its really a terrible fin……I can relate wit thing u wrote Max,…I pray we find d inner strength to push thru no matter wat

  11. Khaleesi
    April 18, 08:51 Reply

    Depression and loneliness – i have from childhood learned to recognise their footsteps from afar, I have learned to welcome and entertain them for as long as they will hang around. Eventually they depart but i know they will be back sooner than later. The smallest thing can send them hurrying back from whence they came.
    Story of my life and i feel it’s the same for most men who from a very early age realise that they are different somehow. I cant proffer any solutions to it especially considering the type of society in which we are fortunate/unfortunate to be born in, all i can say is remain strong, focus on the sooooooo many amazing and positive things about and around you, remain hopeful that in the end you’ll triumph – after all you’ve made it this far! Above all insist on your right to as much as possible be who you were created to be – no one has a right to take that away from you…
    ***hugs brother****

  12. Ace
    April 18, 08:51 Reply

    Dear Max, I don’t know if many people can relate with what you’ve just written but I definitely do. There are times I just coil into my dark shell of isolation not because I want to; it just seems to provide the comfort I need at that moment. It is OK to think about your future but the problem begins if that future starts to disturb your present. Just hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Kill all negative thoughts with positive.

    Many times when such thoughts comes in, I just think of my future as a successful person or simply imagine having a bed wrecking sex with David McIntosh.

  13. trystham
    April 18, 09:59 Reply

    My darkest moments were those times of idleness. Pain I didn’t know existed…even pain that wasn’t mine. I was more receptive and my powerlessness made all the more evident. Still, the light of friends and occupation…

  14. Gad
    April 18, 10:32 Reply

    #shakes head slowly # I said there is a part 2. Here it is at last. “When I see a couple together,it triggers something in me.I feel like staring at something I will never have” No wonder! ka m sinu. No smoke without fire. Well, let me reserve my comments at least for now.

    • trystham
      April 18, 11:07 Reply

      How can someone be so old and so you? He sees a couple and automatically wants a wife? Geez!!!

    • Mitch
      April 18, 12:44 Reply

      Gad, please don’t do that. This is a serious issue. Trying to strike out doesn’t help. I know because I’ve been there. Please, either take the high road or show some care.

    • Khaleesi
      April 18, 12:45 Reply

      @Gad, you always talk about how increase in age demands an increase in respect as it also imports an increase in wisdom, but with the above comment, you’ve turned all that upside down and inside out … i’ll leave you to try to get that into your brilliant yet thick skull and wont say more, – for now, lest you accuse me of being “UnAfrican”

      • trystham
        April 18, 14:17 Reply

        Azzin ehn. Its so bad now, Gad is now synonymous with that Rivers REC officer in my mind. No matter how much illumination is beamed in on him, he cannot see sense. Hopeless

  15. Immanuel MCpenis
    April 18, 11:07 Reply

    Every word of this was relatable. I struggle with depression too but I have never been able to fully pen down how I feel. you did that exactly. thank you.

    • Max
      April 18, 11:45 Reply

      First time commenter.. Welcome.

    • Gad
      April 18, 12:42 Reply

      Do you also feel so bitter and insecure to the point that you attack people and things both abstract and real and for reasons you don’t even know? #asking to see if there is a difference after all#

  16. Chris
    April 18, 11:37 Reply

    I believe every human being goes through bout of depression occasinally or for some it becomes chronic.
    It helps being able to recognise the symptoms and have coping mechanisms to deal with it.
    It is not fair to make people around one( the depressed) be the scapegoat of of one’s illlness because Depression is an illness. People around a depressed person can include immediate or extended family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even carer of the depressed person.

  17. simba
    April 18, 11:39 Reply

    Hello Max dear,
    I hope we all can stop bickering and learn when to recognise a cry for help.. learn how to give a lending hand, a hug and a warm milk. Dear max…. I totally understood u, cus I ve been there, it was a long dark tunnel. I actually saw shrink and I was grateful I did.. Max dear, u can have anything u set up ur heart to have. All ur desires can come through with more work,hope and right person.. I ll advice u find love, somebody who can be ur rock,and who can pull u when ur going down
    Also, if ur clinically diagnosed there are drugs and therapy for depression, pls consider professional help,cus life is but once..
    Teflondon, am sure u were joking, by sending tht link, but this is a blog, where smitten and hurt people visit….

    • Gad
      April 18, 12:57 Reply

      Simba, you seem to be a good example of one who allowed God to turn his negative situations to positives. That’s worthy of emulation. Hello Max. A defeated victim of depression is not really different from a crazy person. People around him should ignore his attacks and focus on the fact that he needs help,love,care,and understanding. Maybe the Admin knows this. This explains the free hand given the depressed to abuse and attack. Now that we know, I urge all of us to forgive dear Max,show him kindness and tolerant-understanding at all times no matter how provoked. Its not easy but God will give us the grace to help a brother

      • Max
        April 18, 13:09 Reply

        Agbaya, will you just shut it.. Simba wasn’t talking to you
        Don’t you have fatherly duties to take care of this Saturday?

      • Teflondon
        April 18, 13:13 Reply

        Lmao!!! Gad.. I’m willingly to help someone in need tho* but they first have to accept they got problems.

        • Gad
          April 18, 14:21 Reply

          Tef pls stop. Mad people hardly know their mental state

      • Chris
        April 18, 13:51 Reply

        @ Gad… are a slow poison, the the kind i feared most:)
        I can see you give as much as you get. You hold your corner really tight.

      • Chris
        April 18, 13:56 Reply

        @ Gad, you are subtly informing folks up here that no one owns the monopoly to madness.
        Now i agree with the saying, that the talkatives should always be aware of the listeners.

      • trystham
        April 18, 14:20 Reply

        Oponu agba. Seems u r very warm n snug in the idiocy that characterizes ur irritating existence. Better knowing one is depressed and appreciating moments of happiness than be an old fool. You couldn’t know wisdom if you and her rode an elevator of sense and she slapped u in the face. She cries at the waste your deceptive lying life is. Have I said you are disgusting? UGH! You ARE disgusting.
        Its the lapdog flyabout that I pity worse. If the adult fool can’t sit and think, shouldn’t the one behind reconsider actions? Dumb and Dumber

        • Gad
          April 18, 15:02 Reply

          A son is usually the mirror through which his father is seen.

      • Teflondon
        April 18, 15:24 Reply

        Lmao!!! Keep preaching Gad the gospel truth.. I’ll love to join this ministry of yours.. That not only speaks facts but also the truth.

      • trystham
        April 18, 17:03 Reply

        Looool. Whoa really? I expect u’d b close to brain dead soon. Yours musta bin d village idiot

  18. sinnex
    April 18, 12:04 Reply


    I just knew this would be from Max.

    It’s all coming back to me now.

    I guess I have always been right.

    I hope you find a cure for your mental illness before you drag others to that dark place of yours.

    You have made me say things I never knew I’d be able to say to anyone, not even to my worse enemy. If I had seen this post earlier, I wouldn’t have bothered replying most of your rantings.

    • Max
      April 18, 13:14 Reply

      Oh please save me the “I knew it” phrase. Tell me you’ve never been depressed.
      Even after you got fooled and duped by a smarter dude, no?

  19. Oluwadamilare Okoro
    April 18, 12:29 Reply

    … and some people went “no wonder”.
    Sigh. Just sigh.

    I can bet over 90% of us has been there, done that or still doing….

    I just hope it doesn’t consume anyone. It’s real.

  20. Peak
    April 18, 13:14 Reply


    Where do I begin?
    Its a totally different world of its own. Its like waking up in dark strange planet and u are the only inhabitant. You are always weak and alone. Ur favorite food, music, people, book etc just lose its appeal. In sever case, you lose interest in things that once brought you joy. Yes fear of the future is a major factor (I get depressed at every birthdays). Seeking validation from a loved one and not getting it no matter how hard you try in another. Having a monotonous lifestyle, A break up or just the fear or feeling of being alone can all trigger a depressive state.

    It saddens me that some commenters dont know when to draw the line when a sensitive subject is being discussed. Depression is no joke. Its a very sad and strong feeling, and depending on what might trigger it, you are most likely going to ve suicidal thoughts. It doesn’t only attack ur mental health. It equally affects ur physical health. Loss of appetite, reluctant to take a show or clean up, you can develop a fever (depending on the individual), weakness. The sad part is that you know u are unwell but nothing seems to work, its not something you cure, its not something you wish away, you can only manage it. You find ppl sitting in the dark and crying cos they want to be better but they cant get better until the staye has run its course. Its like a virus, it has no cure. It just lifts after it has ran its course.

    It affects ur job/education, ur sex drive, ur sex life and ur relationships in general. Contrary to the above comment. Max does not lash out cos he is depressed. Most depressed ppl would likely withdraw from the general population, communicate less. This is more geared towards trying to save their relationships than ruining them. You are not in the mood 4 company and ve a high tendency of getting riled up, so what better way do you save everybody the ununnecessary altercation than to cut ppl off. Relationship suffer cos u are not in the mood or state of mind to give love cos if you could, you would give it to urself. They cant accept love either cos everything sounds like a rehearsed speech to maake them feel better.
    I could go on and on about depression and how it can wrevk ur life its left on checked. The above is just what a regular depressed individual goes through, imagine if the victim is gay and constantly ve to prove themselves and forever fight 4 acceptance?? So yes this is no joke, this is not about max, there is someone out there reading ur comment whose name isnt Max. Imagine how he would be feeling reading how you all are making light of a serious,sensitive and difficult state of mind.

    • Chris
      April 18, 14:07 Reply

      I personall will never make light the issue of Depression, it is a serious mental health illness.
      However i will be objective, emphatic but still put the issue in perspective.
      Everybody have a story to tell.

    • Khaleesi
      April 18, 14:17 Reply

      @Peak, ***thunderous applause***
      @Teflondon & Sinnex, **withering scornful stare full of disgust & contempt**** all you low-life, loser worms along with your ‘5 steps away from severe dementia’ Matriarch should make the very supreme effort to understand that not every post or every comment is designed to score cheap points, many people on here still come for purposes of sharing and deriving strength. The sick theatrics are firmly in your territory – please keep them there!! Y’all and your Matriarch!!

    • Mitch
      April 18, 14:30 Reply

      Thank you Peak. This simply expresses all that depression is about. We don’t lash out because we are depressed. We do so because we are angry. To TeamConstantlyFoolish, read and learn, that is if you still have the capacity to.

      • Max
        April 18, 14:35 Reply

        Lmao @ Mitch… #TeamConstantlyFoolish.. quite catchy.

    • Peak
      April 18, 15:30 Reply

      @Gad there is no cure for depression (as far as I know) exercise tends to work 4 me. I cant afford to do that all the time, but when I can, I would go 4 a run. U wear urself out both physically and mentally. Mentally because you push urself to finish a particular course or distant. By the time u are done, you are too tired to end up being in good shape and feel all round good about your self. Surround yourself with GOOD friends. Ppl who understand what you are going through well enough not to get offended when u are too distant but won’t treat you like u are suffering from liver failure and ve to prance around you with concern. Go out more (that part I still find hard to do though) seeing ppl having fun and living their life is most likely going to help speed up ur recovery ( this is the part where the GOOD friends come in) go to the beach, a bar. The club. A show, a concert (music works wonders) whatever you do dont allow urself to be caught alone. Most importantly get professional help (if you can afford one……..I think sensei comes in here cos a lot of us dont know how to access care when it comes to mental and emotional health) thats all I know I’m equally open to more solution and coping mechanisms. Its not an easy job, you struggle with it everyday. You thank God everytime you make it through a day and hope you wake up in good condition cos there is no telling in what state of mind you would wake up in. Mine can last from a period of 2 weeks to a max of 3months but im all good. Its not as crazy as it use to be when I stopped living in denial and make an attempt to embrace myself.

      • Gad
        April 18, 19:09 Reply

        Thanks Peak. Have you considered trying to purge your thoughts of bitter feelings and replacing them with pleasant memories, forgiving all who offends you, being rejoicing with those who are celebrating one thing or the other. Giving a helping hand to people on the lower rung of the ladder,etc. There are times I stop to give a hand to people whose cars parked up in the traffic especially ladies. Give cab drivers tips from time to time. When your mechanic delivers your car,give him refreshments. These acts brings a well-spring of joy to one’s soul and goes a long way to lighten up the spirit. Finally, for the christian, Psalm 23 is the best antidote for emotional breakdown. Recite it or chant it if you can.

      • MacArdry
        April 18, 19:40 Reply

        Having good friends around…… wonders,especially that ONE good friend.His strength is made manifest in our weakness,you know

        • Gad
          April 18, 20:15 Reply

          Yea sure but that’s if we let Him. He is our peace

      • Chris
        April 18, 22:42 Reply

        Yes He is our peace, Psalm 27 comes to my mind.

  21. simba
    April 18, 13:44 Reply

    Gad, pls dear, I dint mean what u said.. did u read my comment? And clinically there is nothing like defeated by depression.. pls guys, lets all go take some chill pills..

    • Gad
      April 18, 14:39 Reply

      I was not paraphrasing you neither did I submit that clinically there is something like defeated by depression. It was my coinage for a situation where one allows depression to take the better part of him. @ Peak, what do you think is the solution to depression going by the scary and hopeless picture you painted.

  22. Chris
    April 18, 14:14 Reply

    There are people sadly suffering with chronic depression, it is up to the individual to want to overcome it, and partly their role to want to and help to, overcome it.

    • Gad
      April 18, 14:45 Reply

      So there is hope after all? Thanks Chris. The bottom line is that the cure is in the hands of the patient

  23. s_sensei
    April 18, 14:18 Reply

    Max, thanks for sharing your experience with depression. I believe you have everything it takes to be successful and be happy in life. It is well, bro. *hugz*

    On a general note, the degree of insensitivity and cruelty that shows up in the comment section of KD is becoming alarming. Why have we allowed ourselves to degenerate to this level? For pete’s sake tell me what you lose if you are kind and considerate? What is this thing that we desperately need to get or protect that we stoop so low and dig so deep to bring up the most vile, vitriolic words we can come up with? This simply can’t continue!

    • Colossus
      April 18, 15:22 Reply

      Oh I agree, I strongly agree. I did not read this before I posted my comment but it sure seems apt that they follow each other. Please guys, enough of this. I keep wondering how we want acceptance when we can’t accept each other.

    • A-non
      April 18, 15:30 Reply

      Can’t agree less Sensei…it has unconsciously made me start withdrawing from this blog. it’s not something I wake up first thing in the morning and want to read.

      I used to be a fountain of hope, but now seems to be……

    • Pete
      April 18, 19:34 Reply

      For pete’s sake tell me what you lose if you are kind and considerate?

      s_sensei, kedu ihe m mere?

  24. s_sensei
    April 18, 14:23 Reply

    And please one has to be depressed for at least two weeks to be diagnosed with “clinical depression” that’s a medical disorder. Brief episodes lasting an hour for example, are not depression (medically speaking).
    I’m still in shock at how cruel we can be to one another. Please tell me why the world shdnt be cruel to you?

  25. Colossus
    April 18, 15:15 Reply

    I read this piece in the morning and I was glad it was written. Now I’m back and some comments are just plain uncalled for considering how sensitive the topic off depression is.
    To the people, the silent readers going through feelings they don’t even understand, when it seems like you can’t breathe, when you just want to be locked up in your room and let the world get on with their lives, please know you are not alone. Here is a frequent commenter, Max, telling you that you are not alone. Please be strong and know you’ll pull through, maybe not permanently but at least the bouts would come and go.
    Pay no heed to the talk of suicide, for or against, ignore and focus on the positive. You are here, you are alive, you have friends, there are people who actually care for you so please ignore the I’ll advised talk of suicide.
    Now to those who have come against the author of this piece, seriously? C’mon guys, you should know better. Yes i know max has not really been a saint but ignore the messenger and focus on the message. Depression is a serious issue and when we come to the comments section and start thrashing each other, what message are we sending to those readers having a hard time trying to overcome theirs? You should be stating your experience while sharing a little empathy. Disagreements might arise but let it be civil for crying out loud.

  26. Deola
    April 18, 16:13 Reply

    These comments make me sick, and they are written all in the name of scoring internet points. Y’all really should check yo’selves.
    Do you guys ever check what you type before hitting post comment???
    Werrin come be the difference between what was written here today and what is found on Linda Ikeji or Nairaland. Shameful stuff.

  27. Pharaoh
    April 18, 17:18 Reply

    If I didn’t know “max” I’d say y’all be hating on the poor BOY.. But I guess his personality makeup is wearing off .. Hehehehe …. Akuko maka ndi were efe nzuzu … #gofigure

  28. Diablo
    April 18, 18:19 Reply

    All I saw were insults hurled in all directions and it is really shameful. Not to be dragged into all the mess but Max, I don’t really know u and ive only started commenting recently but ive observed from the sidelines for awhile. What went wrong? Your comments used to be so brilliant and articulate,and well expressed but now this side of you is very hideous. It reeks of so much bitterness and hurt, and its so unattractive. Yes, granted the notorious Chizzie was a pain but atleast he was a class act, and his bitcheyness was done with taste. Yours on the other had seems more a cry for help. if your friends cannot call you to order, then they aren’t genuine friends.

    Whatever you are going through, pls do not let it get the best of you,and do not let it damage you. I hope u seek the required help if need be and I hope u revert back to the old Max. The one that was cool and nice, the real you

    • Max
      April 18, 19:06 Reply

      Quite ironic init? You chose a classy name of an exotic car for such a cheap personality like yours. I told you people I’m not going to go through this Chizzie comparison again and I won’t.
      You were so blind or ignorant that you didn’t see the insensitive comments made by people who see themselves as smart. And when I reply, I’m called a vitriolitic person.
      There’s no old and new Max. Max is Max, you can either like it or not.
      The people writing the insensitive stuff are the ones who need to get their heads checked, not me.

      • Diablo
        April 18, 19:30 Reply

        urh Diablo is Spanish for dev- nvm , carry on, let the public show of shame rage on.

      • MacArdry
        April 18, 19:54 Reply

        Diablo is Spanish for the devil.That’s where such term as diabolic comes from,you know.
        Truly,you need some sort of help,maybe from your inner man,if you can’t tell the difference between an advice given in good faith and an attack.

      • MacArdry
        April 18, 20:00 Reply

        The irony,you don’t know what the name mean or where it came from,yet you would use it to attack @Diablo.
        Talk about classy and cheap

      • Max
        April 18, 20:16 Reply

        I was talking about the car, not the meaning of the name itself. Smart Mcardry/Diablo. It’s funny how smarty pants like you two haven’t sat your busy body asses down one day and pen down a readable piece on this blog. What you do is sit and wait like cowards in the dark, waiting for who to pass judgment on and not really learn anything that could help your bigot asses.
        Know the intent of a comment before trying to dish out supposed smart rejoinders.
        I dare you two to write a readable piece here.

      • MacArdry
        April 18, 20:36 Reply

        You don’t fail to disappoint,Max.I did say last I replied your comment ere today that you are one to be pitied and without prompting from anyone you keep bearing that out day by day.
        As to your childish challenge,maybe you should enquire of a few of your cohorts who the character behind the MacArdry moniker really is.
        This platform started out with a lot of promise,but thanks to characters such as you it’s derailed.A real pity that.

      • Max
        April 18, 21:54 Reply

        The feeling is mutual.

  29. #NativeSon
    April 18, 18:57 Reply

    Consider other people foolish or insensitive, but payback can really be a bitch sometimes. We all know there are various categories of people on this blog and some are here for the education whilst some are here for the drama. Everyone can and will fit into a particular category even if it is a hybrid of the two. However given a post like this, I for one is not surprised to see someone like #Gad who has consistently ignored #Max on this blog day in and out finally say something that sounds like ‘’I now know where this all came from’’. He may be wrong and he may not be wrong but at the end of the day he is entitled to his opinion.

    It is sheer hypocrisy to see people calling him out on this particular article merely for articulating what he feels, which I believe is pure disgust for Max. Yes he should have taken the ‘’high road’’ but given the fact that this man who suffers abuse from Max on a daily basis on himself and his family and to my knowledge has never retaliated finally jumps up and say ‘’yes I knew I was dealing with a nutcase’’ is plain wrong.

    We all understand the meaning and consequence of depression and for what I’ve witnessed here, a lot of you will eventually settle down exactly the same way as Gad.

    The drama can be fun sometimes but I believe there are times when we need to call a spade a spade. And as someone said having depression that lasts up to an hour can hardly be called mental and if Max continues to exhibits the kind of attitude he has shown to people he does not favor without taking the ‘high road’ that is considered as pure rudeness and has nothing to do with depression.

    What is clear here is the attitude or the lack thereof and it is that little thing that makes a very big difference. Sometimes all we need to do is keep calm and say #ByeFelisia.

  30. Pharoah
    April 18, 19:17 Reply

    Wouldn’t be surprised if my comment is not posted …

  31. Teflondon
    April 18, 19:24 Reply

    When I said.. The recent Max wasn’t the real Max.. He has been overtly vicious of late.. The admin came after me saying all sorts. Instead of calling his frnd to order.. Openly if need be. Whether done intentionally or it’s just a cry for help.. Whatever Max is on.. Is sad. And even to be allowed to carry on for this long.. By his so-called “friends” is more sad.
    Let me just say this right now.. I do not care What anyone thinks of me on this blog.. People that really know me… The real me. Know how swt a person I can be.
    I just wanted to prove a point to Max and his Cohorts.. Even the admin. That I cannot be bullied away from here… Just because I have decided to be different with my opinions.. Because clearly this was how it all strted. Attacking people that seems to see things differently.. Is wrong. There are ways you go about things without demeaning someone. I noticed how Lord II, Gad and co were constantly bashed just cause they think differently.. I Tot to do something about it. It’s sad things had to get to this level.. Call it childish but I’m not sorry.. PP needs to call his ‘lip-stick gang’ to order for the prosperity of the blog. Yall created a demon in me by your vicious ways of not wanting to give other people a chance to express themselves aside your ways..
    I remember when I started commenting here, and treats where made to me that.. They will do this and that.. And I’ll run away from the blog. Well.. I told them no one can break me.. Bcuz my heart is made of ponmi.. They tot I was joking. Here I am standing.
    Haven said all this..
    I’m Glad I have made my point.. That no one can bully me off here. I have heard the pleas of sensie and colossus.. I’ll stop being shady.. But I’ll advise the admin to caution his people.. If anyone comes after me.. Without any moral justification. I’ll not hesitate to go back to my old self.. I was touched by what A-non said, I won’t want to play a part in doing things that would Hurt the blog in anyway. So I’ll stop whatever it is that annoys people so much. But this goes both ways. I know what I wrote here is very unnecessary and I don’t expect to get any awards for it.. But I tot to pour out my mind.. On this issue.. After several pleas.
    ‘Let the sleeping dog lie’

    • Max
      April 18, 20:11 Reply

      You’re right about one thing.. You have a “thick skin”, literally, which I advice you to do something about. You were a devil even before you started commenting here, no one made a devil out of you. I’ll keep calling you to order when you spew trash like you always do, Thats never going to stop. You’re a low down dirty SOAB. No matter how you try to find behind the ” sweet guy” charade, it’ll always show.
      Go back to your old/new ways, it won’t be anything new and it won’t matter. It’ll just be a sad lonely baby rhino crying for help and being an attention whore.

    • trystham
      April 18, 20:13 Reply

      *scoff* PUHLEEEEEASE! Darling, u couldn’t cast a shade if you had a torch in a pitch black cave. You are that dim.
      Nobody needs a moral justification to come after u. Just keep being at pseudo-classy and super-stupid with ur ‘expression’. VOILA!!! My word; When ponmo enter CORRECT hot water, e go cook, e go soft. Abrasion??? Look it up. Until I see you have learned to stop being demeaning, I WILL stop. Seems it will be a very cold day in hell when that happens.

  32. MacArdry
    April 18, 20:05 Reply

    @Mandy,it’s Lickspittle Gang not Lipstick.Do get the name right.

    • Max
      April 18, 21:58 Reply

      We got one for you too

  33. iamcoy
    April 19, 05:01 Reply

    When I set out reading this, I had no idea who wrote it. When I reached the end and saw it was max, I knew it will garner so much comments because folks won’t want to stay on the issue but turn it into a personality attack. I am sure if it were justjames, rapuum or vhar at d end we would have not derailed so much.
    my point is pls pinky for sensitive topics such as this can we omit the writer’s name with permission for the sake of neutral/silent commenters? Because its sickening why anyone would drop a link on how to commit suicide on a progressive blog.
    Max I have never addressed you before but I will do this once, when you disagree with folks here based on sentiments expressed I have no issue with it, but times there are you have come uninvited to be adjudicator and you do it with so much bile which is distasteful. Truth be told, I have been on this blog long enough to know there was an old max and the new max is nothing like the former.
    Depression is not a joke and should not be watered down to ‘oh I knew it was you….’, sinnex and Teflon you guys should call yourselves to order especially the latter.
    Gad sir….

    • Gad
      April 19, 05:22 Reply

      Iamcoy, good morning. See you guys at noon. Have a swell sunday.

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