JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 48)

September 25

Many of us have been in situations where we have the affections of someone we are not really attracted to. Some people are mean about it, others try to let the other person down easy. We soon forget about that person though. The ones that aren’t easy to forget are the ones that turn us down and don’t like us the way we like them.

It’s moments like these that leave me wishing I was a permanently cool and tactical person. I’m quite vulnerable and emotional and all that, but I can also be quite unfeeling. I could stab you and watch you bleed and writhe in agony and I’d just look at you and wonder why you’re not manning up to the pain or something. I can be a not-very good person. The issue is that by the time I fully realise whatever damage I’ve done, I feel quite terrible. And I don’t like feeling terrible, so I’d rather just let things be.

I’ve got layers. You can’t always place me on one emotional spectrum. I however really, really do wish I was much better at being able to detach from my feelings the way I’ve seen some people do.

*

“I like you but I’m not ready for a relationship yet.”

I’ve told someone this before. He insisted that he’d wait till I was ready and I laughed and told him that even when I’d be ready, I might not even date him.

To be honest that sentence is usually bullshit. I think the more accurate answer would be: “I like you but not to the extent where I want a relationship.”

And some people aren’t ready for a relationship because they are still playing the field and hoping there’s someone better out there for them.

I know not everybody uses that phrase, but when they do, that’s what I interpret it as. It however could be just that though. They aren’t ready for a relationship and that’s just it. I’m just a paranoid fuck.

*

Since I returned from a trip I recently made, I’ve been having this weird thing where when I wake up and I feel some sort of panic. Like something is wrong or about to go horribly wrong, and it leaves me with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach for a bit. The last time I had one of those was when an ex broke up with me and I moved out of his room. I’d wake up to my lonely bed and the panic would come. I don’t think it was panic attack. I don’t want to call it that. I’d just wake up and remember we aren’t together and it’d leave me scared and sad at the same time. It was so bad I decided to try self hypnosis to see if it could facilitate getting over the whole thing.

I’m not sure what’s triggering this one. I’m just patiently waiting to feel normal again.

I want to look back on all of this and feel nothing.

In fact I want to feel nothing right now.

*

I’m back in school for a new semester and slowly I’m finding things returning to how they’ve been in the past three years or so. Veterinary Medicine has a way of stifling me and making me unhappy. The names I have to memorize and the long lectures that fly by leaving me exhausted with nothing really grasped either. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m lazy. Or that I’m not trying hard enough to pay attention or enjoy the course. I resolve to try even harder, but as usual, I pick up my pen and begin to scribble things and doodle at the back of my notebook and a brilliant idea comes into my head and I whip out my phone and start to paint with it, and a class that would have otherwise been “unproductive” leaves me feeling light and happy with a new piece of work tucked in the gallery of my phone.

I was starting to think my creative process needed to involve stress from something I didn’t like and me escaping via art. Then I went home for two weeks and I realised that I didn’t need to be frustrated or angry or depressed to want to do art. I could be perfectly happy and content and still create things. I felt the urge to continue a book I dropped ages ago, I sang my heart out and had a good guitarist as an accompaniment. I even rediscovered my love for poster colour and wrote a short story.

Sometimes I want to take a year off. No school. Just me and lots of times to discover what I can do with the talents God has given me. Write a bunch of songs and go to the studio to produce them. Host an art gallery. Get into Farafina’s yearly workshop. Meet other artists. Travel and see places. Be inspired. But for that I need the support of my parents.

I believe in honoring your parents. I’m not always good at it but I try. I also know that they want the best for me but sometimes I just wonder…

My mum picks financial security above all else.

“Finish your course,” she’d say. “Then you will at least have a certificate under your belt, so that if things don’t work out with your art, you can fall back on that.”

Sounds really smart, doesn’t it? But who is to guarantee that this certificate is going to provide me that financial security? And even if it does, is it going to make me happy? I don’t want to be a zombie going through life in a daze.

If studying this course has taught me anything, it’s that I’d probably not like whatever it is I’ll end up doing related to it.

My gut instinct tells me that the path I’m taking wasn’t tailored specifically for me. It’s okay and makes sense and it does look safe, but by the time I get to the end of it, the reward would be nothing special. But the other one I’d love to take, the one with all the danger and risks and heartbreak in its wake will lead to a reward beyond my wildest dreams.

It reminds me of a saying. It goes something like: ‘A ship is safe in its harbour but it wasn’t made to stay there.’

I really should do something about it. I keep complaining. Complaining isn’t solving anything. I still thirst to be free. But the truth is that I feel trapped. If only I had the blessings of my parents to do what I wanted to do. A whole year, just me and art. If after that, I have not accomplished anything tangible then I will go back to school quietly and get that certificate.

Hmmm.

*

The above section was written a couple of weeks ago and seems to be a portrayal of the feelings of despair I felt at the time. Funny enough, it wasn’t only school that contributed to it. I had some shit I was dealing with. They are all probably made-up battles in my head and my nature is to sometimes make things difficult for myself. I think I’m largely past that. There’s a bit of a haze, but it’s clearing and I shall be thinking clearly soon enough.

I still dislike my course but I’ve also decided to deal with it.

*

I was walking with three girls from my class. They’re basically the only people I hang out with in class and they constantly tell me they consider me one of them and things they’d be embarrassed to do or say in front of other guys, they’d do in front of me. I found it upsetting at first because I was crushing on one of them, but as that waned, I just smile when they mention it. I’m pretty sure they know or suspect I’m gay. I don’t really give a hoot.

Anyways, I was walking with them and listening to them discuss stuff I had no interest in, stuff like skirts and fashion, when the conversation turned to a cousin of one of them, who is now in an all-female university. (I didn’t even know those existed)

As I expected, one of them said, “What if she turns into a lesbian?” And they all nodded their heads, berating the father for derailing her from the path of heterosexuality.

I leapt at that and asked with a smirk that if any of them went to an all-girls’ school, whether they’d turn into lesbians, or even necessarily do some girl-on-girl action. I was surprised when they all said yes, that they would/could have some girl-on-girl action. One actually said, “How can you be enclosed in a school with only girls and it won’t happen? Girls that now even understand each other, one day you guys will be talking and you won’t know when it happens…”

I raised my eyebrows at that, but kept my mouth shut. I was kind of hoping they’d say that they wouldn’t try any girl-on-girl action. Then at least I’d be able to argue at some point that being gay is natural for some people. But then again being gay isn’t really about sex and it’s not like they’d suddenly want to have a female partner. So I guess my argument still stands if it is looked at that way.

Anyway, some days later, I was in class with them, and the one I had a crush on was showing some cleavage with her clothes. She leaned over to whisper something to the one who talked about girls understanding each other, and the cleavage was more pronounced, and this girl was just staring at the other one’s boobs till she had to say, “My face is up here.”

We all laughed at that, but I’m now thinking one of my friends is bi. Cute. I wonder if there’s a way I can coax her into admitting it. I have no idea what I’d do with the information though. I’m certainly not going to tell her I’m gay. (Maybe bi, to cushion it) Because when it’s a girl, it’s kind of okay, but when it’s a guy, it’s worse.

*

If we are all in the gutter, it doesn’t change who we are, because some of us in the gutter are looking up at the stars. – Oscar Wilde

This is a favorite quote of mine. I recently discovered it from a track by Mikka (‘Good Guys’ is the name; I highly recommend it for those who like pop).

Some people like to believe circumstances are what aren’t making them achieve stuff. My uncle is wicked… I’m an orphan… I’m disabled… So many reasons to let life drag you down to the gutter. Some stay down there and moan and forget that things could get better, while others turn their heads and look up at the stars and hold on to those dreams, and better still do something about them.

My ex once told me of two crippled guys. They begged in front of the gate of his house. After some time, one of them bought a wheelchair. The other still crawled on the ground. After the wheelchair, before my ex moved, he had started selling airtime.

I think the story above succinctly explains what Oscar Wilde was talking about. Circumstances will make it tough, but more often than not, the major hindrance is you telling yourself that you cannot.

Writing this just made me smile, because apparently some people think I’m like a sage or something. There’s probably this image of me as a person who can get attention to himself with a snap of his fingers or motivate people to do stuff and shii. I don’t think we could be farther from the truth, especially the part of attention and finger snapping.

I remind myself more than ever not to judge anyone based on my perceptions of them on the internet. The meanest person could be the most vulnerable, and the most outgoing could be quite reserved in real life. I could be a supercilious bitch, but I try to be as honest as possible with my dealings, but sometimes, it gets lost in translation when people view what I’m saying.

So yeah, it’d make a lot of sense to always second-guess a person until you actually meet them. It’s not only pictures that can lie or mislead. Your bias more often than not will mislead you in whatever conclusions you make.

*

I recently started getting on Twitter again. It mostly involves me retweeting shii, jumping into people’s mentions, talking to myself, giggling in class or in the cab at memes and vines, and marveling at the stupidity and intelligence of my fellow tweeps and humans around.

I saw someone tweet about how they don’t fight to let people stay in their lives. It was something about them being emotionally sufficient and loving the other person to pursue what makes them happy. I think that’s just laziness, especially if you didn’t even bother to try to change or compromise to make the other person happy. Heck, you probably never cared about them.

We are all individuals. It’s rare to find someone who fits perfectly into the puzzle that is you. Even when it does happen, y’all are still individuals and there are some things that will grate on your partner’s nerves. I believe that if it’s something bad enough to make your partner want to leave you, you should do something about it. Don’t just sit there and think, ‘I can’t make him happy so he might as well just move on.’ It’s so defeatist. If you care about that person, you’d work shit out till you can’t anymore.

I’m not talking about begging a person to stay (like that could change anything if the person has made up his mind to leave). I’m talking about putting in the extra effort.

I don’t know how people do it though, how they watch the person they care about walk away, knowing that with a little work on themselves, they could get past it. Does that mean they actually care or am I missing something?

I think the person’s tweet stemmed from partners threatening to leave though. In my opinion, threatening to leave a relationship is kind of a suck-ish move. People do it. I don’t know if I’d choose that as a way to end things. I’d probably just leave and not threaten and be ready to move the fuck on. (And about that, how long should it take to move on from someone? Is there like a formula, like ‘dating for X months means you’ll be heartbroken for Y months’?)

Anyway, I believe in clean breaks. If one has decided to leave a relationship, simply do so. Don’t threaten to leave and then eventually do so. Even though, it’s kind of nice and romantic when you don’t expect the other person to fight for you and he does. But life is not a movie. The moment you step out the door, the soon-to-be ex might probably be out the back door, on his way to have a celebratory shag for being free at last. Very little love in the gaybourhood.

*

Here’s a short poem.

I’ve got my eyes closed

And my heart wide open

It spells for a beautiful disaster

And I can’t wait the fireworks will start

And burn this all to the ground

And though the ashes will make me sad

I will rise from them like the phoenix I am

And repeat the cycle all over again.

In the words of Taylor Swift, “Please take my hand and please take me dancing and please leave me stranded, it’s so romantic…”

And what is romance without a little tragedy?

Don’t try to make sense of this. I’m not even sure what this I wrote means. A prophecy? The demonic presence a literature teacher thought I had? Hormones? Depression? Hope? Fear? Maybe it’s all that and more? Or maybe it’s just me being me when I’m writing.

 Written by James