JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 40)
June 20
You know how some people say the dumbest shit and it leaves you feeling so disheartened about the fate of the human race if people like that exist… Well, I’ve experienced it quite lately from different people. Like the girl that knows of my sexuality but still uses it as an insult on guys, even though she swears she accepts me for who I am…or my classmate who was taking panadol for Caitlyn Jenner’s headache…or the guy who thinks a Versatile guy is a closet bottom 99% of the time.
Let’s see… If a person is Bottom and Bottom alone, you could say he’s quite incapable mentally of being Top, and even if he does, he doesn’t enjoy it. A Top would rather not get fucked too, because he wouldn’t enjoy it. He could just think he won’t enjoy it, or he’s tried and tested it and found out he doesn’t like it at all, and then sticks to being Top. Either way, he’s doing what he enjoys the most.
Now I think I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Hardly would you find a Bottom who knows without a shadow of doubt that he’s Bottom claim to be Versatile or Top. In a gathering of gay people, they will wave their bottom flags anywhere and anytime, because that’s what they enjoy and are good at, and they know it. I’ll be quick to believe when a guy says he’s Bottom and when he says he’s Versatile, than when he says he’s Top. I’ve had too many dealings with Tops that, with a little probing (metaphorically and literally), became Versatile. I’d like to believe most of the gay population is Versatile; just that they lean to a role more than the other. Almost like sexual orientation being a spectrum.
I think that when it comes to roles, people are only willing to get down as a particular role depending on the other person. What I mean is that a ‘Top’ can become Versatile when they can see themselves being topped by the other person. But if they can’t see themselves being fucked by the other person, they maintain their ‘topness’.
I’m guilty of the above, lying about my role just so I could ensure I got into someone’s pants in a role I felt comfortable being with the person. It’s a habit I have however curbed. I’d tell whoever it is straight up that I’m Versatile, but I want to fuck him, not the other way around. Some leave, some revoke their ‘Top’ status, and many times, a flip-flop session is put in order.
The only thing that constantly pisses me off is when a person lies after I’ve being honest with them. I’d say I’m Versatile, and they’d say they’re Top – Strictly Top – only to find out from a friend of a friend that they shagged and had a flip-flop or that the person played Bottom. I won’t be mad because I’d feel like I’m the bottom (pun intended) of some imaginary food chain. I’d be mad because my honesty wasn’t reciprocated. Heaven help the liar if his bedmatics are whack…
On second thoughts however, the person lying about his role could also be doing so because he’s like some of the people who think 99% of Versatile guys are bottom. Ah well, you have to deal with all manners of human beings.
*
Apparently my journal has turned into more of a rant than actual happenings in my life (though I’d like to think my thoughts on matters are actual happenings in my life).
I think the reason for that is that there isn’t much happening in my life and I quite frankly like to live in my head and play with my thoughts and question things that have been continually accepted without even knowing why they are.
Besides my weeks are full of tests and late night studying (my sleep pattern is messed up right now) with 7am-till-5pm classes, and I’m pretty sure y’all don’t want to hear about pathologies of the liver and how sometimes a twin female cow can get male organs (talk about identity crisis in animals, lol).
But I’m sure I could rustle up something for your entertainment. Note: These are not figments of my imagination. You’ll see sha, it’s pretty drab and boring.
*
I hang out with these three girls in class. And as is bound to happen sometimes when I hang out with girls long enough, I started to crush on each of them at different times.
First is Joan who’s tall and slender and witty with a dark aura. She can be pretty violent. I even asked her out a few times and she said she can’t date a classmate.
Then there is Debby-boo who is one of the vines people I know. One time she took a picture and I stood behind her – quite close, if I may add – and made a funny face. She showed her friends the picture and they burst out laughing, and she couldn’t see what was making them laugh and thought it was something wrong with her appearance, which only made them laugh louder. They had to point me out standing behind her before she realised what the fuss was about.
She’s not exactly prim and proper, but I can tell she finds my childish and playful behaviour very odd and doesn’t get most of the jokes I make. Many times she looks at me with the corners of her mouth turned down in distaste at my recent antic that’s the object of her displeasure; I don’t really care. But she’s quite busy and has ass.
Then there is Mother (Lol, not my mum). I’m just calling her Mother for the sake of the blog. She isn’t exactly mothering, until she starts to scold the hell out of you for missing a class or sound something unreasonable.
She’s the current object of my transient obsession – fair skin, full lips, honey-brown eyes and a beauty mark. She’s skinny and she seems soft, like a chalk pastel painting. But one time a guy sort of kissed her neck in class, she hit him really, really hard, saying how her body is the temple of God and that there are tramps everywhere he could play those games with. She’s a Christian, a staunch one. Not the ‘Deeper Life, I won’t talk about sex or say dirty words’ kind of staunch; but the ‘having morals and principles and trying her best to follow the bible’ kind of staunch. I think the admiration I had for her turned into a mild crush when I saw her beat on the boy.
But like I said! They are all transient. I’m totally over Joan and Debbie now… Lol
One time, they were going through a device of mine when they saw a picture of a guy that was the object of my affection then. They saw loads of it, and Joan, who’s ever-so outspoken, asked if that was my boyfriend. I squinted at her and gave her the middle finger with both my hands. That was the best I could come up with because the question took me a bit by surprise. I’m not saying I’ve always thought I blended in quite well as a straight dude, but I just wasn’t prepared for that type of question. Besides if you’re close to me and well-learned in all things worldly, and you don’t suspect I’m gay, then your gaydar is broken beyond repair.
They however saw pictures of me kissing a girl as a dare, and I’m not sure, but I think their demeanour toward me changed. They became a bit more guarded. One said she’s used to think I was harmless. Debby-boo, I think. Lol.
I wouldn’t say I’m harmless. Given the right condition, like a nice buzz going on and a few days of no wanking, I’d fuck any good-looking human being. I haven’t been able to carry that out yet, so it’s still a theory. Lol.
*
There’s another classmate of mine – a dude. He’s an interesting fellow. One day I was walking with a girl he is quite close to towards our lecture room, when I decided to tease her about him and her dating. Okay, okay, I wanted to do amebo.
She said – and I quote – “That one that is quarter to female.”
Now I’ve never seen the guy as effeminate. But he is quite troublesome and I’ve heard on more than one occasion people telling him to quit acting like a woman. It must be a behaviour thing because he doesn’t sway his hip or twirl hands. Thank goodness he doesn’t do that, because he’s quite short and stocky; it would look like a tomboy tryna act girly. Lol
Anyway, one day I was with him at a place we photocopied stuff, and as we were waiting to receive copies of some notes, he started to go though my phone. I was on edge about it, but I always am on edge when people are with my phone even when it’s clean. I told myself to relax. I’d locked all the important apps and my porn collection was in the Knox folder, safe from the public eye. And I’d erased my browsing history to prevent KD from showing up.
He swiped and checked my music out… Played a game of Candy Crush… Got bored… Tried my BBM… It didn’t open. Then he spotted my Facebook Messenger had one unread message, and before I could grab my phone, he had opened it, glanced for a second and a half at it, and returned the phone to me.
Gosh! I had about 3 unread messages from different guys, two of them using the terms of endearment “dear” and “love”.
His demeanour toward me changed subtly after that. He seemed to become a bit friendlier. And my suspicions seem to be almost confirmed. He’s most likely very bi, because he has a girlfriend and all that. I’m just seeing where things lead us. I highly doubt it would make us very good friends though if he was bi, because he wouldn’t be so accepting of that aspect of him. It’d probably be like a pastime thing he’d tell me to stop often and often. I can’t deal. Maybe I’m judging him too much sha.
*
Hmmmm… What else… Nothing else, I think –
Wait! It’s been six months I’ve been single. For someone who the longest he’s been without a boyfriend was three months, I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve had five relationships in three years. Lol. Some had the space of two weeks in between, but I believe those were rebounds.
It’s not something I’m exactly proud of but I’m not ashamed of it either. We learn as we grow and I’ve learned that being alone is sometimes good. Being cynical is alright too, in right doses.
The loneliness though. Lol. That however isn’t enough to date just anyone. I’ve had my eye on some people and some have had their eyes on me, but I think that whenever I find the right person, I won’t have to think thrice… Twice maybe, but not more than that.
All day, I’m busy with school. Then at night, that stupid yearning comes. I’m not talking sex. Sex is cheap. I’m talking about that yearning for someone who you care about and who cares about you back. I keep my mind busy. I read and paint mostly.
Sometimes I wish I never dated all those people I did. Dating and breaking up does something to the mind, I believe. It’s made me more fearful. I’m scared of getting heartbroken and breaking someone’s heart. I think that is the only thing that has made me hesitate on a lot of potentially good people. I’m currently regretting hesitating on one of them, but with the rate at which he moved on, I think I made a good choice sitting my single ass down.
Anyway, I hope I can keep this up for as long as possible. Just be cool on my own.
Written by James
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29 Comments
Façade
June 21, 09:13You right, a times being single is just good until loneliness kicks in. Oh n I get that “is he your boyfriend? Tell me who got u the new phone na” a lot from ma lady friends, nosey girls. Nice read James
Dennis Macaulay
June 21, 09:51Roles?
**eye roll**
pinkpanthertb
June 21, 09:52*beady glare* You wanna go down that road?
Dennis Macaulay
June 21, 11:38No thanks
**drives off**
KhalDrogo
June 21, 09:52Why would you let someone go through your phone? My phone is like an extension of me, I won’t let you raise my arms to inspect my pits, spread my butt cheeks to see what’s going on there or see my newest dental fillings. I have no smut on any of my devices but they are not yours to surf. Hey James, why go through the hassles of erasing your browser’s history when you can browse incognito?
pinkpanthertb
June 21, 10:16I swear, when I read that part of the journal, i wanted to reach my hand through space and give James’ head a good konk. WTF! Who born that Mofo to come and be casually browsing my phone in my very before. I am looking at you and you’re clicking my bbm and Facebook messenger, and you think I won’t blister your ears with my outrage. Mscheewwww
A-non
June 21, 13:01Couldn’t agree less
JojoArmani
June 21, 10:01None of my female friends knows about my sexuality.. sure they suspect but they ain’t sure!….
pete
June 21, 10:38you never know what people are thinking. most people adopt a it-is-not-my-business stand
JojoArmani
June 21, 10:04And like hell I avoid the “dear,love” and all sort not… Am always around pals… They grab your phone every now n then!… so I turned out been extra careful …
Max
June 21, 10:32Please are you bi?
#AskingForClarity
JamesJemima
June 21, 10:45That’s a very good question Max.
I’m not sure what to call myself. I crush on girls but it’s not with the same intensity as guys. And it wasn’t till quite recently I noticed I’ve gotten a lot more attracted to some (very selectively few) girls.
All through secondary and A-level school I had guys and some girls I crushed on..but it never passed emotional feelings with the girls. Now I’ve had even more sex dreams where a girl is involved. I’ve even thought of building a relationship with more than one.
For now I’ll maintain that I am gay and bi-curious. It’s subject to remain the same or change.. sexuality is fluid. If a seemingly straight guy can discover a bisexuality side of him why not the other way around? Maybe that’s what is happening.. I’m just observing myself and letting myself grow/change/develop.
Dennis Macaulay
June 21, 11:40James I can relate totally! I so can relate
pete
June 21, 11:43James, sexuality is fluid. don’t restrict yourself. explore & do things that fascinate you. you only live once
Ace
June 21, 12:16Nice read! First about role; a very bumpy road. I was once guilty of saying I was top if I felt the person asking was bottom and vice versa but now, I say it as it is and leave the moment of discovery in the bedroom. Oh… The number of discoveries are noteworthy.
My crush on girls mostly stems from factors like intelligence, being witty and having a good dress sense. I think that is where it ends for me.
My phone doesn’t have any questionable material cos I stream my porn using incognito and I really don’t have anybody close enough to go through it but nna eh, you are pretty free with your phone oh. I remember when I had many people always having access to my phone, my paranoia would increase to the point that I would be so restless. Thank God those days are over. Nice read James.
alpha papi
June 21, 12:48Ur right tho.. Vers guys r bttms in denial 99% of d time, talking from experience. Wat annoys me most is vers guys Dat feel everybody shld like takin a dick. Dey always think ur lieing wen u say ur strictly top or uve neva bin penetrated b4..i cnt deal abeg.
Max
June 21, 12:56I don’t think you read that piece well. Please try again.
pinkpanthertb
June 21, 13:01Lol. I too wondered when James wrote what he says he wrote.
R.A
June 22, 01:29Well he’s the alpha and d omega, I didn’t expect his eyes to read otherwise
Chuck
June 21, 13:51The guy might have moved on for several reasons. Maybe he wanted something serious and he realized you’re not ready for that yet
JamesJemima
June 21, 14:11And you know I’m not ready for something serious how???? Or this is one of the many assumptions you tend to make about me?
Chuck
June 21, 15:48A serious, long – term relationship requires both people knowing what they want, finding it in each other and being willing to stick with it. None of your posts so far has shown that you’re ready for that. The family issue, the exes, your student situation, your attitude towards your studies, and so on. None of those indicate the clearheaded patience and commitment that a serious relationship requires
JamesJemima
June 21, 16:29So basically a relationship can only be gotten into if one has reached a certain level of perfection. Look.. The rest of my life may not be perfect but I know that it definitely doesn’t affect when two people want to be together. The two very serious relationships I’ve had ended because one person decided to give up not because I didn’t like what I was studying or my mum nagging me or the fact that I have exes. If that’s what you’re using to decide my eligibility for a relationship I have to say you’ve got it all wrong with me.
A relationship in my opinion isn’t all about who has settled down and has their life figured. It’s about two people who want to be together and work towards it. I won’t even bother to date someone who decides to use the criteria you mentioned as a measure of my seriousness to the relationship.
And if I really am not looking for something serious why am I bidding my time and being patient for someone I feel strongly would be worth it? Wouldn’t I have just jumped on the next person I felt a sliver of emotion for as I have often done in the past?
The guy that moved on.. you don’t know the full story. I had a part to play and so did he.he didn’t have the patience to allow me make a decision .I didn’t treat him well enough too.
Chuck
June 21, 21:06I believe that habits form. If you’re not patient with other things it’s unlikely you’ll be patient in a relationship. I never said you had to be perfect. I suppose you could date other people who are looking for a serious relationship, but habits are difficult to change and it’s unlikely that the relationship will work.
JamesJemima
June 21, 23:51Pray tell me how I have exhibited impatience? By complaining that the course I chose isn’t what I expected but toughing it out while I develop other areas of my life that interest me? By being unhappy that my mum is unhappy based on my sexuality and still I haven’t told her to stop sending me to deliverance sessions? By chilling as long as I have for the right person to come along? By consciously deciding that friendship needs to be formed before a relationship can progress?
I don’t know why you have the gall to assume that if a relationship doesn’t work it would be my fault.. like the other party will not have a part to play in the death of it. I am not a perfect person but one thing I can assure you about myself is that when I find someone worth fighting for I will do so as passionately as possible. I can say this boldly cause I have done it before.
Maybe this is just a case of you applying what would make your relationship work with mine. For me it’s not a steady source of income or mentality that is impeccable or a list of habits I cam live with. It’s a mutual attraction that transcends the physical. Fuck their perfections and imperfections… what I want is someone who will see me as who I am, accept me but still stick around while trying to help me grow as I help him too.
And you say my habits will jeopardise my relationship? Apparently you see me as a plethora of bad habits that nothing good can come out from if I’m interpreting your comment correctly.
*takes a deep breath and exhales*
You’re probably just full of negativity, maybe you’re just very pessimistic, maybe you just like to prey on people you don’t like and act in righteous derision, maybe you see yourself as a perfect person that has their life figured out..maybe you even have your life figured out. Well, I don’t and I’m not scared to admit it or point out where I’m flawed.
I don’t like replying people who have nothing good to say and are quick to judge blindly.. but I also don’t like when I’m put into a light I sincerely believe isn’t me. Hopefully this is the last time I will choose to engage you in any form of argument over my actions. Heaven knows I’ve said plenty. Have a good night.
Chuck
June 22, 01:04I’m not coming after you, James. As I mentioned, my opinion is based off of the episodes you’ve recounted. it’s quite possible that we don’t see things the same way. That’s fair. I don’t bear you any personal ill will. I hope I’ve been able to always back up my opinion with reasoned arguments and evidence. Where that’s not the case please point it out and I will amend the faulty opinion.
michael
June 23, 07:27For some time now I’ve been wondering what answer I will give if anybody ever bomb me with that question especially those sleazy nosy girl friends of mine. but thanks JAMES I now have the perfect answer…..
Dashawn
June 23, 16:47Considering the fact that my phone is a hotspot for fashion and funny pics, I’m always getting requests to give out my phone but thank God for applock and incognito broswing! Yeah….. a couple of times my girlfriends playfully ask where my real girlfriend is and I literally just shut them down. Like, shut up… Lol. James I have a feeling we’d be really good friends if we met…. like!! Most times I find myself in your articles and I’m always like “omg!! My thoughts exactly!!!!”.
Looking forward to your next article.
To the issue of being single…. Chile I been single for two years now.. I cant even remember what a relationship or even being in love feels like. But I’ve learnt to be strong. Yes sometimes I get so miserable I literally just want to die… but I have learnt how to be strong.
Having said all of that, hi Pinky…. fabulous work you’re doing boo!! *air kisses* you know, I always imagine pink panther as a skinny guy who wears a pink suit and a huge black american church mother hat. Lol! Ride on Sista!!! *clapping dramatically*
pinkpanthertb
June 23, 22:42Hahahahahahahahaa! Are you describing Pink Panther or the pink witch?